I stood in the bathroom as I looked at myself in the mirror. I had blood all over me; on my face, on my clothes, in my hair; who even knows how blood got there.
I glanced down at my hands that hadn't stopped shaking since I held Sofia's cold, lifeless body in my arms. They were covered in blood.
I turned on the water and began to wash my hands. My eyes welled up with tears again as I watched the blood slowly come off my skin.
It was supposed to be me; The thought kept reoccurring, making it hard to concentrate on anything.
I was so tired of crying. I wanted to break something or hit someone but I had no energy so all I could do is cry. I gripped the sink in anger as I remembered her face.
"I'm afraid I'll never see you again"; her voice rang through my head, making me instantly punch the mirror to distract myself from my thoughts. It shattered into a million pieces as I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.
My hand began to bleed; Atleast it was my own blood this time.
I went into the kitchen to get the first aid before I did anything else. I couldn't care about the glass in my hand but I knew I had to take care of it if I wanted to hold my son.
I wrapped it up after taking out the glass. I strolled into the sitting room where Ice was sitting while holding Jaxon.
Without even being told, Ice handed him over to me. "You do realise we have to have a funeral for her?" Ice blurted out. "I'm not going. You can hold it for her but I won't be going" I said with a monotone voice. "But you have too" Ice demanded. "I'm not going, end of discussion" I growled at him, forgetting I was holding my child.
"Look at what you did!" I shouted at Ice before hushing Jaxon back to sleep. Ice stormed out while making sure to be quiet.
"I promise that I won't be like my father; I will be better for you" I whispered before kissing Jaxon's forehead. "I will not let my pride or ego get in the way like it did with your mother. I will care for you as best I can" I reassured Jaxon who was asleep in my arms.
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"Ace you can't skip her funeral" Ice shouted frustratedly. "There's only two reasons I'm breathing right now; that baby and to carry on the memory of Sofia. Her funeral will push me over the edge. If I go to that funeral and see the love of my life's body in that casket, I will be pushed over the edge" I spat angrily through my gritted teeth.
Ice glanced at me with watery eyes while nodding. "I didn't live up to my name before but I can assure you now that I am as cold as Ice" he replied before walking out.
"Find Haze" I roared through the halls. "Fucking find him!".
I pinched the bridge of my nose stressfully as I sat at my desk. I could hear Jaxon crying from the other room; he was always crying.
I stood up and walked over to the door of the next room. I placed my hand on the doorknob hesitantly, I should've known being a single father would be harder than I thought.
I twisted the door handle and walked in; the floor creaking under my feet while I entered the room and the light peaking into the room from the door being open.
"Hey little man, what's wrong huh?" I asked him quietly as I held him in my arms. He just continued to cry. I held him in my arms as I sat on the chair. "You miss Mama right?, yeah me too" I sighed as I rocked him gently. He slowly began to calm down as he lay in my arms. "I think it's time for a bottle" I mumbled, brushing my thumb against his tiny, soft cheek.
I grabbed the bottle I had prepared earlier in the evening for when he woke up. "Are you going to drink this all for me?" I questioned before testing the heat of the milk on my arm. "Here you go" I hushed him as I fed him the bottle.
My sigh filled the room.
The house was quiet; None of us could talk to each other without becoming angry.
He fell asleep not long after the bottle but just as I placed him in the crib, he began to cry again. "Ok, looks like you're sleeping in my bed tonight" I muttered, bringing him into my room.
I placed Jaxon on the bed gently before I lay next to him. He wasn't much bigger than my hand. He lay on Sofia's side of the bed, not even making a dent in the mattress due to his light weight.
I was feeling numb; I can't feel anything inside of me. It's like I'm hollow, made of only skin and bone; Its exactly what I felt like before Sofia but now it's intensified. The anger I feel can't be slowly dissolved like it used to, no matter how much I scream or punch now, I'll never stop being angry.
I wasn't even sure who I was more angry at. Myself for letting her die or her for leaving me. It's fucking selfish that I'm angry at her but she knew how much I needed her.
I broke away from my thoughts when I heard a tiny snores. A slight smile was plastered on my lips without even realising it.
Maybe he's my hope of being saved.