Leah POV
I begin to wake up due to the early morning sun shining through the window, a long groan passing by my lips as I roll onto my side, my back facing the window. I take a few minutes, realizing that I'm probably not going to go back to sleep now that I've woken up. I then let out a loud sigh before I slightly open my eyes and grab my phone off of the bed side table. I then turn on my phone, seeing it is now six in the morning. I thought I would of woken up to my alarm but I guess not. I guess my body wanted to wake up before it.
Since I do have to go to work today, I set my alarm quite early so I was able to take as much time I needed to get ready. I then go into my alarms, turning off the one that was about to go off in thirty minutes. I then lay on my back for a moment, staring up at the ceiling, trying to decide if I want to take a shower before I go to work or not. Since I did end up staying the night at Sage's last night, the guest bedroom does have a bathroom attached to it so it wouldn't be that much trouble.
I truthfully wasn't going to stay over at Sage's last night but she begged me so I had to. Plus, I knew how much it would kill me to just continue being in that apartment without Harry. I just didn't want to bother Sage and bring her into it, even though I know Sage would never have a problem with me staying over or letting me talk to her about everything going on. If anything, that's what she wants. I knew she wasn't going to stop bugging me until I came over and she was able to make sure I'm okay so I just decided coming and spending one night would be best.
Also, I missed her. A lot.
I hung out with her a lot when Harry was here but I feel like we didn't hang out as much as we should of or as much as we used to. Now that he isn't here anymore, I can spend more time with her outside of work. That's one good thing I suppose. Sage last night kept yelling at me to try thinking over the positives instead of the negatives but how do I do that when the person who kept me sane and happy decided to leave without telling me goodbye? How do I do it? I truly have no idea.
I don't think the sharp pain in my chest that I feel when I hear his name will ever go away.
God how I wish it would though.
The sad thing is, it's not even just his name. It's absolutely everything. I can't go anywhere without there being a memory attached of us. And if somehow there isn't, all I think about is how I wish I could of gone there with him. It's hell. I feel like I'm getting more angry as time goes on though. Last night when I hung out with Sage and Zoe, we drank some as we always used to do, and I thought I would get sad and cry all night but that's not what happened.
I got emotional for about ten minutes and shed a few tears but then the more shots I took and the more I thought, I became angry. I was infuriated. I basically yelled out all of the things I wish I could say to him to Sage and Zoe as they sat there with their eyes wide. Sage knows what that means though. She know that means I'm now I'm my second stage of grief and processing my pain. That means I'm one step closer to the scariest stage of mine. The stage of mine that I really don't want to hit and neither does Sage.
Numbness. Complete and utter numbness.
Once I fall into that last and final stage, it's basically game over. You would think the angry stage is when people don't like me, but you're wrong. It's when I'm numb. I become cold to absolutely everyone as I sink myself further and further into the pain I'm feeling. I drown myself in it. It starts off feeling overwhelming, but then I slowly start to feel nothing.
I feel numb.
I don't like myself when I'm like that. I would hate to see myself become that person again. I hated who I was then, and so did everyone else. I wasn't okay, but I would never admit that. I just don't know how to prevent it from happening. I truthfully think it's inevitable. It's always happened so why would Harry be any different? If anything, I think it makes it more possible. With how quick I've run through these two stages and the amount of pain I'm feeling, I don't think there's any way of stopping me from hitting rock bottom.
I don't even think Sage could save me.
I don't think anyone can. Except him. I think if I were to see him again, I'd be pissed but the first thing I would do is run into his arms. God how I want him to hold me again. I've never craved something so much in my life. Then right after, I'd yell at him and tell him everything I've felt this passed week. I want to be able to do that though. I want to see him again. I want to hear his voice again. I want to feel him again. No matter how mad I am at him, he's something I will always want. He's something I'll always crave.
I love him still.
I love him so much that it kills me. The thought of me wishing I could just wipe that love away has begun popping up more and more and I don't know how to stop it. It hurts me every single time after it happens. I know I should never wish that and I'm so grateful that I've met him and that I've grown such a connection with him, but loving him to the extent I do only makes him walking away so much harder and I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
The only thing to solve that is for him to come back to me, which he most likely isn't going to do. I mean hell, he won't even pick up when I call him or answer any of my text messages. If he can't even do that, he definitely won't run back to me. I don't know how desperate I'm going to get to see him again. Maybe one day, I'll go and see him. Whether that be a few weeks from now, a few months, or even a year. Maybe someday, I'll grow the courage to get on a place and go to him since he left before I could go with him.
I quickly snap myself out of my thoughts as I look straight down at the white covers on the bed. I hate that I keep doing that. I let out a long sigh before I throw the sheets off of me and step out of the bed. I then walk right into the bathroom, grabbing out a towel before I turn on the shower, setting the water to the right temperature. I then take a quick glance at myself in the mirror before I get underdressed.
"You won't have another breakdown in the bathroom at work today. You're going to be strong until you get back home. No crying at work" I repeat to myself in my head. I've been having to give myself pep talks each morning and especially when I go to work. Being at the cafe always hurts considering that's where we met. Without the pep talk going through my head throughout the day, I don't know how I'd make it.
I then hook my fingers into my underwear, pulling them down my legs before I grab the hem of my shirt, yanking it over my head. I set both of the pieces of clothing aside before I open the shower door and step inside. The second the warm water hits my back and shoulders, I instantly relax and let out satisfied sigh.
Thank god I woke up early so I can take my time.
-
Once I hopped out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my body and my hair as I went through my bag, picking out an outfit for today. I then throw the clothes on the bed before I walk to the bathroom. I pull the towel out of my hair, setting it down beside me before I begin to brush through my hair, untangling it. After I'm done, I set the brush down before I pull out the hair dryer, plugging it in before I turn it on and start drying my hair.
Mid-way through me drying my hair, I see Sage's reflection in the mirror as she walks up to the doorway into the bathroom. I quickly turn down the dyer before I turn towards her. "Zoe and I made breakfast so I just wanted to come and tell you. You don't have to rush or anything though" she informs me.
"Okay. Thank you for making it. I'm almost done with this then after, I'll get dressed and come out to eat" I respond to her softly, sending her a warm smile.
"Okay" she nods her head at me before she turns around to walk away.
"Sage," I begin, making her come to a halt as she turns back around to face me. "thank you for letting me stay here last night. It was nice to wake up and not feel so suffocated by my apartment" I speak quietly.
I see her gaze at me for a few moments, the corners of her lips slowly curving up into a soft smile. "Of course. You can stay here as long as you need Leah. Zoe and I don't have a problem with it at all" she tells me.
"I know but I just wouldn't want to bother y'all-"
"You could never bother us. Ever. And I know Zoe would stand with me on that as well" she quickly interrupts me, her voice serious and stern. "Listen Leah, I want to do everything I can do to make sure that you're okay. I can't imagine how hard what you're going through is so I want to do everything I can do to make sure you stay sane because I refuse to lose you again" she adds.
If only she knew that it's inevitable and she can't fix me.
Nor am I her problem to fix.
"I know and I really appreciate it, I do. I'm fine though, I promise" I breathe as I look down at the ground, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
"That's what worries me" she says, the sound of her voice making me look up at her. "Either you're lying or you've fallen way deeper than I thought you have if you're fine like you say. Because there's no way you can be fine after something like that Leah" she murmurs.
I stare at her, trying to figure out some sort of response but I can't. I feel like my tongue has been tied. "Sage I'll be fine I promise you. I have you and that's all I really need" the words slip off of my tongue elegantly as I try to put certainty and truth in my voice.
I see her narrow her eyes slightly like she's trying to read me, until I watch her shoulder slump down and a long sigh pass through her lips. "Okay. And I'll be here for you every step of the way, whenever you need me" she speaks firmly.
"I know" I chuckle.
I see her bite down on her lower lip, trying to hide the wide grin on her face. "Okay I'm bugging you so I'll let you finish up then come out into the kitchen to eat with us. We'll be waiting" she drags out loudly as she slowly walks away from the bathroom. I then hear the bedroom door shut, making me let out a small laugh as I shake my head side to side.
God how I'm so lucky to have her.
I really don't know what I'd do without her. I truly don't think I would of survived without her. She means everything to me. She's always made me her priority since we were kids and I truly have no idea why. I have no idea how she sees so much worth in me. It honestly baffles me. I won't say I'm not grateful for it though. I'm so lucky to have a friend like her because I know some people don't get that chance.
I snap myself out of my thoughts before I turn the hair dryer back up, finishing off the rest of my hair. It only took about five minutes before I was done with my hair which was actually way less time than I thought it would be. I then took off the towel that was wrapped around my body before I pulled on some white lacy underwear and clipped on a white bra to match with it. I then put on a white t-shirt and paired it with some black skinny jeans.
I seriously need to start wearing different colored jeans.
Truthfully, I used to wear blue jeans more often but since I met Harry, I fell in love with black skinny jeans. I just liked how they looked on me much better. I'll never forgot how much I teased Harry for having like five pairs of the same exact black skinny jeans. Soon I'd become a hypocrite and eat my words though. I then quickly slip on some black socks before I make my way out of the bedroom.
Once I step out into the kitchen, I get a strong whiff of the aroma of cinnamon rolls. My absolute favorite. Definitely not the healthiest, but my favorite. I see Sage and Zoe sitting at the dinning table eating as I walk past them, heading towards the food. I then reach into the tray of them, pulling out one before I take a large bite of it, the delicious flavor making a small hum leave my lips. "I nearly forgot how good these are" I mumble to myself.
"Or how good mine are you should say" I hear Sage yell.
I roll my eyes at her, a small chuckle flying past my lips as I walk over to them. I then pull out a chair, sitting down in it as they both sit in front of me. "Yes. I forgot how good yours are" I sigh dramatically, a faint smirk appearing on my face. I then quickly glance over at Zoe, seeing a unsure and concerned expression on her face as she looks between Sage and I. "Why are you two acting so weird. Zoe looks at me with the worried look on her face and Sage is being very careful around me. "You two don't have to walk on eggshells around me you know?"
"I'm just trying to be careful Leah. I don't want to say anything that will trigger you and make you upset considering everything that's happened" Zoe breathes.
Before I can even open my mouth to say my usual 'I'm fine', Sage decides to speak up. "Leah says she's completely fine today, which I definitely believe is bullshit" Sage says openly, informing Zoe.
I let out a loud huff. I knew Sage would know I was lying. I mean it's Sage we're talking about. "If y'all want me to get better then don't say his name. Don't even mention him at all. I don't want to think about him or what he did" I mutter as I look between them.
I see the both of them glance at one another as they soak in my words. "Okay" Zoe agresses as she connects her gaze with mine. "Well I do want to say, you look really good today. You seem better than you were yesterday" she adds.
"Are you implying that I didn't look good yesterday?" I quickly repsond, my voice noncholant as I furrow my eyebrows at her.
"No- no that's not what I meant-" she stutters.
"I'm just teasing" I whisper as the corner of my lips twitch up into a wide smirk. "Now excuse me, I have to go put on some makeup because unlike you two, I need it. These dark circles under my eyes are quite horrible" I speak up, my half eaten cinanom roll in my hand as I get up out of the chair, beginning to walk back to the bedroom. Just as I walk away through, I hear Zoe whisper an astonished 'She's putting on makeup?' to Sage, it making a breathy laugh escape my lips.
-
After I went back into the bedroom, I finished the rest of my food before I pulled out my makeup and started putting some on. I only added some concealer underneath my eyes, and put on mascara to hopefully make me look more alive. I then added a bit of blush and some tinted lip gloss and that was it. I didn't have the energy or patience to do any more than that. I then grabbed my purse and my phone before Sage and I hopped into her car and made our way towards the cafe.
I really wasn't that excited about going to work. Usually I love coming to be able to talk to Finn and Sage but lately, I've really not enjoyed coming. That probably has something to do with the shitty mental state that I'm in but I just have to suck it up. There's really nothing else I can do. Thankfully though, the day wasn't really busy but it wasn't slow either. I couldn't really fool around with Sage but I wasn't stressing either.
I stand there at the counter, staring straight down at my phone sitting in front of me, waiting until the clock strikes one so I can finally go and take my lunch. I get interrupted though when I hear the bell make a ding sound, meaning someone has walked into the cafe. When I look up, I quickly see the back of someone who has the broad figure of a man. His long curly brown hair makes my entire body freeze as my heart drops. It can't be him. There's no way.
That thought gets proven right when he turns around, his gaze instantly catching mine. His caramel brown eyes stare right at me as a warm smile is plastered on his face. I quickly snap out of my thoughts as I clear my throat. "Hello. What can I get for you?" I blurt out.
"Can I get a large green tea please?" his low voice flows out softly as he reaches into his wallet.
"Okay. That'll be $3.25" I inform him. He then holds out his card for me, making me take it from his hand to swipe it. After I'm done, I hand him his card back, a small and forced smile on my face. "It'll be out to you shortly" I tell him, making him nod is head at me before he whispers a quiet 'thank you'
I then turn around to go and make it but quickly see Finn already at the machine, the sight making me halt right in my spot. "I overheard it so I thought I might as well make it for you since I'm quicker anyways" he teases me, a small grin on his face.
I let out a breathy laugh as a scoff flies past my lips. "You really need to stop hanging out with Sage so much. You're starting to sound like her" I bite back. He then rolls his eyes at me before he puts the top on the drink and hands it to me. I quickly grab it from him, picking up a straw before I hold it out for the customer, making him walk back up to the counter. "Here you go. Enjoy" I try to speak enthusiastically but it kind of fails.
"Thank you" he murmurs, a soft smile on his face as he gently grabs it from my hand. He holds his gaze with mine a bit longer than I would of felt comfortable with before he turns around and walks towards the bookstore right next to us. I for some reason, watch him as he walks into the bookstore, feeling myself get lost in my thoughts.
Fuck he really does look like Harry from the back.
He's wearing a grey shirt, with some black jeans. They're not near as skinny as the kind Harry would wear but he definitely does resemble him from the back. The long curly brown hair is what really scared me. I didn't know really any other men here grew their hair out. I hadn't really seen it before I met Harry. I never knew I found that attractive until I met him. It was just so intimidating. It made him look very hot and mysterious. I can't say I'm surprised I fell for him. I think anybody who looks his way would.
"Leah" the sound of Finn calling my name quickly snaps me out of my thoughts as I twist my body towards him. "It's one. You can go take your lunch break now" he says.
"Oh- okay" I stutter slightly. I then pull my credit card out of my back pocket, ordering me a salad before I quickly pay for it. I then grab one that was already in the plastic container before I head to one of the tables in the corner of the cafe, sitting down at it. As I go to open it though, I see Finn pull out a chair and sit in front of me. "What are you doing?" I question him.
"I'm sitting here with you. What does it look like?" he replies slowly.
"Yes but you've already taken your lunch break-"
"And?" he quickly interrupts me.
I stare at him, my eyes wide and my lips parted slightly in astonishment. I thought I'd never see the day that Finn would break a rule at work. I let out a breathy laugh as I stick my fork into my salad. "I know I haven't properly talked to you in awhile but what happened to that sweet and innocent Finn I knew? The guy that would never dare fool around or break a rule at work" I ask him.
I see him run his tongue along the inside of his cheek as he quickly glances down at the table. "Number one, I've never been innocent Leah" he begins, his words making me raise my eyebrows at him. "Number two, nobody will know if you don't make a big deal out of it" he shrugs his shoulders.
"You get into a serious relationship and suddenly don't know how to act" I mumble as I take a large bite out of my salad.
"You were the same way. Don't even act like you weren't" he bites back, making me let out a small laugh as I hold my hands up in defense. I can't even try to act like I wasn't when I definitely was. Harry completely changed me.
I then see Sage quickly run up to our table as she leans her hands on it. "Finn it is not your lunch break so I have no idea why you're over here with Leah but I'm not going to ask any questions" she sighs as she shakes her head side to side. "I wanted to tell the both of you that Zoe called me and said she wanted to go to the club tonight. Meaning Leah you're coming and Finn you can bring your girl of course" she rushes her words.
"Sage you can't make me-"
"Of course I'll come Sage. Elle and I have been wanting to go out and do something recently anyways. Just text me the details after work and we'll be there" Finn interrupts me as he sends Sage a small smile.
When Sage realizes what he did, the corners of her lips curve up into a wide grin as she winks at him. "Great! I will. Leah I won't even need to text you because I'll harass you about it when we get back to my place" she says.
"Then I won't go back to yours" I blurt out.
"You kind of have to. I was your ride here" she whispers tauntingly. "Plus, it'll be a good distraction and a time for you to let loose which is probably exactly what you need so you're coming" she adds sternly. She then begins to slowly back away, blowing me a kiss as she giggles to herself.
I let out a dry laugh as I sit back in my chair, shaking my head side to side. "Stop scowling Leah. You're gonna get forehead wrinkles with how furrowed your eyebrows are right now" I hear Finn speak up again. All I do is glance up at him, sending him a forced and sarcastic smile as I stick my middle finger up at him. A low chuckle escapes his lips as he runs his fingers through his ginger hair. "See you tonight Rivers" he murmurs as he gets up out of his chair.
Wow what friends I have.
I know they have the best intentions but I really don't have the energy to be in a club. I just don't think it's the best idea in general. There's three things that could happen. Number one would be I drink and with all the anger I'm holding inside towards Harry, I'll blow up and get into a fight. I wouldn't be surprised if that one happened. Number two, I get absolutely wasted and become a complete mess. And third, I could just not be in the mood at all and mope around, destroying everyone else's fun time.
I don't really want to do any of those even though I know one of them will end up happening. I know the people there would really not enjoy me getting into a fight and causing chaos. I would definitely not enjoy me getting wasted, then sick and being an absolute disaster. I wouldn't enjoy the third option either.
But maybe, just maybe, this is what I need. A distraction is what I need. Something to help numb the pain that I'm feeling, at least for awhile. Maybe this can be the temorary antidote considering I can't have the permanent one because he's all the way in Engalnd. I need to do this for myself. I need to forgot.
Temporary antidote it is.
* * * *
Doesn't really seem like the best idea but maybe that's just me...
One of those three things Leah says is going to happen, the question is, which one?
I know this chapter took a bit for me to write, I was really busy and struggling with writers block. Hopefully from now on, the updates will be frequent!
I hope you enjoyed this chapter lovelies!
Taylor x