I hadn't been able to sleep a lot that night. Jess was scared to go home and face Luke, who surely knew about the things that had happened last night. He slept on the end of my bed for a few hours and I watched him, even seeing the worry in his sleep.
I can't stay in bed forever, knowing my father is home today from one of his business trips. I go downstairs around noon, meeting him in the kitchen. I haven't even bothered to make myself presentable, as if he cares.
'I had no idea party's lasted that long. You must have enjoyed it,' he claims while taking another sip of his coffee. The mocking tone doesn't miss me, but instead of starting a discussion, I agree with him. Even though I haven't enjoyed it as much. My head is hurting from the alcohol.
Only after ten minutes, Jess comes downstairs, holding his breath the moment he meets my father in the kitchen. I hadn't thought about this for a moment. All of a sudden my headache is gone, pure panic raising through my bones when I see my father staring at him in disgust.
'Jess Mariano,' he notices amused. Jess nods unsure and I hand him a cup of coffee also, trying to have a good conversation. 'Funny how life is constantly surprising you, isn't it? I mean, three years ago we send our daughter away so she wouldn't end up in your claws and-'
'I never mistreated her,' Jess defends himself. I look at my hands around my cup, the tension all around us.
'No, you only made sure she ended up in jail on the last night she stayed in New York,' my father reminds him. All the memories of that night appear before my eyes. Jess and I walking through the streets making the most damage out of all people on it.
The police had caught us, and even before we knew it, we were in jail. They couldn't keep us there since we were minors, but those few hours were enough.
'That was my fault,' I assure my father for the thousandth time but he doesn't buy it either way. Once his cup is empty he slowly walks over to Jess, laying his hand on his shoulder. I can see it costs him a huge effort not to punch my father.
'And then you break her heart only to show up again and look where we are right now. In the beginning, all over again,' he mumbles and leaves us behind. Jess and I both keep silent for a moment, watching the rain run down against the window. I can't have this talk again.
We were both responsible for what had happened that night. We were only fourteen. 'I'm not with Rory anymore,' Jess mumbles after a moment. He also takes a seat at the table, staring at his coffee.
'What happened yesterday?' I ask concerned, his eyes full of regret. 'My emotions took the lead and ... I don't know for one moment I imagined Rory was you and we went too far in Kyle's bedroom and she didn't want that and got upset. I-'
'You tried to -'
'Yes', he mumbles frustrated and I nod slowly only remembering one thing. He thought Rory was me. Did he even get drunk last night?
'I called her a few minutes ago but she didn't pick up. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore,' he whispers.
'I'm sorry, Jess.' He looks up at me and I stretch my hand out to take his. 'I am honestly sorry,' I assure him. I'm not even lying, seeing him this hurt makes me feel horrible. All I can wonder about is if my disappearing has hurt him even more.
After a while Lydia walks in, her eyes a little blurry. I can tell my father has been mad at her for sending me to a party. Instead of talking about that she sighs deep when she sees Jess, but smiles at him when he glances at her.
I couldn't wish for a better friend than her.
'Did you father mention the fact he is leaving for Paris tomorrow?' She asks and both our gazes follow her. 'No?' I ask confused and stand up.
'Well, he is and he wants you to join him. He even called your school to get an arrangement for your last exams,' she explains softly.
'I can't leave tomorrow!' I say louder and hear Jess standing up also. 'You should visit your mother,' Jess reminds me with his hoarse voice. I turn over to him, still the pain in his eyes. He is serious about this.
'You mean saying goodbye again?' I ask in disbelief and raise an eyebrow at him which makes him look away. 'Maddy, your mother is slowly fading away,' Lydia whispers and lays a hand on my shoulder. 'You have to see her at least one time before she is gone.'
My eyes fill with tears when I look at her, knowing I don't have a choice. 'I can't just leave! I have to graduate, I still have to receive my admission forms from Harvard, Yale and Oxford!'
'Not Juilliard?' Jess interrupts my babbling. 'Juilliard?' I repeat and he raises his shoulders. 'I thought you dreamed about that,' he simply answers. The whole kitchen goes silent for a while, the three of us staring at each other.
'I have to leave,' I notice and look over at Jess. He sighs and walks over to me to take me in his arms. The familiar feeling of his body against mine again. I couldn't start crying. Not now.
I am also hurting him. Again.