it's killing me, swear i never cried so much
'cause i never knew love would hurt this fuckin' bad.
Beyoncé Giselle Knowles
February 18
Queens, New York
"It's over dawg." I stood outside my old house, the one I'd just sold, the one I bought on my own.
"For you."
"Y'all are more than welcome to come with me." I looked between both Chance and Jay. August walked out of the house and hugged them both. "I know y'all not 'bout to cry."
"Man it's been a long road for real. I remember when we was lil' niggas, running up in people's shit." Jay sighed.
"I wish you would bring yo stupid ass on nigga! You know they boujie asses got security in that bitch."
"And that's why you ain't get out?" Jay asked.
I nodded my head. "I'm the designated driver."
Kyla hopped in the seat beside me, placing a kiss on my cheek. "I love you baby."
"I love you too."
Chance, Katorah, August, and Jay all climbed into the backseat, giving my signal to go.
"Now we just gotta get to Mama T and Pops. Bet that bonus be something crazy." August was all smiles.
"Y'all know how my parents get down."
"It's all about you." Kyla kissed down the side of my face before intertwining our fingers.
"Man those days were something serious." I looked down at the ground. I could feel the tears coming. I looked back up, pushing them back. "Really I thought this day would never come."
"Why?" Chance asked. "Everybody knew Beyoncé 'the boss' Knowles was making it up out the hood. It just radiated off of you, that's always been the plan."
"Man I wish my Pops was here."
"I know that nigga proud. You land on yo feet every time. Remember he used to say that?"
"Yeah."
"Beyoncé! Come here now!"
I slammed my bedroom door and stormed my way downstairs. Pops grabbed me by my forearm, roughly sitting me down on the couch.
He stared at me for a good 5 minutes before he sat down across from me. "Talk yo shit."
"Pops I'm pissed."
"Why? Talk to me. And look at me too, you ain't gon' get nowhere looking down at floors and not communicating. Talk Beyoncé."
"'Cause man! Niggas act like they can't listen, it ain't that fucking hard to do what I say! Like damn, y'all gave me the opportunity to be in this business, right? So why ain't nobody listening to me?"
He smiled at me then wiped that smile right off of his face. "Ain't nobody gon' listen to you because of who you are girl. You ain't got no special privileges. You take control and you make them listen. If they knock you on yo ass, you land on yo feet every time. We don't raise leaders by giving them everything they want in life. Work for it, earn it Beyoncé. Until then, you gon' keep getting knocked on yo ass. You gon' keep getting up. You gon' keep going and you won't stop. Lead Beyoncé."
"I miss that man." I could feel the tears coming, they were close.
"You spoke to OG yet?" Chance asked. I shook my head. "I think you should."
"Yeah Imma go. I gotta talk to my girl."
"Is she going with you?"
"I don't think so man." And there the tears were. I let them fall.
Everything from my Pops to Katorah to my Mama to Onika to leaving the damn hood, everything hurt. It ain't supposed to be like this man, everything was supposed to work out just fine. But nope, like Pops would've said... That's just life, pick that shit up and keep it pushing. So that's what I'm doing. Nothing's gonna hold me back.
>>>>>>>>>
"Mama! Where you at big sexy?!"
"Up here Bey!"
She hadn't called me that in forever. I walked upstairs into her bedroom. She was sitting on the bed. When she saw me, she smiled, I could see the grill in her mouth.
"Hi baby."
"Hey Mama." I sat down on the bed next to her. She wrapped one arm around me.
"I'm gonna miss you Beyoncé."
"I'm gonna miss you too Mama. Please don't let nothing bad happen to you. Please Mama, I will lose my fucking mind. I swear."
"Nothing's gonna happen to your Mama Beyoncé."
"Man swear."
"I swear."
"I was thinking about Pops today."
"Me too."
"What you thought about?"
"That day, you probably don't remember it because you were like 4 but you had just seen your first transaction and it scared the shit out of you. Instead of your father being the hard ass he usually is, he took you to the park. He played with you, y'all rolled around in that grass all day, and he told you that as long as he had anything to do with it, he wouldn't let anything or anyone touch you."
"He kept that promise."
"He did."
"Mama I miss him." I laid my head on her chest. My body shook with sadness, excitement, something. I was hurt, my entire life I was hurt. The only person I had was Mama. She was the only constant in my life.
"We all do baby but we've got to move on."
"How Mama? How do I move on from the only man that's ever loved me for who I actually am? Who taught me everything I know? Mama I can't do that."
"You have to. It's only hurting you to continue living like this Beyoncé. You have too much anger, you have to let it go."
"I'd be less angry if it were my decision. I don't wanna let him go."
"Have to. We need Beyoncé 2.0. Because you are going to storm San Diego. You're gonna love it baby." She kissed the top of my head. "It will love you too. Everybody does."
"Ma-"
"Let it go Beyoncé, let it go."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"You look like you've been crying all day." Onika held my face, examining me.
I placed my forehead against hers. "I love you Onika."
"What?"
"I didn't stutter."
"I love you too."
I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close to me. "You came into my life and you showed me so much in so little time. I meant what I said, I'm in love with you Tanya and I'll tell everybody."
"Baby I'm in love with you too. You mean so much to me. I'm so proud of you."
"And I you. That's why I can understand why you're not coming with me. You have to finish school, I understand. It hurts but I get it. I'll wait for you."
She poked out her bottom lip before kissing me slowly. She pulled away and I could see her tears. "Baby I don't wanna see you go."
"Turn around."
"You think you funny."
"A little bit." I smiled. "Try not to love nobody else, or at least make nobody else fall in love with you. Because that's very easy to do. Keep your guard up for anybody that's not me. Keep my Mama company. She'll hurt... but she won't tell me that."
"Baby you're making me sad."
"Ooou so it's working. Come on." I picked her up. We both laughed and I put her back down.
"I'm really gonna miss you Onika."
"It's two years baby."
"Two long ass years. Two years without you. I'm gonna kill myself."
"That reminds me, please take your medicine. I mean on a daily basis. I don't wanna have to come there and you'll have cussed somebody out for doing their job."
"Well for your information, if you must know Tanya, I have a pill box. Like those old people? Yeah I got one. They've got your sassy lil' face on 'em to tell me to take them."
"So cute."
"I'd do anything for you. Meet me in two years..."
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