*WARNING*
Graphic descriptions ahead. Read at your own discretion.
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Ignore it, I coach myself as another wave of pain turns my stomach. It feels like someone is dragging a rolling pin from the bottom of my ribs all the way down to my navel.
I lean against a wall outside. Mikasa is kneeling on the ground a few feet away with Jean, tying a sling around his arm. He had injured his shoulder while deploying the thunderspears. Nothing major, thankfully. He rejected the idea of the sling at first. It wasn't until I not-so-jokingly offered to make his arm absolutely, 100% sling-dependent that he finally complied.
Some water was all Hanji needed to get back on track. And some bandages wrapped diagonally around her head to cover that eye, too. No doctor has taken an expert look at it yet, but the chances that she'll be able to use it in the future aren't forgiving.
She's not letting this possibly permanent inconvenience bother her, however. She wasted no time tossing Reiner's incapacitated body against a wall. Well, what's left of his body anyway. He's missing all four limbs. His face is unrecognizable; the skin pink and mostly muscle. The features are undefined. Steam wafts over him, and despite Hanji trying again and again to bait him, he doesn't speak.
"If you don't want to talk, I can't make you..." Hanji says debatingly. "You're a tough one. But I'll still ask— will you cooperate and tell us everything you know?"
Reiner's reply is short and sweet. "I won't." His voice rasps.
"Thank you, Reiner. It helps to see—"
"Is Jo there?" He interrupts. "I..."
The others look at me and quickly back at him, and I don't know what to say.
"I heard her earlier."
He cannot see anyone or anything thanks to the blindfold over his singed eyes. Hanji questions me with a raise of her eyebrow, but I shake my head. I can't. I don't want him to see me. I don't know why, but I fear I might get roped back into thinking he's human again. That he's not just some cold blooded killer slouched in front of me getting ready to atone for his sins. As he should.
"No, she's not." Hanji lies.
I see his mouth twitch. His pitiful effort at a knowing smile. "She told you to say that..."
"Well, Reiner. It helps to see that you're ready for death." Hanji gets up and wields her blade. Our breaths stagger as she pulls back and in one swift movement jabs the blade horizontally against his neck. There's a choking noise. Blood.
I'm about to say something. Exactly what, I don't know. But it doesn't matter because Jean beats me to it.
"Hanji, wait! We... We need him alive so we can steal his power!" He objected. But I can tell that history is what's prompting him to act out.
I'll give him props for coming up with such a concrete excuse, though. We do have a titan serum previously owned by Rod Reiss. My father acquired it during the chaos at Reiss's underground lair. But it's only enough to fill one syringe. Meaning it can only save one person from the brink of death.
I remember when the officials announced this groundbreaking information to us soldiers. We were sitting in the mess hall. I remember Commander Erwin handing the case with the syringe to my father, saying that it's power would be entrusted to him.
What I felt back then was wrong. I, along with many others I'm sure, couldn't deny the twisted envy growing in the pit of my heart. But the difference between myself and most is that if push comes to shove, I'd be willing to kill for it.
That syringe could save anyone. And knowing that this is our most predictably fatal mission yet...
I thought of Eren... I thought of my father... of Jean... if either of them were on the grips of mortality, about to slip away like water through the cracks between my fingers...
Well, I'm afraid to say I wouldn't hesitate. Not at all. I'd pry the case out of the grip of my dying father and inject it into him, or I'd wrestle my father for it so that I can use it on Eren or Jean.
I made my decision back then and I haven't had a change of heart. If it comes to it, I really will kill someone. That's the extent of my selfishness.
"We don't know the situation with Levi on the other side." Hanji contemplates. "The situation is too risky— they've beaten us before, I won't let it happen again. I refuse to underestimate their intelligence again." She says and inches the blade deeper.
Jean remains in opposition. "This isn't like you, Hanji. We need to find out everything about our enemy, or we'll lose."
I get an idea. "I'll go over the wall and check the situation." And make sure my loved ones are alive...
"How much gas do you have?" Hanji asks reluctantly.
I look down at the gear I retrieved from a mangled corpse on the way here. I checked the canisters earlier. It was mediocre luck at best, but hey, I was grateful to at least have gear. "Not enough to fight anything. It should get me to Eren and Armin, though."
"Well, that's more than any of us have." Hanji sighs as if backed into a corner. "Find Levi, Jo." She says, not too on board with her own decision. "Refill your gas when you find Eren and Armin, retrieve the syringe from Levi, and bring it back to me. If you're unable to do so— doesn't matter the reason— fire a smoke signal. That'll be my cue to kill Reiner."
"Understood." I salute, and without another word or look, I take off.
I curve any anxiety. Keeping my emotions at bay is the most beneficial thing right now. I can't let myself get distracted, especially flying with such a perilous amount of gas. Last time I did this, I was trying to save Armin and I ended up ten feet deep inside a titan's stomach.
Not that I wouldn't do it all over again if it meant he'd be saved. Saving someone... that's not something you ever regret, no matter the trauma.
I spot two figures on a roof and my spirits immediately rise. I feel lighter as I charge through the air towards them, landing confidently on the roof.
"Thank heavens, you're—"
But Eren is screaming, drowning out whatever I was going to say, and stopping to properly register the scene, it's almost foolish how I managed to glaze over it.
My own gasp makes me clamp my hands over my mouth. But I can't unglue my eyes from the charred cadaver lying flat on the rusty tiles. I don't know who it is, but I have an inkling. It's the confirmation I'm scared of.
I lock gazes with my father. The solemnity pulling down his dirtied, sweat-streaked face translates to a yes.
"Yes! Yes!" Eren's strangled cries are a mixture between anguish and relief. "Armin's still breathing! I can h-hear him! Don't give up!" He hunches over his childhood friend, slamming his fist on the roof desperately. "Keep going! Don't give up!"
Without even thinking, I unclip the flaregun from my waist strap and without looking I shoot it straight above me. Bang! Hanji better kill Reiner. I'm not going back anytime soon.
"Corporal, quick!" Eren yells at my father. "Get the syringe!"
Levi silently ruffles underneath his cloak to retrieve it.
"You're going to turn him into a titan?" I say weakly. I'm trying to ignore the sight of Armin's coal-burnt body and the fact that his skin is stripped beyond recognition. But even as I shift my gaze to Eren, the image is still burned into my mind.
"Yes, Bertholdt's right here! He can eat him!" Eren says briskly.
I hadn't even noticed Bertholdt's steaming body lying on the other end of the roof, severed in the same fashion as Reiner.
"Okay, okay." I whisper quietly, moreso to myself than to anyone else. It's going to be fine, stay calm...
I try to ignore the hint of reluctance in my father's frown.
I try to ignore the smell of burnt flesh.
I try to ignore the fact that Mikasa has just landed behind me.
I try to ignore the possibility that I might've been pregnant. And am no longer pregnant as of three or two hours ago.
I'm blocking it out, I'm shutting it out, I'm bottling it up and throwing it away because as long as I keep my sanity I can—
A pair of arms slam down on the edge of the roof.
No.
We freeze. The case is about to transfer out of my father's hand and onto Eren's, but it never makes the full journey.
It's not the red headed soldier that captures our attention, but the ashen and limp Commander strapped to his back.
"Corporal..." the soldier, Floch, hiccups. His eyes, wild and disturbed, are indicative. He's seen things horrible enough to earn him a lifetime of sleepless nights. "I finally found you. The Commander— he's hurt. His stomach is gouged. The blood won't stop! I thought that injection might help him, but... what do you think?"
The air is pulled taught with tension. Nobody moves. All eyes are on Corporal Levi. But Corporal Levi's eyes are trained only on Erwin.
The waters of conflict are easily provoked, but I wade through them despite it all. Before anybody can set anybody off, I lightly move towards Floch and help him onto the roof. In a manner of seconds we have Erwin untied and flat on his back. I wordlessly take a look at his ghastly wound and wave a finger under his nose.
"... Johanna?" Eren inquires. There is more fear than hope in his tone.
"He's..." My voice falters. I repeat myself so they can hear, "He's breathing."
The statement is enough to make Levi stand. His demeanor isn't cold— not yet— but instead burdened. He holds the case close to him. The case with the syringe that never left his grasp. At last, he says what we've been dreading:
"You know what has to happen. Erwin gets the shot."
Eren shoots up and gets in his face. I immediately stand as well, but I don't move. Even if I had done something, I'm not sure who I'd be defending.
Eren is stiff with outrage. He respects his higher up, but the fact that he is towering over Levi so boldly and unafraid comes as no surprise. "You can't." He says, and his voice shakes with dry anger. I notice the muscles in his back tighten. "You said you'd use it on Armin."
Now is the moment. Coldness takes over my father. His locked gaze is an icy dagger and I'm impressed that Eren hasn't backed off yet.
"I'm saving the man who can help humanity." He says imperatively.
I hear the shing! of a blade. Mikasa. But I don't look. I'm stuck staring at a spot on the roof underneath us, not really seeing. Not really here.
There's an angry pause.
"You two," Levi warns. "Do you have the faintest damn clue... of what you're doing? It's Erwin. The Commander of the Survey Corps. And you're telling me to just let him die?"
I hear the blade shake in Mikasa's hand, her grip sweaty.
"There's no time for this. Get out of my way." Levi says with finality.
It's as if Eren didn't hear him. He grasps the case, but it doesn't budge out of Levi's hands. The whole world seems to hold its breath.
"Eren... check your emotions." Levi is running thin on patience.
"Sorry, Corporal. I can't do that. Tell me, why didn't you give Armin the injection right away?" Eren's pent up ferocity is enough to make us all catch fire.
"I was thinking of Erwin. Considering the chance that he might be alive."
"You couldn't have known that Floch would carry the Commander all the way out here. There's no way you saw that coming. You agreed to Armin first. Johanna?"
I don't look at him or at anyone. I can't.
"Johanna, tell him!" Eren urges. "Armin should get the injection. Come on, Johanna, I know you agree..."
It's not until my vision is completely blurred that I register the tears streaming down my cheeks. I want the Commander to get the syringe, but I don't want Armin to die. I want Armin to get the syringe, but I don't want the Commander to die. I want to side with Eren because I love him. Because the last thing I want is to see him suffer. But its not enough to make me disobey my father. I just can't.
"Listen to me, Eren. The fact remains," Levi seethes, "He is here now. And I'm going to revive him."
I look up. We wait on each other. Silent.
Eren gives the case another tug.
Levi cracks his fist across Eren's face with the force of a sledgehammer. Mikasa gasps, I scream. Eren collapses and slides down the other side of the roof, the lividity almost knocked out of him.
"MIKASA, NO!" I shriek.
The grief-stricken girl lets out a primal cry and tackles my father down, her blade glinting lethally under the sun.
"GET OFF HIM!" I'm on her in a heartbeat, peeling her off before she can slice his neck wide open. She growls and forcibly throws herself back, making me slam me against the roof painfully.
We wrestle, rolling over and over until the shingles mark bruises blacker than night on our backs.
"Mikasa stop!" I hear Floch say.
But the girl can't be persuaded. We have our hands on each other's throats. She's on top, leaning over me, choking hard enough to make the blood pool at my head. Her tears fall on my face, mingling with mine. I'm immediately aware of how bad the situation is. I have no doubt in my mind she's relentless. The only choice I have is to hurt her back. Feeling around her waiststrap, I get ahold of her flare-gun and clobber her head with it. She winces, her whole body buckling. I easily kick her off to the side.
"Stay down. Stay down!" I snap at her and blood splutters onto her chin. My lip is bleeding.
I look up to see Levi by Eren, monitoring him. It doesn't seem like the titan boy can get up. When I look down at Mikasa again there's a hurt in her eyes. Not towards me personally, but towards her own defeat.
"You know that without Erwin's leadership, humanity can't beat the titans." Levi says, sweat making his hair stick to his forehead. "We can't."
"That's not true." I hear Eren say on the other side. There's grunting as he tries to get up. "Armin is just as important. Think about it- think about what he's done! If it wasn't for his plan with the boulder we never would've plugged up Trost! He's the one who realized what Annie was! It was his idea to avoid the titans by coming here at night! He's the reason we uncovered Reiner's hiding spot, and the only reason we defeated Bertholdt! We only got this far because of him! I can't save humanity and neither can the Commander, BUT ARMIN CAN!"
"You two are being selfish," Floch approaches closer.
I snatch the blade Mikasa had dropped and point it at him. "You shut up," I snarl.
To say he's taken aback is an understatement. "What?" He says, and fixes his voice to sound firmer. "Why should I? You and your friends think you're the only one's who've suffered through all this?"
"I said shut it." I repeat.
"Johanna." Levi warns.
"Not that you asked, but there isn't a single soldier left on that side of the wall," he points, "Commander Erwin formulated a plan to get the Beast Titan distracted. And they were all crushed to bits by rocks! Don't ask me why a coward like me survived, because I don't know! But when I saw that Commander Erwin was still alive, I almost finished him off myself."
This unexpected confession catches our attention.
"But I realized that death would be a mercy. I thought to myself, hey... he should taste more of this hell." Floch laughs weakly, "Suddenly, it all made sense. If we want to stand any chance against the titans, we need a devil! I realized that's what Erwin is, and it's my mission to bring him back! Because a sick monster like him needs to—"
I hit my breaking point. I lunge at him.
"NO, DON'T—"
My father's voice is cut short by another cry. I've got Floch pinned down about to shut him up for good when I stop and look back to see Hanji holding back Mikasa, who had made another attempt to attack Levi. Connie, Sasha, and Jean are here too.
Jean stares aghast at both Armin and the Commander. "No... don't tell me..."
"Get off of me!" Floch demands.
"You sniveling piece of shit!" I hold the blade at his neck threateningly. The audacity of this guy is callous enough to trigger me into doing something. Something I'll probably regret.
Levi opens the case and takes the syringe out.
Mikasa starts full out wailing, protesting against Hanji.
"I understand how you feel, but most of us are done for!" Hanji tells her sympathetically, "We can't afford to lose our Commander. The Survey Corps must endure!"
"But Armin is special! He can help us!" Mikasa reasons through sobs.
"Who are you siding with?" Floch writhes against me. "You should be locked up for attacking a fellow soldier, don't you know that's treason?"
"I don't think you're in a position to judge. You were going to kill the Commander! If you ask me, we don't need cowardly scum like you." I sneer, but I recognize that a prison sentence is the last thing I need right now. I begrudgingly get off.
Levi has filled up the syringe. He makes towards Erwin's body when something catches his foot.
"Corporal," It's Eren. He actually seems clearheaded now, his eyes pleading for one last reconsideration. "Have you ever heard of... the sea? It's like a lake, but enormous and so big that it stretches past the horizon, and it's full of salty water. Armin told me—"
"Hey!" Floch barks at him, ripping Eren's hand off Levi's boot. "Stop making this harder!"
"He told me there's a sea beyond the wall— that we'd go there together!" Eren persists.
Floch pulls him back crudely, but Levi is actually paying attention.
"I want to avenge my mom. I want to butcher all the titans. The only thoughts I have left are of hate! But Armin isn't like that, and he's lost just as much as me. Armin cares about more than fighting!"
"Everyone get the hell out of here!" Levi announces abruptly. He's obviously fed up with our antics. "I don't want Erwin to eat any of you when he transforms."
I try not to look at Mikasa's defeated expression or Eren's disbelieving one as I turn and leave with Jean's group, my heart reaching its lowest point in my chest, sunken and forlorn.
"Goodbye, Armin." Connie mumbles next to me just before we leave. "We'll miss you..."
They fly off, but something keeps me rooted for longer. I wait until everyone's gone and turn to look one last time at my father. He sighs as if preparing himself for a disappointed sermon.
"Someone once said..." I venture with a sad smile, "Sometimes you're going to have to make a choice. You can follow your friends, your peers, your comrades... or you can follow your gut. Just whatever you choose, make sure you don't regret it."
The tension in his posture releases. He considers me, a cross between surprise and affliction overtaking his expression. I cast a final look at Armin's body. "Bye, Armin." I say. I know he probably isn't conscious. He might actually be gone at this point. But it just feels right.
Turning away before I can get teary eyed again, I go and join the others.
꒰ 🥀 ꒱
The sun has descended into a 5 o' clock position in the sky, the clouds starting to gain a yellow tinge. The breeze is faint, and I watch as a flock of birds flies overhead, passive and unbothered, as if a bloodshed didn't take place here just two hours ago.
I'm sitting on top of the wall, resting back against a crate. I look down at Eren's sleeping head on my lap, his hair disheveled, every muscle in his body relaxed. The second he returned from his deserted childhood home after investigating the basement, this is what he did upon seeing me. Its just unfortunate that I'll have to disrupt his slumber soon.
I'm a sink overflowing with concerns that I don't know how to express. I'm out of touch yet dangerously aware of myself. I haven't felt any abdominal pain in almost 3 hours. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Footsteps approach from behind. I crane my head up and see Levi there. "We're ready to leave. Tell loverboy to get up. A dark, isolated dungeon at headquarters awaits him."
He turns and strolls away. I don't make any comments and just let him go. I know he's dealing with the recent events. Specifically his irreversible, monumental decision.
His decision to let Erwin go.
I know it's eating away at him, regardless of his moral code prohibiting any and all regrets. But he'll make peace with his choice eventually. Besides, the fact that we had to choose between two of humanity's greatest assets was unfortunate to begin with.
But Armin's going to be okay. Guilt-ridden, but okay.
The ten of us: Hanji, Levi, Jean, Sasha, Connie, Floch, Eren, Armin, Mikasa, and I make it back to Wall Rose by midnight with aid from the Garrison and their horses, since most of ours were killed. The crowds waiting for us at the gates, hundreds of people who had stayed up to greet us back, cheer and rejoice at the news of our victory. While it feels good to know that those lives lost weren't for nothing, to say we return absolutely fulfilled would be a lie. Keeping Reiner hostage was a priority, and in the end, even he got away thanks to the Beast Titan.
We arrive at HQ practically half-asleep. Everyone moves sluggishly as we unload the wagons and put the horses away.
"Need help?" Jean offers, jogging up to me as I carry a large crate of medical supplies and sleeping bags to the inventory closet. "You'd be surprised how useful I can be with one arm." He pats his sling.
"I've got it, wonderboy." I say jokingly. I walk in and lift the crate up, sliding it inside one of the higher shelves. "See? I'm a big girl."
"Whatever you say." He shrugs, leaning against the door frame. "Eren and Mikasa have been taken to the dungeons for their sentence. I hope they don't mind the occasional mouse scurrying around. They're going to be in there a good ten— ... you okay?"
I hold onto a shelf for support, my other arm wrapped around my stomach. I close my eyes and wait for the pain to subside, but it never does.
"Get me Hanji. Quick."
Jean leaves at once. I hear his running footsteps crunching against the gravel path outside. I slowly exit the closet and walk as fast as I can to the hospital wing where I know there's a bathtub. One time, back when we first arrived and Levi made us clean the entire place, I came in here cause I snagged my hand on a nail sticking out of the floorboards. I'd only come to get the cut disinfected, but I remember there was a soldier behind a shower curtain in an ice bath. He had full-body slammed against a tree during an ODM gear practice. I remember Hanji and Petra telling me it was miracle he wasn't paralyzed.
I shut the door behind me and rush to the tub, pulling the curtain back. I turn on the shower head and strip naked. I try not to gasp, gritting my teeth as I sit down in the tub, the ice cold water pelleting my hair as I settle in. Scrunching my eyes closed, I hug myself and ignore the cramping sensation spreading down my lower back, my front, and my thighs. More importantly though, I close my eyes to avoid looking at the water as it goes down the drain, afraid it won't be clear like it's supposed to.
This can't be happening... but it is. It is.
I hear the door open and close. Footsteps.
"Jo?"
In a manner of seconds the curtain is pulled back to reveal Hanji. Her face immediately pales.
Pain induced sobs rack my shivering body. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I can say. All I think of is—
"Don't tell Eren." I plead as she crouches down. She doesn't peel her gaze away from the water, which I suspect probably looks like a crime scene. I'm about to say some other nonsense when suddenly the throbbing pain intensifies and I grimace. I grip the edge of the bathtub and hold back a scream. What comes out is a mangled cry, a choked wail.
"Oh. Jo..." If she was clueless at first, she no longer is. Her voice carries that pitying tone— the kind you give a crying child who's just touched the stove.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I don't know what I'm apologizing for, but I feel the need to.
"Its going to be okay, shh... shh..."
I finally take a proper look at the tub and immediately regret it. The water is not tinged, but instead a deep crimson. I gasp at the sight of ... matter... floating towards the drain.
Hanji forces my head into her shoulder. "Don't look, don't look. It's okay."
The overwhelming desire to just run and hide and never be seen again crushes me. I want this to be over. I want to die.
"Hold on one second," Hanji says and she disappears, returning before I even notice her absence. She has a blood pressure cuff now, and is wrapping the cuff around my left arm.
"Jo?" She asks after a while of me not saying anything.
I blink slowly, trying not to make the tub in front of me blur so much, and I shake my head vaguely. Or maybe it's not a shake. More of a weak swaying motion. "I don't feel so good." Is all I have the energy to say.
"Yeah," Hanji regards after a couple pumps of the bulb and a glance at the small stopwatch. "You're losing too much blood. Come on—"
Come on? I don't really know what she means by that. I can't move. I can't move so much that the idea actually seems funny.
Hanji grabs a towel and drapes it over me, helping me stand up. Admittedly, she does most of the work because I'm protesting at the amount of sheer labor it costs me. Stepping out of the tub seems to take years off me, and the short stumble to the medical chair is nothing but a blackout because all I can focus on is the fact that it feels like someone is taking my pelvis and wringing it out like a towel.
I feel something thick slide down between my legs and I scream.
"Don't look!" Hanji cautions, forcing me to look forward, and she hastily sits me down on the chair.
She hurries around the room opening cabinets and gathering medical tools that I don't know the names of. I catch a glimpse of a dark red sack in her hands.
"I'm going to do a blood transfusion okay, so lie back."
I do as told. If it'll stop the bleeding or stop the pain, I won't even question it. This suffering is unlike anything I've ever felt before. I'm convinced that a hundred hot knives are raking me from the inside.
I stare at the ceiling and pretend I'm not here, that I actually died in the middle of the battlefield and this is just some bad dream. Yes, that's what it is. A twisted hallucination caused by chemicals rushing to the brain as my body succumbs to death. If this is just part of the process, then I suppose the pay off is worth it.
I know that Hanji has added something else to the IV stuck in my arm because my eyelids get heavy. I don't resist the weight and instead find myself welcoming it.
Finally, my senses flatten to a lull.
꒰ End of Chapter 17 ꒱