Hey!! Just wanted to share my new Home Screen!!! I love it so much!(^header photo^). 😭😭
TESSA.
I walk slowly down the basement steps, the sound of paper shredding and loud sighs can be heard as I inch my way closer to Emery.
My heart is beating really quickly, and my gut has butterflies swarming around. I hate how nervous I get when I talk to Emery. I hate how I brought this onto myself by yelling at her this morning, and making her mad. But I also hate that I can't stop her terrible behavior from happening. Why can't she just listen to me? Why does she listen to Hardin and not me? Probably because she loves Hardin more than me...
"Mom..." she says, bringing me out of my terrible thoughts. I look up at her, realizing that she's not shredding paper anymore and is now standing in front of me.
"Sorry..." I trail off, "I wanted to ask if you would like to help me bake cookies for the neighbors?" I ask, and she lets out a laugh. I furrow my eyebrows confusingly at her and she catches on.
"Oh! Dad told me you would come down here and ask." She begins, "He said I have to help you." She rolls her eyes, "so I guess I'll help."
I feel a pang of sadness, not only because she doesn't actually want to spend time with me, but because Hardin had to tell her she had to and she actually listened. I'm going to have to speak to Hardin about that. I hate how he tries to spare my feelings by making Emery say and do things to please me. I want her to want to do them herself. It's like him asking someone to be my friend because no one else wants to.
"Okay..." I trail off as she stomps up the steps. Today is just not a good day for me.
I enter the kitchen and grab a bowl and some cookie dough from the fridge. "This'll be easier than making them from scratch. Although they won't be as delicious." I laugh lightly, and Emery gives me a small smile.
We start mixing up all said ingredients into the bowl and lay them on a pan. "Hey, where did dad put my phone?" She asks and I shrug.
"I don't think he left it up here. Maybe he took it with him."
"Of fucking course he did." She rolls her eyes and I glare at her. I decide not to say anything about her language in front of me. We've fought enough today.
"Maybe it's okay that he took it. You can talk with me." I smile softly, and she shrugs.
"I guess."
I stick the cookies in the oven, trying to ignore her answer to my offer. "Oh! Em, I was going to get the mail this morning and the new neighbors have a teenager your age!" I sing excitedly as I set the oven.
"Oh really?" I can tell she's interested, but she tries not to show it.
"Yeah, and he's really cute! He was getting the mail the same time I was."
"He's a morning person? No thanks." She giggles a tiny bit and my heart rate speeds up. I'm making her laugh! I shouldn't be so excited about this...
"No! But he had dark hair, it was long on the top, and a little curly—" I look up to see Emery looking at me, listening intently to my description. "Can you tell that I really got a good look?" I giggle lightly. Talking about guys really brings out the old college me. I never was one to talk about guys but once I met Kim we would text each other if we saw a cute one. Of course, I was really secretive of who I thought was cute for Hardin's sake. He didn't take that type of news well.
"He sounds cute." Emery shrugs, looking around the kitchen awkwardly.
"So here's my plan." That catches her attention, and she furrows her eyebrows. I give her a smug grin as I lean against the island like her. "We'll go up and you'll hold the cookies and I'll introduce you as my daughter and she'll have to bring him downstairs to say hello and you give him a cookie!" I clap my hands together, "Perfect first impression."
Emery rolls her eyes, scoffing as she gets up. "Not everything goes the way you plan mom. I'm not going over there. You're on your own."
My smile fades as she makes her way down the basement steps again. Damn it... maybe she isn't ready for another relationship? But what happened was a year ago, and she's been going out to parties. No, calm down. It isn't your choice to decide of she's ready or not. My subconscious tells me and I can't help but reluctantly agree with her. Although I wish I could fix everything, I can't push her. "Oh, okay! I'll leave you some cookies anyways."
Once she disappears I try my best to hold my posture. Why do I always fuck up our conversions? I got too comfortable and started talking too much! I take a deep breath, wiping the tears that were threatening to spill and turn to watch the timer for the cookies.
Fifteen minutes is a long time. And all I feel like doing is laying in bed with Hardin and crying in his arms. He always makes me feel better about myself, and about my parenting, no matter if the words he says are true or not.
I sigh, leaning my elbows on the island counter and putting my head in my hands. "Fuck." I squeak, trying to keep my emotions at bay. It'd be stupid to cry right now.
The door opens as two happy, smiling, laughing, joyful boys walk in. I look up and Hardin's smile completely vanishes. "What happened?"
I shake my head vigorously, not wanting him to bring attention to me especially with Auden beside him. "Nothing, I was cutting onions." Wow, that makes no freaking sense.
He furrows his eyebrows, also confused by my choice of an excuse but nods. "Okay, did she help you make your cookies?"
I put my face in my hands again, "Yeah, she's downstairs now." I mumble into my hands, and I feel Hardin's hand rub on my back.
"Aw, I'm sorry, baby. I told her—"
"I know you did." I don't even want to hear him say 'I told her to hang out with you.' That'll make things worse for me.
"I'm going to go see how she's doing with those papers." He leans down and kisses my cheek, softly petting my hair before walking towards the basement steps.
Auden is already long gone upstairs, so now I'm alone in the open living room, dining room, and kitchen.
The steps creak as Hardin appears from the basement. He walks over and puts his hand on my back again. "You alright still?"
I let out a small laugh, "yeah, Hardin." He pats my back lightly.
"Emery still has a shit load of papers to shred, and I don't think Auden is coming down here any time soon so how about we make this alone time useful?" He asks, and I huff. I hate to be annoyed at him, but I can't believe he can bring up sex after just catching me crying. It would be a great distraction, yes, but it doesn't fix everything. Not anymore.
"Do you think about anything else?" I ask rudely; More rude than I intended.
"What?" He questions, and I roll my eyes.
"Sex doesn't fix everything Hardin. You just walked in on me about to cry and that's what you're thinking about?" I try to keep my voice quiet, but it's enough to show my frustration. My voice is squeaking from all the emotions I feel.
Hardin chuckles softly, "no, baby. I meant watching a movie on the couch to help you feel better, or going on a walk together, or— if you wanted— then yes, I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of..." he looks around, before whispering "fucking."
I feel my cheeks heat up at my assumption and I immediately look down feeling embarrassed. "Oh..."
Hardin laughs harder, cupping my cheeks with his hand and bringing my lips to his. "Whatever you want to do."
I press my lips together in thought before smiling up at him. "Can we do all three of what you suggested?"
He smirks, "which one first?"
I pretend to think for a second to tease him, "well, the last one sounds promising—"
Before I can finish my thought he has lifted me up over his shoulder, and I squeal. "No! You didn't let me finish!" He takes long strides to get to the steps of the upstairs, and I gently hit his back with my fist. "I was going to say, 'but the first one is probably best because—" I lower my voice, "the kids are awake."
He stops immediately, his foot hovering over the first step. "Fine. The first one."
I start to giggle uncontrollably at his playful behavior, my head aching from being upside down. "Put me down now!"
He chuckles and flings me down on the couch. He hushes me as my giggling increases, "Shhh! We don't want the kids to think we're having fun. They'll try and join us."
I scoff, clutching my aching stomach. "Auden might."
"Well, Emery too." He adds, and I shake my head.
"She won't come out here if I'm out here." I laugh pathetically, trying to make a joke but it's more serious than anything.
He gives me a sympathetic look as he tries to squeeze himself between me and the couch. "I hate that she does this to you."
I laugh a little, but it's mostly to hide the ache in my heart. "You know, it's kind of like you and your father."
"Yeah, but I had a reason to hate him. She has no reason to hate you, yet here she..." he stops himself and I twist my body around to look at him. He's now pressed against the couch cushions and my body, spooning me.
"What?" I ask, although I know what he was about to say. He was about to tell me how here she is hating me for no reason.
"Nothing."
"No, I know what you were about to say. You can say it because it's true." I sigh, and he squeezes my hip.
"No, it's not. Forget I said anything. She loves you. You're her mum, of course she loves you."
I scoff at his attempt to take back his words. "Yeah well, you don't love your father-"
"I never said that. You know I..." he pauses, "you know I do." He always refuses to say he loves his father, but that's not the point. There was once in his life where he hated his father, and even if he loved him then too he was too caught up in hating him to show it and I think that's how Emery is with me. Hell, he even hates his real father, Vance. Not so much anymore but he hated him for a long while once he figured out the whole biological dad crap. But maybe this time Emery doesn't actually love me at all, because I have given her no reason to hate me in the first place, haven't I?
I feel an ache in the back of my eyes and I sniffle. It has gotten too personal for my liking right now. I want to tell Hardin everything with my thoughts and feelings but that has to be saved for later when we are closed off into our bedroom. I don't want the kids coming down here and seeing me crying. They'll think something is very wrong and I don't want that. "Let's just forget about it. We can talk about it later. Let's watch something funny." I say, changing the subject.
Hardin rubs his hand up and down my hip to comfort me as I switch through channels, stopping at a funny Adam Sandler movie. But of course, before I can begin the movie the oven beeps from the kitchen, bringing me up and rushing to get the cookies out to cool.
◉‿◉
𝙰𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛'𝚜 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎
Just so you all know, I do not have kids so if this isn't how it's like being a parent then, sorry...
I won't be writing any smut in this book, but I have already written a few make-outs and dirty talk. I'm fine with writing dirty talk and make-outs, but I don't feel comfortable writing the descriptive smut that everyone looks forward to. I'm sorry!
Although this book lacks their key way of forgiving each other or ending an argument (AKA sex), Hardin still has his dirty mind. I'll try to stay as accurate as possible.
Even though there will be no sex scenes, that doesn't mean this book is PG. There will be a lot of emotional problems and real struggles such as depression and a form of abuse. But if you have read the After series, then you are prepared! This is nothing compared to the original book.
I hope you're okay with no smut! And if you aren't I am sorry...
Chapter Three: Sept. 23, 2020