As the narrator of this tale it is my job to introduce you, the reader, to any and all new characters. At this point, I feel the need to bring to your attention the life and times of Daniel… Daniel Stohlmannesdale. This particular character is kind of a big deal—he’s the captain of the football team, a very important position in the school’s hierarchy. He is the strongest pubescent in all the land yet he possesses a shy, sensitive side that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex. However, this particular boy of a man has chosen to remain abstinent until after the football season ends—for he cannot risk the distraction of a female companion whilst partaking in this most violent of sports.
Daniel, this god among pubescent boys, has a secret. A dark and terrible secret that haunts his dreams and brings him grief (even on the sunniest of days). He spends all hours of the day obsessing over this dark mystery. Unfortunately for you, good reader, I cannot tell you what that secret is… not yet.
For now, you will have to remain in the dark about this “minute” detail. We shall, instead, focus on what Daniel has been doing thus far in our story. On the fourth day of the second week of the eighth month of the 2014th year after the death of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Daniel was doing what he did every Wednesday at 6:30 in the morning. Daniel was lifting weights at school, working up a sweat and allowing his mind to wander. As he began to think about the upcoming football game on Friday, Daniel tried to focus his mind upon his work. The weights were heavy, and he felt the metaphor bearing down on himself (A metaphor which symbolizes, to our lesser readers, the strain his dark mysterious secret was slowly killing him for, reasons unbeknownst to even his closest friends, he couldn’t begin to fathom). The weight of the, er, weights, sent him falling to the floor, crumpling into a heap of tears and pubescent body.
“Get up, Stohlmannesdale!” Mr. Bausch said (he was also the weightlifting instructor), “Now is not the time to be sensitive!”
“Sorry, sir,” said Daniel, who held an undying respect for the ancient instructor, “I was just thinking about something important.”
“Well, if it’s important, you can continue to think about it, being sacred and all.” Looking around, Mr. Bausch observed several students gathering around the scene. “Go on with your lifting!” he yelled. “Now isn’t the time to be watching me scold another for intellectual activities! Continue to make yourselves stronger! It’s never…” and his train of thought again disappeared.
Daniel could feel the heat of eyeballs focused on his being. Why couldn’t they mind their own business? It was their problem that he— well, you know (Oh wait, you don’t know, because we haven’t told you. Ha!). He shook off the thought and began to stare at Mr. Bausch, clapping his hands and stomping his feet in order to wake the sleeping 2,000 year old dragon. Eventually, Mr. Bausch’s snoring woke himself up. He jerked awake and saw Daniel’s eyes agape at his face. He slowly pushed Daniel’s face away and blew his whistle. It was time for the students to get cleaned up for the pep rally.
In the locker room, Daniel was faced by his friend Nic Snodingworth.
“Are you still thinking?” Nic asked.
Daniel, distracted by his football pads, didn’t answer. Nic was irritated. He hated waiting for answers.
“Are you still thinking?” Nic asked again.
Again, Daniel didn’t answer. Fed up, Nic went around behind the boy and yanked on his underpants. Daniel jerked into consciousness again.
“What’d ya do that for?” Daniel demanded, fixing his askew drawers.
“You weren’t listening to me. Anyway, are you still thinking?” Nic asked.
“About…?” Daniel questioned.
“About it.”
“Oh! It.”
“So?”
“What?”
“Are you still thinking about it?”
Suddenly, Daniel felt uneasy. Nic knew about the “it,” and had the courtesy not to say anything to anyone. Only one other person knew about “it,” but they couldn’t...well, they weren’t in a state to say anything.
“Only every day,” Daniel said. “Every day it haunts me. I can’t escape from what I’ve done!”
Nic wanted to make Daniel feel better about the situation, but he wasn’t sure how (nobody had ever done - to his knowledge - what Daniel had). As Nic was considering how to cheer up his friend, Daniel had wandered down the hallway, up the stairs, around the corner, through a clearing, around another corner, around ANOTHER corner, and down the hallway to his locker. Daniel was thinking again; thinking about the huge paper he had due for Mr. Bausch today in history. He had researched for weeks to gather enough information for his paper. Suddenly, (as he was thinking) he heard someone walking down the hallway (how he hoped it wasn’t Nic, he couldn’t handle an optimistic speech from his best friend… not now).
Slowly glancing up, Daniel saw who it was (just as she rounded the corner). Jeni Hestersee, the most popular girl in… actually, she isn’t that popular - she’s just kind of… there. Just as Daniel was becoming aware of how uncomfortable he was being alone with… HER, Jeni saw him.
“Oh, hi,” Jeni said.
“Hello.”
“So… How have you been?”
“Oh… Um… Good, you know. Good.”
“Oh, that’s good.”
“Yeah.”
Just as Daniel began to think about how uncomfortable this confrontation was, it got worse. Mr. Bausch, the oldest teacher he had ever seen in his entire life came strolling down the hallway.
“Stolmannesdale, Hestersee!” he shouted.
“Yes?” they replied.
“Don’t forget, that paper for me is due in…” (he checked his watch, which was an old sundial thing), “… about…” (he got out his glasses, he couldn’t see) “… two hours…”
“Okay,” said Daniel.
As soon as Mr. Bausch left, Daniel attempted to talk to Jeni again. She wasn’t interested in talking. They scuffled a bit and Jeni’s paper for Bausch fell to the floor with a… well, actually it didn’t make a noise (it’s paper). Daniel stooped to pick it up for her (like the gentleman he is). As he brought the paper up to his face, Daniel noticed something… something… amiss.
“This… this paper. I know this paper.”
“Uh… whert?”
“This paper very closely resembles that of my sister…”
“That is completely ridiculous, I wrote this myself.”
“No. It’s not. This is her paper! You… you… you PLAGIARIzed it!”
A silence fell through the hallway, you could hear a pin drop. Daniel could tell that Jeni was about to attempt a denial so he quickly explained that he wouldn’t tell anyone about the cheating. Daniel could tell that Jeni was thankful and he hoped that this would help to repair their shattered relationship.
As the two of them headed to the pep rally (at 7:30… before school), Daniel saw Nic and slipped away from Jeni so he could enjoy the celebration with his friend. The pep rally was quick and uneventful, Daniel spent the entire time… thinking. He was thinking about the plagiarism and how he promised Jeni he wouldn’t tell anyone… this is how his inner monologue sounded:
“You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone… but cheating is wrong… but you promised not to tell… What to do? What to do? Maybe… no… Uggghhhhh!”
Nic would have noticed that Daniel was upset, but he was having too much fun celebrating the fall sports and the big almost-win they had last Friday. They walked to their lockers at the conclusion of the rally where Daniel told Nic that he… had to take care of something. Nic nodded and wandered off to his first period class. AS soon as he was out of sight, Daniel slowly made his way to the office where he told Mrs. March that he needed to speak with the man in charge. She smiled and told him to wait in the uncomfortable chair nearest the door to His office. Suddenly Mr. Schwartz entered the office where he was told (by Mrs. March) that “this young man needed to speak with him.” He nodded and smiled at Daniel, then ushered him through the door. Once they were both in the room, Daniel closed the door behind him and slowly turned to face the principal.
“What would you like to discuss, my boy?”
Daniel sighed and opened his mouth to speak.