𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄

[𝟏𝟏]

TW : SA
MADISON'S POV
two years ago

I was only thirteen. I didn't understand. All I knew was that whatever was happening to me wasn't normal. This feeling of someone on top of me, the sound of grunting. The pain in an area even I was foreign to. I was lying there, motionless. Waiting for someone to save me like in those books and movies.

But even after two more hours of nonmutual grunting and pumping and moaning, the room still only held both of our presences.

I asked him to stop but he didn't listen,

I tried to leave but he held me down,

I refused to get naked but he ripped my clothes off anyway.

I think that was the most terrifying part of it all. The fact that I actually tried just made me feel worse... almost like I wasn't good enough to win the battle. It didn't make sense to me but my mind kept telling me that I wasn't. I wasn't even good enough to listen to.

After he got off of me, he just smiled down at me and kissed my lips. He zipped up his pants and left my parents' room, leaving me there. Unsure of what else to do, I just sat up and looked around the room for my clothes.

When I didn't find them, Miles Horecruft leaving the room flashed into my mind. He took my virginity and my clothes.

I got up from the bed but immediately fell to the floor, crying out in pain. The pain between my legs was beyond scary. Why did it hurt so bad and why was there blood coming down my leg?

I frantically crawled back up onto the bed. Blood.

There was blood everywhere. From the bed to where I'd sat on the floor. And after that, I couldn't hold it in, I fell back to the floor, falling into a fit of sobs.

What do I do?

Who do I tell?

What if I'm pregnant?

"Mads?" A voice called from the doorway, hurrying over to me. It was Annie. At the time, she'd been one of my best friends. "Holy crap, why are you naked? What happened?"

"I..." I trailed off, my words being shoved back down my throat as Miles walked past the open door and winked at me. A shiver ran down my spine and Annie stood up.

"Wait here, I'll bring your clothes." She spared me one last look before shutting the door behind her. I pulled the blanket from the corner of the bed and wrapped it around myself.

The music downstairs was still blaring and I could hear Sam and Grant's large steps and calls of my name. Any second they'd come in and I didn't know what to do. Quickly grabbing my phone, I shot a text to Annie.

Me: If the boys ask tell them someone came in and
stole my clothes while I was showering

Nie: how is lieing so easy for you?

Me: You spelled lying wrong

A few moments later Annie barged into the room, slamming and locking the door behind her, her eyes wide. "The boys are clearing out the house but um..." She bit her lip.

After a moment of silence, she sighed. "Your mom and dad are going to be home tomorrow."

Everything after that was a blur, mainly because tears clouded my vision. All I remember was showering and changing then going to bed. I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened so the rest of the night, I cried my eyes out. I was still bleeding a little bit and still in pain.

Somehow, I felt like it was all my fault. While he was... doing that to me, he kept telling me about how 'hot' I looked, how amazing my figure was. I couldn't help but feel like this all happened because I wore some shorts that were a little too short. But the thing was, I was also wearing a hoodie. Sam's hoodie.

So all it was, was the shorts? Or was it that my boobs had grown to fit into the sweatshirt better than the rest of me?

🥥

It'd been a year since the incident. I was over the toilet, shoving my fingers down my throat for about the fifth time that day.

At school, a boy told me my boobs and ass looked nice and he grabbed both. Later on- after history, he tried shoving me into the janitor's closet. But... just like in the books, an angel saved me.

...Or rather Spencer Rieder saved me. He was Sam's friend Grace's brother. Well, I didn't know if they were friends but they looked like they joked around a lot.

Spencer pulled me back out of the boy's arms. "You okay?"

I shrugged, not able to look him in the eye. "Yeah."

"A hundred percent?" I nodded, turning to leave but he grabbed my arm. Suddenly, Miles' face flashed in my head and I froze, shaking my arm out of Spencer's grasp.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yes, I'm fine, he just scared me." My eyes drifted down to his hand on my arm. "Please let go."

And he did.

He wanted you too, I thought.

he wanted to hurt you just like Miles.

He was going to hurt you.

I pushed past the people in the hallway and rushed into the bathroom.

I'd googled how to make my boobs smaller one time. After the Miles incident, the whole school was convinced I had the biggest boobs known to man. It wasn't abnormal that guys were touching me at that point.

As much as I hated to admit it, I was used to it.

Anyway, it said that a big part of your breasts is fat and usually losing a little bit of weight was the solution to losing 'boob-weight'.

I doubled over the toilet and this time... I didn't need to shove my fingers down my throat to make me throw up. The thought of all those guys touching me and Miles raping me was enough for me to projectile vomit.

After throwing up at least two more times, I stood. It looked terrible. But it made me finally feel in control again.

Originally, I'd stuff my face to cope, to be able to control something in my life but... I liked this a lot better because I couldn't control the stares or the touching or the intrusive thought. I couldn't control my meltdowns and anxiety attacks when anyone of the male species even looked at me.

I liked the burning in my throat and chest. And how my heart would slow then speed back up after I did it again. I needed this. I needed to control my body before it got me hurt again and this was the way that'd seem to be working the best.

I pushed the door to the stall open to find Annie standing there horrified.

"What were you doing?" Her eyebrows were knit together and she looked like she herself was about to throw up.

I cleared my throat but it sounded like more of a cough, my throat was abnormally sore now. "Mom must've put mushrooms in my... omelet. Yeah, my omelet, you know I hate those things."

I quickly washed my hands but when I turned for the door she held onto my arm. "That was more than some bad mushrooms, Maddie."

I shrugged, before saying, "We also had orange juice. Ya' know, the one that's been there since the beginning of October?"

She shook her head at me in disbelief, disappointment clouding her features. "Are you seriously lying to me right now? I'm not stupid!"

"Then piece it together yourself since you're such a genius!" I snapped. She froze, nodding slowly.

"That's how it is now, Mads?" She nodded again, kissing her teeth. "Come talk to me when you pull that stick out your ass, yeah?"

With that, she left the bathroom, the contentment from before completely fleeting my system. Before I could go back into the stall to try and salvage it, the bell rang.

I didn't stop after that. I purged and purged and eventually, it became an obsession that was becoming harder and harder to hide.

One night after dinner, I had to brush my teeth before bed. I didn't have my glasses on but I swear I saw a stain on my tooth. I moved in closer to the mirror to find mostly all my teeth stained.

Crap, crap, crap.

I pulled the drawer out and scrambled through it for Grant's whitening strips he always used. But he was out. I just decided on the next best thing. I put a mountain of toothpaste on my toothbrush and started scrubbing it against my teeth for at least five minutes.

The toothpaste was supposed to help whitten teeth but nothing changed, mine were still stained.

I couldn't do this anymore, I'd be ugly and no one would want me when I got older. I looked myself over in the mirror, trying to comprehend how I'd turned into the girl staring back at me.

Somehow, it got worse after that. I went from eating a shit ton and purging to none. The slightest mention of food sent a terrible feeling shooting through my stomach. Every. Single. Time.

The whole thing went on for maybe a few weeks before Annie noticed.

"Maddie?" She spoke softly, waking me up. I looked up to find I was in math, I must've fallen asleep but I couldn't quite remember. My memory had gotten worse over that past week.

"Hm?" I hummed, rubbing my eyes.

"Come on, lets get you something to drink." She sat me up before pulling me from my seat. At that point, I barely had enough energy to walk, my limbs were almost nonfunctional due to my lack of sleep and food.

I wanted to stab myself in my stomach. It hurt so much that I couldn't explain it. My head was beating like my heart and I couldn't understand why.

Annie had been helping me try to get/feel better but nothing worked. We couldn't do anything without involving my parent and I wanted so badly to keep them out of this. They'd have been disappointed if they knew what was going on.

I was already disappointed in myself as it was, I didn't need my parents to be too.

No matter what I did, the thoughts would return. The ones telling me to kill myself, the ones telling me I wasn't enough for anyone. Over that past year, I'd wanted so badly to be dead. No matter how much I tried to numb it, it always came back.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle myself. I wasn't just a burden on Annie or my family, I was a burden on myself. If I could've disappeared, I would've.

Actually, I did. All thanks to Spencer Rieder, who eventually got wheeled in too.

I was minding my own business, Grant and Sam went home before me that day so I was left walking home. Annie walked home too but she lived closer to the school meaning I was all alone now.

I was eating cheerios. I'd let them dissolve in my mouth instead of chewing. I think I'd read somewhere that chewing makes you gain more weight. Which now that I thought about it, was probably total BS. Either way, my teeth felt weak and achy so letting the cheerios sit on my tongue was the best option either way.

I'd only had one so far and when I reached to grab another one, I tripped over thin air.

"Dang it, my cheerios," I grumbled, standing. Then I'm pushed back to the ground. I tried looking up but I only get a glimpse and the person's shoes.

"Hey, nice shoes." I'd gestured to Spencer's shoes.

"Thanks, nice..." He looked me up and down before flashing me a smile. "Everything. Nice everything. You're really pretty."

"Spencer." I breathed out.

🥥

The next thing I see is a white ceiling and a weird smell. A clean smell. I wasn't outside anymore.

"Maddie!" A familiar voice piped up, jumping onto the bed I was laying on and hugging me. "Jesus, I thought you were freaking dead."

"Sadly, I'm not."

He punched my shoulder, grinning. "Don't say that. We need you, Mads."

I think... no. I know. That was the moment I started feeling okay, not completely but I felt a piece of my heart fall back in place. It may have been for a second but that second meant the world to me. My brother always made me feel better. But this? This was beyond anything he'd ever told me.

Because this time, I knew he really meant it.

"Fine, fine." I rolled my eyes. When I looked back at Sam he wasn't there. "Sam?"

"Ah, so it worked." A voice spoke from near the door as footsteps neared.

"Huh?"

"There's no Sam here. You're on meds, sweetheart." He grabbed me by my chin and made me look him straight in the eyes. His cold, dead, eyes. "Your parents are on their way, Madison. When I hear them, it's going to beep, the machine that is. Do you understand?"

When I didn't answer, he gripped my chin harder. "Do. You. Understand?" He repeated, slower this time.

I was confused, And quite frankly, I was scared shitless. This kind of thing happened in movies and books. There was no such thing as evil doctors that wanted to kidnap you in real life... right?

I nodded frantically and he loosened his grip. "You're going to hold your breath. Once I tell them to leave, you can let go of your breath. We're taking you somewhere special, Madison. Somewhere for special kids like you."

"I... I don't understand." I furrowed my eyebrows, tears clouding my eyes.

"Oh, but you will. Just you wait." Frantic steps near the door and he moved to the other side of my bed and when the door inches over he spoke up in a whisper. "Now."

He'd scared me enough to cloud my judgment and that part of my head telling me to run went numb. A beeping sound rang through the room but the sound of panic was drowned out by my focus on not crying.

I didn't understand anything anymore. I just wanted to go home and make everything go away. After what felt like hours, the man gave me the okay to breathe but not to open my eyes. Moments later my bed was rolled down the hospital hallway.

When I passed Sam I made sure to breathe out a quiet,

"Rieder." To this, his eyes widened and he looked so much sadder yet angrier.

I couldn't see anything but I could hear everything. Sam was screaming and yelling and I just knew my dad was holding him back. Grant was sobbing so loud, he almost drowned out Sam's yelling.

Crying wasn't an option so I just stood there listening. My mom's sobs were low but I knew them anywhere. And my dad? I could just feel how frozen he was. I peaked my eyes open only to see Sam being held back, just as I'd thought.

Finally, they were no longer in my line of vision.

This whole time... Sam had been the only thing keeping me hopeful. Like in the books, you know? Where there's that light in the character's life? Sam was my light.

~present-day~~

My arms are pushed against the wall and I'm patted down, just as usual. It's a daily thing everyone here has to go through. By everyone, I mean Spencer, Hana, JJ, and Iris. And me of course.

I gasp. "Did you just touch my ass, Gregory?"

I could just feel him roll his eyes. "I'm checking your pockets, Madison."

"Mhm, we all know you've been horny since Hana left you high and dr- OW! What the hell, man?!" How dare he slap my head?

"That's what you get and you know the Hana thing is a secret so shut it, kid." He warns, pushing me out of the way and patting down JJ next.

"We all know you wanna bone Hana," I mutter, patting him on the back.

"Get back to your room, Madison." He rolls his eyes. Now my job here is done, it's JJ's turn to mess with Greg, the 'security' guard.

I walk back into my room and slump onto the bed.

Over the last two years, I'd been force-fed food. They always said eating disorders were for the weak. Which they weren't completely wrong but calling me out like that was just straight rude.

"Did he touch your ass again?" Spencer asks from across the room. I roll my eyes, sitting up.

"Yes, and it's all your fault."

"What? How's it my fault?" He demands. I raise a brow at him.

3...

2...

1...

"Oh, shit. Yeah, did I apologize for that yet?"

I grab the rock that the people here call a pillow and chuck it at him. "Yes, Spence, you have. Every day since you got stuck in here too."

His mouth forms into a perfect 'o' and he goes back to doing whatever the hell he's doing and I lay back.

"YES!" He screams, making me shoot up.

"What?!" I yell, looking around the room like I'm about to get swallowed by deadly waters.

"We're going home." He breathes out, the biggest smile across his face.