this back pain from sleeping in matty's tub is making me feel like i'm a thousand years old, but i'm smiling at him from across the dining table as if i'm eight.
we've sort of burnt the pancakes. well, matty did, and it it was quite stupid really. they had turned out thin and horribly crisp especially around the edges, and matty had put too much water than what was instructed in the box, so it was barely consumable.
now we're sat with our mugs of coffee in hand and a cigarette in the other because there's nothing else in matty's refrigerator, and this would have pissed me off since i haven't properly eaten the past couple of hours, but i could tell he hasn't eaten either, so i keep quiet despite matty's coffee tasting like expensive shit.
"you look real lovely with your hair." matty says after awhile, like it's the first time he's seen me with my new—rather drastic—haircut.
i wish i could tell him the reason i got it chopped off is because, for some reason, i've connected my hair to the rather fucked up life i had last year. moving out of my mum's, meeting matty on the train, the loud shows, the quiet nights when matty was asleep but i was far too awake, the alcohol and the crying and the drugs and the...
"thanks." i mumble, smiling a little. i don't want him to know why i've cut my hair.
in a way, i feel like matty's done the same thing with him. he's no longer got his sides shaved like last year. he's completely growing it out, a mess of dark curls sitting on top of his head, like he doesn't bother anymore. he looks slightly different, but his features look just the same when you look close enough. just a bit older, and more tired.
"are you mad at me, rhiannon?" he asks after awhile, like he's seeking some sort of approval from me.
i wish i was. i wish i could get myself to feel angry for finding the packs of drugs in his little bag when he's been clean for over a year. i wish he never got addicted in the first place. i wish he never had to rely on something so heavily, just so he could feel something.
i shake my head. "of course not, matty."
i realise i'm just like him. desperate to feel something strong, so i look everywhere to find it.
"i'd be mad at me." he says quietly, staring at the ground.
i wish i could feel the same way.
—
for the rest of the day we'd stayed in bed. i think matty and i have smoked half the pack of cigarettes and we barely even noticed.
for awhile he was on his laptop, reading and replying to tweets from the people who follow him. "i suppose this is my life now. that's fame." he had said to me, for some reason he didn't sound too enthusiastic about it, and i'd wondered why.
then we'd watched a couple of films, some he had seen about ten times, but just kept downloaded on his laptop. matty finally made me watch true romance, a film he'd been wanting to show me for ages. i liked it, but not as much as he did, obviously.
we smoked. then talked. a lot.
"how are you and... alex, is it?" he'd asked while we were laying in bed facing each other, laying sideways with our elbows propped up on the mattress.
"we're barely talking." i'd replied, careful not to drop anything too fast that might get him to feel sad again.
"why? did you happen to break his poor little heart?"
if i say more then i might break yours, i had thought.
"what we had wasn't serious, if anything." i'd chuckled. "you don't have to be jealous."
matty had rolled his eyes, like he already knew that. it's the sad, pathetic truth anyway; that no one would compare to him. matty has probably gone out with more girls than my own age, and has experienced more and has fallen in love more than i ever did.
it's upsetting that in the grand scheme of things, i'm only ever a short stop in his life, when he's all i ever thought about.
unfortunately, the more the day passes, the stronger i feel it be true.
suddenly the bed feels gross to even sit on, knowing his girlfriend has stayed over and has slept here hundreds of times.
it's starting to feel like a disgusting sin to even be here.
god, what time is it even?
i look over to see that he's asleep now. all the high has finally crashed down on him, i suppose, but just like any other night, i'm the one wide awake and thinking of things again.
i untangle my legs from his before making my way to the bath quietly. i turn the lights on, smiling a bit as i see the tub in the corner.
the smile immediately fades as my mind begins to think that maybe he's fucked her here, too.
my brain just can't get itself to stop thinking of things that would make me sad, can it?
"stop." i whisper to myself, because maybe he hasn't and i'm just overthinking. or maybe he has, but then he would tell me, wouldn't he?
god. i sound so stupid even in my own fucking head.
i turn to the marble sink and turn the tap on, looking at myself in the mirror.
i wish things aren't as fucked up. i wish i'm not so fucked up. i wish i could stop looking at damaged people as people who could magically heal me.
i look around to find something i could dry my hands with, and it takes me a second to find a clean towel sitting on the counter, but then matty's phone starts dinging, alerting of two messages i don't want to read, but for some reason i can't get myself not to.
gabby:
i love you more baby x
gabby:
have you made the reservation for dinner yet? can't wait to see you tomorrow :)
i could feel the coffee wanting to make its way to the back of my mouth, but then matty's softly snoring a few feet away from me and i wouldn't want to wake him up, so i turn the lights off in his bathroom before quietly walking back to his bed.
for awhile i just sit there, in silence, with my head running a mile a minute. it almost feels like i'm starting to become more of a mess than matty is, and that's saying quite a lot at this point.
i feel him stirring in his sleep before he jolts awake.
"i thought you left." he mutters, half his eyes still closed as he's squinting at me in his barely-lit room. "can't sleep?"
"yeah." i let out a breathy laugh.
matty frowns, reaching his hand out and resting it on top of mine. "what's going through your head?"
it takes me a while to realise i had left the water running.
--
a/n: okay i'm reaaally sorry for the lack of updates lately, not that it's important but i honestly don't know how to write anymore. of course i don't want to continuously write shitty chapters but i also don't want to leave you hanging, soooo
again i really really REALLY fucking appreciate all the love and comments i've been receiving <3 so whatever your thoughts are on the story (or anything in particular lmao i love knowing things about people), please let me know because i read the comments ALL the time and it makes me really happy. x love you so much thank you again <3
also i really miss the guys :'( don't you?