Other than a stiff neck, I slept fine last night.
Charlie must've woken at some point during the night because when I woke up this morning, my hearing aid was put safely on a bedside table and I was under the cover with a pillow beneath my head. We weren't cuddling anymore by then, but I rolled up against him and quickly changed that. Our walk to school was slow and clumsy, and I felt gross putting back on my used uniform.
I begged Charlie to tell someone what happened. Even me. He only grumbled replies, then starting picking up sticks to fling at people's fences.
Tom let us know during Home Room that the gym hall would be off limits while they brought in some industrial shelves this week. It'd be dangerous and we weren't to go inside. Anyone who had indoor PE activities scheduled would be doing it out on the fields instead. Besides that, he let us chat amongst ourselves until the bell rang for our first classes.
Our Home Room class was in the art facility, so we sat on long benches that fit three people. Trey and Ikeisha sat with me near the back while Charlie and his friends sat at the front. They were noisy and bantered back and forth with Uncle, but he seemed to be enjoying their energy and conversation. It was like Charlie had miraculously returned back to his normal self.
The person he was before we grew close. A knot formed in my belly at the thought of him no longer knowing or acknowledging me. Somehow it seemed like I liked him a lot more than he liked me. He'd turned far gentler and more serious since we'd grown closer. Always taking care of me, always fussing over me. What if that was no longer going to be the case?
It was something I desperately wanted to talk to Trey and Keish about; to get this off my chest. But I hadn't told them about me yet. And how would she even respond? It's not like I've been holding this secret for very long so she wouldn't get mad about that part. But maybe she'd be angry because she trusted me with her secret, and I betrayed her. But could I help it that Charlie's gay? That I'm a guy?
That I like him too?
Since I sat in the middle of Trey and Keish, I shuffled around in my chair to face her and watched as she stared at me with curiosity. She looked extra pretty today. Her skin was especially glowing and clear, and she put on gold jewelry that she always told teachers are cultural despite the fact they were from two-dollar chain stores. She was even wearing a freebie necklace I won online.
The thought made me chuckle a bit. When she raised her brow, the reality hit me again. I had to tell her the truth. It was better to talk to her first before telling Trey and the guys because it was something that she might genuinely respond badly to. Our friendship wasn't something I could just play around with lightly.
She meant the world to me.
I signed, "I have to tell you something."
She nodded. "Sup?" she asked.
"Secret. I like someone."
Her eyes widened while an excited smile spread across her face. She leaned past me and looked straight at Trey, but even as I quickly looked back, his head was buried in his arms and he was staring directly at the three in front of us. From where I sat, I could see him glaring at somebody sitting ahead of us.
I followed his gaze and of course, it was none other than Ben Brown. Hopefully Trey would find some resolve around whatever this situation was. It seemed stressful. I turned back to Ikeisha and crossed my arms repeatedly in the air. I repeated, "Secret. Talk privately at break."
"No, now!" she signed back with heavy, exaggerated movements. She looked so excited.
She was so excited for me; I didn't want to tell her the truth. How could I? I wasn't often she got feelings for people, but when she did, it was usually genuine. Although she would always keep them to herself and never once pursued a relationship. She was far too independent and invested in me and our friend group to bother with outsiders. That's what made this so much harder.
"It's... hard to say," I signed. "You're my best friend. Talk at lunch properly."
Her face fell just the slightest bit. She seemed contemplative; thoughtful. "Shy because of a boy, right?" she signed. "Why else?"
I stared at her, dumbfounded. She guessed it right without a moment's thought. This wasn't the time to be having this conversation. Why couldn't she just leave it alone until break when I could gather my thoughts and approach this properly? I shouldn't have brought it up already. What was I thinking?
"You think I'd judge?" She looked genuinely hurt. "You are my best friend."
"It's more than that," I answered. "Let me explain at break-"
Since Tom can sign, I think he was listening in on our conversation because he came over and stood in front of our desk. "Miss Hansen, Mr. Keats. Would you like to take this conversation outside?"
He made it seem like we were being sent out, but I think he was being nice by letting us talk this out properly. I gave him a shadow of a smile and scooted off the chair while Ikeisha followed me out. Trey ignored everything going on around him, watching only Ben screwing around. We walked past Charlie, but he didn't bat a lid towards me.
He, Liam, and Ben were taking turns smacking each other's heads with pencils using their mouths. Liam seemed to be on the winning streak since he made Charlie and Ben flinch whenever it was their turn.
Ikeisha led me to the courtyard outside and we found a spot in the undercover area. It was so hot out here that I missed the aircon already, but this was my chance to talk one on one. Ikeisha folded her legs and pulled her skirt down to make sure she was properly covered in case of any passerby's.
"So," she asked. "What is it? About a guy right? You know that I'm not going to judge you for something like that. Neither will Trey or Manu or Rangi."
"It's not that..." I answered, finding solace in the buttons of my shirt while I fidgeted relentlessly with them. "It's someone in particular. I like him so much that it almost hurts. Especially when he doesn't pay me attention, like now."
"Whoever doesn't pay you attention is an idiot," she said. "You're the sweetest and handsomest guy in the world and you deserve the same."
I swallowed hard. How was I supposed to respond to that? The person in question was her actual crush. Would she still think that about me afterwards? Even if Charlie got sick of me, Keish is someone who'd always stay by my side. That wouldn't change if I told her the truth... right? My heart started to work itself into overdrive, and I felt my mouth go dry.
I licked my lips but it only made them feel dryer.
"It's umm... Someone..." I tried to come up with a coherent string of words and came out with nothing. I looked at her helplessly. "Keish..."
She furrowed her brows with confusion as she obviously tried to put things together in her head. Then her eyes widened with what I automatically knew would be her correct first guess.
"It's someone you're scared to tell me about, right? It can only either be my brother... who I seriously doubt because he's basically yours too," she started, to which I emphatically nodded my agreement, "or it's Charlie, the guy I told you I think is pretty cute at the mo."
Huh? Why is she acting so nonchalant about it? Isn't she upset? Hurt? Offended? I looked down at my hands, still fidgeting with the buttons of my shirt. Her fingers gently grasped my chin and made me look at her. Her eyes were intense as she stared directly into mine, making sure I paid deep and close attention.
"Aubrey Kinnon Keats," she said, enunciating my full name in the way that made me squirm. She was the only person who ever used it when she really wanted to get a message across; not even my parents used it since they slapped it on my birth certificate. "Do I look like someone you'd have to compete with over a guy? Charlie is the cutest, easy. But even if I did have a serious crush on him, my inner ally is gonna cheer him on with you instead. No questions asked."
I was too stunned to answer. Instead, I stared at her like I was gob smacked. "Does he know how you feel?" she asked.
"I haven't said it directly but... we have a sort of thing. I think."
"A thing?" She quirked her brow, grinning cheekily. "Have you, y'know?"
She followed her question with smooching sounds. I pretended to smack her arm and she burst into laughter. Seems like she really is fine with it and I worried for nothing. "We've... kissed. And hugged. And stayed at each other's places."
She squealed. "Wait, so how did this even develop? Was this after he outed your secret to the school?"
"Accidentally," I emphasized, pausing momentarily while the sound of the bell for first period blared around us. "He didn't mean it for even a moment. And yeah, we've kind of gotten tangled up a lot since then. But I'll give a proper rundown of things when I tell Trey and the others."
She nodded, not taking a single moment to question my decision. My whole group would always have my back, no matter what I came out with. Or came out as. Instead, she thanked me for being honest, gave me the world's biggest hug and walked with me back inside. Almost everyone had already left, and there was a yellow sticky note placed on my bag with messy writing sprawled across.
Meet me in closet at big break x
Ikeisha hadn't noticed it yet so I crumpled it and placed it in my pocket, wondering what Charlie wanted. Maybe just so we could spend time making out in there like we'd done twice already. Or maybe to talk about this recent event. It wouldn't be something like asking me to pretend nothing happened between us, right? Or to pretend nothing happened in the bathroom yesterday.
Because that wasn't going to happen. I'd have to talk to the Dean before then because if his mum wasn't going to help him, and if he wasn't going to help himself, then I'd have to be the one to do it. And I'd do it before second break so I could be there to tell him.
No matter what.
The Dean saw me as soon as I requested. She sat down and listened to what I had to say, which was just a repeat of what I'd said to his mum. She sounded shocked, appalled, and empathetic with every part of her being. If Charlie spoke the truth yesterday, this is still how she would have reacted. Did he think he'd get in trouble? Since he didn't talk to me about it, I couldn't tell what went through his mind. But this was so much easier than I bet he thought.
But then she leaned forward with her hands folded together. "I'll be honest with you, Aubrey. I knew about this already," she said.
"You did?" I asked, taken by surprise. "Then what's with the reaction like you didn't know anything already?"
"It's one thing to hear it from a parent," she said, smiling grimly, "but it's another thing entirely to hear it from a child in front of you."
"Child," I repeated, grumbling at having been called one when I'm sixteen. "A parent, though?"
She nodded. "She'd called yesterday, as soon as she was done talking with you. I'd never heard a parent so distraught on the same day I ring about any behavioral issues. That moment will stay with me for the rest of my career."
"...Oh," I answered, not knowing what to say. I ended up just thinking out loud. "She didn't even bat an eyelid in front of me. Or even come up to see Charlie after. I guess I'm a little...surprised."
Mrs. Adamson nodded with understanding. "Sometimes people's behavior won't always make sense to us. People might contradict themselves, behaving one way and then another. But think of it like this: Sometimes we don't know how to immediately respond to situations, or the right courses of action to take.
"Some people might be reactive, behaving the first way they feel. Others need time for things to sink in and process before they know what to do with themselves. For Charlie's mother, I believe it was the latter. This can be true for particularly traumatic situations, especially when it comes to your own child."
I nodded. So then she wasn't actually cold towards him in this case? I hoped so more than anything. Mrs. Anderson kept talking.
"We're taking two courses of action," she said. "One is that the police have been notified and an investigation will be underway immediately. The safety of our students at this school is absolutely paramount."
Charlie's safety was more important to me than anything, so I nodded with enthusiastic agreement.
"The other is a meeting with all relevant parties. The school nurse who treated Jesse's injury, the counsellor, any teachers who might notice any patterns of behavior; and of course, Principal Atkinson himself. What we will need, however, is a direct statement from Charlie."
The air turned grim for a moment because we both seemed to have a fair idea about Charlie's way of dealing with things; open communication wasn't one of them. There was nothing I could do if he didn't speak up.
"Thanks, Mrs. Anderson."
She nodded and walked me out.
Charlie acknowledged and briefly smiled at me all of two times in between my meeting with the Dean and second break. The gym hall was out of bounds to us for the day because of the industrial stuff going on, but it wasn't locked so I had no trouble getting in. I'd told Ikeisha to go on without me and that I'd be meeting Charlie since he asked, but now I was getting nervous.
Why would he ask to meet somewhere we'd get in way more trouble for if caught? And as I looked at the massive steel shelves and machines parked around the place, I wondered if he knew how dangerous it might be. Still, I went there because he asked. Because at this point, I'd just about do anything for him. Even come out to my friends just so I could pursue him with a clear conscience. And be there for him without anything unnecessary weighing on my mind.
I went inside the closet and pulled the door closed behind me. Minutes later, the door opened, and he came inside. I broke into a smile, already excited to see him again. "Charlie, I-"
My smile faltered.
It wasn't Charlie in front of me, but Jesse Atkinson. Still, I wasn't going to worry myself too much. I could handle him by myself until Charlie got here, then we could deal with this together. The door opened again, and my eyes darted over to it immediately, expecting to see him finally enter. Instead, it was none other than Donovan Hughes.
"Interesting, interesting," he said. I didn't understand what was going on. I looked at Jesse again, who wore a perverse grin.
"What's going on?" I asked. "Why are you here? Where's Charlie?"
Jesse scoffed.
"You think he's comin'? He hasn't paid attention to you almost all day. From what I seen so far, he hasn't even spared you a glance. Either this was always one sided for you, or he decided to listen to me after all."
He took a step towards me, so I took a step back.
"That's bullshit and you know it," I answered.
"Is it?" He grinned. "If you say so. But I promise he ain't comin'."
"If he's not coming then I'm leaving," I said and attempted to barge past him, but he shoved me so that I hit the wall. "What the hell are you doing?"
"I know you talked to the Dean about me just before. I was only gonna pull a silly prank till I saw that. Now I kind of feel hurt and betrayed. I don't really like feelin' this way, y'know?"
I shook my head profusely. "Shut up. It's not my problem."
Before I knew it, he snatched my hearing aid and yanked it out of my ear. "Give it back!" I tried to yell but couldn't hear my own voice.
I stopped hearing them. Nothing but watery sounds like I'd sunken to the bottom of an ocean and had no way to resurface. The way I was holding my breath, I may as well have been drowning.
Jesse backhanded me in the gut so I stumbled forward towards the floor. Where was Charlie? Where was anybody? Jesse used his foot to push my shoulder and roll me over to face him. He was speaking, but I couldn't hear him. That's when I noticed my hearing aid had come out.
It was in front of me.
I reached out for it at the same time, but my hand swiped past it. Jesse and Donovan both laughed as I missed it, while Jesse threw it up and down in the ear like a hackysack.
It was humiliating, and I turned away with my eyes clenched shut. No one laid their hands on me for some moments, so I opened an eye and glanced around the floor in front of me. There were no feet. They'd gone ahead and left me in here alone. Without my hearing aid. I ran to the door and rattled the knob, only to be met with a cruel reality.
I grabbed my phone from my pocket and sent a text to Trey for help. My heart hammered when my phone vibrated with an immediate response; that my text couldn't be sent. When I checked the signal, the bars alternated between one and zero. There was no way for me to call for help.
Charlie didn't write that note after all, right? He wouldn't be coming.
It was dark in here. And quiet. And I just wanted somebody to find me. I curled into a ball against the back wall, wishing I could sink and disappear into it forever. What started off as palpitations pumping fear through my body, eventually enveloped me with an intense fire that burned until I turned numb.
Time would pass slowly. I leaned my head against the wall and pulled my knees up to my chest. Silence surrounded me like dark storms, and peaceful, comforting thoughts of Charlie suspended in the air. Until I found my way out of here, and until Jesse Atkinson paid for what he'd done, I wouldn't find solace.
But who would find me? Even my ghosts went away and left me here.
All I could do was sit in silence.