September, 1989
It had been about a week since me and Ti had slept together, and I hadn't spoken to her or seen her since. I had thought about calling her or going over to her house everyday, but I knew if she hadn't tried to call me or speak to me since then, that her and Eric were probably back together which really fuckin' stung to think about. I can't believe she just used me like that. I honestly wasn't even angry, I was just so fuckin' hurt and confused. So far in my experience, I've only slept with people I'm dating, so I guess I just sorta assumed that maybe she felt the same way for me when she initiated everything? But I guess not. I guess she actually still doesn't even know how I feel about her.
Or maybe she does and she just doesn't care? But I don't think Ti would have just blown me off like that if she knew. Maybe she really just thought it was just a completely physical thing, maybe she was just trying to even the playing field with Eric? But if that was the case I don't want any part in it. I can't just sleep with someone and leave it. There has to be feelings there, and there was on my part at least. Like I said, I guess I just thought she would have felt the same way if she chose to sleep with me. I guess I thought wrong.
I had just gotten off work about half an hour ago, so I was currently riding the bus while I waited for the stop that was pretty close to my house. It was actually the same stop that Ti uses, so I had been fully expecting to bump into her one of these days, but nothing yet.
My stop finally came and I grabbed my backpack and started making my way off the bus. There was barely anybody on here, so it ended up just being only me that got off. I walked down the stairs, thanked the bus driver, and made a right so I could start walking back towards my house.
As my legs made the right turn, I immediately noticed a girl looking about Tiyana's height with the same hair colour and length walking about 50 yards ahead of me in the same direction. "TI!" I yelled and started jogging to catch up with her but she didn't turn around. "YO! TI!" I yelled again and kept jogging. This time she turned around and I swear it was like it was in slow motion. She stopped walking, and whipped her head around to the left, causing her hair to fly all the way to her right shoulder. I saw my favourite smile start to paint across her face as she started taking off her headset that I assume must have been connected to her portable cassette player.
"Hey! I'm sorry, I had my headphones on." She said as she gathered the headset cord in her hand and I was finally just about to reach her.
"You just come from work or what?" I asked a little out of breath as we both started walking again.
She giggled. "Marshall it's 5pm, the club doesn't even open until 8pm."
"Shit, right. Where ya comin' from then?"
She groaned. "The bank. Eric got my credit card all fucked up somehow, so I had to go in and talk to them." I didn't say anything, I just nodded. He was the last person I wanted to talk about right now. "So how are you though?" She asked, clearly trying to relieve the awkwardness.
I shrugged. "Honestly Ti, I'm real fuckin' hurt."
"Why?" She looked at me with sad eyes. I frowned back at her and she looked away and sighed. "I'm sorry." Her voice was quiet.
"Why would you do that? Did I do somethin' wrong?"
"Oh my god Marshall, no! No! You were- fuck... You were amazing." She said as she looked at me and tucked her hair behind her ear.
"Then what the fuck, Ti?"
"I'm sorry! I just, I woke up the next morning and actually I stayed in bed with you for like another hour or so, but the more I looked at you, the more guilty I felt about cheating on Eric."
"Ti, you weren't cheating on him. He got somebody else pregnant, you ain't do anything wrong."
"Two wrongs don't make a right, Marshall."
"But it wasn't wrong!" I yelled frustrated.
"Yes it was!" She yelled back at me. I just shook my head as an awkward period of silence fell upon us.
"So are you back together now?" I asked a few moments later.
She nodded and it felt like she had just stabbed a knife through my stomach. "We were never broken up."
"What was I then?"
"Marshall..." She said gently.
I stopped dead in my tracks and she turned towards me. "No Ti! What was I? A hook up? Do you have feelings for me? What the fuck is goin' on in your brain? Please tell me."
"Marshall you're not just a hook up! I- I don't know what you were, or are. I know you're one of my best friends, and you're always there for me and- I don't know I was in a really emotional place and you were saying all these sweet things to me that I just, it just felt right at the time."
"But not anymore?"
"No that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying we shouldn't have done it. I'm feeling guilty as fuck, and you're feeling hurt. I hurt you Marshall, and that's something I never in a million years wanted to do, and I wouldn't of if we just hadn't done it."
"So you regret it?"
"I don't regret it! And that's the fucked up part. I'm having all these conflicting feelings and I don't know what the fuck to do Marshall. I love Eric so fuckin' much, but I don't regret that night at all. I wish we wouldn't have done it so that everything would just be normal and easy again. I mean fuck, it's not a coincidence that I haven't seen you or spoken to you since then. I couldn't face you."
"Do you have feelings for me?"
She shook her head. "No." She whispered. I nodded and just started walking again, leaving her a few steps behind me. "Marshall!" She yelled and quickly caught up to me. She grabbed my hand in an attempt to stop me from walking and I complied, but I didn't turn to her. I just stared straight ahead. "Do you?" She asked quietly.
I paused and turned to her as I debated telling her in my head. "No, Ti."
"Then why are you so angry with me?" She asked sadly as I could feel her playing with my fingers.
"I'm not mad at you, Ti. I'm confused."
"What are you confused about?"
"Well what the fuck was it then?"
"Does it matter what it was? If neither of us have feelings then let's just leave it. There's no point in reading into something that's not there."
"Fine, whatever, but you're just gonna stay with him after that?!"
"After what?"
My eyes went wide and I grabbed her by the shoulders. "Ti! He got someone PREGNANT! What the fuck do ya not understand?! Why the fuck are ya letting yourself be treated like that?!"
"I'm not Marshall! We talked about it and I told him if he cheats on me again it's done!"
"IT SHOULD BE DONE AFTER THE FIRST TIME!" I yelled at her and I saw tears start to form in her tear ducts. "STOP GIVING HIM CHANCES!" I yelled again despite her tears.
"Marshall you don't understand." She choked out.
"What Ti?! What do I not understand?!"
"I LOVE HIM!"
"HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" I yelled and released her shoulders. "Ti I know you're delusional but come on, you're not that fuckin' brain dead."
She quickly wiped at her tears with the backs of her hands. "Fuck you." She squeaked out and started speed walking down the side walk. I immediately started trying to catch up to her again.
"Ti!" I yelled from behind her. "Ti I'm sorry!" I yelled again. "Fuck stop walkin' so fuckin' fast!" I yelled once more as I grabbed her shoulder causing her to turn around. "I'm sorry, okay? I just- it just kills me watching you be treated that way."
"Listen to me Marshall. I'm not fucking delusional. You think I don't realize how fucked up this situation is? Of course I fucking do! But at the end of the day we both love each other way fucking more than you could EVER understand, so don't you dare try to sit there and think you know anything about my relationship! You ain't know fuck all so don't act like you do. And honestly, if you and Kim had even fucking half of the love that me and Eric have for each other, maybe you wouldn't break up every fucking day."
I nodded since I really just wanted this fight to be over. I hated fighting with her so much. "You're right, I'm sorry. I was way outta line and I apologize. I just care 'bout you and love you so fuckin' much but ya right, it's your relationship, not mine, and if this is something you can look past and still wanna be with him then I ain't got no right tellin' you different."
"Exactly. Glad you got that through your thick fuckin' skull." She said I'm sure as rudely as possible, but I couldn't help but cracking a slight smile since I always find it so hard to take her seriously when she gets mad. "Don't fuckin' laugh at me!" She slapped my shoulder with the same little smile that I had.
"I'm sorry! You're just so not intimidating." I laughed.
She rolled her eyes. "So we good then?"
"Yeah, of course we good." I said as I wrapped one arm around her neck and her two tiny arms went around my waist. "It was my fuck up."
"I love you, Marshall. I'm sorry I got so angry." She mumbled against my chest.
I smiled gently and kissed her head. "I deserved it. And I love you too." She started pulling away from me, but kept her arm secure around my back, while I kept mine slung around her neck as we started walking again until we reached my house. We both said bye and then she continued on to her house.
October, 1989
It was a little past 8pm, and I had just started walking towards Marshall and Denaun's place. Since DeShaun and Marshall have birthdays so close to each other, they decided to have a party together. They had gotten really close to each other over this last year, so it was no surprise to me that they wanted to celebrate together at all.
Eric had to work tonight so he couldn't come along which was disappointing to me but I knew the boys would all appreciate it. It made me really sad that they didn't like him because those boys were like my family, and Eric was my boyfriend. I wanted them to all like each other and be friends so badly, but I knew that would never happen. I just wished they saw the person that I did and could look past our stupid fights like I do.
The closer and closer I got, the more I could hear the music blaring. I finally reached the house and I saw a bunch of random people standing outside just smoking and hanging out. I smiled at them as they watched me walk by and made my way inside the house.
I swung the door open and immediately saw DeShaun's smiling face talking to some random girl. His head snapped towards me and he yelled, "Ti!" I laughed and stepped inside.
"Happy birthday!" I yelled over the music as I walked over to him and he threw his arm around my neck.
"This my sister Ti." He said with a big smile introducing me to the random girl.
"Hi, I'm Sharonda." She smiled sweetly at me.
"Nice to meet you." I said as I returned the warm smile. "How do you two know each other?" I motioned between them.
"We just met tonight." DeShaun said. "She came with one of Denaun's friends." He said again and Sharonda nodded.
"I was worried I wasn't gonna have fun since I didn't know anyone here, but DeShaun just came right up to me and introduced himself." Sharonda giggled.
I laughed. "'Course you did." I said to DeShaun as I started looking around the house. "Where's Marshall?" I asked bringing my attention back to DeShaun and Sharonda.
"Ah, last I checked him and Kim were in his room." DeShaun said.
I scrunched my eyebrows together. "What? Kim's here?"
DeShaun nodded. "Yeah, they got back together a few weeks ago I think."
"Oh." I said kinda surprised. "Ya said they're in his room?" My voice changed from surprised too confused and DeShaun nodded. "Are they...?"
"Oh yeah, one hundred percent." He laughed.
My face visibly turned sour and I decided I definitely didn't wanna continue this conversation. "Ya'll want anything to drink?" I asked as I pulled away from DeShaun.
"Nah, I'm aight. Thanks though." DeShaun said.
"Sharonda?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "I'm fine, thank you." She smiled at me and I smiled back. I turned to make my way over to the kitchen and I saw a box of beers sitting on the counter that were definitely Marshall's considering it was his favourite brand, so I figured I'd just take one of those.
As I had my whole forearm inserted into the box, someone came up behind me whispered into my ear in a stern voice. "Stop stealin' my fuckin' beers." I instantly screamed and my whole body jumped. I heard Marshall's laugh come from behind me and I immediately turned around and smacked him on the shoulder.
"Stop fuckin' doin' that me!" I said laughing.
"I'm sorry! Ya way too easy." He said still laughing.
I rolled my eyes and cracked my beer. I looked up at him and this time I was actually able to register what was in front of me. I noticed instantly his hair was all messed up under his hat that he was obviously using to hide it, and his skin looked red almost like he just went for a run. I felt a little pang of something hit me. I'm not sure what it was, but it was uncomfortable. "Happy birthday ya dick." I said as I took a sip of my beer.
He smiled. "Thanks."
"So what's goin' on here." I said as I circled my pointer finger at his face.
He laughed. "What'dya mean?"
I cocked an eyebrow up at him. "You're so fuckin' gross." I said jokingly.
"What! It's my birthday!" He gave a lopsided smile.
"Uh huh." I said uninterested as I took another sip of my beer. "DeShaun told me ya'll are back together now?"
"Yeah, she came over a little while ago and we talked it out." He said as he reached past me to grab a beer for himself.
I gave him a side smile. "Aw, that's good. I'm glad ya'll were able to communicate for once."
He let out a breathy laugh. "That feels like a diss."
I nodded. "It was." I joked.
"Aight, talk to me when Eric stops gettin' other bitches pregnant."
I tucked my chin in. "Fuck you Marshall, that was actually really hurtful."
"Yo, I'm just jokin'. Chill."
"That's not funny." I said quietly.
"Baby, can you get me one of those?" Kim said as she came up beside Marshall and put her arm around his back.
"Yeah, here just take mine." He said as he handed her his beer. He reached past me once more to grab himself another and Kim shot me a clearly passive aggressive smile. I just squinted my eyes at her and shook my head like I didn't understand what the fuck her problem was, which I didn't.
"Thanks baby." She said again and reached her hand up to Marshall's face. She pulled him down to her height and they kissed. I quickly averted my eyes but they just kept kissing. I swear at one point I even saw tongue being exchanged out of my peripheral vision.
"Ya'll are fuckin' gross." I mumbled as I slid past them. I was so annoyed and honestly just grossed out that I just needed to be alone for a second or two. I went out the backdoor and parked myself against the side of the house. I whipped out my box of cigarettes and lit one up. I was switching between drinking my beer and smoking my cigarette when I saw Sharonda walk outside.
"Hey!" She said and smiled at me as she walked down the stairs and leaned against the house with me. "You just come out here to smoke?" She asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. It's really crowded in there so I just needed some air."
She nodded back as she pulled out her own box of cigarettes. "I know, I can't believe how many people are there." She said lighting her own cigarette.
"I know, it's insane. They got a lotta friends between the two of 'em."
She let out a breathy laugh. "No doubt. So who's the other kid that has the same birthday as DeShaun?"
"Oh, that's Marshall. They don't have the same birthday, but they're both in October which is why they threw a party together."
"The one white boy in there walkin' 'round?"
I nodded. "Yeah. With the one white bitch."
"Bitch? Oh? You ain't like her?" She asked surprised.
I shrugged. "I don't know, I don't really have an opinion on her, but she definitely has one on me."
"Ohh, so she ain't like you." She said with realization riddled throughout her voice.
"Guess so. I ain't never done anything to her though, so I don't know what her problem is."
"Probably thinks you're tryna steal her man."
"Probably 'cause she knows I could." I said jokingly and we both bursted out laughing. "No, I'm just playin'. I got a boyfriend so she ain't got nothin' to worry 'bout."
"Whatever, fuck her then."
"Yeah, she's just a bitch."
"So, y'know, you and DeShaun ain't look nothin' like each other. Are ya'll half siblings or somethin'?"
I smiled. "No, we're not actually related we just grew up together."
"Oh okay that makes so much more sense now."
I giggled. "Yeah, our moms are best friends."
She nodded. "I gotchu, I gotchu. DeShaun's really funny, I really like him."
I smiled at her again. "Yeah, he's fuckin' goofy but he's got a huge ass heart."
"I know, I can really sense that 'bout him. He seems so nice."
I nodded. "He is. You should give him your number if ya interested."
She smiled and looked away from me like she was embarrassed. "I kinda already did."
I laughed. "Good! He needs a girl around that ain't just me and his mom."
"Do you think he'll call me?" She asked nervously.
"Girl I will make him call you, don't you even worry."
She laughed. "Well don't do that! I only want him to call if he's interested, y'know?"
"Oh he's interested."
She smiled. "You think?"
I nodded. "Absolutely. The way he was smilin' at you and shit, he definitely likes you."
"Oh shut up, you're makin' me all excited." She giggled.
I laughed. "It's true! Swear on my life."
She smiled again. "You're so sweet, thank you."
I smiled back at her. "'Course."
We both went back inside shortly after and started pounding back drinks together. I'm not generally a big drinker, I'll usually just drink one or two and then call it quits, but for whatever reason I just had the urge to get drunk tonight. Me and Sharonda were essentially attached at the hip the entire night and it honestly just felt so good to actually hang out with a girl for once. I used to have a lot of girl friends when I was in high school, but we all just sorta lost touch when I dropped out, so since then I had only really been hanging out with the boys. So, needless to say, I was very appreciative of mine and Sharonda's new friendship.
I had basically ignored Marshall the entire night until he noticed me start to get visibly sloppy which I'm sure surprised him since he had never really seen me get drunk before, and I was falling over the place.
"Yo, you aight?" Marshall asked as he walked over to me while I was talking to a group of random people I had never seen before and Sharonda.
I flipped around on my heel quickly to face him. "Did the surgery go well?" I slurred, looking him right in the eyes with a cold stare.
He scrunched his eyebrows at me. "What?"
"Y'know. The surgery to get ya'lls nasty lips detached from one another."
He rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. You're so funny." I shot him a smart-ass smile. "Can I walk ya home?"
I tucked my chin in. "No? I ain't leavin' yet."
"Yeah but Ti I think ya should."
"Fuck you Marshall, I'll leave when I'm ready."
"TI, I just-"
"Is it Kim? Hm?"
"What?"
"Is it Kim who wants me to leave? 'Cause you can tell her to shove it up her fuckin' ass-"
"Jesus fuck Ti, Kim's gone! She left like half an hour ago, chill out. Can I take ya home please? I ain't want ya to make an ass outta yourself."
I huffed out a breath and shoved my way past him. I stomped all the way to the door and started putting on my jacket and my shoes.
"Ti ya can't go alone, it's late. Lemme come with you." Marshall said as he started searching for his shoes.
I quickly scanned the room and saw Rufus was the closest to us. "RUFUS!" I yelled over the loud music.
"Yeah?" He looked at me.
"Can ya walk me home please?"
He nodded and started walking over to us. I quickly shoved my hand into my jacket pocket and pulled out the new Beastie Boys cassette with a little note that I had written tucked inside of it. I pushed it into Marshall's chest. "Happy birthday, I know you've been wanting it" I said in the most hostile voice I could muster up. I turned around, swung the door open, and stormed outside. I didn't even wait for Rufus, I just started walking and figured he would catch up eventually which he did.
The whole walk home Rufus kept trying to ask me about what I was mad about, and why I just freaked out at Marshall liked that and honestly, I didn't really know other than the fact that I thought it was rude he was trying to make me leave. He's such a dick sometimes.
We finally got back to my house about ten minutes later. I thanked Rufus for walking me home and then made my way inside to find a passed out Eric which I was kinda thankful for. I was far too drunk to get into any sort of fight with him tonight, so I just slid into my side of the bed, kissed him on the cheek, and fell asleep rather quickly thanks to the alcohol.
. . .
I woke up feeling like absolute hell on earth the next afternoon. As soon as my eyes fluttered open I immediately needed water and an Advil, but instead I laid in bed groaning like a child until I could muster up the courage to go and get myself some.
"Shut the fuck up." Eric mumbled from beside me.
"Fuck you, I'm hungover." I said back as I started to get out of bed. I threw on an old hoodie and my slippers since it was super cold in the house for some reason, and made my way out to the kitchen.
I searched through the cabinets for some Advil until I eventually found it. Damn. It's expired. I shrugged and took two out of the bottle anyway, it's still gotta do something. I got myself a glass from the top shelf and went to go turn the faucet on, but there was nothing. I knitted my eyebrows together and turned it off, and then turned it back on again, but still nothing. What the fuck? I tried a few more times and not even a single drop came out of it.
I groaned and rolled my eyes as I started walking back over to our bedroom. "Eric." I said from the doorway but he didn't respond. "Eric!" I said again a bit more demanding.
"Fuck! What bitch?! What the fuck do you want?!" He yelled at me.
"Did you forget to pay the heating and the water bills again?"
He paused for a moment. "Oh fuck, yeah I did."
I rolled my eyes. "Can you fix it today please?"
"'Course I'm gonna fuckin' fix it, what a stupid fuckin' question."
"Thank you." I said as I turned and started walking back to the kitchen.
"Fuckin' bitch." I heard him mutter but I just kept walking. I decided to just wash down my expired Advil with some orange juice and then I wondered what I was gonna do about a shower. I decided I'd just go over to my moms since she was working today, so I wouldn't be questioned on why I couldn't shower at home. I packed up all my things I needed for my shower and told Eric I'd be back from my moms in about an hour.
I hopped in my car and started driving the short distance. I could have walked, but it was kind of cold out today and honestly I don't get to use my car that often so it was nice being able to for once. On the drive over I started thinking about last night, how I left, when I left, and I immediately remembered how awful I was being to Marshall. I felt my stomach start to turn and I was absolutely horrified at how I treated him.
As soon as I got to my moms, I unlocked the door, dropped my stuff on the kitchen counter and speed walked to the phone. I dialled Marshall and Denaun's home phone as fast as I could and waited for someone to answer.
"Hello?" Denaun's deep voice boomed through the phone.
"Hey! It's Ti, is Marshall there?"
"Yeah, one sec." He said to me. "Yo Marshall! It's Ti!" He yelled away from the phone.
A few moments later I heard Marshall's voice come through. "Yo."
"Marshall! Hey!" I said with a big smile.
"What's up?"
"I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for how I acted yesterday night. I don't know what my problem was, and I definitely got way too drunk. I'm really sorry for being so mean to you."
"Yeah what the fuck Ti? You never act like that."
"I don't know, Kim was just pissing me off the whole night, and then you telling me I should go home just pissed me off even more. I don't know how to explain it to you but I'm really sorry and you were 100% in the right telling me to leave. I haven't gotten drunk like that in a long time."
"Kim? Why was Kim pissing ya off? What'd she say?"
"She didn't say anything, it was more indirect like giving me dirty looks and stuff. I don't know, I just don't think she likes me very much."
He laughed. "Nah, it's not you, she just doesn't like any girl very much. Even Rufus' sisters she ain't like me talkin' too, so don't take it to heart."
I nodded. "Mm, so she's possessive, hey?"
"Yeah a little, but she ain't all crazy like Eric."
"Marshall." I said sternly.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I ain't mean it."
"Thank you."
"Oh before I forget, thank you so fuckin' much for that Beastie Boys cassette, I fuckin' love it."
I giggled. "Yeah? Ya listened to it? Is it any good?"
"Is it any good?! How dare you question the Beastie Boys like that." He joked.
I laughed again. "You're right, you're right, who do I think I am?"
He laughed too. "Exactly."
A short period of silence fell upon us until I broke it. "Uhm, okay, well I gotta go get in the shower so I'll talk to you later, maybe?"
"Yeah, sounds good. Have a good day, Ti."
"Thanks! You too." I said with a smile and then hung up the phone. I took my shower and then went back to my house about an hour later to find Eric making us breakfast as an apology for forgetting to pay the bills this month. I instantly felt guilty for getting so mad about it this morning, so I also apologized. We spent the rest of the day just hanging out until we both had to go into work at around 8pm. We kissed each other goodbye, and then we were off.