trigger warning: anxiety.
"I don't have a choice, do I?"
If it's what they want from me, then I guess.. I'd sacrifice my feelings over this matter and just do as they say. Mom said it, we're not together by the law. I don't have rights over her. Her parents are the only ones who could decide on this matter.
"Thank you." I just nod, letting my tears continue to flow.
I must've been very lacking in a lot of areas. Maybe learning how to do all sorts of house chores just for her, weren't enough in their eyes. I'm imperfect. They must want someone else for her, and.. I don't get why but I agree with them.
Our parents left to discuss more things. If they were planning on keeping her memories away from her, the truth about our relationship, then why are they making me keep everything? What? A souvenir? Is this my punishment?
"Kenma, why did you just agree on that?" Maki looked at me with so much pain in her eyes, I could only cry and accept their decision. "(Y/n) doesn't even like that..."
"We should complain.. Ena, Maki, and I will complain in your stead. They'll understand.." Honami's voice broke. I only cried more, feeling my chest pounding in pain.
"You heard my mom." They shook their heads. You guys are so stubborn. "Whatever she said is true and right. No matter how I want to decide on this for us.. I'm just her boyfriend." I let go of her hand. Mine are shaking.
"Then are you going to make her suffer for years?!" Ena yelled, sounding hurt and angry at the same time. I want to protest, but I don't have any say in this. "Do you actually think that you'd be the only one who'd be in pain?! For fuck's sake Kenma! She'd be searching for you.."
I can feel my heart ache more every second, every moment I think of her, every scenario I could imagine happening while I'm pretending to be someone she doesn't know. It hurts to even think about it, but what can I do? I'm nothing compared to her parents!
Yamamoto walks up to me and grabbed my collar, pushing me to the empty wall. He's crying too. He held his fist up and threw a punch to my face. I'll accept every punch he'll throw at me. It's one of my punishments for being me.
"Can't you understand how hard it is for all of them?!" He pushed me to the wall, making me let out a cough. "If you are hurt, then why can't you understand how they're feeling? Kenma you're hurting yourself! More than anyone in this room, you're the one she's spent most of her time with.. giving you what she has.. why??"
"Now do you know how hurt (Y/n) is to see you hurting her friend?" I ask, glaring at him. "If you understand then let go of me. I don't think you should even say anything about this." He threw another punch to my face.
"Do you think my matter's the same as yours? (Y/n) is laying on that bed, fighting for her life as we speak." He says, pointing to my sleeping girlfriend without breaking eye contact. "If you love her, then do what's right."
"Are you doing what's right? Honami's pregnant with your child. Before you mind other people's business, can't you mind your own first?" I grab his hands and push them off me.
"Both of you just stop!" We both turn to see Honami, chest heaving probably from all the crying. That or, she's having complications. "Neither of you are doing the right thing! You guys don't love us as much as we've loved you!!"
I move my jaw to see if my face hurts, it somehow does. But what hurts more is to see everyone opposing to my choice. They don't know the weight of what I'm carrying. They shouldn't try to change my mind, it's already filled with her.. don't fill it with something else.
"Honami, I'm doing this because I love her. Even if it hurts me, as long as she's with her family then I'm fine." I'm not her family, I'm just her boyfriend.. I'm nothing. "You should head home, you need to rest."
I take a seat beside the bed, holding (Y/n)'s hand tight. I want to keep holding on while I'm still allowed to. Love, why did this have to happen between us? We were getting there... we were going to get there already.. why did this have to happen to you?
At the side table rests the necklace and bracelet. The way how her eyes sparkled when she saw the gift warmed my heart, she was happy. Seeing her like that made me want to keep holding on to her.. the way how she smiles when she sees me.
When will I see you in that state again? Love please wake up, I love you.. Don't leave me.. I need your embrace.. Tell me we're going to be fine, that we'll push through this.. Let me hear you say you love me, you remember me. But it's no use.. you'll forget me.
Kuroo brought Ena home and came back for me. I need someone and I'm just thankful to have him with me for the very least. He got me clothes from home. He got me the jacket she gave me, maybe I can feel her embrace this way. It's from her.
I never thought it'd hurt. We were happy. Even when we had some downs while we were together, it didn't hurt me as much as it does right now. Is this why she was spacing out for two days? So that I'd already be prepared to keep having it that way?
Life must hate seeing us together. Mom said we were always together too, when we were kids. I paid attention to you a lot and I took care of you when you needed me. But then we also had to be separated back then, it happened again. We stick together just to be separated.
I felt something cold against my cheek, looking up to find Kuroo holding out a can of coffee for me. I take it from him, suddenly asking him to open it for me. I don't want to let go of her hand. I feel like she'd be cold the moment I let go. (Y/n), wake up...
"Do you really think your decision's right?" I shrug and drink from the can. "You're a genius but a dumbass in these types of situations." I turn to him as I glared, why the hell is he trying to annoy me now?
"What do you want?" He flicked my forehead, making me back away immediately.
"(Y/n)'s usually the dummy when it comes to academics, but she's the genius when it comes to something like this." (Y/n) and I are opposites in that aspect, that's why we help each other out. "Have you forgotten how to live without her?"
"What the fuck are you trying to say?" He growled, making me roll my eyes.
"I'm saying that, you forgot how to think through these things the moment you included her in everything." Is he trying to insult her? "You forgot how to think for yourself, you always think of things for the two of you. Definitely (Y/n) would oppose to this if she was awake and if you were the one unconscious. She'd protest until she could get what she wants."
"Then that'd be being selfish and stubborn." He suddenly smacked my head while I was drinking. I almost spat out the coffee.
"It's being selfishly selfless. She might seem selfish to you every time, stubborn at most.. but all the time she's just being selfless. You... forgot how to be selfish." I place the coffee on the side table, letting go of (Y/n)'s hand to face him properly. "Your decision is making you selflessly selfish. If it's 1:100, then you've hit 1, (Y/n) would've hit 100."
"Are you saying that.. (Y/n)'s decision would've hurt less people?" He nodded and drank from his can of coffee. "If hitting 100 was the better side, then why is 1 not a better choice?"
"1 signifies you and yourself only. Do you really think that her parents desire their child to just forget about everything? But meh, you never change your mind." I turn to (Y/n), imagining if I was in her shoes.
I think I understand what he meant. (Y/n) really would bug anyone, protesting to change their decisions. But if she knew better then why'd she end up here? She... right. She left the venue just to buy me a gift to make me happy, it came out to be the complete opposite.
"You should sleep on the other bed, I'll watch over the two of you." I shake my head and he pulled me up by my shirt.
"Don't you have classes tomorrow?" He shakes his head as takes a seat. I want to stay there.
"College doesn't work that way." I'm not dumb. "And she won't die just because you're asleep.. so rest. You look like shit." Sometimes I just want to hit him, if we weren't friends maybe I did already.
I looked at (Y/n) for a few seconds, getting Kuroo's coat thrown to my face. I want to hit him so bad. But I guess I shouldn't look at (Y/n), all she can do to me right now is make me cry. I hope she wakes up soon, even if she doesn't remember me.
I lay in bed, covering myself with the blanket to hide my view of her. This is hard. Didn't know that the two days was just a free trial, never knew I'd get the premium subscription of unconscious (Y/n).
Right now, all I can think of is what I should've done in the past to prevent the accident. Of course, it should've been that moment I decided to get closer to her. I should've been satisfied with seeing her happy without me, but I still went ahead and did everything.
It's my fault. Why did I have to pay so much attention to her? Look where we ended up in.. she nearly died for the third time. What if it's true? That I'm really a curse to her. She always gets hurt whenever she's with me. May it be physically, mentally or emotionally— she always gets hurt.
"One day, you'll bring pain to all of your friends. One that none of them will ever forget."
I sprang up from the bed, feeling my chest heave from the nightmare. Weren't those the words that (Y/n) always talks about? Why can I hear them in my head too? Am I hearing them because I keep thinking of her? But that's impossible.
I have to go back to sleep, I can't keep staying like this. I wouldn't be able to do anything if I stay this way. We have school tomorrow and I have to go, they said I need to go. But I really wish not to go.. I prefer staying beside her until she wakes up.
Hey what if, she and I never met at all? What if I never befriended her when we were kids? Well I can't really say anything, I don't remember anything from that point of time. But there are just so many what if's that keep running in my head even when I'm asleep.
What if I never helped her to the infirmary? What if I never searched for her when she left home? What if I just treated her like a nuisance all along? What if we were never seatmates? What if I rejected every single thing she tried doing for me? What if I made her nightmare true?
There are many more. So many other possibilities but I still chose the same path and that choice put her in danger. I put her in danger then, I put her in danger now. Everything that's ever happened to us is my fault and no one else's. That's why I accept her parents' decision wholeheartedly.
News immediately spread around the school that the student council president is in a coma at the moment. I came because Kuroo dragged me out of the hospital to attend classes. I cried. Why? Because her seat is empty, and it might continue to be empty for months.. Please don't be.
"Kenma.." I turn to see Maki. Her eyes are filled with tears, sadness, hope, anger.. despair. "Have you truly decided to keep her memories away from her?"
"Maki.. I can't change her parents' decision." She looked down, a painful smile forming on her face.
"Okay.. I'll have the news written by the press.. that no one shall ever remind her of the two of you." She bit her bottom lip and tears started to flow from her eyes. "You're doing this because you love her right?"
"There's no other reason for it.. I'm sorry." She shook her head, looking up to smile at me. She turned around and ran out of the room. I'm really sorry.
The teacher arrived and I took my notebook out, putting it away when my tears fell on it. I can't do this. I can't sit here.. it feels so empty. I feel so empty. Why does it hurt? I'm just her boyfriend.. we're not even sure if we'll ever last until the end. There are other guys for her too.. so why does it hurt so bad?
I tuck my head in my arms that were on my desk, quietly crying as the teacher discussed a new lesson. Normally when I'm down like this, (Y/n) would pat my back and kiss my head. She'd try to cheer me up, but right now.. I have no one.
I take my bag and run out of the room, I can't breathe. I can't breathe fucking hell. Why does it have to be her that's receiving the bad end?! Why can't it just be me? Why can't I just be the one who's in that situation? It's always her! Fucking— it's all my fault.
I fell to my knees the moment I went inside the infirmary. I can't keep myself steady anymore. My back hit the door, catching the nurse's attention. He immediately rushed to me, asking question's that I couldn't comprehend..
I can feel my heart immensely pounding in my chest, my head spinning insanely that my vision's blurred. I hit my chest with my fist, fucking anxiety.. stop.. please.. My neck, it's as if someone's choking me to death.. I can't breath in air, it's not.. please.
I don't know what happened but I fell unconscious. Shouldn't I just die already? There's no use.. I'm a curse to her and I will be to everyone. I should just disappear.. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I can shoulder everything.. I just don't want to see people get hurt anymore..
Why does it have to be us who's cursed? Why does it have to be me who's cursed? Everything's my fault. I'm not enough. I will never be enough for her. If I lacked something then, and I still lack whatever it is now.. (Y/n) needs someone far better than I am. She needs the best.
I woke up hours later. The only thing that was in my head, the only person that was in my dream.. why does it have to be her? Why can't I think of anything else? Why is she the only one that comes to mind? I want to be free from the guilt.. but why is she the only one I could ever think of?
I fell more than I should've that's why I can't let go. I have to though.. I'm not the one for her. She needs someone that can take care of her, that can impress and win her parents' heart completely.. She needs someone that's stronger. She doesn't need me..
"Oi, you just woke up and the first thing you do is cry?" Tora.. "Maki said you're really going to do what they said.. aren't you in pain? You ran here because of your anxiety.. Why?" He's in pain too, why? Why is he hurting?
"I'm not her husband... we don't have a relationship that I can really say she's mine." I wish she was mine. "Her parents have the last word, I don't have anything to do with that."
"Kenma, can you even imagine how (Y/n) would be once she wakes up?" I bury my face in my hands and cry. I've thought of every possible thing.
"She wouldn't be able to remember me either way.. What's the point?" I want to be with her, but I can't. "She won't search for me, she won't ask of me.. She doesn't know me.. so why should I even try?"
"Isn't you loving her enough for you to keep fighting for the both of you?" Why does his words hit me so hard? It hurts.. "What if she searched for answers? Will you keep hiding them from her?"
I just woke up, why are we having this conversation? Shouldn't he be asking me if I'm fine? Why is he trying to trigger another attack? I don't want to hear any of this.. I don't even want to think of her but she just pops inside my head. I hate this.. I hate that I love you so much..
"Why are you involving yourself? Stop it.. I don't want to hurt anyone else.." I sat up and hugged my knees close to my body, crying nonstop as I try to debate with myself.
"You're already hurting so many.. Kenma can't you see that? Ena didn't even come to school, Honami's at home too.. Maki's crying in the council room. Lev is panicking, we both are. We don't know what can cheer the girls up.." I hate myself.. "They're struggling.."
"Then do you think that I'm not?! She's my girlfriend for fuck's sake! I was with her before she even left! It makes me hate myself that I couldn't protect her.. Do you even know how painful it is to hear that her parents don't even trust me anymore?!" I should be the one on that bed.. not her.. She doesn't deserve any of this.
"You're really an idiot. Are you going to continue watching her from a distance now on?" Stop it.. I don't want any of this.
"You know my answer, please stop talking about her.. I don't even want to remember that I'm the reason why she's in the hospital." I grab a handful of my hair, wishing he'd just shut up and leave me alone. Stop reminding me of her.
"You're not the reason why she's there, stop blaming yourself." That made me jolt up and punch his face.
"Are you blaming her?" Don't blame (Y/n).. she doesn't deserve any of this. Stop it..
"She's not to be blame either, just curse the heavens for separating the two of you! Find someone else to blame, not yourself.. not her! Just get yourself together!" Blame who...? I don't want to blame anyone.. I'm at fault for everything.
Can't the heavens just take me instead? Can someone just fucking rewrite history? Can someone just change our lives? Don't ever let me meet her.. when we were kids, in middle school.. now.. I don't want her to be included in my life if I only end up hurting her every time.
I tried my best to calm down, thinking of something else to do. I have to try and practice how to fake everything. I need to fake everything.. If I want to do YouTube, I need to act like I'm fine.. I need to act like I still want to live. I'm so done with myself.. I don't want.. someone..
I headed out and saw the time. It's already time for club activities. I quit volleyball since I really have nothing to do anymore, Inuoka's already appointed as the next captain. I don't have any place to go..
I was about to leave after getting everything under her desk, she still has the box. Her eyes were smiling too, her lips weren't the only one forming a smile. I want to see her like that again. I want to see her smile at me, I want to hear her cheering me on.. I want a hug from her.. (Y/n) please..
I was walking through the hallway when I came across the council room. I stopped walking when I heard Maki's sobs. I contemplated for a while before entering the room. Everyone was inside, Lev was trying to comfort her.
"K-Kenma-senpai.." I give the student a nod, just standing by the door as I watched Maki cry.
"What are you doing here? Oh, are you here to pick her stuff up?" I walk to (Y/n)'s desk, seeing the amount of paperwork she left. "W-We'll fini—"
"Give me everything that she needed to finish, I'm doing them." Maki opened her mouth to speak but I had to cut her off. "Just give me what my girlfriend was supposed to do."
I had to assure them that I'll be fine before they completely gave me everything. (Y/n).. you were stressing out over these? Why didn't you tell me..? I could've helped. I've watched you do this, but I never knew the true amount of what you were supposed to be finishing.
"Y-You're about to cry.." Maki says, making me wipe my tears immediately.
"I'll be fine.. it's for her."
"You love her that much.. why do you guys have to be hurting so bad?" I don't know the answer to that too, Maki. All I can say is that it's okay to take the blame, the pain.. as long as I know that she's happy.. she will be even when she's not with me.
And my routine of heading to the council room continued. I said that I'll shoulder her responsibilities while she's away, informing them not to ever tell her that I did this for her. I've gotten more work every single day, they never stop coming.
I always head to the hospital after classes to check on her. I would sleep there to watch over her. I do everything I need to do in her room, studying or whatever it is. I stay in the hospital until sunrise, rush back home to get changed and go to school.
The amount of things that I had to do was more than I expected. I had to write all the notes for her, do council work, watch over her, study, rush back and forth to the hospital, cheer her friends up.. I had to work alone in everything.
It's been a month since the day she got into the accident. A lot are still protesting over how I didn't want to change my decision on not helping her remember her memories. I have to exclude myself from her life if I want her to live better than how she is living now.
I started doing YouTube. My handler's Kodzuken, at least.. even when I'm away from her, she's still a part of the reason why I'm going on with life. She picked that name out for me, one of the simplest things that made my heart jump.
I don't sleep to fit everything in my schedule. I'll do everything just for her. Even if it kills me. If I do sleep, it lasts for about 30 minutes to 2 hours at most. I'm scared of sleeping and falling unconscious all of a sudden. Her smile's the first thing that I see when I close my eyes.
I also decided to start on trading stocks, it really helped. All of this is for her, easy or not, I'll keep on doing it. She must be proud of me, if only she was awake and nothing bad had happened to her. Maybe I might've heard her say, "Love I knew you could do it! I love you!", or maybe I'm mistaken.
I'm at the hospital, watching over the sleeping beauty. She's still so beautiful even when she's asleep. I hope.. I pray that she will wake up.. and she'll be her bright usual self. Her smiled would be the best reward to all my hard work.
"Woah, a thousand subcribers in less than a month.. and life span shortened too." Kuroo says, giving me a serious look after searching my channel in YouTube.
"Wouldn't it be better that way? That my life span will shorten and I could just die?" He scoffed and hit my head, making me hold on to the wall for support. "I feel sick."
"You're such an idiot.. of course you feel sick. You've been overexerting yourself! You barely sleep, eat and go out under the sun!" His voice's is echoing in my head. My world's spinning.
"Sorry.." And with that I dropped to the floor.
Maybe it was a relief that I fainted here in the hospital, but I feel like I prefer fainting somewhere far from here. Could there have been a possibility that I'd die? Hmm, there could've been. But I have to live until I could see her smile again, even if it's not for me.
I wonder what (Y/n)'s going through while she's unconscious? Is she thinking of something even when she's in that state? Can she? If she can, I hope that I'm the one she's thinking of.. even when she'd only forget who I am once she wakes up.
This must be what they say about loving someone.. be ready to accept all the consequences once you make a mistake. Get ready to feel the pain of losing them.. being away from them. Get ready to lose yourself after losing the one you love.. it truly hurts.
I must've started too early, turns out that I wasn't ready for any of that just yet. It's my fault for entering something I wasn't ready for. My innocence was taken away, my well being's been long gone.. ever since I started seeing that I was actually just causing her pain.
Just how much do I love her? Why am I doing so many ridiculous things just for her? Does she even love me as much as I love her? Would she even do the same things just for me? Would she trouble herself like how I am if I were the one fighting for my life?
"You guys don't love us as much as we've loved you!!"
Right.. (Y/n) would. She definitely would. She hates it when she's not included, she sulks over it. She probably would've done more than what I've done. She would protest and make my parents change their minds of keeping my memories away from me.
(Y/n).. we fell too much for each other but we couldn't step back out when we were already in danger. We still kept on going even when it was hurting us already. Why did we do this to ourselves (Y/n)? Why did we have to love each other more than we should?
I woke up with an IV inserted in my hand, I'm really sick. I even have an oxygen mask on, how exhausted am I? How much have I overexerted myself? But.. it's okay.. for her, everything is worth it. Just wake up and be fine, (Y/n).
"I don't know why I have an idiot as a friend." Kuroo comments as I sit up, taking the mask off my face. "Stop starving yourself and eat properly, sleep as much as you need." I shake my head, holding on to it when I felt dizzy again.
"Go back to your apartment.. Ena needs you with her." Just then he showed me his phone. "... Make sure Kenma rests, I'll be fine— Ugh just leave me here."
"Girlfriend's orders." He said as he shook his head.
Now that I think of it, Kuroo and Ena started living independently. Aren't they scared that they would be separated from each other? Just like (Y/n) and me.. we just discovered that we weren't meant for each other.
"How does it feel to live with your girlfriend?" He raised his brow, smirking when he probably realized what I just asked.
"We could do everything we want everyday.. though it is hard when we argue. Ena would be sulking then she'd sleep on the couch, but of course I'd carry her to the bedroom and I would sleep there instead." They're almost like a married couple.. "I'm her only companion, you know about her past.."
"It must be nice to see her everyday the moment you wake up in the morning." I suddenly remember how (Y/n) would wrap her arms around me and kiss me. "Aren't you scared of being separated?"
"Of course I am."
I don't think he should be scared of anything though, but I couldn't say anything about that. I was the exact same. I believed that nothing would ever happen to us, but look at where we're at right now. She could die any moment, and so can I.
I open my phone to check if mom messaged me or anything, finding a ridiculous amount of notifications. YouTube..? A video got 200k views.. "(Y/n) look I—!" I turn to her and it struck me, she's unconscious.. she wouldn't be able to see it.
"I feel bad for you." Yeah, I know that Kuroo.
I haven't cried for days, but with that one mistake of thinking that she's awake made me cry. I forgot that she's unconscious.. I forgot that she's still sleeping on that bed. I forgot that it's my fault for getting her into an accident.. I'm so sorry.
Love, wake up.. You're alright, right? You said you wouldn't die until you have your own family.. please wake up. Even if I wouldn't be the man who'd say I do, as long as you could have your wish come true.. then it's fine for me. But please, wake up..
I've made a mistake for giving in to my curiosity. Ever since I saw her in middle school, when she felt so familiar to me.. I started looking for her everywhere I went. I should've just let her be.. I shouldn't have been nosy. I did this to myself..
Her parents have been coming less these days so I mostly watch over her. I don't even know why I'm still coming over here to watch over her when she wouldn't be mine once she wakes up. She'll be searching for someone new, then she'd be someone else's.
Kuroo said I should go home to get a change of clothes for my stay in the hospital during the weekends so we went home. He went to my room to rest. I went to the bathroom right away to take a shower and clear my head, but how? When it's full of her..
When did I first started to actually involve myself with her..? I think it was when she disappeared. That day when I found out about her leaving without a word, for some reason my heart just started to pound out of guilt. I was scared when I heard that (Y/n) left. I was incredibly happy when I saw her again.. and..
"Kenma! Don't cut yourself!" He took the scissors from my hand and I was pushed back to my desk, the picture frame falling to the floor. "Don't be an idiot! Even if she's not here, can't you stay sane?! What if she actually remembers who you are?! What would you do if she blamed herself once she sees you like that?!"
No.. the picture frame.. I have to get it cleaned up. But.. what's this piece of paper? I never put something else but our picture. Curiosity.. kills the cat. Kenma, you're pathetic.
"Hi Love,
I know I know.. I just found out about the tumor and I'm already acting like this. But who cares? You'd probably be seeing this after 3-4 years? Hihi, just a letter from your very incredible girlfriend.
First of all, I love you. I'm writing this letter because I know how much you'd be struggling once I lose my memories. You'd probably do everything you can or maybe even more, but please take care of yourself. Once I remember you, I wouldn't want to see you looking so tired.. so please, mind yourself first before me.
Second, I love you haha. You don't know how scared I am to find out that I'd be losing my memories.. to be forgetting you.. I said that I will never forget you but look, the possibility came. I'm sorry if I hurt you during the time that I couldn't remember who you are. But I know that, I will be able to feel it.. that you're someone special to me.. once that time comes please do let me know who you really are to me.
Third, I love you. Do you know why I'm writing this letter? It's because I know that you'd be blaming yourself over something so stupid. It's clear to us that it isn't your fault. We both know that the tumor grew on its own.. so please don't hurt yourself while I'm still trying to remember everything.
Fourth, I love you and I know that you love me. If ever an unknown force would disrupt our relationship, my parents would probably come to a decision of keeping you away from me. I don't know but it just seems that way.. by then, fight for us.. please? Don't leave me..
Thanks for everything, Love. I'm really happy that I got together with you. Smile when I'm not around and stay on your feet. I know you're just as scared as I am. I love you, Kenma.
Sincerely yours and yours only, (Y/n)."
The moments we spent together were filled with laughter, smiles, kisses and hugs. Maybe we made love and it probably felt good to be with each other. We went through ups and downs, we went through a lot.. I know that it hurts to say this but.. I can't say yes to your request.
I'm really sorry.. but I really do love you, (Y/n). That's why I'm doing this. Forgive me once you remember everything, I'm so sorry... I'm sorry, Love.
- Was yours but wouldn't be yours then,
Kozume Kenma.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<3