19. Normal
I tried my best to carry on with the rest of my day, as I distracted myself with simple things like reading the same book over and over again, going to the common room and numbly watching the repeated episode of Family Guy. And then I ate dinner; today's special was beef lasagne with fresh coated salad. I was then weighed and as expected I didn't improve much from the last time, but still, the nurse seemed to be hopeful as she pointed out that there was something new about my whole demeanour, and she smiled widely as she dismissed me.
I chose to ignore her as I walked to the bathroom taking a shower and then dressing in overlapping guns and roses shirt that looked like a dress on my tiny body, along with a pair of doc martens. I brushed my hair down in its natural curls and stared at my features over and over again.
The mirror in the bathroom was guarded with steels that restricted the patients from smashing it and using it to put an end to their misery. And for the first time in months, I stared at myself in the mirror and although it was hard to recognise the girl staring back at me, I still tried my best to at least be content with who she was, with who I have become, and with how I looked.
I disregarded the voices in my head as I faked a smile at the freckles that marked my cheeks, remembering how much my father admired them, and how he'd always tell me that they made me special and unique because he had the exact same thing. Tears welled up in my eyes and I allowed them to fall, deciding that I didn't want to hide the tears anymore, I didn't want to hide anything anymore because I was mentally and physically tired.
I didn't feel like fighting this battle anymore, I was tired of always fighting to take breaths to stay alive. I was just tired and needed to feel free and a float for once. I pushed my hair to the side allowing it to cascade down; as I made my way to circle time. My palms began to sweat, and I felt a sudden feeling of nausea rising up in my stomach, as my heartbeat quickened from anticipation.
I was anxious, nervous, scared, but also excited to see Eric. I spent half my day worrying about him and how his meeting with his family went. I feared that he would see his father and everything that he's worked so hard on manifesting for himself will completely go down the drain, and he'd go back to square one. I didn't want that for him. I entered Circle time and instantly my eyes scanned the room, searching for his face, but he was nowhere in sight.
My heart sunk in my chest, but I chose to ignore the stabbing feeling as I walked over to take a seat. I couldn't stop myself from looking up in hope whenever the door opened and someone walked in, but I was disappointed each time because he didn't walk through the doors. Tears brimmed up in my eyes, but I fought with myself to not let them fall, the voices in my head laughed at me as they mocked me for thinking that Eric cared for a second.
I overlooked them as I tried desperately to focus on the words that left Jeffrey's lips.
''Does anybody want to share anything?''
And before I could stop myself, I rose my hand, and instantly I regretted it. Jeffrey's faced beamed up with excitement, and I gulped mentally cursing myself as I rose to stand. I didn't have anything to say, I didn't have anything that I wanted to share with these people. I only raised my hand because I wanted a distraction from the voices in my head. I blinked multiple times, breathing in and out, letting the voices and the words go unnoticed as I faked a smile.
''Go ahead Louise'' Jeffrey urged on
''Uh-I just wanted to say that, I think uh-'' I closed my eyes, trying to think of something to say, but nothing would leave my lips, taking deep breaths in and out I begin to speak as I allowed the words to roll off my tongue.
''I tried to kill myself a few months ago. Uh-it wasn't a cry for attention, it was meant to be the end but obviously, here I am. I have a beautiful mother that loves and care about me, and I have a brother who is so broken and I hate seeing him like that, I really do. When I tried to kill myself, I didn't think about them, because I didn't think that they mattered, I didn't think that they'd care. When my mother found out what I tried to do; she was broken, I could see it in her eyes. She was so broken-I broke my mother's heart worse than my father's death did. And Jeremy, I mean he's so young and he deserves better. So much better-I, uh,''
Tears started to fall from my eyes, but I still kept them close as I continued to speak
''It's hard being me, it's so hard. And I just think that life shouldn't be this hard, it shouldn't feel like a struggle to breathe. I don't regret trying to kill myself. I just want my mum to be okay, you know? I just want her to be happy, and I just want Jeremy to be okay. I don't care about me.''
I used my hand to cover my mouth as I opened my eyes to see everyone staring at me with sad expressions, I wiped my eyes, embarrassed as I sat down immediately sulking back into the darkness of my own mind.
''Thank you so much for sharing Louise'' Jeffrey smiled wildly
I returned a toothless smile that didn't even reach my eyes as I allowed myself to black out for the rest of the session. My mind ever so often went back to Eric as I pictured him completely and utterly vulnerable to his parent's deceits, and I hope that he would come back in one piece that he wouldn't come back broken; because he deserved to be happy.
After engaging in activities and talking with Jeffrey, circle time came to an end. I made my way to exit along with the other patients until Jeffrey called out for me to wait behind. I bit down on the inside of my cheek as I waited for the worse to come.
''Sit down'' Jeffrey smiled
I did what I was told as I avoided his eyes staring down at my feet
''I'm really glad that you shared your story today''
I didn't say anything as I continued staring at the ground.
''You know Louise, sometimes in order to disregard our pain, we have to think about the ones that love and care about us. Whenever you feel like you're drowning just think about that one person or thing that brings your sanity back. If you go through life thinking about how your actions hurt the ones you love, then you'll always be super careful with what you do. Your mother loves you, your brother loves you, and your fath-''
''Can I go please?'' I said quickly not liking where the conversation was headed
I didn't like talking about my father to strangers because they just didn't get it. It didn't matter how many times I explained the pain of losing a parent to anyone, they'd just never get it. I didn't want to talk about my dad with Jeffrey because I didn't want him to label my father's death with his fancy words that were supposed to somehow make me feel better when in reality they never would.
Nothing would ever make me feel better.
The only person I really wanted to speak about my father to was my mother, but I couldn't because the topic was too painful for her, and she wouldn't speak about it because of how fragile it always made me.
I didn't bother waiting for Jeffrey's permission as I rose to stand and stormed out. As soon as I was away from him I let out a sigh of relief as I gulped down the lump that stood in my throat. I had a drink of water before making myself appear somewhat presentable as I made my way to Dr Francis's office.
I was still embarrassed about what she had witnessed earlier, and I couldn't help feeling scared and anxious about what we would talk about today. I turned the knob to her office door and stepped in, taking the usual seat on the couch, as she walked over and smile at me kindly, I faked a smile.
''Louise, how are you?''
''I'm good'' I breathed out
''That's good-I'm happy, what do you want to talk about today?'' She asked
''Uh-nothing really. Everything's good''
''How do you feel after the medication? Any suicidal thoughts lately?''
''Not really-just a wave of sadness always comes, normally it was a tsunami wave, but now it's just small waves that I can handle''
''Jeffrey told me that you opened up today. Do you want to talk about that?''
I looked at Dr Francis wondering if maybe now was the time to really open up to her. It's almost been two months and no efficient progress was being made, and the longer I held back was the longer I would stay here and so I nodded my head unsurely.
''Okay, here's what we'll do. I won't ask you any questions. I just want you to talk, tell me what's on your mind''
''A lot is on my mind, my head hurts half the time because of the voices in my head. They talk to me a lot but I'm not crazy, I promise I'm not crazy. They just tell me the truth, nothing is sugar-coated with them. There's just there's so much pain. How do I even start?'' I looked away, feeling the lump forming in my throat, feeling as the tears welled up in my eyes desperate to fall.
''Why don't you start from the beginning?'' Dr Francis smiled wildly
''I was twelve years old, my father has been sick his entire life, he inherited diabetes from his father, but he always had it under control. I watched him take his medication every day and he was so normal. And then he wasn't-how could that just happen? It's like he was here one minute and then he wasn't, and then everything just changed. There's so much pain, there's so much anger inside of me, and I don't know what to do with it, because I'm just so unhappy. I can't even breathe without fighting to breathe, I can't even think anymore. The voices they think for me, they tell me what to think and what to say, which is why I never talk anymore-and then he died. I watched him suffer, he was so skinny and it was like he was already gone, and then he couldn't even see me anymore. He lost his sight and, and, and he just couldn't see me anymore-he died not knowing what I look like. He died, and then everything just changed. There's so much pain, there's so much pain why? The doctors said he'd be okay. They said he'd be fine, they said he would recover, they lied. They lied. He stopped walking and, and he couldn't even leave the room, and then his kidneys shut down and he couldn't even stay at home anymore, and then he was in the hospital and we had a family therapist and I knew that he was going to die because of the things they were saying. They were preparing us for it and then he died and I hated him. I hated him for leaving me, I hated him for dying. I hated everyone, I hated the universe. I hated me and I hated God. How could they let this happen? I didn't do anything. Everyone had a dad except for me, I hated him and so I didn't go to the funeral. I'm so sorry I just couldn't''
And then I utterly broke down as I tried to catch my breaths through the gasp that followed. It felt like tons of weights were being lifted off my shoulders, and my mouth just continued to ramble on and on.
''People say it's for the better because he's not suffering anymore. But I want him here, even if he's suffering because he wasn't supposed to die-not yet''
Dr Francis said nothing as I cried for minutes upon minutes upon minutes until my face hurt from crying too much and my eyes burned from my salty tears. I wiped my eyes tiredly as I breathed in and out trying to calm myself down.
''Louise-you have to let all of that anger go''
''But I can't, it's all I have left''
''Yes, you can. Challenge your anger with love. Your mother loves you dearly, your brother loves you-''
''No he doesn't-he hates me. Do you know what he said to me? He said who wants a sister that cuts themselves? I'm an embarrassment''
''He's angry. He lost his dad too, your dad wouldn't want you to hold onto all this anger and resentment. You have to let it go and come to terms with his death, you have to be content with the living relatives that you have, now I'm not saying you should completely forget about your dad because I know that you couldn't, but appreciate your mother more, get better for her. Be happy that she's still here, let the anger go''
''How? How do I let it go?'' I said desperately
''By facing all your problems at once, not running away from them. You have to really face them headstrong and overcome them. Okay, this is how I see our problems and hardship as a car coming at full speed and we're standing in the middle of the road walking deceptively. We can either carry on walking and let the car run us over, where it can either kill or damage us, or we can use our brain and take another turn that will allow the car to swerve and missed us. If it's a problem that we can't swerve then we face it headstrong, and ensure that wherever it hits us, we work on mending that part before another problem strikes''
I nodded my head slightly.
''Your family loves you, Louise, so many people love and care about you. You have a bright future ahead of you, death is never the answer. Your father wouldn't have wanted that for you.''
''Yeah'' I trailed off
''Okay, here's what we'll do from now on. You'll write down each and every single one of your problems that you try to overshadow and together we will work on ways to overcome them. Is that okay?''
''Yeah'' I smiled
''Come here'' Dr Francis said, standing up
Hesitant at first, I stood up and accepted the hug that she offered me as she smiled at me kindly. I rushed out of her office as quickly as I possibly could keep my head down as I walked to my bedroom.
As I walked, I could hear Leila faintly calling my name but I pretended not to hear her as I carried on walking, soon as I reached my bedroom I closed the door behind me and breathe in and out frantically. The voices in my head were quiet for once, and I liked it as I smiled a smile of relief. I sat on my bed reading the book 'Looking for Alaska' by John Green as I occupied my time.
At 8:05, Camille knocked for me and I exited my bedroom to join the queue of patients lining up to take their medication. I took my cup and swallowed all the three pills, and then made my way back to my bedroom. I continued reading Looking for Alaska, I ended up falling asleep reading until there was a bang on my bedroom door. I jumped up frightened as I breathe heavily, I rubbed my eyes tiredly as I climbed out of bed, glancing at the clock to see that it was only 9 pm.
I opened the door to find Eric standing there, my heart picked up an unusual speed and the butterflies returned to my stomach, and so did the voices. We stood staring at each other, neither of us saying anything, I couldn't help noticing the wetness under his eyes, and the roughness of his curls that were normally so adorable as they rested on his forehead. His hands trembling ever so often, I softened my gaze as I welcomed him inside, closing the door behind us.
''Hi'' I managed to breathe out
''Hi'' He said avoiding my gaze
My heart sunk in my chest because of his distant, he was being, and I waited for the worst to come. I waited for him to tell me that it was all one big mistake and that really he could never like someone as pathetically sad as I was, because of how much I drained his aura. I closed my eyes, feeling as the tears formed and my throat begin to close up almost like he had knocked the wind out of me.
''Louise-''
''Don't say it-it's okay. I understand you don't feel the same. It's okay. I didn't expect you to''
I managed to breathe out feeling as I struggled to catch my breath, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack, but I tried my best to focus on something else not wanting him to see just how much power he had over me.
''What are you talking about?''
''I'm giving you the easy way out. It's okay''
''Louise-can you not right now? How many times am I going to tell you that I really freaking like you? I don't want an easy way out-I want-I want us to be normal okay''
''Normal?'' I said unsurely
''Yes-I want us to be normal people with normal lives. I want to kiss you in the hallway of some stupid building, I want to hold your hands in public, I want to fight with you and then stand outside your window with a stupid fucking boom box. I want to meet your family, and I just-I want to love you, Louise''
I stared at him not knowing what to say, that was the last thing that I was expecting.
''Uh-Eric''
''Please tell me you feel the same''
''I do-I do'' I breathed out
''I've had a really crappy day, okay? -I don't want to think about my family. I just want to think about you''
''Okay''
''I-I care about you, Louise''
''I care about you too''
''No, I mean I really care about you Louise'' Eric said moving closer to me
''Okay'' I said
''Can I spend the night with you?'' He asked
''Okay'' I said
I didn't know what else to say as we climbed into my small single bed together, he held onto me tightly, almost like he was scared that I would disappear any second, and I rested my head on his chest as I listened to the beating of his heart.
Everything within this moment felt perfect, the voices in my head stopped talking, and I didn't feel lonely anymore as I wrapped my arm around his torso enjoying the way his body blended in nicely with my own. He was asleep in no time and I listened to his shallow breathing, I looked up at him through the darkness, and then reaching down, I placed a soft kiss on his lips, his arms tightened around me and I smiled warmly.
A/N- Hey guys, so I've decided to update early simply because I tend to update very late and I really do apologise for that. I'm very thankful for all the readers that have been reading from the start and have carried on reading, it really warms my heart when I read your comment and your feedback. It feels amazing to know that someone believes in me, and always admire my writing so thank you very much for that.
I really want this book to make a difference in which the way people view individuals suffering from mental illness, I don't want people to feel alone anymore, even if it's writing a depressed book to do that, then so be it.
Sometimes it's very hard to believe in myself and my writing, so I just want to thank you guys for encouraging me. Your comments really make me smile even if it's one comment. I still smile. Okay, that's enough of me rambling on! Xxxxx
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