Meet me in the stables tonight. It's important.
Meet me in the stables tonight. It's important.
Meet me in the stables tonight. It's important.
The words fly in rings around my mind invariably but the silence of the barn is what truely makes my anxiety strike a nerve.
The rain had finally stopped pelting against the grounds of the Kingdom the moment the hands of all clocks shifted to midnight – The time when, the moonlight of the two saucers in the sky, fall like a rich velvet blanket of white upon the black shadows of the night which swallow up the day, draining the colours to nothing but an illuminated grey.
My chin trembles as I sigh a large breath of mist into the air of the cold barn, where the hay is spread below my feet whilst I sit on a ruffled stack of prickly straw. As midnight comes trailing along the hour I had spent waiting for Anwar, the birth of this fateful day, means everything which had happened to me, will soon be forgotten – Only the long trance ahead is filled with dreams and maybe, nightmares.
Today's the day – The wedding will be held beneath the rising sun and my destiny should have been given over to Kylo Ren and The First Order, even though I am not who they truely think that I am.
The note which Anwar had slipped to me, sits crumpled in my hands and I only roll my eyes and throw it aimlessly into the layer of mud which sits in the corner of the barn, as the minutes only drag by slowly, for he had never shown up. It was easy to sneak out, nearly two hours ago, for Kylo Ren had been relocated to new quarters for the night, as we are not supposed to see each-other until I am walking down the aisle.
The halo around my weakened heart, smoulders. Kylo had given me nothing but a quick kiss and a soft smile before he left, and that stupid grin of his would be the last thing I remember him by, that and the words he whispered into my ear,
"See you soon, My Queen."
But I try not to think about him too much, for there is a burning desire to run to wherever he sleeps now and also walk down that life-changing aisle, tomorrow. What had happened to me in the past couple of days? Had the diminishing of the rain, finally washed away my grey skies and left me standing in the prosperous blue, where I can see with perfect vision, the way my soul craves Kylo Ren?
In the heady chill of the midnight moons, it was as tempting as ice water upon my heated flesh, to bite back the tears which began to rise above my vision as everything suddenly felt as if it is quickly coming to a conclusion. Up ahead is Anwar and I's, rendezvous where we will finally escape Jorkhan, just like we had always dreamt of doing – But we are not leaving as the same people we once were and surprisingly, there is something which is tugging me back down to the damaged surface of Jorkhan – Someone dangerous, who I would have never suspected that I would prefer the company of, rather than Anwar, my once best-friend.
There was a time when the stable boy, drove me mad with crimson cheeks and a childish crush which lingered in the open, innocent gape of my heart – But now? All I feel is a bruising in that same gape, where he had secretly tore away my innocence, burdening me a damsel in distress who had to live a life of imitation, all because he thought that it could benefit our brittle bones. And it did... But what about my heart?
My internal Kingdom is painting itself blue. This royal imitation is no life which I could have lived happily and Anwar must have known that when he signed away my freedom to Ruby Mayse, who all along, was nothing but a traitor to the late King and her dead best-friend, the Princess.
I chuckle low to myself, just as I completely give up faith of Anwar turning up as I scrape the heel of my boots in the dry hay, where flickers of deep red and brown, layer upon the once clean sticks. How remarkable, that I had grown to think that it would be Kylo Ren, who was, out of all the evil in the world, the most innocent? After-all, he had never been so harsh to me in the midst of my imitation. No – I knew who the real villain was and she was just as, if not crueler, than the Devil, who's flesh is the same colour as her flaming hair.
It only makes matters worse when Ruby Mayse and Prince Dayvis, are somewhere in the palace right now, tucked tightly in their beds with their eyes and ears wide open, awaiting the news of Kylo Ren's death tonight, though it shall never come. Conflict burns in the joints of my bones. I can't kill him. I can't run from him. And I can't stay by his side – What else is there to even do?
I huff a broken breath as I finally stand from my place in the barn, where the soft winds howl through the gaps in the wooden panelling and there's a slight smell of metallic against the grimy smell of soot. Anwar's not coming. Maybe, he had gotten preoccupied with handling all The Resistance plans for our escape tomorrow?
I saunter back to Kylo and I's quarters, although he is not there to keep me warm as I curl against myself beneath the heavy sheets and tuck my hand beneath my head and pillow, my fingertips grazing the knife which Anwar had given to me only days ago.
My eyelids never become heavy as I keep them staring at the way the breeze causes the lace curtains of the balcony, to sway in the moonlight, like waves would softly lap against the shore. I wonder what Anwar wanted to speak about, so urgently in the barn, but I knew that it was most likely just going to be us going over the plan for today, once again – But why hadn't he shown up? Had he forgotten? Or fallen asleep? The latter option wouldn't surprise me, I had often joked that the blonde boy could sleep through a war.
I can hear my heart's anguished symphony playing even now and in the bittersweet melody, I can only sing a chorus of shadowed infuriation at my own benevolence for falling to the beat of Kylo Ren. It shouldn't be this painful – The bed shouldn't feel cold without him.
The sheets wrap around me in a cocoon of old insecurity which when slept upon, feels sharp in the midnight fear which takes ahold of my soul, multiplying my worries and delaying my will to leave Jorkhan.
Just when my chin begins to tremble into the white sheets, which soften beneath the weight of my quick tears, I finally acknowledge that Jorkhan truely, never gave me anything worth staying for – But Kylo Ren is making me wish to keep my feet upon the ground, though I cannot dig my heels into the soil to stay by his dreamy side, for I would be digging the graves of every soul in Jorkhan with that stupid choice, which is only considered by my saddened, beating heart.
And that sadness will last for all of my eternity away from him. It'll be like this forever.
Forever. What a strange word, when I don't even know what the future holds in a life lived away from Jorkhan, away from this imitation.
My bones slump like fallen oak into the mattress, leaden. I feel more so a corpse than a girl – Than a Queen – I was nothing but a host for all of the ashes of my frail attempts to keep my heart docked away from Kylo Ren, where instead of anchoring it down, it merely tipped into his sea.
He isn't my light at the end of this tunnel, he is the intense darkness but the flicker in the void is what channels me into it. It's an unexplainable feeling and phenomenon, which both intrigues and scares me, whilst also smacking me harshly with a yearning for the adrenaline which follows.
He's the darkest of nights. He's a haunting devote of a nightmare – He's nothing but a shadow, a tall, broad shadow, who stands in the doorway of my bedroom, breathing in deeply and staring me down with eyes of fire, which flicker in the moonlight with an emotion, I can't quite place.
"Kylo –" I sit up from the bed and choke on my own words, "Y-You're still up?"
I honestly, never thought that I would see him again, and yet, here he is... Always surprising me and giving me a tighter grip upon his anchoring, when the rising of the storm, which he creates himself, is beginning to drown me with antagonistic conflict.
No – No, why is he here! It was supposed to be like ripping off a bandage, it was supposed to be forever.
"You're not meant to be in here." I shake my head when he sighs low and walks further into the room, where the moons laid their illuminance upon his perfect features.
I swallow at the intensity of his eyes, as if he was lost in thought, deep behind the crease between his eyebrows, "– Technically it is the day of the wedding, and we're not meant to see each-other before the ceremony." I add.
His lips twitch first and then comes his deep voice to calm the lacing of shock to my veins, "How am I supposed to sleep, when my mind is fully awake?" He asked, as if it was a rhetorical question.
I can see my desire to leave Jorkhan, sway like metaphorical smoke which begins curling from his lips and dissolving into the palms of his hands, which are hidden between clenched fingers.
He's leaning over the bed where I sit in the middle of the rumpled sheets and his eyes are the one's of a hunter, but I do not feel as if I am the prey in his trappings – I only wish I had more time than forever, I wish I had more time to play this foolish game of imitation, for Kylo was the prize in which I could have won.
I suck a sharp breath inwards, suddenly forgetting about being stood up by Anwar in the stables and instead, floating into the gravity of his sight.
I knit my brows together, "I am not so sure... Why is your mind awake?" I ask.
All at once, I am struck as he sits on the edge of the bed and holds a hand out to me, in which I crawl closer towards slowly.
I want his pale, honey skin against mine as we fall into the pillowy and sweet seduction of these sheets which are cold without him. I want more time to hear his voice, low and soft. More time to study his grace and the dangers which lurk, his passion, the effortless way he moves. More time to feel his love, his heat, his eyes, so alive. It's his eyes, the way he looks at me and drinks my soul in like he also knows it's the last time he'll ever see me – But he doesn't, there's no possible way in which he knows.
His naked hand, which is incredibly soft without the rough, black leather around it, tenderly falls upon my cheek and brushes a strand of my hair, behind my ear. "Because of you," Kylo whispers, "All I can ever think about, is you."
A feeling unlike no other, blossoms in the pits of my chest where he had planted his touches of lust, only for tendrils of... love? – To grow.
No – It can't be love, I was nothing but a pawn on a chessboard where Kylo is moving my Queen piece around the tiles in a way where the enemies of his, are doomed to lose the game which was un-winnable in the first place.
He's is the deuce of my cards, the royal flush to my cheeks and the shot of wine sliding down my drying, craving throat and yet his musk is nothing but intoxication to my nerves, which begin dancing in his raging fire as the walls of the Kingdom and the rest of Jorkhan, are to become nothing but ash in his power – Which I, the slum girl, will never give to him... For I had seemed to give him something of my own instead, when truely, my poverty owned nothing but what is now lost.
"I–"
Kylo cuts me off and his lips are only a fragile distance away from my own, and I know I should flinch away – The tearing of a bandage – But I cannot find the strength to move.
He swallows roughly before he speaks, as if he has a lump in his throat which won't move unless he utters the knotting words out-loud, "I can't explain it, but you've seemed to captured me in ways which I never thought I could ever be caught."
He's the thrill of trespassing and the heat of the moment, makes my blood boil but as his other hand rises to place a thumb upon my bottom lip, the sensation is the cool of ice to make the burn nothing more than a healing cure.
Maybe, that's why I become numb to all my worries and conflict, whenever I am around him. A life forever by Kylo's side, is a life lived, doomed to rip my heart out of my chest, only for him to cradle it in one hand, as his other destroys my home, over and over without stopping and without hesitation. The reality overtakes the want within my needing soul, bubbling up and ready to explode, causing an immense wrath to brew across what I wish my future could be, and leaving the certain ashes.
"Kylo –" I breathe against his thumb, he only shakes his head and coos for me to become silent as he continues with a voice which I had never heard him use before – A voice which was fragile and open to becoming broken.
"And I know you don't truely feel the same way, I don't need to read your mind to be able to tell," He croaked with a nod, "But – You must know what you have done to me."
My lips shake when he finally pulls his hands away from me, to which I try to follow them but he sits them upon his thighs, "W-What have I done?" I stutter as the heat begins to attack my face.
He chuckles – But it isn't the type of mischievous laughter which he usually gives to me when there is a slight taunt to his words... No – This chuckle is low and seems as if it was only created to fill the silence.
"What haven't you done to me?" Kylo Ren says with a small smile, where the corners of his lips twitch to the hiding of my obsession, "I always assumed that I was a goner, that I didn't deserve even the ounce of light in my forbidden darkness and yet, the Universe has given me you... You – A woman who's soul is so incredibly pure, that I shouldn't even be able to walk the same planet as it, after all the terrible things that I have done."
And just like that – Kylo Ren had become broken. It was as if I had just watched all of his dangers, fall to the ground only to shatter around him and leave the bones of the real man in which he was, behind.
I try to give him a grin, but it falters as his own sharp, edged words, pierce into my fragile heart, where the longing bleeds a radiance, even in the dim of night. Kylo's distant smile, the one that I have become accustomed to more and more over the time I had known him, mends my wounds. But in the smile, I only watch the glory fade and replace it with my everlasting, pity, grief, sadness and heartbreak, which is to come when I leave him – But I don't want to leave him...
I have always been too greedy, that's what becomes of someone who once had nothing and only wished for everything instead of a little. This time, I was the one to move closer, to fan my breath upon his stone features as I closed the distance between our separated lips – I couldn't stop myself, I was suddenly thrown off my moral balance but during the fall, I realise that I didn't merely slip, I was the one to let go of my conscious grip instead and just free fall towards his gravity.
As our lips interlock, I suddenly taste my own realisation – It was bitter, yet surprisingly sweet. Whenever Kylo Ren was around, I couldn't seem to think straight, for all my thoughts surrounded him and were always about him and yet, when he touches me so tenderly, I can't seem to think at all, I just feel him.
I feel the connection, the attraction, the nerves, the shift of gravity which pulls our hearts closer together – But the pain follows and it is always the reminder that I am not the one who his soul thinks that it is twining its heartstrings around, but rather... I am an imposter.
I want to stay with him.
"Kylo..." I whisper as I pull away from his mouth and as his eyes flutter softly open, I finally give him a peaceful smile, "You're all I think about too."
And there was that grin of his again, right before he swooped back to my lips.
Kissing Kylo Ren was like kissing a rose. The petals of his lips are warm, red and sinisterly soft, but deep beneath the velvet touch of his beauty, were sharp thorns hiding, ready to prick one's fingers if they came too close – But as my trembling hands rise to his cheeks, he doesn't slice my skin open and force me away, he only pulls me closer to his heart of daggers, which will certainly be the death of me if I follow my own heart and walk down the aisle tomorrow.
He kissed me until my lips went numb and then began nibbling along my neck and collarbones. My nightgown is nothing but silk and it only adds to the sensation of this overwhelming trickling of water upon my laced skin, as he begins to run his hands like waves along my curves. He kissed my shoulders, the hollow of my throat, the bust above my rapid heartbeat.
Pushing me down into the crashes of sheets, he kneels over me but I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him to my ocean of desires once more. With eyes closed and my hair splayed over the bed, a small moan escaped my lips and the sound muffled the inner voicing of my conscience, which never thought that I would see Kylo Ren again.
It's as if a million, shining stars and comets had just aligned but one planet had missed its place right in the middle, causing a massive gape in the glory – It seems as if I had made up my mind as I began to kiss his own neck now. I was going to stay by Kylo Ren's side, so long as he was alive... And that's what is truely, dangerous.
I ran my fingers through his dark hair, and with every kiss he gave back, I dug my fingers a little bit deeper into the silk of his locks.
There was no hiding from it anymore, there was only a clarity to bemuse me – I was drawn to him the moment that I had seen him below the Princess' balcony, even if it was the fear which made my knees shake before him in the banquet. Damn him – Kylo Ren had managed to break every single one of my high walls and one-by-one, he had pushed bricks out of the barrier of my defences, though I must admit, I had never tried to pave the bricks back into place with every broken fall he caused.
All at once, Kylo Ren turned my body around gently and slowly slipped my silk gown off my body, to run a finger along my spine and to where the heat of my body, ran to. As his fingers began to circle and slip up and into me, he continued to kiss my bare skin which became exposed to an army of goosebumps.
Throwing my head back and into the crook of his neck, I was focusing on the sheer joy of feeling Kylo's hot breath on my cool skin. Tingles were racing up and down my spine, whilst my core was clenching for more around two of his long digits.
This must be some forbidden dream, for I cannot simply be filled with a certain knowingness now, my conflict cannot be suddenly resolved. Our bare skin together is like a fire rekindled from sleeping embers, and I'm too far gone to recoil from the searing hot that I know will fester later.
Look at me, no longer is there barbed-wire around my heart, which will soon be free but the freedom of leaving with The Resistance in someways, does also feel like a life lived un-healing – The strings of my heart are singing a song much more soulful than any chime of an instrument, and it is reaching out for him as he leans me onto the mattress slowly, his hands sliding up my thighs like a sculptors hands would mould clay.
This isn't right. I can't stay nor leave Kylo Ren, for he will cause nothing but destruction purely in the sake of my own heart's greed – He must be the one to leave, no matter the result of heartbreak.
His sinister soul seemed to be magnetic, though I suppose opposites attract. How had I allowed my innocence to covey in the hands of a monster? Easy – He was never a beast to me, he showed me nothing but beauty, whilst hiding his darkness away from my light.
But the darkness is still there! My conscience cries in the back of my mind as I whimper into his mouth, and I know that – I know she is speaking nothing but the truth, purely to keep me safe... And that's why I must leave him, lonesome at the end of the aisle, but all at once – I realise, that I know there is no way I will be able to leave him tomorrow morning.
There was no escaping Kylo Ren, even if I ran to the farthest depths of the Universe, I am certain that he would already be there before I arrive, ready to curl me back into his warm grip... So I must do what has been required of me, all along.
I guess, in many ways – This was how I was saying my goodbye. This was me savouring his touch before I make him fade from the Universe, away from all of of the dark dangers which linger.
Tears flooded down my cheeks when he finally pulled me to the head of the bed and lied me down, before undressing and burying himself into my inviting embrace – But he didn't stop his movements, nor ask me what was the matter, for my moan was enough for him to only attempt to wipe the salty drops away before curling his hands into my hips.
Kylo Ren began to love me as gently as he could. He winced at the pained look that crossed my features, and then began to relax as I opened my eyes and smiled at him again, but the trembling of my lips still added to the hint of hesitations.
I was filled with wonder, and was amazed at how close Kylo and I had become, despite the wrath of the world and all the cruelty that comes with it, around us. I knew both of our hearts were beating so fast, and the sweat began to bead up on his skin as did mine. We found our own rhythm, and began to truly love one another for the first and last time.
The exact moment when I know what I have to truely do to end all of this wrath, power and love – Kylo Ren shudders as he reaches his climax and pulls out of me.
I sob and clench my eyes closed as my hands curl beneath my pillow and just as my fingertips graze the hilt of the dagger beneath the feathered cushion, Kylo whispers something into the misty-raptured air.
"I am sorry, my love."
Suddenly, his big hands slide away from my hips and are upon the sides of my temples in one quick motion. It started with a slight shimmer, like the air in front of me was being warped and twisted as the moonlight and the warmth of his brown eyes, began to collide into one big portrait that resembled the mess of the smeared painting from weeks ago.
I scream a murderous cry and with my naked flesh still against him, I try to cower away from his intrusion, but he's already tearing through the cavities of my mind, my thoughts and all of my secrets.
My mind's a kaleidoscope of broken hues but as he shrinks into it, he replaces it with a void which was made of pure darkness. It's heavy, suffocating. It covers everything in his path as he tries to find whatever he is looking for and there is no room for light to come and save me anymore.
The pain is unbearable – It feels like someone is reaching inside of me and is injecting poison into every pulse of my veins, where the blood only carries it along to my heart and mind, and the slice of my palm as I grip onto the sharp silver edge of the dagger beneath my pillow, bleeds a duller pain that what he suddenly causes.
I try to resist Kylo but the wreckage he causes eats away at my flesh, tearing me apart and leaves me empty as he plucks everything he can, out of me. When the void starts to pull my mind into his realm, I scream as the fright begins to ignite in the depths of my bones, the adrenaline quickening the pace of my heart.
He sees it all, just as I do – The orchards, the StormTroopers, the girls, the coins, the imitation, the poison, the lies, the deceits, the death, the plans and The Resistance... Kylo Ren sees it all.
Just as I was finally curling in the palm of his hand.
Within the seconds that realisation kicks in, my eyes have frozen over like the surface of a winter puddle, robbing them of their usual warmth – I can still see him behind the haze, if I focus enough and just as I grit my teeth together, causing a welt to form as I accidentally bite open the wound in my cheek, I find sudden strength to pull myself through his intrusions to slip out my bleeding hand from beneath my pillow... And strike the blade across his face.