Practice makes perfect, that’s something you're told your entire life. Its something I was told while I was being potty trained, its something I was told when learning how to read, its something I was told when I was learning how to play the guitar and it was something I was told every time I did a math equation. I had always thought this to be true, it is the only logical thing, why would humans try to do anything if you wouldn’t eventually be good at it?
But what no one tells you is that it heart break never gets easy.
When you think of heart break you automatically think that someone got dumped or cheated on or maybe someone died.
I didn’t know that you're heart could physically hurt, from something that happened to someone else, not today but years ago.
People say that if you ever get to this level of compassion its because you’ve been through a similar experience but as I heard Elliott scream , no matter how quiet it was my heart shattered.
Little fragments cutting open my veins and my scratching my bones, I could feel every hair follicle on my body stand on edge and I felt my heart grow cold from the amount of pain that was in the sound.
At first my only reaction was to make it stop but it went as fast as it came, the sound residing through him. The muted TV lit the room enough for me to see Elliott struggling against something in his sleep.
He had always seemed so serene in his sleep but not now.
His arms were pinned above his head by an invisible force, his lips were pressed together and his eyes squeezed shut, his pale skin was flushed with an unhealthy tint.
His breathing was labored and I knew that no matter how many times I saw that scene replay in my mind I would never get use to it, I would never be able to perfect the act of not getting my heart broken by the man in front of me.
It was as if my sense finally came back to me and I realized that I could needed to wake him up.
I pushed off my bed , only resulting in my near demise as a blanket I had not seen was covering me. I reached Elliott , not knowing what to do I placed my hand on his wrist, willing him to wake up but he only shuttered.
I put my other hand on his shoulder, the outstanding cold that generally only over took his hands had spread through out his upper body. I ran my fingers down his cheek watching as Goosebumps over took his skin and he relaxed slightly, the tension in his body slowly fading. When his whole body was at ease I slowly brought myself to lay beside his sleeping form.
I could only imagine what type of night mare he had been facing. I grabbed his arm and gently wrapped it around me as I settled on my side. The warmth in the small cottage was enough to keep me warm and from the way Elliott was sweating cold a blanket was not a good idea.
I had always thought that I would be disgusted to touch sweaty people, as I had always been in the past but I wasn’t anymore. Nothing about Elliott disgusted me.
I grabbed his hand with both of my hands and bringing it to rest under my chin.
Elliott shifted and I froze, not wanting him to wake up anymore.
He settled and unconsciously pulled my closer to his chest like a little boy with a teddy bear.
I waited a few moments until he was no longer moving and I leaned my face onto his hand, kissing it lightly.
A loud knock the next morning made my eyes shoot open, trying to find the source of the noise. Something restricted me from moving and I remembered the events that had occurred only a few hours prior. Sunlight flooded in through the curtains and the knock persisted.
Elliott yawned his arm removing itself from me and I turned to face him. He rubbed at his eyes before giving me a crooked grin.
"Well good morning to you too Miss.Riley."
"Morning." I mumbled before turning onto my front and yawning loudly into the pillow.
Elliott got up from bed stretching as he walked over to the door, opening it with what resembled a groan and a 'what?'
A girl with ginger hair and cat eyed sunglasses stood on the porch of our cabin, I peaked out from my pillow.
The girl from the beach.
She had a towel on her shoulder , her polkadot pink bikini on display. An African American girl with the most spectacular legs I had ever seen stood beside her, followed by a blonde with a bob hair cut.
"Hi!" The ginger greeted.
"Hello." Elliott said back and I could see him shifting his weight onto his left foot.
"Elliott, right? You didn’t come by to the bonfire tonight but you should definitely come down to the beach with us today."
"Maybe later."
The girl peeked over his shoulder her eyes catching mine , "You can even bring your friend."
The girl left after exchange a few words and Elliott closed the door, "How does she know where we're staying?"
"She seems like a stalker to me."
"Speaking of stalkers, why were you in my bed? Did little Riley have a night mare?" He joked.
I pushed myself up from the bed to see him better, he was oblivious of what had happened, I nodded, "Something like that."
He nodded and grabbed his suitcase placing it on the edge of the bed. He grabbed a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and underwear before heading into the bathroom.
I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and grabbed my own clothes. I un paused the T.V and watched a bit more of the movie that I had fallen asleep to the night before.
When I was showered, dry and dressed Elliott was too.
We headed out, in mutual agreement that we needed the sun.
I tapped Elliott's arm as he finished locking the door, "Tag, you're it." I smiled dorkily and ran off into the trail , I heard Elliott come after me, "You're going to pay for that Riley!"
I ran down the path avoiding the random walker and slightly shoving them aside.
I looked back to see Elliott was only a few heads behind me, I laughed and continued sprinting out of the foresty area, as soon as I hit the sand I knew that if I didn’t run as fast as possible he would get me.
I could help the smile that spread onto my face , the wind whipping me making my eyes water.
The sand seeping in through the rims of my converse slowed my down but I kept going until I felt someone push me down but with excellence was able to flip us before we landed so that they fell underneath me, Elliott quickly pushed me over so that he over me.
Men and their pride.
I smiled up at him , his pearly white teeth twinkling.
"Riley?" He asked softly, he inched closer.
"Yeah?" I asked half breathless from running and half from him being so close to me.
The corner of his lip quirked up, he held himself off me and tapped my nose with his finger, "You're it."
He rolled off and stood up, offering me a hand. I rolled my eyes but took it anyways, Elliott hauled me up and then proceeded to steer my shoulders over to an empty picnic table.
Elliott sat down on the opposite side of the table.
"Why are we sitting ?" I asked.
"Because Riley it story time."
"Story time?"
"I'm going to tell you why my hands are permanently bruised."
My mind mentally paused time to process a new flood of emotions, I know that I had been pestering Elliott for weeks wanting to know why his hands were bruised but I didn’t want to know anymore. I was scared to find out.
The heart break I had experienced that morning had already been enough to last me a life time because although I now knew he was okay, and I know knew he wasn't scared in that moment, I would never be able to forget the amount of pain he was going through.
A feeling deep within me, call it intuition told me I wasn’t going to like what he had to say either.
"Elliott, you don’t have to-"
"I want to Riley, you’ve been honest with me and its time I do the same."
The guilt I had been feeling for the past few weeks climbed its way up my throat, would I jeopardize Elliott and I's friendship because of guilt?
Every time I had read a book and someone felt guilt I always got upset, why couldn’t they just suppress the urge ?
What no one tells you is that guilt is a lot more powerful in real life than it is when you read a book through the eyes of another person, guilt is so much more powerful when you love someone.
Judy Bloom should have prepared me for that.
"Elliott I have to tell you something."
"Um- can it wait I minute ? I kind of want to get this off my chest I feel awful for never telling you this because you would never do that to me."
"Elliott I really need to say this." I felt my throat begin to knot and shivers run through my body.
"Are you okay? You seem a little nervous."
I breathed but the air wasn’t enough, so I continued the cycle : breath in, breath out.
"Riley you're breathing really quickly, do you need some water?"
Just breath.
Elliott got up from his side of the table and jogged over to my side, he sat down next to me, his arms placed on my shoulders, "Riley? Come one slow down, its okay."
"You're going to be mad."
"Tell me, I'm sure it cant be that bad." He smiled
I felt the cold consume my feet climbing its way up, I had to tell him.
I couldn’t lie to the only person who has ever been honest with me.
"I went through your moms psych report."
Elliott's hands retracted from me and he slouched in his seated position , the bench between his legs, "You what?"
"I went through your stuff."
Elliott's smile dripped off his face and his eyes grew a shade darker.
"Elliott I'm sor-"
He got up from the bench as if it were on fire, he shook his head slightly.
"Stop." He ordered me, he turned on his feet and began walking away.
I got up and ran after him , "Elliott wait!" I placed my hand on his shoulder but he whipped around, peeling my hand off him.
"Don’t , I've experienced a hell load of disappointment in my life but I never expected you to be the biggest one."
*
"It's a zebra."
"Are you fucking blind? Its clearly a fucking snowflake!" Cole said, getting exasperated.
"Technically they're all snowflakes."
"But how the hell is it a zebra? I don’t see any head or legs, I see lies Riles , I SEE LIES!"
I raised a brow and propped myself onto my elbows so that I could look over at the body laying beside mine, "Slow down there Mr.Psychic , if you focused on the way the dots are aligned you can perfectly make out a tail and the head."
"Zebras don’t have tails!" He argued back.
"They do!"
You may be wondering why I was back to picking out shapes on my living room ceiling after living such a hectic life for the past few weeks, simple, it had been three weeks since I had gotten back from the mini trip with Elliott.
He hadn't talked to me after that day at the beach, in fact, he hadn't so much as looked at me.
School had been hell , I had been failing Science and Drama which meant I was working hard to get my marks back up.
Cole had become a present figure in my life as well, he came over frequently, we hung out at school and sometimes Zach Watson would join us.
"Riles, I think we should talk about the elephant in the room." Cole said, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"For the last time Cole it’s a Zebra." I knew what he meant but being me, I rather avoid the subject than confront it.
"What? No- I was talking about Elliott."
Rolling my eyes I answered, "No."
"Yep. If you don’t want to talk about it , then you'll listen." He took a deep breath , exhaling, "I'm going to tell you this not because I pity you or because I think you deserve answers but because you're my best friend and I don’t want you to be in the dark about this."
I nodded, what could he possibly tell me that I didn’t already know?
"As you know I had a bit of an addiction to substances - okay a big addiction so I went to rehab yadda yadda yadda, anyways like a few months into rehab one of the doctors, Dr.Lawson, he had a new shadow , which is like a younger volunteer who follows him around and helps him, basically like an intern I guess. Surprise surprise Dr. Lawson's shadow was Elliott."
"I'm not even surprised." I muttered , "Small world I guess."
"I'm not done," He snapped, "Anyways so there was this girl who I became really close to over the years I was there, the girl had more problems than someone who drinks lemonade with milk."
"What?"
"Shut up, as I was saying, this girl was like her whole entire universe, anyone could get lost inside her mind, Elliott made it sort of like his mission to help her, I mean the girl came from nothing.
"Over the next few months I seriously saw something change in her , it wasn’t a huge change or anything but you could tell, it was just the way that suddenly her posture was a little better, as if she were ready to face the world again, and the way that she started putting her hair up to not hide from the world. "
I stared at Cole, if I didn’t know any better I would say he was in love.
Wasn’t he gay?
He cleared his throat, "Err, anyways so like eventually she got out and as you know Elliott isn't a millionaire or anything but she needed a place to stay so she stayed at his place, when shit went down in his life and he had to go he didn’t have the money to support her every move, he tried though and so since I cared about this girl we had a deal, Id pay for all her medical stuff, boarding school, the works, but he'd have to look after her and he's kept his word."
"Is there a point to this?" I asked, not wanting to hear anymore because honestly, I didn’t want anymore reasons to like Elliott. Why couldn’t he just be a jerk and let me hate him?
"My point is Riles, people change. The Cole you use to know would have never helped someone get their life back and the Elliott that lived before whatever happened to him was different too, and maybe forgetting him will be what changes you for the best too.'
Ignoring the fact that this had anything to do with me, I asked, "Are you even gay Cole?"
"Nope, just a chicken."
I scoffed , typical Cole.
"Did you love this girl or something?" I asked, leaning back onto a lying positon.
"Probably."
"What's her name?"
"Jasmine Kahn."
*
I unpacked all my newly acquired things onto my bathroom counter, I pulled my hair into a bun at the top of my head and begun with brushing my teeth, I even flossed.
I scrubbed away all my dead skin with the products I had bought, I moisturized and but coconut oil on as Elliott had told me.
I pulled on a pair of shorts, a thermic shirt and my running shoes that I hadn't worn since mandatory freshman physical education.
My phone chimed , it was a text from Zach.
Zach Watson : I'm here.
I grabbed my water bottle and ran downstairs.
"Riley?" A surprised voice asked from the couch, Bridget .
I turned around to face her.
Her eyes were wide but she recovered quickly, "Didn’t you run away cause you got knocked up? Pregnant people , especially ones an unable as you shouldn’t strain themselves by running."
Old Riley would have made a rude comment , in spite. I would have remarked about the fact that I wasn’t the one who had an abortion freshman year.
But I didn't.
I breathed in and shrugged, giving her a small smile, "I'm trying this new thing where I only do things that I know will help me and I know that being healthy will do that, and I learned that from you, so thank you."
I smiled one more time at her shocked face and continued towards the wall where Zach was already waiting.