Trigger warning: Heart Attack.
Kenma looks me in the eye as if he was thinking about whether he'd have a talk with me or not. I hold on to him as I catch my breath, waiting a response from him; hoping he'd say we can.
He suddenly furrows his brows and lets out a sigh. He turns to the girl, looking down to the ground as he thought of an answer. He'll say no. I back away, taking a few steps back to leave. The hesitation in his eyes was enough for me to understand that he'd say no.
"M-Maybe this was a wrong time for me to say that haha.." I bite my bottom lip and stop walking back, I let out an awkward chuckle as I scratch the back of my head. "You guys must've had a plan, I could leave. I unde--"
"I'm sorry." He says to me, turning around to face the girl. I stare at the floor and rub my elbow. I feel embarrassed for being cut off by him. "But will you go ahead?" I look up, unable to believe what he just said. Is that a yes?
The girl bites her lips and nods at him, sparing me a glance-- she's mad at me. I'm sorry. "H-Hey, she was with you first.." He turns to me and walks up to me; he takes my left hand, pulling out a handkerchief from his pocket and he wrapped it around my wrist.
"You have a thing about.. chasing me when I'm about to leave." He chuckled and gently tied the handkerchief in place. He didn't let go of my hand, he's staring at it. "And.. you have a thing about avoiding and ignoring me.. but in the end, you'd want to talk." He looks up at me, eyes filled with both pain and happiness.
Now that we're actually all on our own, I can't think of anything to say. I can only stare at him and try to keep my beating heart, calm. He's saying nothing as well, it's kinda awkward but.. it's peaceful and I don't mind the silence between us.
Kenma suddenly lets out a chuckle and I tilt my head to the side, confused. "Talk.." I stuff my cheeks with air and pout my lips, looking to the ground to think of something to say. I really have nothing in mind. He gently squeezes my faces, making me blow the air out. "I can work with the silence. You don't have to say anything."
"But we wouldn't be talking if I don't say anything.." He shakes his head and smiles, making my heart race more that it already is. I am fine with the silence too, just that I said we'd talk but I'm quiet and nothing's coming out of my mouth.
Being in front of him and to be all on our own, I couldn't bring myself to ask him. It's too much for me to ask him, it's just something I'm not able of asking. I'm already embarrassed by being unable to speak, what more if I asked him about it?
"How about we head home?" I smile at him, and I try walking ahead for us to go but he held my forearm. He's not letting me go. "Kenma?" I turn to him and he just looked at me without saying anything. I tilt my head to the side, waiting for him to speak.
He lets go of my arm, bringing his hand down to hold mine. He stares at out hands, biting his bottom lip like he was hesitating. He lets go and shoves his hand in his pocket; I look at him, questioning him with my eyes and he just shakes his head.
We started walking and like earlier, we didn't say a word. I can hear the cars, crickets, the wind as it blew, and the flickering lampposts. I had to hold my skirt down, it's getting blown by the wind. He suddenly stopped walking and took off his jacket, he tied it around my waist. I mouth him a thank you and we continue walking home.
It's silent but it isn't awkward. I kinda like it. The silence is very calming and it's comfortable, I could live in silence if it was like this. Why are we silent again? Why didn't he speak? Wait— we're silent because of me. Why did I even have to ask myself that question?
I'd glance at him and he'd smile at me. Seeing his face reminds me of his 1x1 and his records, his grades. Top 3, I'm in the top 20, I'm the 20th. He's got a club and he even plays his video games as early as he can, but he's still one of the smartest in our year. We're different-- of course we are. He tries but I don't.
I always get stuck with something and somehow always end up being the last to pass the papers; Kenma's always ahead. I can analyze but I can't comprehend or interpret things. For Kenma, it's like everything's easy when it comes to his studies. Everything's hard for me.
The hardest one for me to interpret is a person's feelings. I act the way how I feel and hurt the ones around me because of that. I still have to learn how to understand their side first before acting on my own.
My phone started vibrating nonstop so I had to check who it was to message me. I open my messages and froze when I saw what it was. I suddenly feel lightheaded. Who would do this?
"(Y/n)?" I look up to him and tears started falling from my eyes, I held on to my phone tight only for him to take it away from me. Kenma's eyes widened when he saw what I saw. He hid my phone in his pocket and he pulled me into a hug, patting my back and brushing his fingers through my hair.
Who would send me those? Why would they send me those? I cried on Kenma's shoulder, shaking and feeling the urge to hurt myself. The images are stuck in my head, they won't go away. Who would do that? It's not funny!! It's scary and disturbing! Why??
Anonymous sent me pictures of scissors, knives, and all sorts of sharp objects. It could've been a little bit better if they only sent me those, but they sent me pictures of open cuts and of people who hung themselves to death! That was horrible! I don't want that!!
I am not suicidal but I have hurt myself. I was out of my mind because of my feelings! But I would never take my own life! It's not right and I wouldn't want to hurt my parents' feelings, I wouldn't want to leave everything behind! Why would they give me such things?!
I can't forget the images, I want to hurt myself so bad. I want to scratch myself until I bleed, I want to hurt myself in every possible way. But I don't want to. Why do I feel like I want to? I shouldn't feel this way.. my parents and my friends didn't like it when they heard that I hurt myself. I promised him that I won't, I promised them that I would never do it again..
"Help me.. I want to hurt myself so bad.. Help me.." I beg, burying my face in his shoulder; I clench my fists as I wrap my arms around his waist. "Kenma.." He kissed the side of my head and stroked his hand up and down my hair.
"Can you hold it in for a few minutes?" I shake my head, hearing him sigh. "Five minutes. Hold it in for five minutes." I shake my head again, I don't, I can't. "I know you can do it, (Y/n)." Why is he saying that I can? I clearly can't hold it for five minutes. He backed away and looked me in the eye, wiping my cheeks with his thumb. "You can do it."
He breaks away from the hug, taking my right hand and he intertwined our fingers. I shake my head at him, I can't hold it in. I feel like I'll be hurting him instead. I have to pull away from him, I'll scratch his hand if he keeps holding mine. But he wouldn't budge. He won't let me go. He's putting himself in danger, he's going to get hurt.
Kenma's just bringing me somewhere, holding my hand tighter every time I try to pull away from his grip. He's not saying anything which is making things harder for me, I can't distract myself from my thoughts if he keeps quiet like that. If I end up failing, if I couldn't hold it in, I'd be hurting him. I don't want anyone to get involved, I don't want to hurt anyone. I won't ever forgive myself if I end up hurting him.
I don't know where he's bringing me, and I don't know how much time has passed but the feeling's starting to get stronger and harder for me to control. I try pulling away, exerting as much strength as I need just for me to get my hand away from him. He suddenly grunts and holds his hand, hissing-- did I hurt him? No did I hurt Kenma? Did I scratch him?! No.. I shouldn't have tried pulling away!! I should've just...
I cover my mouth with my hands, crying and cursing myself for hurting him. I should've just trusted him, I should've just left our hands be.. Kenma lets out a sigh and takes a step forward to me, is he mad? He's mad, isn't he? I hurt him! Of course he's mad! I step back to get away from him, scared that he might scold me.
"I told you not to!"
"(Y/n), you're fucking stupid! Look at what you did!"
I don't want to hear it from him.. not him.. I won't be able to face him. I try backing away but he brought a hand to the back of my head and the other on my waist. He looked at me, his eyes.. they are't filled with anger but worry. He pulled me closer, pressing a soft kiss on my forehead. He's kissing me a lot. "I'm okay. The pain is only temporary. It was an accident." I look down and he cups my cheek, making me look at him.
"Why are you always like this to me..? You don't complain.. You're okay with us being this way.. Why?" I ask, calming down after the kiss on my forehead. His voice is soothing and it really helps me. "Why are you so kind to me? You do everything.. just for me." He just smiled at me and kissed my forehead again.
"I think you know the answer." He brushed my hair back, tucking strands behind my ear to prevent me from eating my hair. He wiped my cheeks and hugged me, patting my back until I calmed down completely. I rested my head on his chest, hearing and feeling his heart beating. Why is he doing this? I don't know the answer that's why I asked. Why won't he just tell me the answer?
I back my head to look up and he just looked at me, he's so pretty. Why is he letting me be the one he'd be hugging and not someone else? Why is he looking at me with those eyes like there's something else? Why am I so comfortable with him doing this? Why does it feel like.. whenever I'm with him there's nothing else? It's just him and I but it feels like us.
Kenma brought me to an 8 Eleven and he bought me ice cream, best comfort food! He didn't buy one for himself so I shared mine with his, it'd be rude to not share. He'd decline but I'd push him to even just lick the ice cream, he'd back his head away from me and I'd reach out. I ended up getting the ice cream on his nose, Kenma the cream nosed teenage boy.
We stopped by a playground and sat on the swings, my feet are killing me. I want to go home but I want to stay with him a lot longer, am I being selfish? His house is a train away, and he might miss it. But he's not saying anything, maybe it's because he knows that I just calmed down minutes ago.. yeah that's the reason.
I look at my hands, remembering that my left hand's kinda injured. I don't remember how I got an injury but Ena seems to remember it. Maybe I should ask her about it. The hanky around my hand isn't mine... it's Kenma's. Can I wipe my mouth with it? I'm pretty sure my mouth is messy.
Suddenly, Kenma held on to the chain of my swing and turned me to him. I blinked my eyes while he wiped the corners of my mouth with his thumb. "You look messy." I pout my lips and he chuckled, gently pinching my cheek. Now that I remember, I've been here with Keiji.
"This reminds me of the time Keiji and I was here.." He furrowed his brows and backed away. "Whaaaat? Are you still mad at me for coming with him?" He didn't answer, is he really? "Kenmaaaa."
"I blamed him." He what? "The last person you were with before you went home and before you left, it was Akaashi." Why is he so serious? The air's kinda heavy now. "I blamed him and he blamed me. He said you left because I ignored you, I regretted doing that.." He looks at me and he smiled apologetically.
"I never blamed you. It's my fault. In my head.. no one was ever there for me even when I have so many friends around me. I told myself that they wouldn't listen, so I never said anything.. I never knew I was struggling.. everyone just has their own lives and I couldn't bring myself to tell them my worries when they have their own." I chuckle to myself, looking up to see stars shining in the sky. They're beautiful.
He stood and now he's standing before me. He held my hand, pulling me up for us to go. He took my bag and carried it for me. "You have me."
I don't know what time it is already, Kenma has my phone and probably once we turn it on I'd be seeing the pictures again. He can keep my phone until I'm completely fine. He's walking me home and it seems like we've been walking for hours, we haven't reached my house yet. Well we are walking slowly, I guess that's one thing.
I have him, as what? A friend perhaps, a friend he is. Maybe there are people that really care for you that they'd do these things with you. Maybe he's one of those people, he cares because he's a friend, he only does this because he cares about me. It's only up to that.
He stops walking, making me look to my right, I'm home. He hands me my bag and we're just standing here. "You have my phone." He nods and takes it out of his pocket, he didn't hand it to me yet. He's probably deleting the pictures.
"Kod...zuken..?" He looks at me and I avoid eye contact. Why did he look through my contacts? "You didn't name me Kenma?" I bite my lip and nod, hearing him chuckle. "Can I use this name?" Is he asking me if he could use that as a username? I look at him, he's serious about it. I nod and he smiled.
He gives me my phone and looks at my left hand. Oh his hanky! "You need this back don't you?" I try removing it but he held my hand to stop me, and he tied it properly. "Uhm... do you recognize the number? Of the one who sent me those?" He nodded.
"I'll take care of that, you go inside and rest. Tell me if they send you more." I nod and he pat my head. Why though? "I'll see you tomorrow." I give him a smile and a wave, back walking to the house. I finally turn around and open the door to get inside.
We didn't really have a talk, instead we just walked around and... I don't know. But nonetheless, I had fun. Getting to spend time with him, just being around him is enough. If there really isn't anything between us, then I should get used to this.
My mom didn't scold me for coming home late, well she did, but then I said Kenma was with me... her mood seriously went from 0 to 100. It's like she likes Kenma more than me-- well this was what I thought-- she started asking me questions like, "Is he your boyfriend?" "Since when?" He is not.
I went up to my room and I immediately throw myself to my bed. I stare at my ceiling as I thought of the pictures that were sent to me. Why would they do that? The feeling that I get isn't a joke, it's really difficult to control and I have trouble with it especially when I'm all alone. I'm just lucky that Kenma was there with me, I probably would've hurt myself back there.
But.. when I hurt Kenma my worries immediately changed. I was scared of what he'll be thinking of me, instead of the images. I don't like hurting others so probably that's why I was more scared of seeing Kenma get mad at me. I should ask him if he's alright.
ME: Your hand's fine, right?
Kodzuken: I'm fine. Don't worry. It was an accident.
ME: Why are you so lenient with everything that I do?? :(
Kodzuken: You know the answer. Stop talking to me and rest.
Okay then. If the one holding my hand wasn't him, he wouldn't have said it's alright. But with him it's like, it's fine, it's okay. He really shouldn't be spoiling me with that, I'll get used to that and I might hurt him more someday, I shouldn't be spoiled.
I went ahead and showered downstairs, seeing a pair of scissors on the counter the moment I went inside. I looked away and told myself to hold it in. Just like Kenma said, I should try to hold it in, I have to.. I got ice cream as a prize for being able to hold it in for 10 minutes.. I should be able to hold it in a lot longer.
I managed to! I checked the time and I somehow got through it, I was able to hold it in for almost 20 minutes!! This is a good sign, right? I have to get used to this so that I won't be triggered next time! I'm doing great, this is good..!
I laid in bed and watched volleyball matches to entertain myself. I suddenly got a message from the one earlier; I take a few deep breaths before I opened it. I don't know about what to say about it. There was a knife and along with that was a stupid message. I decided to call Kenma, it sounds stupid but I have to ask.
"What?" That's a nice greeting. "Did they send something again?" I hum in response, thinking of a way on how to tell him. "What did they send you?"
"They sent a picture of a knife— I'm fine. The other one... they said you're their boyfriend and that I should stay away from you." I suddenly heard him choking. Was he eating? "You okay??"
"Again. I have no girlfriend, yet." Yet??? "And you're okay? Even when you saw the knife?" I hum in response and I could hear his chair being pushed back. "You did it—! I mean, you did it." I pause for few seconds, bursting into laughter when I realized what just happened. "Don't laugh."
"You sound happy, happier than I am." I say, suddenly coughing when I felt my chest tighten. I dropped my phone to the floor, and I tried to reach it. "H-Hey.." I fall to the floor, feeling my chest tighten more than before. It hurts. I can't breathe.
"You okay?? (Y/n)? What's wrong? Is there something wrong??" I feel numb all throughout my arms and my chest. "(Y/n)???"
"C-C-Call 911........" I try standing up, having a bit of trouble with my balance so I stumbled for a few times. I clench the shirt I was wearing, opening my door to yell to my mom. "M-Mom! H-Help...! M-Mommy... Mom.."
My vision started to blur and I couldn't hear anything else but my breathing, I try reaching out to my Dad and I could just feel him try to keep me alive. This isn't the first time this has happened, I'm still not used to the pain and so are my parents. I can see my mom crying and that's the last thing that I saw before I blacked out.
This isn't my first time. I've had heart attacks before, they often happen to me back then when I was still in middle school. Most of my attacks happened after Ena started to bully me, and it got worse after my birthday with Keiji. I always manage to keep living, and I never heard of a story where I died and they just kept trying to bring me back. Will it happen now? Am I going to die now?
Back in middle school, I actually enjoyed having heart attacks, even when it hurts like hell. I never feared death, I was fine with it. I know that at some point in my life I would die and leave everyone behind, but when I had friends again.. everything changed. The attacks didn't come as often as before Maki and Honami came.
I was never fine with death anymore. I was scared every time I had a heart attack, I'd apologize that I might leave them already and it just pains me. It's painful to leave your loved ones behind, that's why I couldn't think that death is okay.. it's not. What really made me want to live were my best friends. I had a heart attack just a few days after we met and they stayed by my side while I was unconscious.
Them staying by my side was also the reason why I couldn't always bring myself to tell them the truth. They'd drop what they're doing, they'd forget about their own problems just to be by my side and take care of me. They never left and if they would, they'd come back again and stay. I swore to myself that I would never worry them ever again, but I always fail. They can see through me.
I also told myself that, if I would worry someone, it'll only be my best friends and my parents and yet... just before I blacked out I bothered Kenma. I hope he's not panicking and losing focus on what he should be doing for himself, and that he wouldn't focus on helping me. He should do more for himself.. be free like the birds that fly and the cats that roam around the streets.
If I die, I wouldn't know why he's being kind to me.. and why he's doing all sorts of things for me. Maybe I could still find out why, that is if I could roam the world as a spirit, but I wouldn't want to be a curse to people so I guess not.
Warmth.. I can feel warmth.. I can feel his warmth.. Even when I'm about to die he's all that I could think of. Why do I have a huge crush on him? Why does it have to be him? There're other people who could've been the one I fell for. There's Kuroo-san, Kai-san.. and maybe even Inuoka. But the pudding head caught my eye.
When did Kenma and I first interact with each other? It was... when we were still first years. I bumped into him, I was running late for third period and I ran into him. He helped me pick up my books, and my notebooks. So even back then... he helped me. I really have done nothing but burden him.
I look at myself, seeing me in a white dress. There're pink spots on it, kinda cute. I try to twirl and spin but I'm paralyzed, it's like my arms are tied. I look at my arm and found a needle... dextrose? I look around and found a monitor.. My mouth area feels.. cold.. oxygen mask? My hand.. it feels... warm. I blink my eyes to adjust to the light, seeing an unfamiliar place.. where am I?
I try sitting up, stopping when I felt a hand hold mine very tightly. I look at my hand and pulled away from their grasp, leaning on the headboard behind me. "...mhmm..." The person lifts their head up, rubbing their eyes to wake themself from their sleep. "...(Y/n)? (Y/n)?!" Maki exclaims and sits up, clasping her hand with mine. She's wearing... our middle school uniform..?
"Why are you wearing... our middle school uniform..?" She furrows her brows and looks at me with worry. "Where's Honami..? Did she come with Yamamoto..?" She lets go of my hand and backs away from me.
"Who's Yamamoto? And.. Honami's in school.. She's waiting for me to call her that you're awake." I nod slowly, holding my head when I felt it throb. "Who's Yamamoto? Honami doesn't have a boyfriend..?" I look at her and raise my brow, she's looking at me suspiciously.
"What year is it..?" I ask, finally realizing that it's not 2012.
"2009....?" She answers and I just nod.
The next few days, I just stayed in the hospital and I'm still in my memories. Maki and Honami's trying to help me remember what happened before I was rushed to the hospital. We had exams and they said I was so stressed out that I was rushed to the hospital.
Today, I'm running late. I just got discharged from the hospital and I'm already running to school. I have no other bag for me to carry my notebooks with and ugh, their so freaking heavy!!! Why do I even have this many notebooks?! I don't remember having this many!! So much for a fun back to school!!! Ugh!
From all the running and rushing off to school, I'm panting when I shouldn't be, I just got discharged because of my heart! Ugh! Why am I even going to school?! I stop by a lamppost, catching my breath to get ready for another run. I shouldn't be running, but I have no other choice!
I can do this! I run again, trying to run faster than earlier. I keep running, suddenly stumbling when I bumped into someone. I hit the ground and just great! I scraped my knee! It hurts so bad!! I don't have a bandaid... I kneel with my other knee, picking up my things. There's a girl that's helping me out.
"Here." She says, sounding like a boy... I look to the person and.. oh my god! It's a boy! Why does he have long hair?! "Does your knee hurt?" I look at my wound and nod my head, turning back to see him trying to look for something in his pockets. "Come here, and stand up so I can put this on you." I did as he says, wincing in pain when his handkerchief came in contact with the wound. I look down and he placed a bandaid on it.
I hold his hand to help him up and he gave me my things. "Thank you." I give him a smile and he nodded. He turned around to walk away but I grabbed his hand. "What's your name?" He raised his brow, and then he looked away.
"Kozume Kenma." He..? Kozume..? The warmth.. it's..
"Ken...ma...." I blink my eyes repeatedly to adjust to the brightness of the sunlight. I look to my left and find white curtains. I feel warm. I look to my hand when I felt it, it's his. I smile to myself, knowing that he's here. I don't have to check.
I sit up and lean against the headboard, this is more comfortable than laying with my head on these pillows. I pull my hand away from his, massaging it with my other one. How many days have I been out for me to feel this tired? I take off my mask and place it on the side table.
I drink the medicine that was on the side table, and the sound of the glass hitting the surface of it woke him up. He yawned and rubbed his eyes, stretching his arms out. He stopped midway when we met eyes, I give him a smile and he's just blinking. Do I seem like a ghost?
I hold my head when I felt it throb, moving down to lay my head on the pillows. I want to go home. I look at him and he's still in the position I last saw him. I roll my eyes and turn my back against him, I want to sleep but I don't want to sleep. I felt the edge of the bed sink so I turned around and found him with puffy eyes.
"Good morning...? If it's still morning..?" He furrowed his brows and I just smiled. I was taken aback when he suddenly bent over to me and cried on my shoulder. I sit up and pat his back. Why is he crying?
"You were unconscious for a week, and you were rushed to the ER three times.." I let out a sigh, remembering that this is his first time seeing me like this. Wait— why is he here in the first place? I pat his back, stroking my hand up and down to calm him. "Your parents are out.. I'm the only one here." He backs away and wipes his cheeks. Did he stay here?
I remembered what I saw, I should ask if he remembers that time. "We met before." He looks at me as he tied his hair back. "Middle school." He nods, does he not remember it? "I was rushing then I bumped into you—"
"I gave you a bandaid." He smiled and a tear rolled down his cheek. "I remember." A smile forms on my face, hearing him chuckle at me. "You're always.. making me worry.." It sounds like he hasn't slept for days. Did he really stay here?
"Are you the one who watched over me?" He bit his bottom lip and nodded. It's unfair. I have the monitor attached to me and it beeped faster when my heart raced. He chuckled as he turned to the monitor. "Stop laughing... and was meeting me back then the reason why you're being so kind to me?" He continued laughing, making me furrow my brows.
"You know the answer." I groan, rolling my eyes as I laid back down and covered myself with the blanket. He's not going to tell me the answer. "Are you sulking?" I ignored him. Why would I even ask if I knew why? He suddenly pulled the blanket off my head, bending over to press a kiss on my forehead. "Rest." He fixed the blanket that was on me, going back to sit on the chair.
I turn around and reach for his hand, he didn't protest, he let me hold it while I slept. He told me what happened and how frantic my friends were when they heard about me. I'm always worrying my friends, I should take care of myself.
I got discharged the next day since the doctor said I was good to go. It was Kenma who helped me come home, and when I got home, my friends were in my room. Honami, Maki and Ena came over. They gave me looks when they saw Kenma but they stopped and ran to me instead. I will panic if Kenma finds out I like him.
The next few days were okay, nothing out of the norm. I helped Maki and Takeuchi-san with preparing for the prom, and the other days were spent in the volleyball club. I watched the boys lift dumbbells and barbells, it was a pain to watch, I felt like my bones were going to break just by watching.
I actually told myself that Kenma wouldn't be able to lift them up, to my surprise he did.. just kinda.. struggled. I had to hold in my laughter, he was eyeing me after his turn. I casually walked away and went to Kuroo-san instead, but I went back when he asked me about his abs again.
A bottle spilled on me and it was a good thing that Honami had a spare for me, I wouldn't be walking home in my bra with just a jacket to cover me. It was Inuoka and Shibayama who accidentally bumped into me while I was still closing the bottle. They bought me ice cream in the end so it's fine.
Today, we left early in the morning to get here in Miyagi. Kenma apparently got lost and I volunteered to find him, hoping that I could repay him for looking after me but ehe.... I got lost too. I look around and only saw streets after streets, I should just try to trace my tracks... but my anxiety's acting up... Not now..
Suddenly, someone tapped my shoulder. I turn around and saw a handsome silver-haired guy. "Hey, are you perhaps lost?"
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<3