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the morning after, you woke rather early. you were glad to see that you and kylo were still in the same position the 2 of you fell asleep in- with his arms wrapped around you and your body nestled up next to his. you grabbed his hands and unlatched them from your body, applying just enough pressure so that he wouldnt wake up. you decided that you were going to leave his room before he realized to avoid any awkwardness in the morning. you put on the slippers that you can in and headed out the door. you still had that large smile on your face from last night. you couldnt stop thinking about how amazing it felt to have him so close to you.
when kylo woke up, he noticed that you were gone. he would be lying if he said that he wasnt a bit annoyed that you left, but he couldnt go after you now. he decided to just start getting ready for the day and try to ignore the little thing that was bothering him. instead, he came to the conclusion to simply focus on the fact that he got the chance to hold you in his arms. now, he couldnt stop thinking about how amazing it felt to have you so close to him.
it had been a month since that whole galaxy-shaking situation. since then, the 2 of you have grown somewhat closer. you started hanging out more and more with him, causing your time with jaxx, etta, and piers to decrease a lot. when you did end up hang out with them, they didnt mention it- so maybe they didnt care too much?
your skills with the force had grown an extraordinary amount. you were luckily a fast learner with the force, causing training to become easier and easier each time since kylo started focusing more on that than physical stuff. though it had only been a month, you now were able to probe, do mindtricks, and forcechoke. you loved the power you felt when you used the force. it made you feel alive and free. jaxx on the other hand seemed to be struggling a tiny bit with using the force. he was okay with it, but he was better at the more physical things kylo made you 2 do. you could tell that this made jaxx a bit mad, but he tried to hide it. so during the nights, you assisted your brother a bit more. this helped him out a lot, and both of you could tell.
the day had been a long one and you were as tired as could be. almost instantly after hitting your head on the pillow, you were passed out.
most of the time, you didnt really have dreams. when you did, they were just stupid ones like you and your brother playing out somewhere or you riding a bantha. but this night, it was something different. it was almost like it wasnt a dream. it felt like it was real life- like it was a vision.
you saw a more aged version of your mom,dad, and twin siblings being pulled onto what looked like a first order ship by stormtroopers. your family was screaming and fighting to be let go of, but it didnt get them anywhere. it almost felt as if you could feel the spit that they were producing from screaming so loud on your skin. it almost felt as if you were physically there, and that scared the crap out of you.
you woke up struggling to breathe with tears in your eyes. you were drenched in sweat and your body was shaking profusely. even though it was the middle of the night, you decided to just take a shower and try to rid your memory of the things you saw while sleeping.
you couldnt bring yourself to call it a dream because deep down...you felt, no you knew, that that was not a dream. you got out of the steaming bathroom and changed into fresh clothes. the entire time you were getting ready, you couldnt get the images out of your head. you knew that the only person that would be able to mark your vision as true or false was kylo. so you came to the conclusion that you would go over to his room to ask him. it wasnt like he was going to be doing anything...right?
you made your way over to his room and found that his door was locked. his room was rarely ever locked for some reason, so you found it odd that it was right now. you tried again to see if it was just jammed, but it was definitely locked. your mind was racing to get his answer to your question, so you decided to just use the force to open the door. you walked in and your eyes immediately went wide.
you saw kylo and another woman in his bed, hooking up.
the same bed that you slept in many times. the same bed that he held you tightly in. the same bed that you spent hours upon hours on, talking to him about everything in the entire galaxy about.
you felt your heart that he did so much to help heal, shatter a little bit.
you tried to ignore the sight that you saw right before your eyes. in the moment, you deeply regretted not knocking on the door like a normal person. but, what's done is done and there is definitely no going back now.
both the random woman and kylo stared at you as you stared back. there was a extremely awkward silence, leaving you to be the one to break it.
"you. out. now." you stared into the girls soul. she immediately rose from the bed, putting her clothes back on and rushing past you- out the door.
"what the actual f-" kylo started to yell at you. he only started yelling because he felt lost. he felt lost because he honestly had no clue why he even was with that woman in the first place. he knew that he had intense feelings for you, yet he was with another random girl. he felt lost because he started to feel guilty. guilty because you had to walk in on him fucking another girl.
the thing was, kylo and you werent a thing. neither of you wanted to ask or admit it, so it remained that way. you both clearly had passionate feelings for each other, so you seeing kylo with this other girl made you feel confused and in pain.
did you truly not mean that much to him? were the 2 of you actually nothing?
nevertheless, you pushed all the emotions,questions,images,all of it to the side. it didnt matter to you right now. not in the moment...not right there.
"is my family on this ship?" you questioned kylo.
he immediately felt his throat close. how did you know about this?
"answer me gosh dammit!" you screamed at him. you needed him to answer. you needed him to ease your stress and say that they werent on the ship. but you knew that that wasnt going to be the case.
kylo came to the conclusion that lying to you now wouldnt do any good. he had to come clean and tell you the truth.
"yes. they are." he started to put some random
clothing onto him as you started the conversation.
you felt your heart drop to the ground. you now had a million and one questions. you felt hundreds of emotions rushing through your body.
"why? why are they on this ship?" you asked.
"how did you figure o-"
"no! you have no right to ask me questions right now! it is my turn, not yours! you lost that privilege the second you aloud them on this ship!" you yelled at him. you couldnt control your anger at all.
after that, kylo said silent. he was trying to control his own anger, because he hated when people treated him as if he were a child.
"answer my question right now!" you seethed.
"you need to stop yelling at me right now as if i am a child! i am the supreme lea-" kylo shouted back at you.
"here we fucking go away with the titles! answer. my. damn. question. then. supreme. leader."
"your family is on this ship right now because i ordered them to." he calmy said. he knew that it was only going to go downhill from now. it wasnt that he regretted his decisions, no no. he still agreed with what he did of course. but he knew that what he did will cause you pain, and he did regret that a bit.
"you what?" you screeched.
"i ordered for them to get captured and be thrown onto the ship."
"captured? thrown? do you mean that you...personally asked of this?" you couldnt believe your ears. were they playing a sick joke on you right now? you cleaned them literally last night, so your hearing must me okay.
"yes."
"and why exactly would you do such a thing? you better have a reason for this act! you know how much pain they have inflicted on me, yet you still choose to bring them here? what kind of man...friend, does that?" you felt your voice giving out. you thought that kylo would be better than this, but you guessed you were wrong.
"first of all, i can do such things without reasoning if i choose- but that isnt the case here. second of all, of course i remember how much pain they have brought you. it hurts me as well hearing about it!"
you were shocked to the core because of his last sentence. he said that it hurts him hearing you talk about the pain you have been giving. you knew that you had a handful of people who cares about you, but nothing like this. nobody has ever told you such a thing. you felt touched by it, but now was not the time. you were still boiling with anger at him. he just admitted he knew how your family made you feel, yet he did this.
"then tell me supreme leader. why did you do this!"
"i did it because i needed to get information out of them. i also needed to check if your siblings that your parents took with them were also force sensitive."
you were .1 percent relieved that kylo at least had good reason to do it. but you still resented him for it and that was quite obvious.
"well, are nora and nixon force users?"
"if you are referring to your twins siblings, then no. for some odd reason, no."
"and did you get the other information you needed as well?"
"yes. for the most part, yes."
"okay then."
"look, you even werent suppose to know about it y/n. im sorry an-"
"is that suppose to make me feel better? you telling me that i wasnt even suppose to know? also, guess what kylo ren? your apology isnt going to make up for what you did. actions over words, remember that." you meant every word you said.
kylo knew that him saying sorry wasnt going to cut it. he realized then just how much suffering he actually caused himself on you by doing this, and he hated that. ever second he thought about it, the more he regretted it. he didnt like disagreeing with his past decisions, but right now seemed like an appropriate time. the information he got out of it was not nearly worth how much tortment you were undergoing right now.
"i ju-" kylo tried to talk once again but was cut off by your aching voice.
"are they still here?" you interrogated him.
"yes. yes they a-"
"i want to see them."
both you and kylo knew that it wasnt a good idea at all. you 2 were both aware that you seeing them would cause even more suffering than right now. but, you tried to ignore that fact because at the end of the day...you still loved them after all they did to you.
kylo on the other hand could never ignore such thing. he would do anything in his power to prevent you from going to them, because he didnt want you to undergo any more pain. at this rate, it shocked him how you were still up and running. kylo has had his fair share of pain, but nothing like you have. he loved just how strong and spirited you were. he loved that so so much.
"no. i will not let you go to them. i know that you seeing them will cause your heart to shatter and you wouldnt be abl-"
"my heart has already shattered 10 times over yet i am still standing here. one of them being only minutes ago when i walked into this room. do not tell me what i can and can not handle." you boiled.
hearing you say that your heart shattered when seeing him with that girl made kylos heart shatter just a little bit too. he hadnt realized just how much you truly felt for him until now.
you as well couldnt believe what you just said to him. you knew that you had attachment issues, yet you still were able to grow attached the kylo just the slightest. you were for some reason disappointed at yourself for this, but this wasnt the place to be thinking about your romantic feeling with kylo.
"y/n. i- no. you cant go. i wont let you."
hearing kylo say this caused a unhealthy amount of anger to surface. soon enough, you saw kylo being thrown up into the air and pinned against a wall. he hadnt been through this since snoke got killed, and it shocked him that you were able to do such a thing to him.
kylo ren. the supreme leader of the first order. the master of the knights of ren.
this also shocked you as well. you felt horrible for doing such a violent act to him, yet you continued to do it. it was almost like that unhealthy amount of anger took over your body and you couldnt gain control again.
"you are going to lead me to where they are. that is that." you commanded to kylo through gritted teeth. you let go of him and he fell to the floor, quickly getting back up.
"i warned you okay? i warned you y/n." he stated as he started heading for the hallway, you trailing behind.
the 2 of you finally reached the room where your family was being kept.
"can i go in?" you asked. your anxiety was skyrocketing and your hands were shaking.
"if you must. i oppose- nevermind. i just wanted to tell you that they are all chained onto different walls and arent in the best...condition."
"what the hell did you do to them kylo! actually dont answer that question." you quickly opened the door and you almost fainted.
your entire family was looking at you in disgust. it looked like they thought this was all of your doing...capturing them and forcing information out of them. you started to step a little closer to them before what appeared to be a far more grown version of nixon spoke up.
"get away from us! we dont want you anywhere near us! leave us alone! dont you think us abandoning you meant something?"
you were shocked at the tone he was using. it sounded like he truly and utterly hated you with all his life.
"i j-"
"leave y/n." your mother said as she fixed her gaze on the floor.
kylo was right. you coming here was a mistake. your heart did in fact shatter a million more times and this time, you weren't sure if you were going to be able to recover. you felt the hot tears start running down your face and onto the floor.
"look i just w-"
"yn. leave us alone." your dad raised his voice.
you couldnt handle being in that room anymore. you quickly ran out of the room as fast as you could. you didnt know where your feet where taking you, but you ended up at kylo's door. why were you here? shouldnt you be despising him for causing this whole thing? you quickly turned back around and headed to a different location.
after seeing you disappear into the room, kylo decided to return to his quarters. he thought that you wouldnt want to see him when you came out, so he did what he thought he should. after returning back, that wave of guilt he felt earlier returned.
how could he have been so stupid? so dumb? on 2 occasions? one of them being will dragging your family over here, and the other being hooking up with a random girl for no reason at all? he couldnt believe how he acted, and he was downright ashamed. he suddenly felt as if somebody was outside of his door. he got up and went to the door, only to see the ends of your legs walking away. kylo went to run after you but was stopped by hux.
"ren, this has gone on for too long. you have become addicted to this girl. it must stop right now. and there is no point of running after her now, she is gone." hux said with a snarky tone. he was glad that he caught ren just in time. hux could always sense that something was happening between the 2 of you, and this just happened to prove his point.
kylo didnt even bother to reply to hux. he simply just used the force to throw the man into a wall. kylo ran down the hallway to see if you were still there, and you werent. you were gone, just like how hux said.
kylo clenched his fists and made his way back over to hux. he force choked the man and threw him again a wall.
"general, i do not think that any of this is your buisness. so i will gladly accept the fact that you will now not interfere with it, right?"
"yes. yes supreme leader." hux knew that he didnt mean any of the words he just said. kylo immediately put hux down and slammed the door shut.
you found that you were now in the hangar that you loved ever since you stepped foot into it. the one where you figured out was ettas workplace. even though it was technically in public, you didnt care. you loved it so much for some reason, it brought you tranquility and peace.
but not this time. this time, you couldnt stop crying your eyes out. all you could think about was the way your family looked at you when you entered the room. they looked at you as if you were a monster, and like you were going to hurt them. suddenly, you feel an arm grab your shoulder. you immediately whip around and punch the person in the face.
"ow! it is me! piers!" the person screamed.
you immediately wiped your tears and there stood piers hunched over, with etta comforting him.
"no! no! im so...im so sorry! i didnt mean to do that, i thought it was somebody else an-"
"so you just casually punch people that arent your friends?" piers laughed as he straightened up his posture.
"i mean, i don- wait, why are you laughing? im going to get you to the infirmary okay?" you said. you sincerely felt bad for piers, you knew that your punches hurt like hell.
"y/n, it is okay. i will be fine alright? there is no need to go to the infirmary. i will get some ice on the way back to my room."
"it is not okay! i just...i just punched you in the face!"
"calm down okay? i should be the one that is angry at you, not the other way around!"
"im sorry. it has been a rough night to say the least." you felt the tears start to form again.
"that is actually the reason we came over here. we saw you crying in the hallway and we followed you over here. is everything okay? do you want to talk about it?" etta asked in a soft tone. you could tell that she truly cared, and that made you feel a tiny bit better.
you started to explain the situation to them, leaving out some details of course but explaining just enough so that they got the main idea. venting to them made you feel a bit more relaxed, but the whole situation left you tense. right before they could start comforting you, that redheaded carrot of a man appeared in your view.
"i am going to have to ask your friends to leave. i need to talk to you, y/n." hux said with an emotionless face.
you werent in the mood to deal with hux, so you decided to let out a bit of your anger on him. "no. they can stay right where they are. you can say whatever you want infront of them."
"are you telling them to override my orders and listen to yours?" hux asked.
"well...yes. exactly." you were starting to find a bit amusement in the situation.
"if i must remind you, i am of hi-" you tuned out what hux was talking about and you faced etta and piers. they were trying hard to hold back a laugh, and they were falling to do so. then looked back at you and they understood exactly what you were saying. they nodded there head and you did the same.
the 3 of you silently walked away from hux, leaving him to lecture the air. it appeared that he was so focused on his own voice, that he hadnt noticed for a good couple of minutes. when he finally did, all of you had gone your separate ways back to your rooms.
the moment you reached your room, you immediately broke down once again. you sobbed painly into your hands and you hoped that jaxx couldnt hear you from next door. while letting the tears run, you found yourself thinking about kylo and that girl, and thinking about that only made you cry harder.
you couldnt seem to understand why that was, it wasnt like you and kylo were with each other so technically you could bang anybody you chose. but, it still hurt you. it hurt a lot.
drowning in your tears, you heard the door open and you removed your hands from your face. you wiped your tears just enough so that your vision wasnt too horrible, and you saw kylo standing there. you didnt bother to speak up because you couldn't find it in yourself to even use your voice.
you suddenly felt strong arms surround your body, holding onto you tight. you knew without a doubt that this was kylo. almost with instinct, you wrapped your arms around his neck and sobbed into his chest for what felt like days. you felt the shirt that he was wearing start to beocme drenched in your tears, but it didnt seem to bother him.
kylo only focused on doing the bare minimum for you. and at this time, that was being there for you. holding you. comforting you. unlike that night where you found kylo in tears with his destroyed room, you gladly took his sympathy.
kylo knew that you needed this. you truly did.
and then it hit him; you were just as broken as he was.
after realizing that, he held onto you even tighter. your agony was shedding off of you and he felt horrible. eventually, your tears completely stopped and your breathing leveled out. but the thing was, kylo didnt let go. he didnt leave you like how you left him that night all those months ago.
he continued to hold onto you as if you were a fragile china doll. he swayed from side to side, whispering reassuring things into your ear.
"hey. it's going to be just fine. i got you. im so sorry for this. it's all my fault. i will get them off of the ship whenever you tell me to do so. it's all good."
you felt yourself become drowsy and soon enough, you fell asleep in kylos arms. he carefully picked you up and tucked you into your bed. before he left, he wrote you a note and kissed you goodnight. he was disappointed that he wasnt able to stay with you the entire night because he had work.
after returning to his room, kylo wished and prayed to the galaxy that night that all your agony would soon subside and leave you with only pure bliss. before falling completely asleep, the last thing that was on kylo's mind was you. purely and entirely you.
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authors note
this was a meaty one! im sorry to those who dont enjoy long chapters, because this definitely was the longest one i have ever written. these next chapters are going to be at least 2000 words, so get ready! this one alone is 4200!! what the hell!!
-i.t