I pull up next to Spencer's car and put mine in park before hopping out.
It started raining just a little bit on my drive over.
I knock on the passenger window, getting him to unlock the door for me.
Sliding into the passenger's seat and closing the door behind me, I immediately turn my focus to Spencer.
"Hey," I say to him. "I'm so sorry."
He was quiet for most of the phone call on my drive here. Seeing him in person hurts even worse. His cheeks are stained with tears, he's laying his head against the window. Numbness has set in.
"I'm sorry I ruined your plans," He says after a minute or so. "I tried calling Emily, Penelope, Luke... but they're all still mad at me. They put me to voicemail. You were the only one who picked up. You were actually the only one I really wanted here."
I feel bad. I never meant to cost him his friends. We should have talked upstairs that day. I should have listened.
Derek was cold to him for awhile, too. Now, they're fine, but still trying to put it in the past.
"I'm sorry," I tell him, resting my hand on his knee and giving it a squeeze before bringing it back to my lap. "That's my fault."
"It isn't your fault. If... If I hadn't cheated on you, everything would have been okay. It's my own fault."
Well, I won't argue with him on that.
He finally looks over at me, sitting up straight. "Band practice tonight, right?"
I nod, looking back at him. "Yeah, but... they'll understand. This is important."
"Your ex shouldn't be more important," He looks down at his lap.
"Spencer," I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. "You're more than just an ex, and I told you... I'll always be there for you when you need me."
He stays quiet and looks back out the window.
"Whenever you're ready, we can go in together."
-
It took him a little while to gather the courage to go in. We even stood outside the door for a few minutes while he took deep breaths, the tears still running down his cheeks.
"Hey," I'd said, taking his hand to comfort him. "It's okay, I'm here."
Maybe letting him hold my hand throughout the entire visit was overstepping a boundary between us, but he needed it. It calmed him down-- made him feel the slightest bit better.
Now, we're just getting home. He kicks his shoes off and sets his bag down by the door before heading for the stairs.
"Spencer?" I ask him as I untie my shoes.
He stops and turns to look at me. "Yeah?" He asks quietly.
"Are you hungry? I was going to make myself some chicken or something. I can make enough for both of us," I offer, knowing that he's going to sink into a giant depression once he gets up to his room. That depression will have him down to the point where he doesn't want to move for anything.
I've been there. When my parents died, I didn't want to get out of bed— and I didn't unless I was really starving. After I finally got out of bed, I took my aggression out at the gym.
"I really just want to go to bed," He says in response, gesturing toward the stairs.
I nod at him, feeling a bit defeated. "Okay. If you need anything, I'll be here."
Spencer barely gives a nod before starting up the stairs.
I kick off my shoes and head for the kitchen, starting chicken and Alfredo noodles— and making enough for the both of us.
As the food finishes up, I make him a hot cup of tea with a tiny bit of milk and honey— just the way he likes it. I also grab him a water bottle and two ibuprofen— his head must be killing him.
After getting his meal set up on a tray, along with the two pills on a teacup saucer, I carefully walk it up the stairs and balance it with one arm while I knock on his door with my left hand.
I hear a faint 'come in' before opening up his door.
The room is dark, except for the light that spills in from the hall. It illuminates Spencer's face. He's laying on his side in bed, clutching his blanket around him as tight as he can. He wipes his eyes with the blanket.
"I know you said you just wanted to go to bed, but..." I step into the room and set the tray on his end table before crouching beside him. "I figured I'd bring you something just in case. Plus, some hot tea and a couple of ibuprofen for your head."
He doesn't look at me, just stares straight ahead of him. "Are you going to eat?"
"Yeah, I just wanted to bring you your food first," I start, wondering if he wants me to eat with him. "If you want, we can eat together and watch a movie on my laptop."
Spencer looks at me now. "You wouldn't mind?"
"Not at all," I shake my head and give him a reassuring smile. "I'm gonna go get my laptop and my plate. I'll be right back, okay?"
He nods and starts to sit up as I head out of the room, heading down the stairs to grab my food and a can of pop for myself before heading back upstairs, grabbing my laptop from my room, then heading to Spencer's.
He's turned the light on, and when I walk in, I notice just how much of a mess his room is.
Clothes on the floor, a few glasses of water sitting on every surface. Spencer is usually extremely neat and tidy.
He usually keeps his door closed, but on the rare occasion that I see inside, it's never looked like this.
"Can I sit by you?" I gesture to the empty side of the bed.
He nods. "Yeah."
I set my plate and pop down on the nightstand before sitting down, feeling something hard beneath me under the blanket.
I get back up to fish it out.
A long, thin stick... with a handle at the end and a wrist strap. I know what this is. It's for caning.
"Sorry," He reaches for it and takes it from me. "There's just... stuff everywhere. I haven't cleaned since—"
"The last time Elle came over?" I accidentally cut him off before clapping my hand over my mouth.
He just nods, tossing the stick on the floor. "Yeah."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"
"I know you didn't," He cuts me off, patting the space beside him.
I take the invitation to sit down and open my laptop up, asking Spencer what he wants to watch before he tells me to 'just pick anything'.
I put on Fantastic Mr. Fox and we eat our food while watching it. By the time we're finished eating, the movie is hardly halfway over. Spencer lays down and I do the same, putting my laptop in between us so that we can both watch it.
"Allie?" Spencer asks, pulling my attention from the screen. When I look up at him, he continues. "Thanks for all that you've done. Not just today, but... y'know, for being there for my mom, being there for me even though we're not..." His words fade and he doesn't finish the thought. "Just... thank you."
I nod and give him a small smile.
Silence falls between us once again and I awkwardly look back at the computer screen.
"Were you upset about the cane?" He asks out of nowhere.
I look back up at him. "For a split second. I mean, I've seen your room after Elle leaves, I know you're doing that stuff with her. I just... I don't get why you never did it with me."
He reaches over and tucks my hair behind my ear. "I don't know why. I think that... I turn to this stuff in times where my life is a wreck. I was my happiest with you, so... I guess I didn't need it or want it. It helps me get my frustrations out, I guess."
"After tonight... you'd want to call Elle?"
"I would have, but... I'm enjoying this time with you. I need this type of comfort more than what I'd get from her."
"I could give you both. I-I could be Elle for tonight. I just— I mean, if you wanted to—"
I shut my mouth and put my hands over my face, cutting myself off before I can say anything else. God, I'm stupid. Why would I say that? Fucking idiot.
"Al," He says softly, gently grabbing my wrist and moving my right hand away from my face. "You don't mean that."
I just stare back at him, not knowing what to say or do.
I think he realizes that I do mean it— he reaches for my laptop and closes it before putting it on his end table and scooting closer to me.
"You're positive that you want to do this?" Spencer rests his hand on my cheek.
Yes.
No.
Well— yes, but...
No.
I don't know.
His hand on my cheek makes my skin feel like it's burning. He hasn't touched me like this in forever.
God, I miss him. I miss him so much.
I nod. "I'm positive. Are you?"
"Positive," He says before bringing his lips to mine.
Fuck. Yes.
I missed this.
The way that he holds my face, the way that his lips move against mine...
Spencer pulls away slightly, his lips only centimeters from mine. "If you want me to stop the particular thing that I'm doing, the safe word is 'yellow'. If you want to stop completely, the safe word is 'red'. Okay?"
"Yes," I tell him, and with that one, little word, his lips are back on mine.
Soon enough, my clothes are off and I'm laying on my stomach while Spencer sucks and kisses his way from my neck to my thighs, gripping my ass as he leaves what will undoubtedly become little, purple marks.
When his lips leave my body and he gets off of the bed, I twist my head to see him holding a paddle and the cane.
Spencer tosses the paddle down beside me and stays beside the bed. I hug the pillow that my head is resting on as tight as possible. I know one thing for sure. The cane fucking hurts.
I get so worked up, waiting for that first thwack, that when I feel the tip of it gently glide against my skin, I take a sharp breath.
He doesn't seem to notice, or maybe he just ignores it. The tip of the cane is dragged down my left thigh and up my right before contact with my skin is broken and just before—
CRACK!
Ow! Ow! Fucking ouch!
I hardly have time to think before my ass is hit again.
I yelp into the pillow, holding onto it even tighter.
Jesus. Why the fuck does it hurt that bad? What sort of wood hurts that bad?
It's a few seconds before the next whack. This one seems to hurt worse than the last few— but I'm not sure if it's because he hit it harder or because of the tenderness of where the first couple were.
Another comes quick after, this time hitting right where my ass meets my thighs. Then another, right back on my ass.
"Fuck!" I cry into the pillow.
God, that one really fucking hurt.
I feel the bed sink next to me and a hand rests on my back.
"Are you okay?" Spencer asks quietly.
No! This is some form of medieval punishment, I'm sure.
I nod my head and look to my left to see him leaning over, concern in his eyes.
"I'm fine, Spencer." I tell him right away. "I'll use the safe words if I'm not."
He nods at me, moving his hand from my back to the top of my head, brushing my hair back. "I just wanted to make sure."
When he gets back up and starts again, I try to keep my yelps down, but as we get into the double digits, the pain starts to become unbearable. There's no space left on my ass that he hasn't struck.
I'm expecting another hit just as I feel his fingertips tracing the skin that is probably already bruising.
"Do you have condoms?" He asks softly.
"Huh?" I heard him, I'm just thrown for a loop. It feels weird to have him ask me that. "Um, in my room— the bottom drawer of the end table on the left of the bed."
Spencer nods and tells me he'll be right back before heading out of the room.
I think... I think that I need to call it. We can't have sex right now. Not after today.
If it were under normal circumstances, maybe, but...
I think he's too vulnerable. I shouldn't have suggested that I could 'be Elle' for him.
He takes a little while, making me worry. I get off of the bed and grab my shirt and underwear, slipping them back on before slowly making my way to my room. My legs are shaky— like jell-o.
I peek into my room, not seeing him.
Maybe he went downstairs.
I turn and start toward the stairs, seeing him walking up them with a water, two ice packs, hand towels hanging over his arm, and a squeeze bottle of something.
"Hey," Spencer greets me, his voice still the sad and soft tone it's been all night. "You should lay back down. I brought some ice packs to help with the swelling and some aloe vera gel to put on after."
"Spencer, I think that I should go back to my room for the night," I gesture over my shoulder with my thumb.
"Oh," He looks a little bit defeated. "Okay. Well, can I put this on you? Just... in your bed?"
I nod. "Sure."
We walk to my room together and Spencer tells me to lay on my stomach once again. I do so while he wraps the ice packs in the hand towels before gently pulling off my underwear and setting the ice packs on my butt.
"We'll ice it for... fifteen minutes. Then I can come back and put the aloe on for you."
"Come back?" I ask him.
He nods. "Well, I know that I'm probably the last person you'd want around after I just... beat you senseless."
"Spencer," I prop myself up slightly, craning my neck to look at him. "Come sit."
I pat the empty side of the bed and he hesitantly makes his way over and sits down.
"I'm not upset or angry with you because of this," I gesture over my shoulder. "I just... I think that... you're really sad, you're depressed. We shouldn't have sex while you're in a vulnerable state like this."
Spencer is quiet for a few seconds, looking down at his lap. "I understand. If the roles were reversed, I'd be telling you the same thing."
"Can you talk to me? Just... tell me what's going on in that big brain of yours."
He lays down, facing me but not looking in my eyes. "Static." Is all he says before tears start to build up in his eyes. "Everything in my mind is just— it's all jumbled."
"It's been a hard day, Spencer. It's okay to be jumbled," I assure him.
He shakes his head. "Hardly a day, Al. This past year has been fucking horrible. I... I lost everything." The tears fall now, racing down his face. "I ruined everything between us and lost you. Now, my mom is gone—"
"You didn't lose me, Spencer," I tell him as he sits up. "I'm still here. We're friends—"
"I don't want to be your friend!" He cries as he stands up, running his hands through his hair.
I stare up at him, my heart breaking as I watch him crumble right before my eyes.
"And I don't mean— I mean, I'm happy that you're my friend, I'm happy that you stayed here— I just... I don't want to be friends, Allie, I want to be more than that. I want to wake up next to you every morning, I want you to fall asleep on my shoulder while I read before I go to bed—"
"Spence," I grab the ice packs and toss them in the empty space of the bed before getting up and walking around to him.
He looks down at me, those big, brown eyes all red and puffy— his cheeks wet with his sadness and regret. "Seeing you every single day and pretending to be okay... it kills me. I've been turning a blind eye every time you bring someone home and acting like it doesn't hurt, but it does because I'm still in love with you!" He raises his voice a little bit, getting more and more worked up. "I just want to be with you. I want to make it all up to you."
"Spencer—"
He takes my hands. "Tell me that you don't love me. Please, Alexandria. If you don't love me, if you don't see any hope for us... tell me. I can't spend every single day hoping. Not anymore, it hurts too much."
Looking up at him with tears in my eyes, trying to will myself to say it. To tell him that I don't love him, that he should move on. But I can't. I'd be lying.
The tears race down my cheeks, making Spencer bring his hands up to my face to swipe them away with his thumbs. "It's okay, Al. You can tell me."
"I do love you," I choke out. "God, Spencer, of course I love you."
"You do?" He asks, his face lighting up a bit.
I nod at him while he wipes my tears away. "I want to fix things, I do... I just... I don't know how. And I'm still scared."
"What's scaring you?"
After a deep breath, I tell him. "That you'll do it again. Only, this time, while I'm awake."
He shakes his head. "No, no... Allie, I wouldn't."
"I just still need some time, y'know?"
Spencer nods. "I know."
"Maybe we should start over. All the way. Except, this time there's no hiding or blue dots on class notes." I chuckle a bit at the last part.
"So, starting out slowly? Going on dates?" He asks, tilting his head to the side.
I grin at him. "Mhm. And we can see where it goes, alright?"
"Okay," He says with a nod.
I go to sit down on the edge of the bed, but once my ass makes contact with it, I jump right back up with a quiet yelp. Well, that didn't feel good.
Spencer frowns at me. "I'm sorry. You should lay back down," He says, gesturing to the bed. "We'll get those ice packs back on, then we'll put on the aloe gel, okay?"
I do as he says and lay back down in my spot. He positions the ice packs once again before laying down next to me.
"Thank you for being here for me today," He tells me once again.
I just give him a small smile. "You're welcome."