You inhaled sharply as Diego tightened the corset around your waist.
"Too tight? Maybe this is a bad idea." Diego muttered.
"No." You said. "It'll stop any excess bleeding and lower the chances of wounds reopening. Tighter."
Diego pulled it tighter, and winced at your flinching. He tied off the corset as Five walked into the kitchen with a cup of coffee. He stared at you, perched on the kitchen table, before turning to Luther, who was making a pot full of eggs.
You hopped off the table, stretching, before sitting down in Diego's seat after he stood. You eventually tuned into he and Five's conversation.
"No, no, no. I don't understand. They keep following me."
"Wait, who?" Asked Luther.
"Those Dutch sociopaths."
"They're Swedish, you idiot." Five cut in. "Hired Guns paid to eradicate us before we do anymore damage to this timeline."
"Yeah, but why now?" Diego asked. "I mean, I was fine for three months until you showed up."
"Yeah, I was here for a year and no one messed with me." Luther said.
All three of the men turned to you. "I spent most of my time here strapped to a metal chair." You stated, looking out the window.
"Even if it was my fault," Five started. "Which it isn't, we only have six days before the end of the world, and the closest anyone's gotten to dad was that drive-away at the consulate."
"Well... that's not exactly true." Luther spoke up.
You looked up. "What do you mean?"
~~~
You sighed at the end of Luther's rather depressing story as he sat next to you, stuffing his face with eggs.
"That's pathetic." Diego said.
"Yeah, well, at least he didn't shank my ass." You laughed softly at Luther's retort.
"No, bro, he shanked your heart."
Luther hummed, still eating.
"Is that my bathrobe?" You looked up to see Elliot standing in the doorway.
Luther paused. "...No."
"Look, who cares what he shanked?" Five started. "He knows something about time travel."
"Umm..." Elliot interrupted. "Wait, why don't you just do your thing and, uh, time travel us out?"
Five scoffed. "Anyone care to explain?" He asked, standing.
"First time he tried, he got stuck in the apocalypse." Said Luther.
"Second time, he ended up without hair on his balls." You chuckled at Diego's comment.
"Last time I tried, I scattered my family across five years in Dallas, Texas, possibly triggering a doomsday. Anymore question's, Elliot?" Five asked, turning to the man with a newly poured cup of coffee.
"Uh, no."
"You're all missing the big picture here." Diego spoke up. "Dad is the ringleader of a sinister cabal that's planning to kill the president."
"A cabal?" Luther asked with his mouth full.
"Ignore him." Five said. "Look, the way I see it, we only have one option."
"Oh, yeah? And what's that?" Asked the big man. You slammed your head onto the table and groaned.
"It's time to get the Umbrella academy back together."
"Hell yeah.." Diego muttered, before standing, walking over to you. He scooped you up and spun you around. "Family meeting!"
"Well, then can one of you guys get Allison please?" Luther asked, fiddling with his fork.
"You two still a thing?" Diego turned to him. Luther scoffed.
Diego leaned forward. "Do we need to talk?"
"No. She's married."
You gasped softly as you walked over to Five.
"Hey. Look at me." You gently grabbed his chin while you whispered. "Maybe going to Dad isn't the best idea."
Five sighed and looked down, before looking back up at you. "It's the only idea I've got."
You turned to your brothers while they talked about Allison.
Five reached up, pulling your hand off him. "I'll get her. Luther, can you get Vanya without, uh. squeezing her to death?"
"I'll try."
Five jumped, before Elliot turned to you all. You leaned against the stove with your arms crossed.
"What should I do?" Elliot asked.
Diego smiled to you. "Prepare for company."
~~~
"Ya'll know, Jell-O used to be a delicacy."
You laid half-asleep in Diego's lap as Elliot ranted about some disgusting dessert he had made. He gently stroked your hair with his left hand, while flipping a knife in his right.
"It wasn't until a bunch of sassy NewYorkers figured out how to dry it out so the rest of us could have... a chance to enjoy this ambrosia."
"If we have some, will you shut up?" Diego asked, taking a strand of your hair and twisting it around his finger as your half lidded eyes stared at the kitchen.
"...Maybe."
Luther tried not to gag at the meal, before turning to Vanya. "How you feeling?"
"Pretty shitty to be honest."
"Where would you say you are on a scale from one to... ending all life on this planet?" Diego asked, letting go of the hair strand that was now slightly curled.
"Really?"
"Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She's fine." Luther said, leaning forward.
"Last time I saw this one, she had me suspended midair, sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles. I think I'm allowed a little time to process."
"Oh, I would love to see an energy tentacle." Elliot whispered.
"I don't remember what I did, but I'm sorry... if that means anything."
You reached your hand out, grabbing Diego's wrist and stopping him from fiddling with the knife. He looked to you, before looking back at Vanya. "It does. Just going through a lot right now... there's this girl... that I like. I thought she liked me, but it turns out that she-"
Diego was cut off by the sound of the front door opening and laughing.
"Oh, thank God." Luther said, standing. You chuckled, standing up from Diego's lap and walking over to the railing.
"Is anyone here? Hello?"
"Le petit mort, le petit mort."
"What? You don't speak French!"
"It means 'the little death' ."
All of your siblings along with Elliot came to the stair railing to see Allison, Klaus, and Five.
"Oh wow. I know this is impossible, but..." Klaus took off his sunglasses. "Did we all... get sexier?"
You laughed, taking a bird form and jumping off the railing, before taking your human form and tacking Allison in a hug. You both laughed, before she pulled away.
"Why are you a child?"
"I have no idea!" You said, smiling, before running over to Klaus and hugging him. Before jerking away to the strong smell of alcohol.
"Oh," Diego walked over. "Man, you are drunk."
"No, it's just a little... just a few... oh that's so sweet." Klaus said, walking over to Allison and Vanya and joining their hug.
"Klaus. Is Ben here?" Five asked, walking up to you.
"Oh uh... no. No unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel."
"Are you kidding me?!"
"All right, then. Let's get down to business." Five said, grabbing your wrist and leading you up the stairs.
You all sat in the living room area, looking around.
"All right." Five started. "First off, I wanna say sorry. I know I really screwed the pooch on this whole going back in time and getting stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is that we brought the end of the world back with us."
"Oh, my God, again?" Klaus asked. You looked up, staring at him. "All of you knew? Why am I always the last to know about the end of the- Oh, my God, my cult is gonna be pissed. Five! I told them we have until 2019!"
"We have until Monday. We have six days." Five stated.
"Is it Vanya?"
"Klaus." Allison said.
"What? It's usually Vanya!"
"Do you have any leads, Five?" Vanya asked.
"Yeah, we have one." Five replied, handing a file to Allison.
"Holy shit, is that Dad?"
"Yeah." You said.
"That's him?"
"And he's standing on the grassy knoll." Diego spoke up, leaning forward and against your chair.
"Diego, Y/N, and I have been trying to talk to Dad about what exactly this means. So far, we've got nothing."
"Not nothing." Diego corrected. "He's planning to kill Kennedy."
"Maybe." Five said. "But we don't know who or what sets doomsday in motion. Could be Kennedy, could be something entirely independent. But if we know something changes the timeline, we have to make it right."
"Yeah, but how are we supposed to fix it if we don't know what's broken?" Asked Allison.
"Oh, come on, do the math. We know Dad's having shady-ass meetings with some shady-ass people. We know he's on the grassy knoll in three days to kill the president. So I think we all know what we have to do." Diego finished, standing up straight.
"Find Dad."
"Kill Dad."
You turned to your brothers, who had spoken at the same time with a "really?" look on your face.
"None of us are supposed to be here, right?" Vanya asked. "I mean, what if it's us? Has anyone here done anything to screw up the timeline?"
All your siblings paused, looking around.
"Diego's been stalking Lee Harvey Oswald."
"And you're working for Jack Ruby!"
"Y/N was in a heavily guarded facility for four years."
"Allison has been very involved in local politics lately."
"YOU STARTED A CULT."
"I'm just a nanny on a farm. I don't have anything to do with that."
"Well, maybe you do, we just don't know it yet."
You all looked up to the sound of Diego whistling.
"Listen to yourselves. Everything in our knew lives is connected to Kennedy. That can't be a coincidence. Luther works for Ruby, Allison is protesting the government, Y/N was kept in a government facility. Dad is on the grassy knoll. Klaus is doing something... weird and pervy, but probably related. See, clearly, we were all sent back here for one special reason: saving John Fitzgerald Kennedy."
Everyone began to argue back and forth. Yelling at each other and screaming. You found yourself telling off Luther for questioning Diego's reason.
"Guys you all die." You turned to see Five. He looked shaken up. "I was there. I saw it. And I wanna forget it but I can't. I saw, Russian nukes vaporize the world with all of you in it, in a war that never happened until we brought it here. And Hazel gave his life to save us, so you may need to shut up and listen to me. I don't know if the things we've all experienced here are connected. I don't know if there's a reason for everything. But Dad will. We need to talk to him before everyone and everything we know is dead."
"Okay." Luther said, smiling and standing. "I'm out."
"Did you even hear me, Luther?"
"Yeah, yeah I did. I heard a 58-year-old man who still wants his daddy to come and fix everything. Well, you can count me out."
You scoffed, looking down as Diego and Five went after him. As the door shut, Klaus spoke up.
"You know I could really go for some taco's right now."
"Same..." you muttered.
"Allison, tacos?"
"Shouldn't we wait?" Allison asked, looking in the direction the boys had walked of in.
"You know those guys. It could take them forever to bro it out. Vanya, tacos?"
"Is there anyway that tacos is gonna cause the end of the world?"
"I mean, there's only one way to find out!" Klaus said, standing. You chuckled, following him out the door.
~~~
"OH! The nerve of that man!" You took a swing from your bottle as Allison ranted on and on. "I mean, he doesn't know who I am?"
Vanya turned her chair to you. "Should you be drinking? Aren't you like, 14?"
"I'm the oldest person in the room."
"Wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot?" Asked Klaus, standing. You glared at him, and he chuckled at you.
"Eww."
"Oh, oh 'eww.' Please, Miss, 'Luther was my lover.'"
"We have never even kissed!" Allison said as Klaus teased her. You laughed.
"Yeah, but you guys were making little sick moon-dog eyes at each other during breakfast and puberty and all that." Klaus finished, drinking from his canteen.
You laughed again. "He's right."
"Aren't well all brothers and sisters?" Vanya asked.
Klaus snorted as you burst out laughing, taking another swig from your bottle.
"Well... technically it-"
"'Technically'?" Klaus interrupted. "If you have to use the word... 'technically,' you're already in trouble." Klaus giggled.
"Okay, can... can we focus?" Allison said. "I mean, clearly we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe, we could at least try to save my marriage!"
"No!" Klaus whinnied, pouring his canteen so full it over flowed. "No, because that's like...that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg."
You burst out laughing, spilling your booze in the process.
"I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?" He pointed to Vanya. "In secret love with some farm Frau."
"Her name's Sissy!"
"Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer."
Vanya looked to Allison, who shook her head.
"This one!" He pointed to you. "Is crazy about some guy who left her for a life sized doll."
You rolled your eyes. "For the record, I like Delores."
"Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch for a soldier I technically haven't even met yet, and Luther's... in love with his sister."
"Okay, again, we are not biological."
"Face it! The healthiest long-term relationship in this family, was when Five was banging that manikin." Klaus turned to you, and you threw your bottle at him. He ducked, and the bottle hit the wall.
Klaus stood up. "The only thing The Umbrella Academy know's about love... is how to screw it up." He finished, raising his canteen. You held up a new bottle while Allison muttered a half hearted "cheers."
"How do you guys deal with this?" Vanya asked.
"What?"
"I mean, all of it. Time travel, seeing the dead, shapeshifting, the end of the world."
"Well, I get really high, Y/N constantly tries to commit suicide."
Vanya and Allison turned to you as you chugged your bottle. You looked at them through the corner of your eye as Klaus continued.
"Allison... Allison.. lies to herself," Allison kicked a rolling stool at Klaus. "And you, suppress all your emotions deep, deep, down, until you blow shit up.
"Yeah, I'd really like to not do that anymore."
"You got six days, hon." You said, staring at yourself in the mirror across the room.
"What the hell are we supposed to do with six days?" Allison asked.
"Party?" You laughed and nodded at Klaus's response. "I don't know."
"I'm gonna tell Sissy I love her." You turned to Vanya. "I don't want any secrets."
"Attagirl." You said.
"Yeah." Allison spoke up. "Yeah, yeah, your right. Yes, 'cause if it's all gonna go tits-up, I might as well be honest with my husband."
You rolled your eyes. "I should probably straighten things out with Five." You muttered as Allison turned to you.
"Prepare for rejection." You grabbed a bottle of hairspray at Allison's comment and threw it at her.
"Oh wait, does that mean I have to face my cult?" Klaus asked. "I just hate group breakups. That's why I stopped dating twins."
"This family's amazing."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." You said standing. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."