Words 2539
Just a heads up, this is a very intense chapter.
HARDIN.
"Will you please text her, Hardin? She isn't texting me back." Tessa begs, grabbing my forearm and squeezing.
I pull it out of her grasp, putting my palm on the top of her head. Her chin is propped up on my chest, and she is completely naked. I can't say no to that!
Not that I want to. I'm also curious about where Emery could be. It has been an hour! She should be home by now. Auden texted us saying his friend Jim is going to take him to his house for a couple hours so we didn't need to pick him up. So, we've been using our alone time for pleasure, but now we are worried as fuck as to where Emery could be. She usually comes home to at least shower and change before leaving the house again but she hasn't done any of that. Plus, she's mad at Tess which worries me more. I reach for my phone and search through my contacts. "She's mad at you, Tess."
"I know that." She snaps, "you don't have to keep reminding me."
"I'm sorry." I send Emery a simple 'where are you?' text and look back down at Tessa who has a frown on her face. "I'm
sorry, okay?" My hand brushes against her smooth soft back.
"Are you mad at me about it too?" She asks, her eyebrows lifted.
I shake my head. "I think you could've played it out smarter, but I also think Emery shouldn't be such a bitch to you."
Tessa looks down as she thinks of my words, and traces small imaginary patterns onto my chest. "I didn't realize that Robby was the reason she was so cold to me." She whispers and looks up into my eyes. "I knew we shouldn't have called the police without asking."
"Then she'd say no and we would've been back at that hospital a week later for a worse injury." I mutter. I feel some guilt spread through my chest at the fact it's my fault Emery hates her mother. The whole car ride home consisted of my head on the window, my eyes shut, and my mind racing with guilt. It started off by feeling guilty for Emery's sadness, but it quickly shifted to feel guilty for putting Tessa in that situation. I made Tessa do it. I did slightly mention that to Emery but that didn't seem to change her mind. She is set on hating Tessa.
More guilt floods through my body at the fact I'm relieved it's not me she hates. I feel so fucking bad for Tess but I don't know if I could take the hate for her. I've always promised myself I would never be like my dad. If my children hated me, then I would be breaking that promise to myself.
Selfish? Sure. But I'm so fucking relieved Emery doesn't hate me whether it's selfish or not.
"If you could, would you go back and take the call instead of me?" Tessa asks as if she can read my terrible thoughts. Fuck... I don't want her to think of me as selfish, although I'm pretty sure she already knows it.
"If I'm being honest..." I pause. Am I really going to be honest about this? That's what she wants though, right? Honesty. She has always wanted honesty. "No. I'm relieved she hates you and not me."
Fuck... see! This is why I'm not honest. I end up fucking it up.
She seems hurt by my comment but quickly recovers. "Oh..." she trails off, looking down at my chest that her chin was rested on seconds ago. "You're right. That was a stupid question."
"Yeah..." I mumble, unable to stop my unplanned words. Damn it, Hardin! Stop fucking talking!
Tessa sighs, leaning her head down on my chest, and I hug her closer. My phone blings, and I read Emery's text aloud. "Out."
Tessa let's out a pathetic laugh and lifts herself up. "Great." She shakes her head and I try to pull her back towards me but she's too quick. "I'm going to go clean around the house. Last time I checked there were dishes that needed to be tended to." She explains, crawling off of me and putting her robe on.
I decide to give up on trying to make her stay. It is 4:30. This isn't a time to be in bed. "Careful with your robe. The blinds are open downstairs." I say, tucking the blanket further around my chest. I don't feel like getting up yet. I did a fuck ton of work downstairs from 9:00 AM to, I believe, 2:30 PM. I've had a very productive day. I might take a shower with Tess once she's finished doing whatever she said she was about to do. I don't know, I wasn't fucking listening. All I heard her say is 'I'm going to go' and then something about chores? I huff as she leaves the room. Why can't she just spend time with me since the kids aren't here? It's rare we get to do this. And of course she leaves when I want her here the most.
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I jolt awake as I hear a bloodcurdling scream come from downstairs. It's nighttime now, and it's raining so hard that it almost meets the volume of the retched shouts. I quickly look over to where Tessa usually rests and she's sound asleep.
"No..." my words are barely audible, but my mind is screaming at me. This is a dream, I know it is. But this isn't how it usually goes. I usually wake up and Tessa is no where to be seen, which helps me connect that she's the one screaming downstairs. But she's peacefully asleep beside me, which means someone else is screaming downstairs. Who is it?
"Dad!" My blood pumps quicker as I push myself off the bed, scrambling off the hard wood floor and running down the steps.
I suddenly forget that this is a dream and my body begins to panic when I see the shitty boy who terrorized her pinning her down onto the ottoman with his hand on her face. She's swinging her arms at him, smacking his sweaty skin with her small hands. All of the sudden I can't move and I'm forced to watch as he takes advantage of my little girl.
"Stop!" I scream, "please, stop!" It's the only thing I really can do in this situation. I can't move, I can't think straight, and I can't even breath without feeling immense pain spread through my chest. Is this what it's like when your world crumbles?
Suddenly I'm able to move and I run towards the fucker and tackle him off of her and onto the ground.
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I wake up, pushing myself out of the covers and pressing my head against the headboard. My breathing is so frantic that you can hear each breath and I'm trying my hardest to calm down.
I look around the room in search for Tessa, but she isn't here. Where is she? Fuck, no. Please don't happen again. Please.
"Tessa!" I scream helplessly, my whole body tightening up, making it hard for me to even move. Fuck, it's happening again. "Fuck..." I breathe, my breath wheezing while I try to find some good fresh air. There is no good fresh air in nightmares.
Fuck, please stop.
Suddenly the door opens and Tessa is darting towards me, climbing onto the bed, and grabbing my cheeks. "You're okay. I'm here, Hardin. I'm not going to leave you."
I stare into her eyes and my vision blurs as they begin to water. My large hands grasp her forearms and she caresses my cheek with one hand and pets my hair with the other. "You're okay. I'm not going to leave you." She repeats.
She places my head onto her shoulder, and I let out a small sob. Is she really here or am I still dreaming?
She's still in her fluffy robe from when she left me in the room. I can feel the soft fluff of the gray robe and I use that as evidence that she is, in fact, here with me.
I wish she didn't leave me. I would have never had that terrible terror. "They're back." I say in between sobs and she rubs my back. "The Emery ones. They're back." I specify and she sighs, adjusting herself in a more comfortable position. I don't let go of her, holding her as if she's the last thing on earth.
I started to have nightmares about Emery and Robby when it happened. I'd have them any time I fell asleep without Tessa upstairs with me, or every time I fell asleep writing. "It's alright, baby." She mumbles, knowing how much 'baby' calms me.
She lays down with her back against her own pillow and her head on the headboard. She guides my head down to her warm chest. This always calms me. Her warmth radiating from her, the way her chest lifts under me when she takes a breath, and her heart beating into my ears like a little song. It's everything I need to be calm. Not to mention that her breasts are like a soft pillow for my cheek. I can't help but feel like a baby. Babies find comfort through the breast as well, although they find it by sucking her tits. I would do that, but I can hardly catch my breath as it is.
She's still petting my head softly and whispering comforting words. It's everything I need to calm down.
"Do you want to get in the shower and wash off all of this?" She asks as I lift my head. She brushes the wet hair from my forehead as I nod. "Auden is home. I'm going to go tell him you're okay and I'll meet you in the bathroom."
I nod my head, my eyes not leaving her. Another comforting thing about her is her beautiful gray eyes. They'll leave you breathless, but I'm the good way; you'll never want to breathe again.
I lift myself from off of her, knowing that if she took too long, Auden would come up here and see if I'm okay. Which, I would love for him to do that, but I'd rather him not see me this way; all disoriented and scattered.
Tessa kisses my wet forehead, before walking out of the room. I bend over the bed and pick up my underwear, slipping them on and walking to the bathroom. I'd rather not try and fit my skinny jeans on right now. Just imagining the feeling of them on my sweaty legs makes me feel sick.
I look into the mirror, my eyes red from the small sob session I had, and my face flushed. I'm so fucking emotional it's disgusting. I sometimes miss when I could be the 'who-gives-a-fuck dick' in public and save the 'no-one-love-me-or-cares-about-me pussy' for the safeness of my room in the frat house.
Now there's a person who knows my emotions and understands them as if they were hers. I've lost my 'dickiness', which I guess is a good thing, but it was a good way to assert power above others and to hide my emotions. Now I have no reason to put up that persona and I kind of miss it.
Because no matter how many times Tessa says it's okay, I don't feel okay with it. It's not okay to just cry on her shoulder like a pussy. I'm a man for fucks sake. She should be crying on mine.
The door opens, waking me from my deep thoughts. Tessa steps inside, shutting the door behind her. "You alright?" She asks and I nod.
"Maybe I should take a shower by myself, Tess." I suggest, knowing real fucking well that when I step in there I'm going to cry my fucking eyes out because of my night terror.
She sighs, placing her soft small hand on my bicep. "I'm going to take a shower with you, Hardin. You need me with you."
Every fucking time I try to be strong and I try to give her a way out of comforting me through my night terrors, she never takes them. I'm honestly confused on why. She couldn't possibly like seeing me this way.
"I'm fine, Tess. Just go take care of Auden." I take a step closer to her, taking her hand off my shoulder.
"Hardin, I'm getting in the shower. This isn't something to discuss." She says bluntly, pushing passed me in the small bathroom, and turning the shower on.
I watch as she removes her clothing, but my mind is some place else. I'm always so scattered after a night terror.
She's mostly used to my actions and words now, to the point it's almost routine. She's been through my night terrors and knows exactly how to fix me.
Once she's fully naked, she steps closer to me and touches my cheek. "It's okay to feel emotions, Hardin. Emotions is what brings us together. We wouldn't be together if we didn't feel love and we wouldn't love if we didn't feel anger or sadness." She whispers and I nod my head.
"I know." I say, barely audible. I don't know if she heard me or read my lips, but she smiles and looks down at my underwear.
"Let's get these off, okay?" There's no seductive tone to her voice and I'm honestly relieved. I can't think right now, let alone give into her beautiful body.
Her fingers slip into the side of my underwear and she slips them down. I watch her as she waits for me to step out of them. "You know, I could've taken them off."
"I know. Step out." She looks up, her knees now on the floor of the bathroom as she waits for me to step out. Okay, so maybe I do like to see her look up at me like this. It's a good distraction from my flooding thoughts.
I step out of my underwear and she stands back up, throwing them to the side. "Will you wash me too?" I ask innocently and she giggles.
"Yes, I will." She sticks her hand into the shower to feel the water and gives me a thumbs up.
We enter the shower and I push the thoughts of the nightmare aside and focus on listening to Tessa tell me a story of when she was little and how she got colored pencils for her birthday one year and they were all used and gone within two days. It's a somewhat meaningless story but it distracted me from my terrible thoughts. That, and her small hands on my chest as she lathered the shampoo into my skin.
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𝙰𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛'𝚜 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎
Hope you liked this hessa chapter!!
I'm going through a slump again where I feel unmotivated to write. Your comments really encourage me so I know I'll be happy to write once I see your comments!
Chapter twenty five: Dec. 7, 2020