"Naoki, I told you... I don't like you.. stop forcing yourself to me." I hug myself, trying to hide my exposed chest from him.
"I-I... I'm sorry.. I.." His eyes widened and they were softer than earlier, he's really surprised himself. He just realized what he did. "I'm so sorry... (Y/n).. I'm sorry.." He took the bra from the car floor, handing it to me. "I'm really sorry, I screwed up.. I'm sorry.."
I got the bra on, buttoning up my shirt to completely hide myself from him. I fixed my panties and pants, catching my breath to calm down. "Naoki.. I really love you.. but it's not the same way as how you like me. I love having you around because you're my friend. But I'm in love with someone else.." I hope he shows himself soon.. I really want him back.
"I know.. I know.. I'm really sorry for losing control and touching you.. I'm sorry.." I lean over and he backed away, he's scared. I cup his cheeks and press a soft kiss on his forehead. "I violated your personal space.. I'm supposed to respect you.... I.."
"Don't ever do it again, I don't want to lose a friend."
We both waited until we were calm before going ahead. He still drove me home even after what happened between us, I almost fell for that. I was about to submit myself to him, I was seeing my boyfriend.. I want him back. I want to see him again, I want to be with him.. who is he?
When Naoki was violating me, I was seeing scenes from the past.. specifically me making love with my boyfriend, but it was vague. I wanted to see more even if it was memories of me having sex with him, I just want to see the face.. I want to know who he is.
Naoki pulled over so that means we reached my house. He was supposed to stay the night but now that there's something between us, he decided to leave me alone. "(Y/n), I'm really sorry.. Slap me or hit me.. please." He's still on it.
"I don't want to hit you, as long as you know what you did was wrong then.. it's okay." I give him a smile to reassure him that I'm really fine.
"It's not okay, you're not okay with it.. You're scared of me but you just know how to hide it. Don't fake it from me (Y/n), I know when you're lying.." I let out a sigh, leaning over to him and give him a peck on the cheek.
"I'll see you tomorrow." I give him a wave before heading out.
I fell to my feet the moment I entered the house. He's right, I'm not okay with it... I'm nervous, scared, anxious, worried.. I might not even speak to him tomorrow. Whatever he did was really unforgivable but he's my friend.. I don't want to lose a friend over that.
I cry on my knees as I hugged them close to my body. The house feels so cold and empty, it was once warm and lively.. I don't have my mom anymore. I don't have a mother to come home to, dad's away and my friends are all busy with their own lives that I couldn't bother them.
Honami's in Med school and I know that her schedule's quite hectic so I don't really bother her that much. Maki's in the middle of a project so she couldn't give me much of her attention, she's also having conflicts with Lev, I don't want to add up to her problems. Ena's most definitely busy, she said she's going to leave for Russia soon.
I could ask Kazuhiko but ever since that day, the first time I saw my friends after I woke up.. she was just completely different from everyone. I couldn't recall (not that I can, ha..), I just couldn't feel anything nice from her. Being with her in college just helped us get closer, but she's just really different from the rest.
Everyone just seems to be going ahead, leaving me behind in the race. Honami's got a son, Ena's engaged to Kuroo, Maki's acting in movies directed by famous directors (also engaged to Lev), Kozume-san's got a company all to himself, Yaku-san's training in Russia... everyone's so ahead of me that I feel so lonely.. they have other priorities.. responsibilities..
I'm here, stuck and lost.. when I need someone, no one's there. If I had my boyfriend around, maybe I wouldn't be this down. I just want to see him again, I want him to be here.. to comfort me and say that it's okay, that he's here for me.. hear him say I love you and hug me.. I just need someone right now..
"Mom.. I feel so lonely.. why did you have to leave me? Why did we have to be so unfortunate? Mommy.... I miss you.. why did you have to go? I need you..... I need you mom, why..?" I mumble to myself, feeling chills down my spine, it's cold.
I need more answers, I need more clues.. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want to have someone who could be for me, without having to be scared of the consequences.. I don't want anything else, all I want.. all I need is someone.. I need to find out whoever my boyfriend was.. I need him.. where is he when I need him?
I want to get mad at him for leaving me behind, for not fighting for us when he had to.. but at the same time I couldn't blame him. I am the reason why we're not together right now.. I'm the one to blame for my suffering right now.. if I was careful, then he wouldn't have to.. mom wouldn't.. nothing would've broken us apart..
I want to ask him so many questions.. I want to ask him why he had to leave me, why he had to hide, why did he have to suffer-- why we both have to suffer from being apart.. why can I even feel so hurt without knowing that I had him before, I don't even know how we were before everything happened..
I want to ask him if he still loves me even after all these years.. if he still cares about me.. if he still wants the best for me.. if what he chose before was for the best for me.. if he knows how much I'm suffering right now.. if he knows how much it's hurting me to feel the pain even without remembering who he is..
I want to ask him... why.. why did he have to give up? Why did he have to sacrifice us? Why did he have to be away from me without my permission..? Why did he have to do that? Does he fucking know how much I cry in my sleep every night? Does he know that I'm not okay..?
Does he even love me? If he does then why is he letting me suffer..? I'm already so alone, why did he have to leave me on my own? Did he know that I'd be like this once I wake up? Did he know how much I think about him..? How much I still love him..? I miss him so bad.. I want him beside me.. I want his warmth, I want him to tell me everything..
Does he even understand me....? I feel so hopeless whenever I think of him.. whenever I ask myself if he still cares.. if he knew how much I cried over him.. I want to give up.. I just want to leave things be but if I do... then I wouldn't be able to find him.. I just want him back, it's as simple as that.. is that hard..?
But.. hey, it's my fault.. If I just didn't give attention to the vague memories that I see in my sleep then I wouldn't have to suffer from searching for him. I wouldn't have to be crying over him every single day, asking myself where the hell he is... I wouldn't have to be in pain! Why..?
I actually tried before but no matter what I did, he was just popping inside my head.. he just manages to make me cry, long for him, want him close, yearn for him.. miss him.. Why did I have to remember how it feels..? Why didn't I just forget everything?! I can't continue going on like this... it's hurts and I don't want it anymore..
I went to the couch and laid there. I cried until I fell asleep, it took me a very long time before I could finally sleep.. I was thinking of Naoki, about what he did to me.. I feel so scared.. but right now I don't have anyone to run to.. I don't have anyone to rely on.
I got to work, probably looking like a mess. I wasn't able to sleep until 3 AM. I was having nightmares and I just couldn't bring myself to sleep peacefully. I was blaming myself nonstop and it made things so difficult for me.. I want to end this..
"(Y/n) are you okay? Honey you look awful.." I nod, trying my best to smile. "I can't stop you, can I?" I let out a laugh and take the folder from Hana-san.
"Just had a few problems.." She gave me a sweet smile before leaving me all on my own.
I have to rewrite these, I need to get them done before lunch. I'm going to head to school to meet with my professor, I just hope that he wouldn't make me do anything. Reminds me, I need to ask permission from Kozume-san. I'll do that now.
I head to his office, knocking on the door before opening it. "Kozume-san--" Naoki's here. He and I met eyes but we both quickly look away. He eyed the two of us and I just ignored him. "I have to go somewhere.. I'm needed in school today. I have to leave by lunch.."
"What's with the two of you? Lovers quarrel?" Not you too... I'm still in love with my boyfriend.
"We're not together but uhm.. am I allowed to leave later?" He looked at us, going back and forth between us. "I'll be back once I'm done with whatever.."
"I can't keep you away from school. Just finish your work before leaving." I give him a bow, meeting eyes with Naoki again when I turned to leave. I bite my bottom lip and look away, heading for the door.
I go back to my desk, finding Ms. Bitch waiting for me with her arms crossed in front of her chest. I give her a slight bow as I walked up to my seat. I take the folder off my desk to look at it when she suddenly took it from my hands. I just look at her but then..
"What's your actual reason for working here? You slack around a lot. Why are you even here if you wouldn't do a proper job?" I stand up and bow, having her throw the folder to my chest. "We don't need people like you here."
She's not even an important asset to the company, she's only a department head for the time being because the actual head's away. She's not even working, she's not doing anything, she's ordering everyone to work as if she's the CEO. She hasn't learned her lesson yet.
I kneel down to pick up the files from the floor, finding a familiar hand help me out. Naoki's helping me out.. I bite my bottom lip when I felt the urge of crying, is it because of the pressure that Ms. Bitch was giving me? Or is it because of what happened between him and I? Or is it because I'm still searching for my boyfriend..?
Tears started falling from my eyes and my chest tightened, I have to hold everything in again. Naoki pat my head after I got the files from him, I wanted to hug him.. I just needed someone.. I needed someone to give me a hug. I needed someone to comfort me.
I take a seat and started working, kinda had a hard time because I was crying. I just feel so lost. I've been holding everything in for 4 years and I just couldn't anymore. I've been faking my smiles all these years, I faked that I was okay.. I wore a mask to hide everything.. it's breaking and I couldn't hide it anymore.
Mom kept so many things from me, my friends are still hiding something from me, I'm searching for someone I don't know, I'm having conflicts with my friend.. getting pressured by a coworker, missing and needing everyone to be around right now.. I should've died instead..
I was so close to hurting myself last night, I saw a knife in the kitchen and it was shiny.. It was as if it was asking me to use it to hurt myself. I had all the urge of hurting myself, but I didn't want to have cuts on my arms. I still have scars of the cuts I made when I was younger. Cuts I don't remember doing to myself.
I'm feeling so pessimistic today. I keep thinking about whether my friends still care about me. I have so many friends but I don't have anyone that I can call my friend. I'm not their original best friend, I can tell.. even without asking them the truth. My original best friend is busy with modeling.. I can't disturb her.
Maki's for Honami, Kazuhiko's for someone else, Ena's away.. Naoki and I aren't on good terms right now. I just want to cry all day, I just want to cry to my pillow.. I feel so useless.. why? Why am I like this? I'm not usually like this... I usually turn challenges into adventures but today I just couldn't.. I don't have the strength to.
Do you know what's making me feel so useless? Worthless? Ugly? Hideous? Pathetic? It's because of my boyfriend.. I don't know why.. but I feel like it's because he's away.. I know, it's stupid, I'm incredibly pathetic to be affected by him. But it just feels that way and I couldn't stop myself from feeling that way.
I head to Kozume-san's office to give him the folder, that's the instructions that Hana-san gave me this morning.. I gave him a smile as I went up to him. I hand him the folder, quietly waiting for him to say anything before I could leave the room. I'm still crying.. tears would fall from my eyes.. I don't want to cry anymore.
"These are--" He blinked for a few times as he looked at me. Do I look weird? "Uhm.. These are okay already, and uhm.. here." He gave me his tissue box. I wave my hands in from of me, I don't want to. "Just get a tissue and wipe your face. You look like a mess." Ugly?
"I look hideous?" He was supposed to start typing but I guess I caught his attention.
"(Y/n) I never said you were hideous. Just wash your face in the restroom, your face is wet with tears. You can leave after that." With him saying that, I only started crying more. "H-Hey.. If someone comes in here they might think that I'm bullying you."
"I-I'm sorry.. I just.." I feel so useless. "I want to give up.. everyone's ahead of me... I'm still stuck with the past.." Why am I telling him this again?
He let out a deep sigh, sliding the tissue box closer to me. "Life is not a race wherein you'd have to be first, (Y/n). Everyone has their own pace, you have yours. Don't rush it and calm down." His words are so familiar.. who said this before? "I think you should go now. You'll be late."
I take the tissue box and give him a bow before turning to leave. I turned my computer off, wiping my cheeks with the tissue as I gathered my things. I already informed Hana-san that I had to leave and she just told me to be careful. I definitely will be careful, I don't want history to repeat.
I booked a cab to get to school, I didn't have anyone to take me there nor do I have a car. I was supposed to be in school by 1 PM but I'm already late, I was too emotional over random things so it took me a while before I was able to leave the company building.
School.. I'll be over you in no time. I'll be graduating soon so I'm going to have a bit of freedom by then. All I'd have to focus on is work, looking for my boyfriend, finding my memories.. focusing on myself more and looking for a new place to live in. I wish time would go by in a flash so that I wouldn't have to be in pain.. I hate this.
I met the professor and he smiled at me, I at least know that he isn't pissed at me for being tardy. "(Y/n), you're at the top of your batch. You're graduating in a few months, 5 to be exact. But your tuition fee... this year's not paid yet." What? Wait no.. my sponsor should've been able to pay for it already.
"M-My sponsor always pays for it months or even a year ahead." He shook his head. "W-Wait.. I-I don't have.. I'll l-look for a way." He furrowed his brows, looking a bit worried.
"It's okay, you can pay a month later or even a day before graduation. Calm down.. You're pale.." I bite my bottom lip and nod, feeling my whole body shaking and grow weak from all of the pressure. I don't know what's happening to me. "Do you know the contact number of your sponsor?"
"N-No.. Mom never let me know and I couldn't contact dad either.. I don't know who my sponsor is...." Tears streamed down my face from the pressure, stress and other negative feelings in my chest. "I'm really sorry... I need.. I-I'll find a way to pay for them."
1,190,000 ¥.. Where will I get that much? I'm only an intern.. Even if I get paid by the company, I wouldn't be able to earn that much.. I mean I could but I wouldn't be eating if I pay for my tuition fees.. I wouldn't be able to move to a new place.... Life sucks for me, why am I still alive?
I excused myself from the professor, leaving the campus to head back to work. I contemplated whether I should eat before heading back but, I thought of my tuition fees so I decided not to. I'll be fine without eating my lunch.. I can't be okay without eating.. all I need is water.
I'm still so worried though, I don't know how I'd be living in the next few months just to save up for my tuition fees. I should probably eat less and stay at home if I wouldn't be going to work. I should try and take the train instead, it's cheaper than a cab. I should... stop spending for Mitsuki first.. ha.... this is so fucking hard.
I'm back in the company, greeting a few people on my way up to the 8th floor. I got to my desk, feeling my soul leave my body when I saw countless folders on it. I looked around and found Ms. Bitch glaring at me. I take a seat, seeing a sticky note on my computer.. it's from her.
"Who told you to leave? You're even late."
Well apparently, I got Kozume-san's approval. I put my bag down, taking a folder to start working on them. I'd be staying here up until late at night. I really don't have any motivation today, I could only think of my tuitions fees and my memories... I'm too stressed out.
Every time I finish a folder, she gives me another one. I swear to hell, she just wants to make me suffer. She's jealous over something and I don't know what it is. Maybe she hates me for being friends with incredibly handsome men. I have Kuroo, Lev, Kozume-san (I guess?), Naoki.. I'm really surrounded by handsome men.. don't know why.
I could feel my stomach grumble. I really haven't eaten anything since this morning. No dinner, breakfast, lunch... I might skip tonight too. I already feel sick for not being able to eat anything. I don't have money to buy any food. i have to save up for my tuition fees.. I really hope that I can pay them.
I'm still wondering why my sponsor just suddenly stopped paying for my tuition fees. He or she always pays years ahead, did something happen to them that they were unable to pay my tuition fees? Or did they lose interest in helping me out? Whoever my sponsor.. I must've failed to impress them.. make myself worthy of their money.
Maybe my grades weren't enough for them.. maybe they saw me do something and just thought i was boring.. I should've tried harder. I should've done more for myself, for them to see value in me.. I could've done more for me to be worth their time and their money.. but I failed..
"Hey, (Y/n).. Can you check this out? I don't really understand it.. help me out?" I turn to Kazuhiko, looking at where she was pointing at. I read the part and let out a small laugh. "What..? What's funny?"
"You are. You always ask me about the same thing." Her mouth made an 'o' shape, nodding her head slowly which made me chuckle. "Listen this is.." I explained everything to her again. This always happens and I couldn't help but think that she's like a lost baby.
"(Y/n)." I hum in response, eyes still on the file as I read it for me to explain it to her. "The sparkles of your eyes.. they're gone." I stop reading, blinking my eyes as I turned to her. "Your eyes aren't sparkling anymore.." She looked at me intently, tilting her head and squinting her eyes.
"What do you mean--?"
I flinched when a folder was slammed to my desk. I look up and find Ms. Bitch-- Rikane-san right in front of me. I immediately stand and hang my head low, she's really mad now. "What the hell are you doing? I gave you work to finish. I didn't let you chat with your friend. Why are you even here?" I bite my lip, forcing my tears back into my ears. "I told you, this company doesn't need any slackers. We don't need you, (Y/n)."
"I'm sorry, I was explaining something to her--"
"Do you think that that's a valid reason?" I shake my head, playing with my fingers as I scratched myself. Self harm: Mild level activated. "We don't need you here. You can go ahead and leave if all that you'd be doing is chat!"
"You're one to speak, Rika." I look up to see a guy that looks exactly-- almost like Kozume-san. His eyes widened when he saw me but he turned to her first. "When you were an intern, you did less work and more ordering. Kenma's kind enough to keep you here because you needed work. The truth is, this company doesn't need you. You need this company.."
"Y-Yamashita-senpai.." She hung her head low-- I don't know if I should feel bad for her.
"Stop ordering her to do your work just because you were assigned as the temporary department head while I was away.." He said, and him scolding her goes on.
I just stood here and waited for him to finish scolding her. He scolded her about everything that she's done ever since she first got here, going to when she passed her probationary period and to when Yamashita-san had to leave. I kinda feel bad but at the same time I don't, she does deserve a scolding.
I smile and give Hana-san a small wave, seeing her just enter the place. She gave me a smile too, pausing when she saw what was going on. Yamashita-san was still scolding her right in front of me and my feet are already tired from all the standing.
After a few more words, he finally let her go. Hana-san brushed and fixed his hair, seeing Yamashita-san pout his lips and act cute with her. She gave him a kiss on the lips and he replied to it, giving her one on the forehead too. She latched her arm with his, turning around and realizing that I was here.
"Yamashita Kagami, Yamashita Hana." Ahh, they're a married couple. My mouth formed an 'o' shape and I covered it with my hand. "(Y/n), it's nice to see you after a few years." I tilt my head to the side, confused with what he said. "Oh right, you lost your memories.. We met before."
"O-Oh.. Sorry.." I just let out an awkward chuckle. "I thought you were Kozume-san's brother or cousin.. You two look a whole lot like each other." He smiled cheekily, making a check sign with his hand, placing it under his chin. "Uhm.."
"I'm more handsome, right?" I chuckle and nod, seeing him furrow his brows as he squinted his eyes. "I see.." Was that not the reaction he wanted? It looked like he was asking for it. "Oh right, don't worry about Rika now. I'm your department head." I nod and smile.
"Well then, sweetheart we'll go ahead." I give the couple a bow before taking a seat.
I got rubbing alcohol out of my bag, hissing when I felt my skin sting. I looked at it and remembered that I scratched myself earlier. I have red marks on my skin, it's also a bit itchy.. I should've controlled myself. I don't like having scratches.
I suddenly realized something. How did I meet Yamashita-san? And who told him about me losing my memories? I don't-- I can't think of anyone possible. I don't think any of my friends know who he is.. Maki maybe? She travels around Japan a lot because of acting but, she.. no she probably doesn't.
Whoever told Yamashita-san about me must be someone I spend my everyday life with. I don't know who.... my boyfriend! It must've been my boyfriend! Yeah, it must've been him! I should ask him about my boyfriend later, I hope I can get an answer!
I had to finish everything because I'm here only up until 5 PM. I can choose to stay but.. maybe I will stay. I don't have a choice. I still have seven folders to fix and organize, more files to rewrite. I need to finish this. I fucking hate my life. I don't even know why I'm still doing this for her.
Hours passed and we soon reached the end of the day. Kazuhiko just sighed and saw her phone, she has a problem again. I'm still doing my work, trying to finish the last two folders as soon as I can. I want to go home and sleep, if I sleep right away then I wouldn't need to eat.
"(Y/n)... I have to go today.. I'm not yet done with these.. and they're needed tomorrow." I look at the folders that-- three?! "I'm sorry, this is very urgent!" She clasped her hands and closed her eyes, looking like she's ready to receive anything.
"Go ahead, I'll do them for you." Her face lit up and she gave me bright smile. She took her bag and stood from her chair. "Take care and be careful." She kissed my cheek and chuckled.
"I should say that to you." Well, where's the lie?
"You're not leaving yet?" I look up to see Naoki. I turn to my computer, shaking my head as I continue typing. "You should rest, you look exhausted already.." He's worried but he still sounds so guilty over what happened between us.
"Naoki come on, we're drinking tonight!" I turn to the lively one, seeing Shinjiro with his arm around Gin's shoulders. "Oh (Y/n)-san, you're staying?" I give him a nod and an apologetic smile. "You're going to let your girlfriend stay?"
"We're not together," "She's not my girlfriend." We said in unison, having Shinjiro cover his mouth.
"I'll be fine. You boys have fun, but don't get too drunk. Okay?" I tell them, earning a thumbs up from Gin and Shinjiro. Naoki furrowed his brows, looking away as he walked ahead.
I continued working and everyone soon left. I started to feel the pressure in me. I didn't like seeing the others leave and I'm still finishing my job, and the ones Kazuhiko asked me to finish. I hate being left behind, it makes me feel so many things and it reminds me of my mother's death.
I was on my last folder when I started to feel lightheaded. My chest is really tight and heavy, my heart's banging inside my chest.. I'm crying again. I'm so stressed out. I want to go home but, I need to finish to earn better.. I hope it works that way here. I need to earn money for my tuitions fees.
I'm suffocating so I took my blazer off, popping two buttons off. I'm sweating even if the AC is at 17 degrees C. My stomach feels so empty that it's making things harder for me, I couldn't focus at all. I'm shaking already, I don't know what to do... I just bite my hand for me to stop shaking but it's not working.
Thoughts are rushing in my head, I'm useless.. Slow.. pathetic.. stupid.. ugly.. not worth loving.. No one wants to be there for me.. they all end up leaving me on my own. I'm the only one who's sacrificing myself for them but they don't sacrifice themselves for me. I don't have anyone....
I want to hurt myself so bad.. I saw a pair of scissors.. I held my hand tight for me not to get the scissors. I try my best to save the files before heading to the break-room to get myself something to eat.. and pills.. I need pills.. I can't breathe anymore.. I can't steady myself..
I walked there, holding on the wall to keep myself on my feet, having an anxiety attack was worse than I imagined. I tried breathing, feeling my chest tighten with every beating of my heart. I gather my strength and continue going there, crying when I felt my heart bang inside my chest.
I open the cupboards, looking for the bottle.. Where are they? The pills? Where are they? I need them now! I open the cupboard, reaching my hand in to touch whatever was there. I saw a bottle, assuming that it was it.. I tried reaching for it.. having it drop to the floor.
I kneel to the floor and pick up the pills, wincing in pain when I got a cut on my hand. There are glass shards... I suddenly panicked when the door opened. My heart's racing.. I can't calm down.. I gasp for air, unable to breathe in oxygen..
"(Y/n)--? (Y/n)?!" Kozume-san.. He went up to me, pulling me away from the mess. "Why are you still here? No-- what's going on?" I started crying harder, feeling my chest tighten more and more.. I can't breathe.
"A-A-Am I useless? Am I ugly?? Am I stupid..? Was I not worth anyone's time? Am I not worth anyone's time? Effort? Love? Trust? Loyalty?" I ask, tears streaming down my face. I look back and forth between his eyes.
"What are you talking about?" I gasped for air, panting as I panicked when I really couldn't breathe anymore. "H-Hey.. Calm down.." My head fell on his shoulder, I'm sorry-- he hugged me. "Calm down.. I'm here.." He pat my back and brushed my hair.
"Am I really not worth anything? Am I not worth anything? Do I not deserve anyone's love? Do I not deserve anyone by my side? Everyone's leaving me behind... everyone's leaving me.." I cried harder, having him just pat my back and hush me.
"(Y/n), you have your friends around you. If you need anyone, you can talk to Maki or Ena.. Even Honami would be available for you. Don't be scared of talking to them.. They're your best friends. You're not alone.. you have a lot of people around you that cares about you.."
"I have them.. but I don't have my mom.. I miss her.. I miss her so bad.. she left me already.. I can't bring her back.. I'm the reason why she died.." I want my mother back. "Not only her.. I miss my boyfriend.. I want him back.. I want him to show himself to me.. I need him.. I need him by my side..."
I really wish he'd come back and clear things out with me. I really do love him. I want him with me everyday, the moment I wake up and the moment I fall asleep. I need him around me.. to hold me in his arms..
"I love him.. I still love him a lot.. I really love him.. I want him here...." I pulled away and looked at him. "He still loves me right? Does he still love me? Does he still cares for me? I love him.."
He pulled me back into a hug, stroking his hand up and down my head. "He does.. He still loves you very much, (Y/n).. He still loves you.."
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