As promised, here you go!!❤️❤️
This chapter is quite emotional. I nearly cried writing it, so just plug on an emotional song in your playlist right now, and get on with this!!!😩❤️❤️
Let's get into Ivandor's head. You guys are ready, ba?🤧❤️
~IVANDOR~
I hate that I let her into my life.
I shouldn't have. Yet, I did. Now, all I can do is resent myself for putting myself in this in the first place.
I remind myself how stupid I was everyday when I recall the times I actually thought that I meant something to Giwa, the way she meant to me. I actually thought she and I had this special kind of connection. I thought it was both of us against the entire world, but she didn't even think twice about crashing down my world in seconds.
Sometimes I force myself to try to let everything go, but those words she said keeps haunting me.
I never expected her to go so low. To use my weakness against me without even batting an eyelid. It was that easy for her to break me. I meant that little to her. I can't believe I ever thought otherwise.
Yet, you know what I even hate the most?
The fact that even after what had happened. No matter how mad I was at her, I still didn't hate her. Not one bit. I can't even hate her, no matter how much I tried. That's what I hate the most about all these.
A fool. That's what I am.
"Are you busy? I want to talk to you."
Krisdana's voice brought me back to earth again, bringing me back to the present, where I was sitting on my reading desk, apple laptop opened in front of me.
Before the distracting thoughts popped into my head, I was already setting myself up for my usual intensive online midnight study session on the 'myschool.com' site.
"I see you haven't started reading yet, Einstein!" I heard her voice coming again, stating the obvious.
That was when I turned to look at her, standing there at the door of my room, in blue pyjamas and crossed arms, looking me down with a playful pout on her face.
I actually smiled a little, not because Inwas in any way fine, but because she was.
These days, I liked the progress in her behavior. She was less shut down and more talky. I was happy that Yure's issue wasn't suppressing her much anymore. She probably had more control over her emotions now, and that was good.
Maybe, I needed that kind of uplifting too.
"I'm about to. I was just warming up." I responded to her.
I noticed her mood immediately die down as she watched me. She looked me over slightly and out came from her, a simple, clearly unconvinced, "Hmph."
"How's Xander?" I asked her, confidently changing the topic.
"He safely reached S.A four hours ago, I already told you, you mouse!" She answered.
"And Sharon? She's asleep, right?" I went on, ignoring her sass.
Wait, what? Why would I even ask that?
I tucked her into bed myself, and left Krisdana to stay with her, in the room.
Sharon had been close to giving my mum high BP with her constant athsma attacks. On Monday, she had the worst one yet and mum had called me after everything was calm again. I had to still get her something I knew she'd like. It wouldn't heal her athsma, but atleast it'd go a long way to make her happy.
"And you?" I asked Krisdana, who was still looking at me. "How have you been holding up?"
She unfolded her arms and rolled her eyes, a sigh leaving simutaneously.
"Can you stop this?" She came at me, suddenly changing form.
"Stop what?" I asked, honestly having not a single clue what she was talking about.
"Putting everyone first, even when you need just as much attention and care. You keep making me a priority, even when you're clearly doing just as bad as I am!" She truthfully admitted, giving her hands in the air.
"Kris.."
"No, let me say my mind!" She cut me off, shutting me right up.
"You literally lived in my house the whole of last week because I was heartbroken. You took my issue upon yourself like it was the world. You cared, you were there with me 247, everytime I needed someone, and you won't even let me do the same for you!" She was almost yelling at me.
"Kris, I'm fine. Nothing is wrong with me." I told her, calmly.
"Bullshit!" She spat.
"Oh, God.." I muttered to myself in slight frustration.
"I know you're literally bleeding inside!" She said.
I was bleeding. Was. But right now, I feel numb. The pain hit so bad the previous days that at the moment, I felt absolutely numb.
I literally couldn't feel my heart anymore. I felt dead. I was breathing, but I was dead. Detached. It's not a feeling that's easy to explain. A part of me has been forcefully chunked out and that hurt until I just couldn't feel the pain anymore.
"The least you can do is open up to me and let me reciprocate everything you do for me. Your efforts are one sided and that's totally your fault. You don't even talk about anything with me anymore." Krisdana said to me. This time, her voice was softer.
..I don't talk about anything with her anymore..
Not since Giwa.
"I know you're still hurt about Giwa." She said again.
Hearing that name did things to me... Good and bad, very bad things.
Instantly, I felt pain all over again.
The pain I had numbed so well these past few days. That dark, depressing pain that filled me with bitterness and rage. It made me think of sorts of brain shattering thoughts, degrading thoughts, angered thoughts, every thing sinister accompanied it. I hated that feeling. That was why I had numbed it.
"I saw what you did for her on Monday." She said. I could hint the smile on her face, even through her voice.
Instantly, I was able to recall everything that happened that evening.
Not too long after the meeting with the school authorities rounded up, I walked into block, just in time to see that bastard, Kaniru, probing a leg out for Giwa to trip over.
I couldn't tell why Giwa easily fell into the trap. Whether she was absent minded or what not, It didn't make much sense to me why she couldn't be careful to watch her steps.
It was too fast for anyone to even think of rescuing her and she fell in no time, crashing to the ground and those bloody bastards apparently found their shit funny.
I had already made up my mind to pay no mind towards anything concerning Giwa, but my soft side couldn't watch her that way.
I wanted to go help her instantly, but when I noticed that her knee was bleeding, I lost my shit. My entire vision went red and I found myself rushing towards Kaniru with a rage that was beyond my control and all that was on my mind before our set boys stepped in was fucking the guy up and doing as much damage as I could.
All because of Giwa.
And when Kaniru made comments about my mum, what I felt first was shock. I knew the entire set knew about my parents now, but it's still something I just can't get used to. Even before Krisdana had seized my phone, everytime I came online and saw anything pertaining to my dad or my mum, I still felt that shock.
The same shock I felt when Giwa threw her case openly to the entire school.
Thinking about that day kills me as a person.
My soul aim was to take Krisdana away from that hell mess, because I noticed it was affecting her much more than she could take.
"I DON'T NEED YOU, IVANDOR!! I'LL BE FINE ON MY OWN!"
That first one felt like a slap. It slowed me down for a second, hitting my heart like a punch. Still, I could easily wave it off, hoping Giwa didn't mean it. I knew her. I knew how she could get when she was losing control of reality. Still, Kris was of major concern. I had walked on.
"YOU CAN LEAVE, IVANDOR! I REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT! ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE DESERTED ME AND I LIVED. I SURVIVED. I DIDN'T DIE, SO, YOU CAN GO TOO IF YOU WANT. GO, GO, GO! I CAN ALWAYS FIND SOMEONE BETTER. I CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN SOMEONE WITH A CRIMINAL FATHER AND A PROSTITUTE FOR A MOTHER!"
The final words that Giwa said hit me like a fucking bullet. I still remember every word of it.
At that time, I remembered everywhere, my entire vision, flashing black and white for a split second. The shock, literally jolting me like I just got electrocuted. It stopped me dead on my tracks. Krisdana had probably felt the same thing. She stopped the exact same time I had stopped.
My brain carefully broke down the words, one by one, decoding them and playing it forward, and backwards, all over, again and again, in my head.
I hadn't even realised I had turned to her until I could see Giwa's face.
She looked shocked by her own words. Completely stunned, eyes slightly widened and mouth agape.
That was when I realised that everything was real. As real as it could be. Giwa actually said that to me.
Instantly, my shock slowly morphed into hurt. Hurt isn't exactly the word, because what I felt was deeper than that. I felt like a thousand knives had been thrown into my chest, and it was literally bleeding inside my chest.
I remember thinking, "How could she? After.. everything.."
I knew she lost her cool. It was evident in the way she just looked at me. But I still couldn't excuse that, because, even if I was drunk, in my worst stage of intoxication, I wouldn't use her weaknesses against her. I wouldn't dare. Yet, she could do the exact same thing. It, being at the spur of the moment was definitely no excuse.
I remember instantly regretting everything in seconds. Opening up to her about everything. Giving her my fucking heart to begin with.
Nothing beats the shame that came right after. That moment it dawned on me that me and Giwa weren't the only people here. It dawned on me that not only had she betrayed my trust, but she had succedded in telling the entire school about my fucked up family.
After I had trusted only her with that.
The anger came right after, fueling my entire system and I had stormed off with Krisdana afterward.
Yet, after everything, I still couldn't watch her in pain. I couldn't leave her on the floor that day Kaniru had pushed and injured her. As much as I physically hated her presence because of how it made me feel, I still couldn't leave her. I couldn't leave her in the clinic, and I couldn't even leave her till I had gotten her home.
Even after everything.
That's what Giwa does to me. She makes me a fool for her. She brings out a part of me that I try to put under control. No matter how much I conceal it, she knows exactly which buttons to operate. She had that power over me. She even had the power to break me as a person.
That's what she did. She broke me. So, give me one good reason why I don't still hate her. The whole thing isn't just making any sense to me.
~KRISDANA~
I watched Ivandor go off into his thoughts again, and I let him. He had been doing this a whole lot often, yet he keeps lying that he was okay. I knew well that he constantly thinks about what happened.
I needed to be there for him, I knew. He was really of help to me the entire week. Thanks to he, Xander and Nova, I started to feel like myself again. My old self. Slowly.
I gave Ivandor his time anyways, and headed towards his neatly arranged to bed, and sat on it casually. That exact same time, my phone chimed with a text message.
I looked to it and discovered it was Nova.
"Come online quickly!"
That was literally all it said.
With a confused scowl on my face, I opened my WhatsApp app.
What on earth is so important that Nova would want me to come online for by half past 11pm?
I went straight to his Dm to ask what was up, only to see that he had already sent me some images.
I looked at it from the outro, already detecting how much it looked like ad flyers, and I sincerely hoped Nova wasn't about to waste my precious time.
I texted him;
"Nova Ifeanyi Igwe. What are these you sent me no vex?"
His reply came almost immediately;
"😂😂 It's flyers for the Karaoke Wing it Party. It's tommorrow evening."
Wait, what?
Tommorrow evening?
Another text popped up from Nova almost immediately;
"Casper spontaneously announced it some minutes ago. He said there wouldn't be time for it if not tomorrow, since yunno, jamb starts next week and WAEC follows barely two weeks after that. So, he, Aaron, me, and the media guys in our set are going to set everything up tommorrow. Are you coming?"
Am I coming? Of course! Who would want to miss the Karaoke Wing it Party. That was like missing your prom, or last social night, or freaking graduation!
"Please don't say you won't come. And make sure you drag Ivan along too, I know you seized his phone. I'll add you to the gc soon. This will really be good for us to get all the stress off our minds, and have some fun before exams start to banter us without mercy"
I actually chuckled slightly. Oh, Nova.
But he was right. The party was an excellent way to get us all temporarily happy again.
"What happened?" Ivandor asked me from the reading desk in which he sat.
I looked up from my phone, and my eyes landed on his' staring down at mine, without saying anything more, waiting for me to answer.
"Nova texted." I told him immediately.
"The Karaoke Wing it party is tommorrow evening!" I nearly squealed this and I could have sworn, his eyes lit up for the briefest seconds.
"He said he'll add us to the.." I paused, correcting myself immediately. "..he said he'll add me to the group chat soon. Isn't that exciting?!"
He looked like he was thinking about it for a while. "Tempting."
I know right?
"But, I'll pass. I'm not coming." He concluded easily, backing me and booting his laptop on casually.
My face fell instantly, dissappointed.
"What do you mean you're not coming?" I had to ask. I was talking to his back, but I didn't care.
He gave an easy shrug, moving his hands on his laptop. "I have a lot to catch up with. Jamb is next week."
"So, me, I don't have exams too, ba?" I snapped, playfully, but dead serious all at the same time.
I was distracted, and nearly even startled that minute, by the vibration of my phone on my laps.
I grabbed my phone immediately to see whose message had dropped in, and my heart sunk into my stomach immediately.
"Oh shit!" I cursed, making Ivandor to even get on the alert.
It was from Xander, and it read;
"Baby sis, what are you still doing online by 12am!? You want me to appear in Nigeria now, right? Will you off that phone and go to bed!!"
I swear, I read the message in his voice and my instincts did not even hesitate to obey him.
I immediately texted him back;
"Okay, okay, goodnight."
And before my message could even tick 'delivered', another message from him appeared in rapid fire speed, widening my eyes.
"Dana, you're still typing, instead of sleeping!"
Dear God.
Before I could completely go offline, a sweet ass message from him had managed to drop in.
"Night, baby sis. Love you. Sleep tight and remember to stay away from anything that looks like Yure, okay?❤️"
I laughed softly, shaking my head at the text, before putting down my phone.
"You're going to have to give me my phone back soon though. I have to be keeping in touch with school and the GC." Ivandor said to me, tapping away on his laptop.
"Everything to you is school, school, school. I'm an arts scholar too, and you don't see me talking about school all the time. That's why you don't want to come for a whole Karaoke wing it party!" I reprimanded him.
He chuckled, almost inaudibly, but I heard him.
"I'm serious, Kris." He said to me.
"I'm here, so I have all the school dets from GC that you'll ever need." I went on.
"And besides..Ivan, you know that group chat isn't good for your mental health right now," I continued, this time, my tone softer, and a lot more serious.
He didn't argue. Of course, he knew.
I seized his phone because I realised a lot of insensitive jokes were being made about his parents, ever since what happened that Wednesday. If he was going to have to deal with Giwa's betrayal, I wouldn't want our useless, insensitive classmates adding to his trauma. That would be way too much for him.
So, I took his phone away. True, the class group chat gives off a lot of useful information, especially on extra lessons and study helps and all of that, so instead, I'd use my phone to full him in on whatever thing that was important, that he needed to know.
That was what we agreed on.
"I would only give you back your phone temporarily on one condition." I told Ivandor, sincerely.
"I'm listening." He responded, typing on his laptop still.
"You'll reply Giwa's messages." I said.
Ivandor stopped typing, pausing for what seemed like ages. I actually got scared for a moment, wondering if he had actually frozen at that spot.
When he finally turned, like, actually turned around fully to face me, completely shunning his laptop, there was this look of uncertainty on his face.
"Giwa texted me?" He asked me, his voice measured.
I nodded, answering his question positively.
"She's been texting you for the past three days now. I was actually starting to feel bad for her." I told him, truthfully.
He was quiet again, clearly thinking about something. I could tell, because of how his eyes narrowed slightly into space.
Finally, his eyes set on me once again, and went on to ask, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"When Yure kept texting me, you seized my phone too, and did you tell me anything? Did you? I'm even being nice." I dismissed him playfully, with a wave of my hand.
"Oh, come on, Kris.."
I laughed at Ivandor, cutting him short adruptly.
I had to admit it. Slowly, I was becoming the old me again. That me, that was spontaneously playful and happy. Slowly.
"Okay, jokes apart..." I began, getting serious again. "I didn't really think you were in the best headspace to read her messages. But still, I figured it wouldn't be fair to Giwa if I kept quiet and let you just go MIA on her. I haven't read any of the messages though, and I suggest you go through it yourself."
"Now?" I added, asking, stretching out my hand and extending his Samsung phone to him to walk here and grab.
He got quiet again, pausing his lips for a moment, and looking into mid-air, contemplating, once again, lost in his thoughts.
I had already gotten used to him going off into thoughts for a while now. I waited for him.
"You know what?" He finally said, causing me to raise my brows at him.
"Keep the phone. I don't want to see the messages." The sudden coldness in his tone absolutely shocked me.
"Are you okay?" I had to ask, softly.
He stood up from his seat adruptly, muttering something to himself I couldn't hear, and running his hand through his hair.
What on earth was going onn in that big head of his?
"Ivandor, are you sure you're okay?" I was asking because I was genuinely worried about my cousin's mental state at the moment.
His hazel eyes finally met mine and softened as he let out a sigh.
"Honestly, I'm not okay, Kris." He finally admitted to me, his voice tired, and lacking the firmness they had just moments ago we were talking.
My heart broke for him. I could only but imagine how bad he must feel about the whole thing. I didn't even know which was worse, my situation or his'.
Yet, the fact that he still did all he did for Giwa that day was something that I couldn't fully relate
"You know one thing about the men in our family?" I said this, standing up and walking towards him, just to get closer, while he sat, crouching forward, having his face buried in his hands.
"Asides the scary temper and possible brain damage you all may have in common," I joked a little, before going back to business.
"Asides that, no matter how mad at someone you guys are, if you truly ever cared about them, you won't stop caring. You'd always be there for them. That's a beautiful quality you have, Ivandor." I genuinely told him.
"To be honest, I'm even more angry with myself than I am with her." He had admitted.
I understood where he was coming from. Giwa took even more off-guard that day. And for a fact, I was shocked, almost dissappointed, that Ivandor would even let out family secrets to her, just because he thought he was "in love".
Who knows? Maybe he was. Maybe he just really trusted the girl. So, why fault him?
"Do you think you can forgive Giwa?" I asked him.
He didn't respond for a while. I almost thought he didn't hear me. But, soon, his head went up to me.
"It's not just about forgiving her, Kris. There's a lot more to it." He told me.
"I don't know how I can ever look at Giwa the same again. I don't know how I can trust her, or even think about opening up to her about anything else ever in my life again. If I can't even talk to her about things anymore, how do we make "us" work if we can't even communicate?"
He was saying this and I literally felt like I could feel his pain.
I nodded in understanding, urging him to continue.
"It's heartbreaking really, because for the first time in my whole entire life, I actually felt like I could open up completely to someone who wasn't you, Kris. And look how things played out. "
The way he said it...it hit me in a way I couldn't explain. Mostly, because I couldn't bring myself to believe how beaten up by this he was. I knew he was aching inside, probably more than I could imagine. He sounded very drained. Tired. Worn out and depressed, like a deflated him being. A completely broken down living thing.
This was unlike him. And all these? Just because of one girl?
"Nothing I ever told her meant anything to her." He said, his voice having a pained tone to it that I couldn't even recognize to be associated with him.
"Ivan, stop."
He had to stop. He was only hurting himself.
"I meant nothing to her all these while, right?" He went on, beating and battering himself all over again with his own words.
"Ivandor Jonathan Fejaun. Stop this!" I had to scream at him.
"You can't say I meant anything to her, Kris!" He snapped back at me, and I could see that his eyes were already blood shut red.
That was fast.
I wanted to say something, but his trembling lips halted my words. His lips were actually shaking..his face was turning a redder shade that wasn't there before..his eyes, becoming moister every second...
Jesus Christ, what on earth has gotten into my cousin? What is all these? Why is he breaking down this fast? I know him to be stronger than this.
"You can't say me or my feelings meant anything to her, because I would never do what she did to her. Never even to my worst enemy." His voice came off a broken whisper that greatly unsettled me, sending cold, depressing chills around my entire body and threatning to make me lose my balance.
He had been keeping all these dangerous feelings, bottling it up for so long and failing to share. It was unhealthy for him. I was glad he finally had it in him to talk to me, but at the same time, my spirit cried for him.
"If it did mean anything to her, she would have thought for a second about using my weakness to destroy me, throwing away all those secrets into the open without even batting an eyelid, and disrespecting me, and my family in the worst way she could possibly think of...all in the name of proving a point against me." Ivandor literally spoke bit by bit, his tone, breaking every second, as he bore his heart out to me.
I don't know if I was seeing things, but I actually saw a tear drop.
He looked away from me immediately, hiding his face away from me and sniffing softly. I watched a hand of his cleverly wipe his face, like he thought I hadn't already caught him.
"She shouldn't have done that." He says, forcing firmness into his tone, trying to act like he wasn't just crying.
"The most painful thing about all these is that I still love her, Kris. I love Giwa, no matter what she has done." He told me.
Wow.
"But, maybe love isn't enough to sustain a good relationship. I've already made up my mind on what to do." He said, sighing, like he just decided something that was too much for him.
"What do you mean?" I asked softly, not fully getting his point.
"I mean I'm done with Giwa. That's final." He said, absolutely shocking me with the sudden firmness and assurance in his tone.
Oh my God😪💔
This chapter was so difficult to write because it broke my heart to a million pieces. It shattered me😪😪😪😪💔💔 It had to be done.
Now that we have gone into Ivan's head, what is your take? What do you have to say? And what are the chances you see of Giwandor sailing? Let me know!!!
I'm sorry for all the heart break. Believe me, this all happens for a reason. Our babies have to grow and learn, and they may have to learn it the hard way, but atleast they'll learn.
What would you say to Ivandor if you were inside this book? What would you say to Giwa?
13 chapter to go!!! See you on our next update!!❤️❤️❤️