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kylo woke up from the same utopian dream that you had. his mind was spinning, and all of the emotions he tried to push back- came at him like a speeding train.
he should have been the one of run away. he should be the one that fears love more than you. he should be the one to push you away and never look back.
but that just wasnt the case.
it almost made kylo mad in a sense that you were more broken than him.
how could a person even think that? especially about the person they love- loved?
did kylo still love you? he didnt know. he didnt even know if when the words spilled out that night he meant them. i mean, how could he still love you- if he did ever love you in the first place, after you pulled a stunt like that?
these were the questions that kept kylo thinking 24/7. new ones would appear and take over, distracting him from the question he was dwelling on just a few hours ago. he couldnt seem to stop his- what seemed to him, never ending train of questions...thoughts.
it wasnt like he had anyone to go to and talk about this with. everyone he was near was either scared or hated him. he tried asking his grandfather for assistance, but he got no answer- as usual.
kylo has attempted to reach out to him many times before, but he always failed.
did darth vader see kylo has a failure? a failure because of how the pull to the light is getting stronger each day?
kylo decided that he needed to resist the pull...for the sake of continuing what his grandfather started. but was that what kylo truly wanted? or was that what snoke had shoved into his brain all those years ago while training him?
"no. i will resist the pull for the sake of the first order and my own well-being." kylo stated out loud, hoping that if he announced it to himself that he would start believing it. but he knew what he was saying was false.
if he was truly doing it for himself, then why was it causing him so much pain?
kylo realized that the reason why he was refraining was because if he did just surrender to the light, that would mean that you won...in a sense. it wasnt like you were purposely trying to get him to the light, but it still felt as if he did- it would mean he was defeated by a person who broke him, and he couldnt have that.
he needed to be the winner of this battle. even if it caused him a great deal of suffering.
but kylo thought for a split second, what is so bad about giving up? if it rids this agony, then why not just submit? if it means being able to be with you, so be it.
wait...no. it would show weakness. it would so vulnerability, and softeness. it would show defeat.
kylo hated how conflicted he was. it angered him how human he acted. sometimes he just wished that he was born without a heart, so it would make life easier. but having a heart was what made life enjoyable for him. it meant that when he was with you, he was able to actually feel the joy that came with your presence. but it also meant that he was able to feel the sorrow that came with your departure.
kylo felt so two-faced about so many matters in his life. he needed to find a solution to help. to help for just a small period of time.
why not hit the gym?
kylo quickly changed into some workout clothes and dashed down to the training room. since it was the middle of the night, it was completely empty. kylo grabbed some extremely heavy weights and started to begin his workout.
he stayed in that room for at least 3 hours. blood, sweat, and tears were all produced in that room...literally. it came to the point where he was on the floor, sobbing his eyes out into his bloody hands. he punched a couple of walls and shattered mirrors, leaving him a complete mess. then he realized-
he hasn't checked on jaxx yet.
it had been almost a week since your departure, and he hasnt listened to your simple request.
he immediately left the training room and jogged over to jaxxs room. he then slowed his pace as he started to question why he was obeying someone elses orders. more specifically, someone who had crushed him.
he waa already at your brothers room, so he decided to just do it. he knocked on the door and jaxx opened it.
"it is so early what cou- hey kylo."
"hello jaxx." he replied as he walked into the room.
"what do you need? i havent seen you since you paused our training..."
"i wanted to see how you were...doing." kylo cringed at his own words.
"huh? why would the supreme leader want to know how i was doing? it isnt lik-"
"just answer the question." kylo was starting to get irritated.
"im...im okay. its a bit hard not having my sister here, but this is whats best for her. but, that doesnt stop me from missing her deeply- though she will return eventually."
"i feel the same way..." kylo muttered.
"what was that?" jaxx asked.
"nothing."
then jaxx realized something, "did my sister order for you to check up on me while she was gone?"
kylos blood started to boil when jaxx said the word order. "why would you want to know?"
"so that's a yes? i was just wondering...jeez. so, how are you doing?"
the 4 words that came out of jaxx's mouth almost made kylo start to tear up. nobody. i mean nobody has asked him how he was since the start of this. a reason may be because not many people knew about what was going on, but still. it struck a nerve for kylo.
"im okay." that wasnt a lie. kylo was just...okay. not great, not fantastic, not even fine.
just....okay.
"are you sure?"
"yes. i am okay. now, im going to go now. i have lots of work to do." that also wasnt a lie. kylo felt as if work on the ship started to get boring and uninteresting.
before, he thought work was actually fun in a sense. but not anymore. now, it was horrible and...repetitive. he found himself zoning out a lot, and more and more people started to notice- but were too scared to confront him.
"alright. goodbye." jaxx smiled at him but didn't receive one back.
kylo walked back over to his room and got ready for the lousy day. he winced at the thought of having to see general hux once again. he didnt mind his other colleagues that much because they always followed his orders whenever they were given some. but hux wasnt like that at all. he has always went against kylo ever since the beginning of there time together when the first order begun. kylo thought about killing hux almost every single day, but hasnt gone through with it.
hux is actually a huge benefit to the order, so killing him wouldnt do much good. he is very devoted to the cause which makes him an asset. but that doesnt stop kylo from imagining his red lightsaber stabbing through huxs body.
he walked down the hall and was immediately greeted by the redheaded man- just the way to start his day.
"supreme leader." hux bowed the slightest bit.
"general hux." kylo nodded his head.
the 2 of them continued walking down the hall. there was complete silence between the men because neither of them were usually the one to start a conversation. that is until hux broke the silence-
"we have 3 meetings scheduled a-"
"you are just now telling me this? if they were scheduled, it should have been brought to my attention a while ago, not the day of" kylo seethed.
"i apologize supreme leader." hux said through a clenched jaw. he knew better than yelling at kylo because he wasnt new to how repulsive the big baby can be.
hearing hux apologize was music to kylos ears for a split second. he loved when he was reminded that he was above him.
"your apology is noted."
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authors note
im literally on an adam driver movie rampage and im not complaining about it at all lmaoooo but im sorry that my updating has gone down significantly ahhh :|
-i.t