"I'm quitting."
He's baffled. I stand from my seat and he grabs my wrist to stop me. "Why?" I pull my hand away but he tightened his grip, standing to face me properly. "You told me you wanted to stay." Why is he being like this? I push his hand off me, seeing him furrow his brows at my behavior.
"You said it's up to me to decide. This is my decision." I say, turning to head for the door.
Honami and Maki looks at me with worry as they see me cry, first thing in the morning. They just got here and now they have to comfort me over this, I'm keeping this to myself. I run out of the classroom, getting followed by my friends. I want to be alone.
I completely forgot that my friends used to be runners, they caught up to me. They both hold me in place, stopping me from running away from them. I can't even look them in the eye, this is embarrassing. I can't tell them the reason why, I'll just say I'm quitting because of personal matters. That should be enough.
We're all catching out breaths after running out and up to the rooftop. I'm not going to kill myself, were they thinking of that? "Why are you trying to run away from us?" Maki furrowed her brows, eyes speak betrayal.
"Why are you crying?" "I'm quitting," Honami's eyes widened, and they started to water. I told her I'd stay but this is the exact opposite of what I said. She shakes her head and hit my arm.
"(Y/n) you said you'd stay." I look away as I felt guilty for being like this. Honami continues to hit my arm, hits getting stronger every time. "You fucking said you would stay!" She cried, pushing me away from her.
Maki held her back and all I could do is look at her with guilt. I know Honami's trying to help me with whatever I'm going through, and that's why she wants me to stay; I'm being ridiculous aren't I? Just because of seeing Kenma out with a girl, I'm already acting up. I don't even have rights.
"I-I'll come with you to Miyagi, but I have to rest from club activities." I say, biting my lip as I hesitated if I should say it was just a temporary decision. "T-This is just a t-temporary decision.. I still have time to think.. Please."
Honami walks up to me, biting her lip and clenching her fist as she looked at me. She's angry. "I hate you." My tears fell at the sound of how hurt she is.. I'm sorry. "I'm your best friend but why do you never consider my feelings too?" Why won't you consider mine?
"It's just for the time being." I answer.
I hug her tight and she just cried on me, she's not protesting. "Just stay.. Please? I want you to stay in the team. You're needed there." Honami calms down and wraps her arms around my waist. "What will you do while you're not in the club?"
"I'll accept the offer of being a part of the student council. I'll help Maki plan for the prom. It won't be long, I'll come back." She nods slowly and Maki pats our backs, hugging the two of us.
I shouldn't act like this. It's not like I had a chance from the very start. He always suddenly changes from happy to annoyed. That means he doesn't like having me around. Everything was just pretend, our friendship was just pretend— I fantasized a relationship. I hurt myself.
The two headed back to the classroom and I made my way to the office. I had to inform the coaches that I'll be taking a break from the club, but I will be there to be of help when they come to Miyagi. I need to stay away to get used to being away. It's the only thing I could think of.
I should get used to not feeling his warmth again. Let's go back to square one, let's think of Kenma as a stranger and someone we just met. It's the best way. He usually avoids me or ignores me, completely disregards what I say, and the guy who got mad at me for helping him out.
But the memories we created, those aren't pretend. They might've not been consistently good but they're still memories. I had attacks while he was around, he went all the trouble to help me and calm me down. He went to Setagaya City just to bring me home— does not of these mean anything?
The coaches let me be, they said it's for the best. I made sure to explain that my decision is only temporary and is completely based on my current emotions, and that I will be there to help the boys with their practice match. I want to still change my decision, for me and for everyone else. I hope I could change my decision.
I also spoke to the principal that I'd join the student council and help them out while I'm not coming to the volleyball club. The principal was more than happy to have me join them, I just laughed along to make myself look like I wasn't uncomfortable with all his expectations. I feel like my patience is going to be tested.
Heading back to class, I felt nervous. Being his seat mate while I'm trying to avoid him, while I want to avoid him, is so difficult. Why didn't I move to a different seat while I still can? Oh, right. First day, first anxiety attack of the school year. While they probably asked the others if they wanted to change seats, I wasn't in class.
I furrowed my brows when I saw him using the notebook, the one I was supposed to lend him. "That's mine." I grab it from him, hearing him grunt and stand to get it back from me. "Why are you trying to get it back?"
"You wrote the notes for me." Ugh, same scene. I keep moving my arm away so that he wouldn't reach it, and he never gave up to try and get it back. This is mine.
Suddenly I hit my back to the wall, and my head almost came in contact with it too. But, he had his hand behind my head to keep my head from hitting the wall. My heart's racing again. He looked at me with worry, thinking that I hit my head. I shove the notebook to his chest before walking to my seat.
These moments. This type of moments with him are making me like him, why is he doing those things? He accepted whatever the girl was giving, so that means he said yes to the confession. Why is he still being like that to me? It's annoying.
He takes his seat, throwing the notebook lightly to his desk. I saw him clench his fist, relaxing it after a few seconds. He turned around and faced me. "Why are you avoiding me again?" I look away and ignored him. "(Y/n)." He sounded hurt, confused, and mad. Why?
"Don't talk to me." I simply answer, turning to see his eyes red. I turn to my bag; getting my notebook, textbook, and pen for the first period. I don't feel like making my notes colorful today.
There's still 30 minutes before first period starts and I'm already suffocating with having to sit beside him. I have to do something while it's not time yet. I stand to go out, having Kenma grab my wrist. I groan and pull my arm away, but he only held it tighter for me to stay in place.
"Let go," "(Y/n)-san!" I blink thinking if I heard someone call me. I turn to the door and found a student, whom I don't know of. I try pulling my arm away again, groaning as I turn to look at Kenma. His eyes are begging me to stay. I pull away, glaring at him before heading to the guy.
I give the student a smile, trying to make it look like I know him when I don't. "You don't know me, do you?" I let out an awkward chuckle, smiling apologetically. "I'm Takeuchi Makoto, the student council president." My mouth formed the shape of an 'o' and I bowed immediately. "It's fine." He chuckled.
"Call me (Y/n), only (Y/n). Having -san in my name makes me sound like I'm someone of importance." He smirks, cupping my cheek and played with my hair. I am taken aback by this. "T-Takeuchi-san.." He chuckled and pulled away, ruffling my hair as he smiled at me.
"Careful (Y/n), he's a complete flirt." I turn to Maki and she links her arm with mine, defending me from the president. "He's the only third year in the council, so he's president." I tilt my head at Maki, asking her if he never became a part because of his skills. "He's responsible and very reliable, just beware of him flirting every now and then." Takeuchi-san rolled his eyes and Maki glared at him.
"Say bye bye to your boyfriend before we go." I furrow my brows at him, who?
"I have none of such." He nods and leads us the way to the council room. Kenma's not my boyfriend. He's someone else's.
I looked around the room, feeling so excited about what I'll be doing here. I am immediately the secretary, that just means I'll have lots and lots of things to do. I smiled when I saw that they kept pictures of special events in this room, they even had a picture of Nekomata-sensei and Coach Ukai. Volleyball club...
Takeuchi-san explained what they were currently doing, and they're preparing for the prom. They already had a theme for the prom which is good, I wouldn't have to stress myself out by trying to think of it.
Their problem is the venue. I suggested to have it at a gym but they wanted it to be special, they said they were planning to have the prom at a hotel. The school will be paying for the expenses so it should be fine, but.. which hotel? We're gonna be going to hotels, this will be tiring.
I'm really excited about preparing for the event, but I'm not excited about going alone. I don't have anyone to ask to be my date— I don't have someone to ask me out. He wouldn't because he never thought of it. He has someone else.
Takeuchi-san escorted us back to class. Maki went ahead inside and I stayed because he held my hand, it's not the same. I look up to meet his face, only an inch away from mine. I can't push him away, he's a senior.. He chuckled and ruffled my hair. "I'll see you later." I nod and head inside.
I met eyes with the girl who confessed to Kenma, and I saw that hers were filled with sadness and pain. She looked away and averted her attention to the others. Shouldn't she be happy that she's got him?
Kenma slid the notebook to me, making me look at him. He tried to get it back and now he's just giving it to me? He looks sad, why should I care? His girlfriend should comfort him. "Why'd you give it back?"
"Because I don't like taking things by force, especially from you." I raise my brow at him, sliding it back but he placed his hand on mine to stop me. "I'll just ask someone else, or I could just try to understand things on my own." He takes my hand off the notebook and he places it under my desk. "I'm sorry."
I take out the notebook and open the page where it had the notes I wrote for the past three days. I held the papers to rip it off but he stopped me. He held my hands to calm me down and not act according to my emotions. "Your girlfriend will be upset." He lets go of my hands and heads out.
Kenma didn't return to class until he was caught skipping it by staying at the rooftop. I ignored him and minded my own business. The teacher apologized and said it's probably because he was sick the past few days. What is wrong with him?
I just became attentive to the discussion, not minding the sulking cat beside me. The teacher would ignore him when he falls asleep in class. I didn't mind him either, it's not like waking him up will benefit me in any way.
Kinda had trouble comprehending the problem given, and I don't have anyone to ask what to do. I try reading it again and again until I could understand the problem, but I still couldn't. This doesn't take up much of my grades, it'll be fine.... it's not fine!! I have to get nice grades!
I lean on my chair, brushing my hair back from all The frustration that's building up in me. I'm just at number one, I only have a few minutes to answer all three problems. I can't afford to fail this.
All I need is to explain what to do whenever there's a situation like the ones written on the paper, but I don't understand the situation. What does these words mean? I mean, I know what they mean but I don't understand a thing. My head is too occupied!
A piece of paper's suddenly slid in front of me, making me turn to my seat mate who nonchalantly just passed me that. He didn't look at me or said anything, so I just got the piece of paper to read it. He paraphrased the problems, why is he wasting his time on me?
I answered the problems and passed it to the teacher. He didn't pass until the last minute when he usually passes his papers as early as he can. What is wrong with him? Oh, maybe he's too overwhelmed about having a girlfriend.
Why am I so against the idea of him having someone else? I shouldn't even care about that, it's not my business. He can choose to go out with anyone he wants, I'm only a background character in his life. I'm nothing.
Maybe I should've listened to Keiji when he warned me about this. I always get warnings but I never listen to them and I always end up hurting myself. Keiji clearly told me the possibilities of me getting hurt once I entered the same thing again. I guess love isn't for me.
The bell rang and the teacher left. I take out my snacks, eating without even going to my friends. "(Y/n)~!" I turn to the voice and found Takeuchi-san outside, waving and smiling brightly at me. "I have to show you something!" I roll my eyes and head to him.
He started explaining a lot of things to me, mostly things I'd be doing as the secretary. He warned me about the amount of paperwork I might be working on, he said he'd help in case I would be struggling. I already know I will.
Takeuchi-san brought me to the council room and showed me the idea concerning the prom. He said he drew everything that he was showing me. He admitted that he already went to some hotels and checked them.
"Will this be a nice color for prom?" He showed me the design in Navy Blue. I paused and looked at it from different angles. "Or this one?" I shake my head, seeing the color Green. "Red maybe?" I chuckle and shake my head again.
"Navy blue would be nice, but you can also choose Red, a different shade of Red. It is the color of our jerseys." I give him the ones with Navy Blue and Red, smiling at him. He suddenly turn the chair around, trapping me in between his arms.
"You're a pretty cat, sadly, seems like someone's got your heart." I raise my brow at him and he brings his face closer, our lips almost touching. I furrow my brows at how close he is and he smirks. "Or should I take your heart?" I try pushing him away but he held my hand and kissed the back of it. "I could just kiss you right now."
"Stop this.." I beg, incredibly uncomfortable with what he was doing. He cups my cheek and he placed a kiss on my forehead. There's no warmth, it's all by force. "S-Stop.." He brushed my hair back and kissed the top of my head.
"Makoto!" Maki yells, grabbing him and pulling him away from me. She runs up to me and hugs me tight. Takeuchi-san just chuckled at me. "Fuck off man! What are you doing?" I hold on tight to her, feeling my heart pound inside my chest. She caressed my back and brushed my hair.
Maki brings me back to our classroom, comforting me as much as she can to stop myself from having an attack. She tried cheering me up by making jokes but none of them worked, there's only one method in my head that could help me.
We met Kenma by the door and his eyes widened at the sight of me trying to breathe. Maki didn't mind the pudding head and just brought me to my seat. I didn't bring my medicine today, I haven't been bringing it because I've been fine without it... not now.
I started crying when I saw a pair of scissors, why does everything have to happen at this moment? Maki tried to make me drink but my hand was shaking so much, I couldn't get a hold of the bottle. She tried holding my hands to help but she herself was cold. She's also panicking.
I rest my head on my desk, crying from the struggle of trying to stop myself from having an attack and hurting myself. I saw a pen, it's open. I pick it up and Maki tried to take it away from me, but I pulled my hand away only to have someone else take it from me.
I didn't look up, I didn't have to look up. The warmth.. it's his. He grabbed my hand and brought me outside again, dragging me to the infirmary. He made me sit on the bed and he closed all the curtains for me not to see the sharp objects around us, there were a lot. He got the oxygen mask and helped me wear it. Same bed.
He held my hands, stopping me from pinching myself. He wiped my cheeks and brushed my hair back. He sat beside me, holding my hands tight and he intertwined our fingers. He looked at me with worry, his chest rising up and going down as he tried to catch his breath.
The sight of him doing this to me, doing these things for me makes me want to cry more. We're just friends and he has someone else, yet why is he still here? I cried on my hands and he pulled me close to cry on his shoulder. I'd hit his chest and he wouldn't say anything to me, he's just letting me.
I pull the mask up to speak. "Why..? Just leave me.." He puts the mask on me again, taking my hand away from it. He never spoke a word and just let me cry on him. Why is he still doing this?
I back away, wanting to talk to him face to face. I take the mask off, not caring whether I could breathe or not. He tried to reach for the mask but I grabbed his wrist and pushed it away. "I'll leave if that's what you want, but please wear the mask."
"Stop... doing these things for me." He furrows his brows, turning to the floor to avoid eye contact. His other hand still held mine, and he's caressing it with his thumb. "If you keep doing this then what will the girl say?"
"I never accepted anyone's confession, (Y/n)." He cups my cheek, looking at me like it's the last time he'll see me. He brought his hand to my nape and kissed my forehead. "Do you think that me doing this doesn't mean anything?" I look away but him resting his forehead on mine made me look back. "Do you really think that way?"
"I do." He lets out a sigh and lets me go. "You're only doing this because you're helping me calm down." He brushed his hair back and sighed again. What's with him? "Isn't this all just that?"
He makes me lay down, getting the mask to make me wear it again. He brushed my hair and tied it at the side. He looked at me, biting his lip before leaning in to kiss my forehead again. "Get some rest. We'll talk when you want to." He stood from the bed and headed out, glancing at me before he left.
Why did he kiss my forehead before he left? He really should stop doing that, I don't like it. If I was being selfish then I'd say, "I love it," but I can't be selfish. It helps, I admit that it really helps to have him comfort me. He always manages to calm me down. Maybe it's because I'm being submissive because of my feelings.. but he should stop.
He never explains why he's doing that, he just does. It would've been nice if he would just tell me why he's doing it, but he always keeps things to himself. If he won't stop then I'd have to push him away to make him stop.
I fell asleep after crying, he's starting to annoy me. Why won't he just listen? It's really irritating that he keeps on doing things without a reason, he keeps making me feel like there's something to it when there's none. Will hating you be a way to stop getting hurt?
He's done so many things that I don't understand. He started holding my hands, hugging me, telling me things to comfort me, and kissing my forehead. He clearly didn't mean any of those. But why? Why does he have to hold my hand tight like he doesn't want me to go? Why?
Why did he search for me? Why did he get himself sick just for me? Completely meaningless! None of those have any meaning to them, he just felt guilty that's why he ran after me. He likes someone else and it's not me. His gaze.. his warmth.. they made me hope for more when there could only be less.
Waking up I found Maki sleeping with her head on the side of the bed. I sit up and take the mask off me, realizing that I still couldn't breathe without it. I start tapping Maki's arm when I felt like was choking to death.
I hold my neck, gasping for air as I started to cry. I repeatedly tapping Maki's arm as my vision started to blur. She sits up and her eyes widened. My head and my heart are throbbing, they hurt like hell. I can't inhale more air for me to breathe.
Maki puts the mask on me but I still couldn't breathe. She pat my back while she called someone on the phone. Only a few minutes later, Kenma's here again. He's panting, did he run here? He walks up to me and he pulled me into a hug.
"I'm here.. Calm down.." Why are you here? He stroked his hand up and down my hair, patting my back with his other hand.
"Why'd you leave her earlier? You knew this was going to happen." Maki complains, sounding so mad that he left me here. I didn't want him here. I didn't hear Kenma's response, his voice was quiet. "You should've stayed either way!" Why are they arguing?
Kenma covered my ears, maybe he didn't want me to hear anything, but I heard more. "I don't want to force her to just let me stay when she told me not to." So he left because of me. "I'll leave once she calms down. That's what she wants." Hearing him say that makes me want to cry..
"But she can't always have what she wants! She needs you right now! You can't just leave her, she's struggling.." Maki rebuttals, not liking the idea of him leaving me while I'm having trouble.
"She can.. as long as it concerns me." I look up to see him smiling, why is he smiling? I wrap my arms around his waist and cried on his chest. Why? Why does he have to be like this? He can just leave me be, but why does he have to do these things for me?
I can feel Maki's hand brush through my hair, I can hear her sigh as she looked at me. Kenma didn't say anything else and just stayed quiet, he really shouldn't be doing this anymore. I will never get used to the world if he keeps saving me from it.
I don't know how to feel about this. He's only helping me, right? No more, no less. There's no other reason why. I appreciate the help, but he can't keep doing this, it's creating too many thoughts in my head. I can't go on.
I have to fake it. I back away and wipe my face with my sleeves, I take the mask off me and place it on the side table. "You can leave." Kenma bends down to level his face with mine, eyeing me. "What? You can leave..." I furrow my brows and he lets out a sigh.
"Then I'll leave." He gave me a small smile before turning on his heel. "I think she can take care of herself, she's holding it in pretty well." He tells Maki, and he finally leaves us here.
"Just why are you avoiding him?" Maki asks, stopping me from leaving the room. I shake my head and she pulls me back. "(L/n) (F/n), you have been hiding so much from us. Are you gonna keep running away?"
Running away.. I've done nothing but run away. I don't even ask for help even when I need it, then I'd say that they're not there for me when I needed them the most. In reality, I'm pushing everyone away. Why am I doing that? Am I scared?
I explained it to her, telling her everything that she should know. It's kinda weird how I just gave in and told her the truth. Well... My friends do matter to me the most. If I lose them, then I'm gonna lose it too. They're all that I have once I lose everything.
I got a mouthful from her, she said that I'm so stupid for not even understanding the whole situation and for not even realizing why Kenma keeps doing that. I asked her why and she didn't tell me, she's leaving me in the dark. She said I should be the one to understand why he keeps doing things.
Maki scolded me, telling me more things that I should be able to understand but, having her say a lot is hard to take in. She also told me to listen to the story first before coming to a decision, and I know that already. I just almost end up acting according to my emotions.
"Maki are you mad?" I ask, playing with the sheets to avoid eye contact. Honami and Maki are scary when they get mad, I don't want them to be mad at me.
"Nope. I'm just worried, and you're stupid. You can see people's emotions through their eyes but you can't interpret them." Maki brushed my hair, braiding it to keep it away from my face. She gave me a reassuring smile and hugged me tight. "Friends come first." She kissed my cheek and we both made the bed.
Maki linked arms with me as we headed to the council room, I kinda don't want to go there. Takeuchi-san's gonna be there and it's going to be hard to be around him. He's kind.. it's just scary to have him do that. If he says it was a joke, I don't know what I'll do.
There hasn't been much with the drama club so Maki's spending more time with the council. She doesn't seem to mind the fact that she's not doing anything in the drama club, and yet I'm scared of being away from my club.
Takeuchi-san's sketching something on his desk when we got here, he seems so focused on what he's doing, he didn't even notice that we came in. Maki showed me what to do and she helped me with the work.
It wasn't really that hard, it's just really a lot of work and you'd be stressed out just by looking at the stacks of papers in this room. After a few sheets, I've gotten the hang of doing my job. I'd look at Maki from time to time, and she looks like a professional— she looks like one in everything she does.
At some point, Takeuchi-san went to us with his sketches; he dropped them when he saw me, it's as if he saw a ghost, do I look like one? Maybe with the puffy eyes? Pale face? I haven't eaten anything yet... I guess I do look like a ghost.
Maki handed me a clipboard of all the students that could come to prom. Those who have good grades can come, and those who needs work on their grades can come too, just that they'd have to attend summer classes. I hope I don't need any work on mine..
She said the students are listed according to the year level and grades. On our level our top 3 student are..... Maki, Yukata, and him. I'm not even near them. I need work on my grades, I definitely need work on them. Top 20 isn't acceptable, I have to aim for the top.
Kenma's 1x1 picture in the records are from back then, they never got him to change it. He still has black hair in this one, blonde kinda suits him more. Why am I looking at his records again? I'm supposed to check the list not his records, the hell am I doing?
"We're done!" Maki cheered, throwing herself to me to give me a hug. I almost fell of my chair, but thankfully she pulled me back to keep me on it. "Let's check on Honami??" I smile and nod.
"You're leaving?" Takeuchi-san asks and we both nod, picking up our bags to leave. "(Y/n)." I turn to him and he looks a bit nervous to even speak to me. "I'm sorry, heard you had an anxiety attack." I blink a few times, thinking of something to say. Unable to, I just gave him a nod and I headed out with Maki.
We got to the gym and Honami immediately runs up to hug us. She mostly hugged me for being away. Just like the day I got back, everyone went to me and the first years faked a cry. Shibayama and Inuoka said they made a bet with Yamamoto about whether I'd stop by or not, and they won. I miss them.
I looked around to search for him, finding the girl who confessed to him in here too. Maki and Honami followed where I was looking at, giving me pats on the back, telling me it's okay. I never said anything?? They're dramatic! I didn't say a thing.. but he's speaking to the girl.
I make my way to Kuroo-san earning a tight hug and a pat on the head from him. He told me the things that happened while I was gone, he also explained the thing about the girl. She's apparently trying to have him as her date, but he already rejected her. The hell?
Kuroo-san gives me a smirk, making me raise my brow at him. He's always scheming something. "Why don't you go ahead and speak to Kenma? I think I know why he's down." I roll my eyes at him and he bends down to level with me. "Hard to get?" I furrow my brows and his smirk grew wider so I pushed him away. "Kenma!"
I tried running away but Kuroo-san grabbed my wrist. How the hell did he even get it?! He wasn't even facing me!! I tried making him pull away but even if I pinch him he wouldn't budge. Kenma slowly made his way up to us, his eyes on our hands. The girl also followed— she's clingy.
I attempt to get away but he only gripped my wrist tighter. I whimpered and squatted down when I felt my wrist snap. Good thing it's my left! Kuroo-san looks at me and immediately lets go. It hurts so bad. It's making me cry. I could still feel my hand but it's extremely numb.
"Oh my god! Why'd you grip her wrist that tight?! She has an injury!" Ena runs to me and checks my hand, telling me to breathe. Maki and Honami also runs up to me. "Kuroo!" Why did she call him without a suffix?
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! She also kept on pulling away and her wrist ju—!" Kuroo-san exclaims.
"Why are you blaming her?" Kenma cuts him off and he kneels in front of me. He takes my wrist and I tried pulling away but he held my forearm. "Trust me." He gets a hold of my hand, gently massaging it. I cry on Ena when he started going down and closer to my wrist.
I yelped when he suddenly pulled it, and I heard squeals from everyone— the boys squealed? I didn't feel his hand anymore so I tried to move my hand, it doesn't hurt as much as earlier.
"All better?" Kenma asks and I give him a nod, making him smile. He stands and walks away from me.
Kuroo-san got a mouthful from my best friends and from the coaches, I didn't really complain about anything, but okay. I feel bad though, he wasn't really expecting anything like that to happen to me, he only wanted to tease the hell out of me.
I look around and realized that Kenma's not here anymore, I excuse myself from everyone and head out to look for him. What's with the sudden urge of wanting to talk to him? I told him to leave me alone, but I'm the one who's chasing him too.
"Kenma!" I call out, seeing him with the girl from earlier. I want to talk things out, I want to know the truth. Is everything meaningless or not? He turns to me and his eyes widened when he saw me.
I stop and hold on to my knees as I catch my breath. "Can you breathe?" I give him an okay sign, losing my balance from the lack of oxygen. "You're such a liar." He said, catching me before I fell.
I hold on to his arm, trying my best to keep standing. Kenma held me by my shoulders, looking at me with worry. "Can we talk?"
I want to get things straight. I don't want to keep running away when I get hurt, I want to face it and right now.. I will face it. Will our talk end on a good note?
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