I had successfully finished my test and I couldn't help but smile. With Levi's help, I made it to my Calculus class with more confident than I ever have. We only were able to study two times because of his random work schedule, but those two times made a world of a difference. Now, I had to be patient. I had to wait until the professor had uploaded the grades and that was ten times worse than taking the actual test.
I walked casually out of the small classroom as the sun shone brightly across the quad. Hundreds of people were walking with a purpose to and from their Thursday schedules. Their minds most likely occupied with class work, homework, and next papers while mine was covered from end to end with the boy who shouldn't need to be in my life any longer. His eyes haunted my dreams and his lips, that smirk had me day dreaming every chance I got. I strolled to my car, not even caring about the grades, but rather if I was going to see Levi at work tonight.
Why do you care about Levi? Your boyfriend is working his ass off for you! My subconscious had been screaming at me since the night Greyson met Levi. Over and over again I was slapped mentally by the realization that Greyson was mine and Levi wasn't. He might never be. Hell, I probably had a better chance of finding an unicorn! I wished I'd known the difference between my head, my heart, and my vagina.
I had to work after my classes and as I made my way there, I could help but wonder if Levi would make an appearance. I hadn't seen him in three days and I was growing restless. His mysteries were addicting. The phone call at my house, the "job" he worked at, the guarded mist that covered his eyes when I asked him something personal were all wrecking havoc on my brain.
At any given second my mouth could ramble close to one hundred questions. If I didn't get to hold another conversation with him soon I might explode.
Greyson had recently become more distant as well, I realized. I knew that pre-Law was difficult and a time consuming major, but there had to be sometime between school and homework to talk to me.
The little bookshop was becoming home. The sweet scents of coffee and whatever air freshener Dale picked at the store was now a method of relaxation for my body. Slipping through the front door and towards the back storage room a sense of security flushed through me.
I glanced at myself in my locker mirror. "Nothing can hurt me here" I smiled to myself. Did Dale feel the same as I do? Is that why he didn't sell even though different men and women came in twice sometimes three times a week to buy it from him? Was this his safe place as well?
I refreshed the Email page on my phone one last time. Still no update from my professor about the test. If it took him as long to grade tests as it did to grade assignments then I was going to be waiting for awhile.
My stomach clenched. What if I had failed? How quickly would I receive a call from my parents? Would they revoke the agreement over this test? The smile I had sent through the mirror was replaced with a small frown. Had I placed too much trust in the handsome stranger?
"How are you doing, babe?" I was three steps from the storage room when I heard the dark voice floating toward me. The hairs on my arms stood on end.
He had short cut, dirty blonde hair and pretty blue eyes. There were black ink tattoos from his neck and down both thin arms. The boy held a small, yellowing novel in his hands. He offered a toothy grin, his teeth black around the edges like he smoked too much and didn't brush enough.
I nodded to him politely and did my best to smile, but didn't trust my voice to speak. I took another step toward the front register. "I was looking over the menu at the cafe, but couldn't decide what I wanted. I figured you would be perfect to give suggestions."
Why don't you go talk to Grant? He's the one working at the cafe today. Quickly, I shushed my subconscious. She was going to get us killed. "I like our selection of teas." I answered with all the confidence I could muster.
A crease formed between his eyebrows. "Or there's hot chocolate," I added. The boy's tired eyes scanned across my body before he smiled wickedly.
"I'll have that then. Thank you... Hadley." I shouldn't have been freaked out by him saying my name. Many people - including Levi- had called me that, but it was how his lips curled around each syllable that gave me chills.
I watched closely as the man walked across the store not stopping until he was right in front of Grant. I craned my neck to get a view of the high school boy behind the counter. Was he intimidated, too?
But Grant was in his own world. He stopped drumming on the register long enough to make the evil man's drink and to make change. Grant barely looked at him at all.
Once the man had his cup in hand, he looked over his shoulder once and winked at me. He wore an all black outfit. Though half his body was hidden from the bookshelves dividing us, I tried to look for a suspicious outline of a weapon. The new comer was incredible weak looking, his body didn't fill his shirt like Levi's did. How could such a small boy hold such a maniacal presence?
"You have costumers, Miss. Lee." Dale soft whisper broke me from my trance. I nodded at him, my gazing wandering to the main register where two ladies were looking around from someone to help them buy their books.
A flood of relief washed over me. The boy was a random. I'll never see him again in this city. There were too many better places for him to be, I hope. Each step toward the costumers was one step toward the energy I'd entered the store with.
•••
Dale's small body fell into one of the rickety wooden chair in front of the oversized front window. Papers covered the entirety of the table before him. I examined him through a small opening between a book I was setting down and a book that had been on the shelf for a while.
He bent over the papers and started scribbling with the only black pen I'd ever seen in his possession. Dale was looked smaller than usual like he had been eating less but he still held the usual, beat anyone to a pulp presence. Though, I could tell he was exhausted.
Before I could register what my body was doing, I was gliding between book shelves, weaving a path straight toward the old store owner. He didn't look up as I scooted the chair across from him from the table and claimed it.
What am I doing? I thought. I wanted to spy and if Dale started speaking, I wasn't sure how to respond. His long, wrinkled fingers pulled at the pen's base, writing in perfect cursive the word helpful on a lined piece of paper. What is he doing?
"What is all this?" I asked, my voice cutting through the silence like a knife to glass. Dale didn't cease writing. I sat with my hands folded in my lap, hesitant to ask again. Maybe he didn't feel like talking? I really didn't either.
Finally the old man took a long breath while placing the pen on the table. "I am writing a letter back to some kids who want to send me four boxes of books they don't need."
My eyebrows shot up in amazement. Kids knew of this books store? Kids could send letters to people and ask to send their used books in so someone else could read them? "The problem is, I don't really have a children's section and if I took the books, I would have to figure out how to rearrange the sections somehow."
Dale rubbed his face. "I thought I finally got everything put together perfectly, but I don't want to say 'no'." His gaze rested on me for a moment before his face was pulled into a smile and he began to laugh.
"That's not why you came to sit with me." He stated bluntly. "You don't really want to know about the letters. So, what's on your mind?"
Suddenly, the question was lingering in the air between us. Why was I sitting here? I stared at the book shelves where I'd been standing, the lonely bookstore register, a clump of dusting tumbling away from the air conditioning vent at my feet.
"I'm conflicted." I admitted with a shrug.
The old man grunted, "aren't we all?"
True. My subconscious agreed but my eyes watched the dust. "I know I shouldn't feel this way. I just-"
"It would be nice to know what we are talking about." Dale interjected.
I sighed. I didn't want to truly admit it to him... or anyone. "Im conflicted about college."
"What about it?"
"Whether I want to actually be taking all these courses or not."
"What do you love to do more than anything in this world?" He asked, but I shrugged. Everything I had accomplished in my life had been forced upon me by my parents. All to make me look better for college- and career- success.
He looked at me for a long moment one of his hands running over the short white beard across his jaw. Then, finally, he opened his mouth. "Look, you only have one life. From what I've observed, you don't understand the college courses you're taking and obviously you don't really want to or you wouldn't have failed almost all the tests you taken, correct?" I started to object, but then nodded. Was there more that could've been done?
Dale continued. "What is stopping you from doing something else? If you love it, If you understand it, and if you only have one shot at life to be happy, why not spend it doing that something?"
I was completely at a loss for words. I pursed my lips and looked around the room as I searched for the right words to say. "My parents won't let me." I whispered.
A crease formed between Dale's brows. I laid my head in my hands in embarrassment. I should've stopped myself from walking over here. My subconscious is always making bad decisions. Am I?
A calloused hand pressed lightly against my head.
I cocked my head to the left so my left eye could look at him. He smiled. "It can't be that bad and also, I won't judge if it is." He spoke lightly as if reading my thoughts.
I brought my head from my hands and took in a deep breath. Where does a person begin? From the beginning? The middle? The words spilled out of my mouth faster than I could process them. Lydia, my parents contract, even my boyfriend fell into the jumbled mess that was piling itself onto the wooden table.
Dale sat in silence. I couldn't blame him, if someone told me what I'd just told him, I wouldn't have words. He looked to his hands which sat clasped together on the table a small smile playing on his lips. He said he wouldn't judge...
Once I'd finished divulging the dark secrets of my family I felt one hundred pounds lighter, but the smile was still on his face
"Do you want to hear what I would do?" He asked.
I hesitated for a moment then nodded. "I would forget about my parents and I would do what I loved."
It was easier said than done. Leaving everything you'd ever known? I wasn't even sure I could make a living. I was incredibly under qualified. It seemed risky. Plus, I don't even know how I could stand up and disown my parents, when I was younger I could barely lie to them. Lydia seemed to get that gene and all the others that cause someone to confront their problems.
I shook my head from side to side. "I don't know, I don't think I'm strong enough to do that."
Dale shrugged, "I know you're strong enough. You are living on your own and doing just fine."
I chewed at the inside corner of my mouth. Did he have a point? My subconscious rolled her eyes. Could a job at a bookstore pay enough to support me?
My parents had preached for years that anything under a six figure salary meant the person was basically living on welfare. "I'll think about it. Thank you." The words didn't feel right on my lips, but how do you end a conversation like this?
Dale laughed. "Don't thank me, sweetheart. You knew what you were looking for when you sat down in that chair."
I smiled weakly as I came to a standing position, looking across the room to the register where I should've been. There wasn't a single person waiting for me.
"Oh," I started pointing to the letters on the table. "If you do decide to accept the children's books, I would be willing to reorganize the sections for you."
I disappeared back into the shelves before he could respond. My mind downing in all the new information. I knew I wasn't Lydia. I sure as heck wasn't that strong. I barely believed this job only would allow me to live life the way I wanted.
What would life look like if I decided to walk away from everything? The clear path to success was waiting arms wide open and allí had to do was study and stay the course. Was that what I wanted?
I wasn't sure I could leave my younger siblings behind. I wasn't sure I could kiss them and then exit their lives for good. I wanted to see my brother and sister grow up and become successful. I wanted to see them and if I did what I was considering, it meant I couldn't do that. And what would happen to Greyson? How would he react to me up and quitting my life to become some... some person working at a bookstore?
I was almost positive he would call me crazy and leave. Was that what I wanted? I wouldn't just lose my parents and my younger siblings but also my boyfriend, my house, car and college tuition. All to gain what? A possible career in...? That conversation would go over well.
As I continued to debate within myself, I finally understood the term 'inner turmoil'. I had a war inside me now.
So many questions, so little answers. Why was my life so complicated, I complained. I wanted to fall into a hole and never come back out. My body couldn't handle all of this. I felt like I had been hit by a wrecking ball, several times. My arms were weak. My legs were heavy. My head was pounding and I wasn't sure if even seven Advil would do anything to help it.
•••
As I walked, I debated if I should even go home. I wanted comfort... and someone to cuddle with. I wanted to not be alone, but I knew asking Greyson to drive forty minutes through traffic to spend eight hours with me, while seven of those hours would be spent sleeping, was ridiculous.
Half of me wanted to try and find Levi, which would be nearly impossible in a city this big. I just needed someone, anyone. I especially needed someone to take my place in life and do everything I didn't want to do.
I wanted to find a way to reverse time. I craved the certainty that high school had given me. Wake up, go to school, go to tutoring or some other after school activity, eat dinner, do homework, go to sleep, and repeat. It was filled with pointless conversations about boys and who's parents would get divorced next. There was no talk on topics of how to disappoint our parents.
We all knew what we were going to do. Where we were going. Crazy how quickly all the friends I thought I had fell silent once I announced my decision to go to community college. I had messed with the system. I had screwed up the plan. The effect to my cause left me alone. No one could talk to a girl who was attending a community college.