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"y/n!" leanna said as she bursted into your medbay room with her datapad in hand.
"whats up?" you replied back as you sat up in your bed. not to get it confused, you somewhat enjoyed the infirmary. but, it had felt like you've been there forever- and you were starting to get sick of it.
"i have some news for you." she began walking over to your bedside and pulled up a chair.
"hm?" you said as you started to question what it could be.
"news- i have some for you."
"i know i know. what is it?"
leanna took in a deep breath before saying, "you're officially discharged- you're free to go! you are completely healed, i just got this information a few seconds ago."
"what?" you said as your eyes widened.
"im sorry it has taken this long. but, we wanted to monitor you to make sure that everything is perfectly fine."
"i-" you were at loss of words. just a few seconds ago, you were thinking about how much you wanted to go. but now that it was happening, you...you just didnt.
"you are obviously going to have to come back for some checkups and what not, but-"
"could i stay a bit longer? p-"
"y/n y/l/n, no you will not! go back to your friends and family and get the hell out of here. why would you want to stay?"
"because you're here! also, it's kind of fun doing absolutely nothing. im so used to being busy that it was a breath of fresh air to not have really any responsibilities."
"i understand, but stop acting like you'll never see me ever again. whenever you come down here for medical stuff, we will see eachother. also, we will hang out all the time, whenever we can- trust me." she smiled as you plopped back down into your bed.
"i do trust you, but i just know it's going to be werid going back to normal."
"it will be just fine. plus, you need to go get your man-"
"leanna, oh my gosh! first off, he is not my man. second off, you know that he hasnt been here in almost a month. dont you think that means something? hm?"
"oh whatever. men are men are men are men. they're just...dumb like that. now, im going to get your papers ready and you will be on your way!"
"okay." you replied to her as you watched her leave your room. "oh goodness." you said to the wall as you took in a deep breath.
like you told leanna, you were indeed nervous about returning to well... real life. so much has happened that was unexpected, but mainly just the hux situation. the more you thought about it, the more it shocked you.
how could someone do such a thing? you were in fact glad that he got killed, but you were a little pissed that you werent the one to actually do it. but then again, you were literally about to die so how could you have done it anyways?
also, if that entire situation didnt happen, your life could very well be entirely different. for starters, you wouldnt have met leanna when you did, but even if you had, there is a huge possibility you wouldnt have ever formed such a strong friendship with her. to hell with it, maybe you would be with kylo right now in some snowy planet. there is no way of knowing because well, what happened happened and-
"everything happens for a reason." you said out loud.
just as you said that, the door opened up and in walked etta, jaxx, and piers.
"kuts!" jaxx slightly screamed as he came running over to you.
"hey j!" you replied as you brought him into a hug.
"leanna told us about you leaving and we are so happy y/n! this is definitely a huge step for you." etta jumped into the conversation.
"i definitely agree. we are all just glad that you are doing good." piers added.
"thank you guys so much. i really mean it, and i am sincerely grateful for all of you. you have changed me for the better, and i couldnt ask for better friends and honestly...family. your support is just- ah this is so corny oh my galaxy just come over here already!" you laughed as they all came even closer to you. you brought them into a huge group hug and smiled while saying, "i love you all and thank you again."
"no need to thank us. you are our family as well, and we love you too." etta smiled as she and piers stepped back. jaxx on the other hand stayed by your side and eventually climbed onto the bed next to you, snuggling into your side.
the 4 of you talked for a good amount of time until leanna walked in with some clothes and papers in hand.
"hey guys! im glad you all got my message." leanna said to jaxx, etta, and piers. " y/n, here are the papers that i talked about and some fresh clothes for you. the papers just include some things you shoul- honestly, just reading it will be easier than trying to understand me explaining it." she laughed as she walked over and handed you the items.
"thank you so much leanna. i seriously appreciate it." you smiled as you received the items from her.
"i know you do, dont worry. now, no time to waste- chop chop!" she clapped her hands together as jaxx hopped up from the bed.
you stood up and started walking over to the bathroom that was connected to your room. it was somewhat similar to the one in your quarters, but a bit smaller. as you were walking, you saw etta and piers talking with leanna and jaxx standing next to them. you quickly changed and washed your face with some water.
as you looked into the mirror, you noticed something- your eyes. they looked different, but you couldnt wrap your head around what it was. you gave yourself a small smile and rushed out.
"thank you for helping my sister leanna. i know you have probably heard it a bunch of times, but i mean it." you heard jaxx say to leanna as she squatted down so she could accept the hug that he was going to give her.
"you are welcome jaxx. your sister is a great person and she cares for you greatly, remember that." she replied as she rubbed his back.
jaxx sensed your presence and quickly looked up as you. he walked over to your side and looked up at you.
"ready?" piers said as he stepped a bit closer to you.
"ready." you smiled at him.
jaxx, etta, and piers all began to walk out of the room before you said "ill catch up with you all, dont worry!"
you then turned your attention over to leanna and immediately engulfed her into a heartfelt hug. "i'll see you around, okay?"
"yes, of course you will." she said as she grabbed your arms and looked you in the eye. "you're going to be fine, y/n."
you simply smiled at her and started heading out of the door. you truly did feel 100% healed- mentally and physically.
you catch a glimpse of piers turning a corner, and ran over to the group. "i havent walked these halls in what seems like forever."
"i wish i could say the same." etta joked as she continued walking.
"so y/n, how does it feel? you know...to be out of the infirmary?" piers asked you.
"different. it honestly just feels different."
"understandable." he said back to you as you began to approach your quarters.
the 4 of you stood infront of the door before you broke the silence. "i think im just going to rest for the remainder of the day. thank you all again, hopefully maybe i'll be able to stop by tomorrow. oh shoot i have to get everything sorted out with wor- yeah."
"no worries, and don't push yourself y/n. not to be like that but...you know." etta responded.
you reached for the door knob and took in a small breath. when you entered the room, you immediately shut the door behind you.
"holy shit, this place looks abandoned or something." you exclaimed as you began walking around. in a way, it was kind of was. you'd been away for quite some time and there was no surprise it gave that vibe off.
everything remained completely the same since the day you left- untouched really. well, except for the fact that there was some type of bag on your bed. you stepped closer to it and realized that it was the bag that you brought to ah-ch to.
the bag that you arrived on the finalizer with on the day that redhead attacked you.
"how did this get here?" you questioned. "oh well, i dont really care." you followed up on your first remark.
you grabbed the bag and carefully threw it onto the floor into a corner. you collapsed onto your bed and closed your eyes.
"i missed this bed. i missed this room." you said out loud as you felt yourself beginning to fall in and out of sleep.
you forced yourself up and over to the bathroom. you took a hot shower and changed into some comfortable clothing, then immediately headed over to your bed and fell right asleep.
5 months have gone by, and life pretty much went back to normal- well...as normal as it could get.
you returned to your job, continued to hang out with etta and piers, grew even closer to leanna, and of course spent most of your time with jaxx. but, the only thing and the key thing missing was him.
kylo.
you hadnt seen him in what felt like forever, and you tried to not let it bother you too much. of course you could have just busted into his room, but things werent like how they were before. plus, if he wanted to see you...he would have already made that clear.
you made yourself busy to try and distract yourself from thinking about it, but there were many nights you stayed up wondering. you couldnt help yourself, who doesnt wonder?
you have went to numerous doctors visits and the last one you went to, they said you didnt have to return. hearing those words felt like the end of a honestly unnecessary chapter in your life, and you were beyond thrilled it was over.
of course you would never forget about it because first off, the event was definitely a...thing. second off, it actually taught you many things and you learned a lot from it.
while sitting at your desk just doodling since it was your off day, a certain corner of your room caught your eye.
you walked over to it and crouched down. "5 fucking months, and i still havent cleaned this up?" you said as you picked up the ah-ch to bag up from where you previously threw it.
you walked over to your bed and placed the bag down. you began to dumping all of the items that were in it, out. most were clothing and just basic necessities, but spotting a specific thing instantly caused you to pick it up.
"his shirt." you mumbled.
you almost with caution brought the piece of clothing up to your nose and took a small whiff. "no."
his scent was completely gone, and you immediately threw it back onto the bed with a settle hint of disappointment. then, you remembered that note you wrote to him the day you actually took the shirt.
sorry i couldnt stay buttbrains. i told jaxx last night that i would spend the day with him because i havent really been with him much lately. i hope you understand though. last night was fun and i know you will miss me.
ps. i took your shirt with me and i will not be returning it until the scent of you is fully gone.
- your favorite girl that you kidnapped
"well the scent sure is go-" then another important thing replayed in your head, but this time it was said by luke.
"but y/n, i need you to continue with the plan."
you took in a deep breath and immediately walked over to your bathroom. you knew what you had to do, but you knew it wasnt going to be easy- and that scared you.
"you must do this. luke wanted you to do this, and you do as well." you told your reflection that you were looking at in the mirror. "besides, whatever happens will happen with reason."
you briefly shut your eyes and you felt the force connecting with you. you knew that meant luke was with you, and that definitely gave you that push you needed.
you quickly walked over the your closet and put yourself a bit...more together. you cleaned the rest of the things from the bag up and snatched kylos shirt.
"im seriously going to do this right now." you said with an annoyed tone. the more you thought about it, the more it could go wrong. but, what if it didnt?
what if everything worked about the way you wanted it to go- hypothetically. except, your instinct was telling you that that was most likely not going to be the case at all.
before you knew it, you were there.
you were at his room.
without thinking, you knocked on the door. but, not too aggressively nor too softly either. your nerves were through the roof, but kylos were the complete opposite because well, he didnt know what was about to happen, and even if he did- he had been feeling pretty numb anyways, so it wouldnt even matter.
he had been feeling numb because he thought he was never going to lay eyes on you again. he promised himself that he would keep a distance from you, or better yet- just never see you. he did just that because he thought it would help him.
he saw you as a distraction. as a...as something that was holding him back. he knew it wasnt you deep down, but he kept telling himself that because thats what he wanted to believe. he wanted to believe that he solved everything.
yet here he was, in all of the months of not seeing you, not getting any sleep. yet here he was, finding his mind frequently wandering to the thought of you.
so when he opened that door, 1000 and 1 emotions and feelings rushed over the both of you- keeping each of you silent while maintaining direct eye contact and paralyzed in place.
you were the first to snap out of it which caused the same for kylo, so you pushed your way inside of his room.
it looked and just overall felt the same. warm. it just felt...warm.
kylo was still in shock and confusion so he didn't immediately fight against you entering. plus, he knew that it would be of no use anyway.
you hid the shirt that you were holding away from his view, and walked over near his desk. the room was completely silent, and you had a strong feeling that you were going to be the one who was going to end up breaking it.
you didnt really have a script or even really a general idea of what you were going to say, and you seriously regretted that now. when you reached his desk, you plopped right onto it, but the corner of your leg hit something.
you looked down and realized that it was a book. but it was about-
"forcehealing?" you said outloud. this immediately caught kylos attention and he scolded himself for being some naive.
well, he couldnt necessarily blame himself- it wasnt like he was expecting you or anything.
kylo stayed silent, which lead you to have more time to think about it.
forcehealing. hm, that s-
then you remembered what leanna told you the first day you woke up from the coma- that you had a strange and abrupt healing process.
the moment it clicked was the moment that kylo said, "leave."
you knew that this was where it was going to start, and you knew it was going to be far from pretty.
"you forcehealed me when i was in my coma. that was why i had such a sudden recovery." you said to him as you looked up at him.
kylo wasnt going to lie to you, but he also wasnt going to let you win so quickly. "y/n go. you arent welcome here right now."
"kylo" his eyes quickly met yours. you could see just how mentally tired he was, and it hurt you. "you need to stop r-"
"no you need to stop acting like you have complete control over me. i dont know what you think you are going to accomplish by being here, but whatever it is- isnt going to happen."
"oh please." you muttered to yourself. you hopped off of the desk and walked into his bathroom. "aha" you grabbed a bottle of his hair product and returned to where he was unamusingly standing.
when you returned with the hair product, kylo couldn't help but roll his eyes. of course you would do something so random in the very beginning of an argument, but that wasnt the point.
you took a whiff of the product and gestured your hand at him signaling for him to talk.
"what do you want?" kylo simply questioned.
you let your lips speak every thought that you were thinking which definitely wasnt a good idea, but you knew you had to get somewhere in this. "lets get away from this. all of it. leave it all behind so it's just the 2 of us."
hearing this, kylo was almost tempted by it. it was definitely very out of character of you, you and him could 100% agree upon that. seeing that he was tempted by it brought kylo anger- which you werent surprised about at all.
"stars y/n, like i said before- whatever you're trying to accomplish isnt going to happen. that includes what you just said. in fact, it is a perfect example of exactly whats not going to happen."
"why are you being so defensive and so...sure? so sure that it wont and cant happen?"
"you really don't understand do you?" kylo knew that from this point on, most of the words coming from his mouth werent going to be truthful at all.
when he said this, you also repeated to yourself that he was just blinded by rage since he knew you were right. like luke and yourself said, this want going to be easy whatsoever, so you tried to brace yourself for whatever harsh lies and maybe even truths he was going to slam onto you. you also prepared yourself from...yourself. you knew that you werent going to be an amazing role model either, but you were going to at least try a bit- maybe....ish.
"my galaxy doesn't revolve around you. i can live without you y/n, and maybe even better sometimes. the stars dont shine brighter when i think or am with you. im focused solely on the first order- the organization that i run and that i remind you, you are apart of. in fact, i think i should inform the other generals of your treasonous words and we will go from there."
"cut the shit! i never said that your galaxy revolved around me. my galaxy doesnt revolve around you-"
"sure doesnt seem like it."
"how? how does it seem that way."
"well um i dont know, you kind of just asked me to flee away with you!" he began to raise his voice even more.
"aw shit." you said to yourself. he got you trapped because of the words that you literally said yourself just a few minutes ago yet somehow managed to forget about. "oh whatever!"
"dont you think us not physically seeing eachother for more than 5 months signifies something?"
"of course i do b-" you cut your sentence short because you knew that exposing the fact that you and luke sort of came up with a plan to help him escape from the dark, was not a good idea.
"but what?"
"i can see how tired you are kylo. im not only talking about physically, but i also mean mentally." you totally changed the subject, but it wasnt like he was going to know anyways.
kylo didnt know how to respond to this. like seriously, how could he? so instead, he did what you just did- change the subject.
"you are a distraction y/n. you prevent me from reaching my full potential and i dont need that at all. open your eyes and face the truth, it might actually help you."
"face the truth? oh please, so you jus-" you once again had to stop yourself before you exposed your knowledge once again. "do you remember- well know that i think about it you probably dont but, do you remember when you brought my fucking family on this ship?"
"yes." kylo knew exactly where you were going to take this.
"okay then. so you remember how you did it without my pe-"
"i was the supreme leader when this took place so let me stop you right there. i have the right and authority to do whatever i want, including bringing your family onto my ship via my men."
"that still doesnt make it right! oh and guess what, i forgave you. then, do you remember when you fucking told my brother about what really happened with my parents? i should have taken that as the first and final red flag, but no. i didnt." you knew that words in that werent correct, but you sure as hell werent going to take them back- your pride and ego were far too big.
"but you guess what. i apologized! mind you, i dont do that. i dont think i have ever done that in fact." kylo seethed with anger. right now, it actually looked like you were the more amped up one.
"saying an apology you dont mean doesnt even count- it's just manipulation! i try but i j-"
"oh fucking hell. are we going to talk about real stuff or just this bullshit?"
"i dont even know who you are anymore. you definitely arent the man i fell in love with." right as the words slipped from your mouth, you felt an instant feeling of regret- knowing that what you just said was false.
the man that stood before you was the same man you met almost 2 years ago. except now, he was just more open. more brutally honest. more vulnerable.
"the man you fell in love with? youve never even said the complete sentence to me. when i tried to- which i wish i hadnt, you stopped me then proceeded to leave! you abandoned me and jaxx just as your family did to you." kylo felt his eyes widen when he finished. he knew he shouldnt have said that, and it seems to snap him out of his blinding furry.
when his eyes widened, your stomach dropped. you couldnt believe the audacity of this man and you didnt know how he was still breathing after saying such a thing.
"dont even hit me with that bullshit, you know that i love you- you know it for a fact! also, you know that they arent nearly the same. you know the reason i left and if you claim you dont, think-a-fucking-gain! i was fighting my own internal battles, so if jaxx can understand and interpret it, i would think that a grown ass man like you can do so as well!"
"you think that i wasnt? you think that i wasnt doing the exact same thing y/n? you arent the only person in this galaxy that goes through hardships, so stop acting like it."
"like your pull to the light?"
both you and kylos breathing stopped for a second, and you knew you fucked up.
"what did you just say to me?" kylo said with gritted teeth. he wasn't surprised that you were knowledgeable about his past and also present, after all- you were with luke for a number of months. but, there was always a part of him that seemed to forget this vital type of information.
there was no going back now, so you decided to just go for it at this point. "you know that i was with luke and you also know that he isnt the type to just- yeah! i know a lot more than you might think-"
"like what?" he said while trying to calm himself.
"do you really want to go there ren?" he gave you a 'go on' type face, in which you replied with a small shrug.
"well for starters, you killed your father and also oh wait...luke! you fucking killed luke you little b-" you let your anger get the best of you, but before you could charge at the man- for whatever reason your brain thought it would be a good idea, you were frozen in your spot.
"let go of me slime brain!" you yelled at kylo as he kept you in a force hold while clenching and unclenching his fists.
when he didnt listen, you counteracted his force hold on you with your own, and was able to free yourself. both of you were fuming and boiling with pain, anger, sadness, and a bit of heartbreak.
you both knew things were said that neither you meant nor were true at all. you decided that it would be a good time to go since clearly there was going to be no helping or saving on this particular day. also, the tension in the room was building but it wasnt the good kind or any of the sorts.
you began heading for the door before you got a tight hold on the shirt you brought to his room and tossed it at him.
"the scent. it's gone." you said to him as a small, single tear swiftyly fell down your cheek. you quickly rushed out and made your way back to your room without wasting any time.
when you arrived, you used the force to slam the door shut- making the walls shake for a split second. you were angry that you werent successful. you were hurt because of the horrible things said in the room.
"you knew it wasnt going to be easy. you knew shit was gonna go down. dont beat yourself up." you told yourself as you paced back and forth.
the tears werent flowing, but your urge to scream sure was. you forced yourself onto the ground and crossed your legs. you shut your eyes tightly, and began your usual routine of meditation.
you reached out to the force and got ahold of it quickly. "luke." you called out, praying for a reply.
when the only response you got in return was silence, you called out again. "i need you luke."
nothing...again. "fucking hell, i cant do this anymore!" you screamed out as you suddenly dropped back to the ground. you hadnt even realized that you were levitating, but it was the least of your concerns.
you decided to just hop in the shower because it was starting to get kind of late, and you hoped that the hot shower would calm you down.
you spent around 30 minutes just standing there until you began slidding down the wall. you eventually reached the tile floor and wiped your soaking hair off of your face as the water continued to splash down on you. you closed your eyes once more, and almost fell asleep from your exhaustion.
you eventually got out and changed into a simply tank and sweats. you laid onto your bed and just...stared. you stared at the ceiling, hoping that things were to change.
while you were doing that, kylo was just...standing. he had been standing in the same spot since you left- which was now almost an hour ago.
for some reason, you saying "well for starters, you killed your father and also oh wait..luke!" kept replaying in his head. the fact that you said it really made it far more significant than it really was- a fact.
he has killed his own father.
he had killed his own uncle.
a million thoughts rushed in kylos brain- nothing out of the normal. but in the moment, they were all louder. he felt like he was drowning, like he was suffocating.
kylo looked down onto the ground and picked up the shirt you threw at him. he then almost with caution brought the piece of clothing up to his nose and took a small whiff.
her. it smells like her. kylo thought to himself.
he slowly lowered the shirt and went to go put it down right when he felt an awfully familiar presence. the familiar presence of none other than-
"whats up kid." kylos breath hitched as he heard that voice he hadnt in a long time. he slowly turned his body around and there he was.
his father-han solo...standing right in front of him.
kylo stayed silent as hans eyes met his own. there was a short pause before han spoke up. "what are you even doing son?" han said with almost an annoyed and tired voice.
"son? im not your son. your son was weak, unknowledgeable, and powerless. i am kylo ren- supreme leader of the first order." kylo said, flaunting his achievements to his own dead dad.
"ben" kylo felt his heart skip a beat. just seeing his father made something in him...change in some sort of way, and at the rate of how fast it was occurring- there was nothing he could do about it. "come home."
"my home is here with the first order. it is here with the dark side, not the feeble light." kylo felt that with every lying word coming out of his mouth, he was going to run out of them.
he knew that saying untruthful things to his father was doing neither of them good. but, he couldnt bring himself to say what he ultimately wanted to say either.
"she misses you dearly, your mother...leia." han said. he knew that this was going to strike his sons nerve, and he also knew that it might just push him into the right direction as well.
kylo felt his eyes immediately begin to water from hearing her name, but he maintained to keep himself contained. "no she doesnt. i have taken too much from her...its too late." kylo quit trying to keep his big guy front up, and allowed himself to break just a little bit.
"no its not, you know that. she has and always will love you ben. go back to her before it is too late."
"i...i dont know if i can do it. i know i have to, but i dont think i can." kylo said with uneasiness.
in this very moment, he knew that things shifted back to how they should have been all along. a feeling of regret for everything he has done to the galaxy blasted onto him. his mother being brought up into the conversation really seemed to do it for him, because he missed her more than he could express.
"yes you can. you know deep within that you can." the older man softly smiled at his son, for he knew that that was exactly who he was. "and ben, dont be so foolish with y/n."
kylo let out a small sigh as han stepped closer to him. "dad-" he couldnt seem to finish his sentence, yet han knew exactly what he was trying to say.
"i know." he replied as he briefly stroked kylos face.
with a blink of an eye, han disappeared from kylos sight- leaving him all alone. but, not alone completely but now kylo had a feeling of hope and just overall light within him. he shut his eyes for a couple of minutes, taking everything in that just happened.
"y/n." he said outloud as he instantaneously picked the shirt up once more and began heading out the door. he knew that he needed to make things right right now, even though it hadnt been more than 5 hours since you saw eachother and argued.
but, he couldnt wait, and there was no sense in doing so anyway. he wanted to listen to his father for once, and this was one of the first thing to do.
it didnt take him very long at all to arrive, and when he did he took in a small breath. "it's all good." he told himself as he swiftly knocked on the door.
he was determined- more than determined actually to fix this entire thing. he needed you, and he was mad that it took him this long to truly confess the obviousness.
sure he began to say "i love you" all those months and months ago, but in his eyes and your own, that didnt count at all. all of that just...didnt count.
he was going to do whatever it took to get you back, no matter the risk nor price because well, it was his absolute and complete goal.
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authors note
i- i know. I KNOW I KNOW IM SORRY. i have apologized millions of times before, and here i am yet again....im sorry for not updating in 2+ weeks. school is my top priority, and lately it has just been...a lot to say the least. like i said in a announcement a little while back, im going to be updating hopefully once a week from now on. i appreciate all of the support, and it truly means so much to me. i wouldnt be where i am today without you all, and i love you so so much. i really hope you enjoyed this super fucking long chapter HOLY FUCK ITS MORE THAN 5000 WORDS UM OKAYYYY. lmaooo anywayssd the next ones will be of similarity which is of course, extremely long. writing these chapters have grown far more time consuming over time, but its definitely worth it ;)) jendkdkd this note was also very long, but more chapters to come soon (fingers crossed times 10)
-i.t