Trigger Warning: Self harm.
Noises from my phone, ringing and vibrating has woken me up from my sleep. I look around, realizing that I'm on the bathroom floor. I try to recall what had happened to me as to why I am here, seeing multiple cuts on my arm. I stand from the floor, holding on to the edge of the counter to support my weak figure.
I look at my reflection and felt my heart pound for a second; my eyes are red, puffy from all the crying, but why did I cry? I open the faucet to wash my face, wincing in pain every moment my wounds came in contact with soap and water. I dry my hands with the hand towel that was hanging on the wall.
I check my phone as I head outside, finding 100+ text messages from my friends and family, even my teacher had messaged me. Not just texts but also calls, mostly from my parents and my best friends, finding his too. I see the scissors on the floor, remembering what had happened last night.
As I cried out of shock and fear from what I had done to myself, my anxiety attack grew every second that I had fallen unconscious in the bathroom. I rode my bicycle all the way from our house to here, in Setagaya City; feeling lonely, hopeless, and useless.
I boil the water to cook instant ramen, only having this after using almost all of my savings to pay for three days of stay in this hotel. I used my life savings just for my runaway, I'm pathetic. I pour hot water in the cup, waiting for the noodles to cook before I started eating.
My phone starts to make noises once again, giving me a headache from the repeating ringtone. I force myself to stand, getting my phone from the bed to check who was calling me. It's Kuroo-san. I shut my phone off, not wanting to hear any more ringing.
I scrunch my nose from the bland taste of the ramen I'm eating. I don't necessarily like instant ramen because it's unhealthy, but I don't have a choice. I'm just a runaway without enough money to survive if I had chosen to buy expensive meals. The bland taste makes me want to go home, but I'm afraid I still have two days.
With open wounds on my arm, taking a shower was quite difficult. I had to raise my arm to avoid it getting wet, yet the water would roll down from my hand and the wound would absorb them. I change into a different set of clothes, making sure I had my arm covered, people would call me a psycho if I revealed the cuts.
I take my keycard, my wallet, my phone... and most importantly my journal. My sole purpose for coming here is to journalize and jot down my feelings, to sort them out. I chose this place, knowing that Meguro River was around; I wanted to have a beautiful scenery to ease my mind.
I unlock my bike, riding to who knows where. I made sure that I know the way back, or else I will probably lose it. I stop by Meguro River, taking a seat at the table I sat at last night. I take out my journal, not reading what I had written the previous night, it would only bring me pain.
"Oh you're here again." A guy with an apron around his waist, approaches me with a smile. I return the gesture, not quite sure of what to say. "You must not know me, but I'm a part-timer here and, I saw you last night. Writing something on your journal." His hair was probably shoulder length, tied back into a small ponytail.
"If I am taking up space, please do let me know. I don't want to be a bother." He gestures an okay, mouthing it at the same time. I give him a small wave as he walks back into the store.
For an incredible reason, my eyes had followed his figure as he entered the store, going to different aisles to do his job. Interest suddenly grew in me, the guy had an impact on me, I want to know why. Maybe because he looks like him, long hair and blonde, except that this guy was blonde all over.
I continue writing in my journal, pausing from time to time, unable to think of what to write. I started off with talking about my problems and those events of last night, I pause to think of a sugarcoated way of writing them. Whatever happened last night, everything's scary.
The guy offered me coffee, saying that it was his treat. I haven't been even staying here for more than a day, and yet he is already giving me free food. I couldn't protest because of my hunger. He said he knew right away that I was a runaway (I don't really like calling myself that, though there is no other way of addressing me).
"You came alone?" He asks, taking a huge bite of his burger, mayonnaise staying on the corner of his lips. He noticed me eyeing that part, making him lick them clean. "Staring at a person's lips means you're interested in kissing them, are you?" I raise my brow at his ridiculous question, I am interested in the person yet I have no desires of such.
"If that's what staring at lips is, then what does staring into a person's eyes mean?" I take a bite from my burger, wiping my mouth clean with a tissue; my eyes never left him. "I assume you have an idea."
"It only means that you can see the person." I raise my brow yet again, hearing another ridiculous statement. "It means you can truly see the person as the person they really are. You can see their true colors behind black and white, or a peculiar color palette." I nod my head as he spoke, thinking that he's a poet from all the meaningful explanation.
"Then what does it mean for a person to randomly help you even when they're busy?" I recalled how he helped me, holding my hand.. taking care of me. I wanted to know the answer.
"You're special to the person. Whenever you find them doing that to you, yet they act all cold and bitchy towards other people, then you're special— the enumeration of special has more than one." I nod as he explains, sipping from my mug. "It can mean that the person loves you, likes you, as a friend or another individual, in short.. they might be in love with you."
"Oh is that so?" I finish my coffee, not believing anything he was trying to say. Kenma out of all people, would never fall in love with me.
I open my phone after feeling it vibrate, I check that right away and found more messages from the people I know. I didn't quite want to open them, but I was curious to see what he said. I wonder if he's worried.
Kodzuken: (Y/n), where are you????
Kodzuken: It's already 12 PM, where have you gone to?
Kodzuken: Maki and Honami are very worried about you... (Y/n) come home.
Feeling unhappy with the texts, I hid my phone in my pockets, and finished the burger I had. I bid goodbye to the guy, going back to the hotel to rest. Knowing that I can sleep until the next day, I laid in bed and just removed my bra for me to breathe.
I check all the messages, seeing that Honami and Maki has sent the most, my parents being the second, and the third being Kuroo-san. The least one was him. He's only forcing himself to ask me where I'm at, he's not doing it voluntarily. Probably only because my parents had asked him.
I decided to take a shower, still scared of the pain once my cuts get wet; I should've gotten bandaids earlier. I get clothes from my bag, the scissors dropping to the floor, almost hitting my feet; it got pulled out along with my clothes. I bent down to reach for it, stopping midway as I felt the urge to cut myself again.
I pick the scissors up, separating the blades to hold on to one; I clenched it and the next thing I know is that my hand was bleeding. It feels nice.. the feeling of blood flowing out of the cut— feels perfect! I held it with my left hand, cutting my right arm nonstop. Blood..
Why have I never known that there's such heaven-like feeling? Why did no one ever tell me that this feels amazing? Why did no one tell me that cutting myself would make me feel happy?! Just look at my arm! Look!! It's bleeding! It's bleeding..! I'm bleeding...
Hearing my phone ring, I throw the scissors to the floor, feeling the fear inside me. I take my phone, dropping it when I felt my hand sting— open cut, it's huge. I take it with my other hand, seeing the caller ID, I felt the very urge of answering the call.
"Why the hell have you not been answering our calls?! Where are you?" Kenma yells into the phone, I can hear him panting. Was he running? "(Y/n) tell me where you are. Everyone's trying to look for you, why won't you pick up?!"
"Why are you mad? Why are you mad at me...? Did I do something wrong...? I-I.. D-Don't..." I'm shaking, I try clenching my right hand, stopping when the wound hurt more. I'm crying... why?
"You left without saying anything, and you're somewhere out there. We don't even know where you are!" Why is he yelling at me? Why is he mad? "Tell me if you're alright.. that's the least that could calm your mother down." His voice softens, why? Why did me mention my mom? What's wrong with my mother?
"I'm... not.. I'm bleeding.. Why am I bleeding?" Why did I say that? Those were supposed to be my thoughts..
"Where are you? We're going to look for you just tell me where you are." Why does he sound so worried? Is everyone worried about me? Are they bothering him to look for me? But why? I don't wanna go home..
"I'm sorry.. but I can't." I'm scared.
I hang up, throwing my phone to the bed. I block all of their numbers, not wanting to hear anymore from them. I head to the bathroom to clean my wounds, crying so hard from the pain. Why did I cut myself? It hurts, it stings.. why did I do such thing?
My anxiety is growing, making it harder for me to move around. I drop to the bathroom floor, leaning on the frosted glass as I try to breathe. I'm scared, I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of what I could possibly do next. What are the usual events after this? Will I lose my mind? Or is it suicide?
I'm feeling sick, the open cuts are making me sick. I was sick from the very start, I have a fever, just like he said. Why did I do this to myself? Why didn't I listen..? But who am I supposed to listen to? No one spoke to me before I even left the house, not my parents, not my friends... no one.
I'm already hideous. Why am I making myself look more pathetic and ugly? I'm wrecking my own life. I want to look pretty.. I want to look okay, I want to be okay.. But why can't I keep the smile on my face? Every little thing they do, they say— they affect me. Why am I affected? Is there something wrong with me? Am I really mentally ill?
I miss the sound of the bell, my friends' laughter, their smiles.. will I ever see them again? I miss home.. my mom and my dad.. my room.. Why didn't I just stay at home? What triggered me to leave? Oh, right..
I couldn't stand being alone, I couldn't stand the feeling of loneliness despite having so many people around me. I couldn't step up and speak to my friends, they're all busy with their own lives, they have other responsibilities. I felt lonely.. even with them beside me.
Is this how Ena felt? Is this why she hurt herself? Did she find joy in hurting herself? Did she truly wish death to come for her? Did she feel this lonely and just couldn't hold it in anymore that she just wished she was dead? That's exactly how I feel right now.
Will someone come here to find me? No.. they're busy, they can't possibly come..
I fell asleep, waking up to find my room very dark; it's night time. I stand, hands on the cushion to help myself up; I wince in pain, remembering that I had a cut on my hand. I head to the bathroom, forcing myself to stay strong as I washed my wounds with soap and water. I bathed to feel refreshed, changing into different clothes.
I felt hungry, going to the table to boil water. I open my last cup on instant ramen, waiting for it to cook as I stared at blank space. What am I thinking of? I don't have anything in mind, but I'm thinking of something.. Am I crazy now?
I take a seat on the floor, bringing my cup of noodles with me to eat while I watch news. There's nothing new, nothing important for me to know of. I went to sit on the bed, placing the cup on the side table; I couldn't hold the hot cup and metal chopsticks anymore, my wound stings.
I turn to different channels, stopping when I found a movie, it's once again related to having close friends. I don't think I've eaten my ramen as I watched the movie, all I can say is that I'm unconsciously crying.
I felt like I was the protagonist; she had friends, she had lots of friends, but none were there when she need them the most. She couldn't call out to them, all she could do was watch them continue on with their lives, while she waited for them to come back.
The movie showed that although the bond's still there, friends couldn't stay next to each other until the end. We have to learn how to grow on our own once we have to be separated, we can't rely on our friends in every moment of our lives. They stay, but they'll go, but they're not leaving you.. time just disappears.
I excitedly take my phone, inputting Maki's phone number to call her to talk about the movie. I couldn't find it. Where's her number? Why can't I call her? I... I blocked their numbers. I blocked them.. all of them. I truly am on my own.
I didn't sleep the whole night, I continued to watch movies, crying over and over again. I even cried when there were happy endings, I was too envious that I couldn't be happy about the endings. Results, I have bags under my eyes, puffy eyes, a red nose and a headache.
I take a quick shower, heading out with the things I want to bring. I rode my bicycle to the guy who works part-time at a store in front of the Meguro River.I had trouble holding the handles with two hands, the cut hurts so bad.
"Oh, here again?" He smiles brightly, trying to adjust the box he was carrying. "Wait for me, I'll just place this inside." He carefully walks into the store, coming back out as he removed his apron. "It's weird how we meet, but know nothing about each other." He lets out a chuckle, taking a seat in front of me.
"(L/n) (F/n)," "Yamashita Kagami," we both stare at each other for a moment, letting out a laugh from speaking at the same time.
"So what are you here for?" He takes off his hair tie, brushing his hair back to fix his ponytail. I carefully rolled my sleeves up, showing my cuts to him; his eyes widen at the sight of my exposed arm. "I didn't expect that from you." He grabs my hand, apologizing after I winced in pain.
"Smiles and laughter can fool." I simply answer, letting out a chuckle, earning a glare from him. "Do you know why I'm coming for you?" He shakes his head, eyeing both my arms to look at my cuts. " You remind me of someone. The reaction you gave me just now, is probably something the person would give me if they were the one I was talking to."
"I can feel the pain just by seeing these. Let's get you treated, there's a clinic nearby. I'll keep your bike inside, let's use my motorcycle." I back away, pulling my hands from his grip. I'm unsure if I should listen to him. "I don't have any bad intentions. I have a family to take care of, I wouldn't do anything to send me to jail."
He carefully pulls me up, grabbing my bag for him to carry it. He gave me a helmet, helping me wear it when he saw me struggle. He drove us to the clinic, it's about 7 minutes away from the place he works in.
I was kinda embarrassed to show the doctor my cuts, but I had to if I wanted treatment. The doctor's eyes widened when he saw my cuts, I received a mouthful of scoldings from him. I thought that I was talking to my dad.
The doctor said that I didn't have to get stitches for the cut, and that I won't have scars as long as I applied the ointment he prescribed; that was good news. I also got checked up when the doctor saw how pale I was, he made me drink medicine for the fever that I had.
"I'll go pay." I grab his wrist, not wanting him to pay for me. "I know that you're nearly out of cash, keep that for yourself. This doesn't amount to much, don't worry." He gives me a warm smile, gently sliding my hand off his wrist.
I waited by the entrance, seeing the beautiful blue sky. The clouds looked like cotton candy to me, they looked so perfectly shaped that I could even see different images. The clouds formed a smiley face, making me smile too. How does it feel to be free?
"You're crying." I turn to Yamashita-san, seeing him with furrowed brows. I held my cheeks, wiping them when I felt the tears roll down from my eyes. "How about we grab something to eat?" I nod slowly, not protesting anymore. I don't have a choice at this point.
Yamashita-san brought me to a mall, it seems so familiar to me. I feel like I've been here before. The interior looks pretty even though it's simple, it kinda seems so traditional in here. Have I been here before? But when? I don't recall anything.
He dragged me to a fast food restaurant, buying me a bento and a burger. I look at him and he just told me to eat them. I feel like crying, the taste's so nostalgic, I can say for sure that I've been here before.
We went around, and I saw a fountain at the middle of the mall, I immediately ran to it and asked him to take a picture of me. Honestly, I don't get my emotions anymore; I was feeling down and lost, but right now I'm happy.
"Hey, thanks for being so kind to me." I smile as I lick the ice cream he bought me, I feel like a child.
"I don't think I would be mean to someone who needs help." He answers, making me look at him. I need help.. "Whatever your problem is, you really should tell your friends." I shake my head and let out a chuckle, I don't think they'll listen.
"They don't have time for me. I should learn how to live on my own." I answer.
"And you thought that a runaway was a perfect method?" His words stabbed me deeper than a knife, how did he know that? "If your runaway was solely for the purpose of growing, then why are you trying to hurt yourself? You won't grow by cutting yourself, you're ruining yourself." He gave me a warm smile as he pat my head.
"Do you really think they would listen to me?" He nodded.
"You have to trust your friends, they are your friends after all. You have to take the risk of taking the initiative, don't hold yourself back and wait for miracles. They only happen when you make a move." He wiped my mouth with tissue, chuckling at how messy I looked.
He took my hand and brought me to the arcade for us to play. His warmth, it's different from his, it's not the same. I want his..
We played basketball-- mainly just throwing the ball to the ring to score. I had trouble playing because of my wounds, but I still enjoyed it nonetheless. We also played other games; I don't really come to arcades so I know nothing about the names.
Yamashita-san brought to somewhere again, I don't know where we're going to at this point. But, wherever he brought me, I loved the place. He brought me to a hill, I never knew there was a hill around Tokyo-- I just don't really leave the house. I saw the view from up here, Tokyo's beautiful.
I don't know why I'm doing so many things with him, he's only a passerby in my life. But everything we've done today has distracted me. I really felt refreshed after seeing so many beautiful scenery.
We got back to the store he works at, and he gave me my bike. I wave at him before riding my bike back to the hotel. I have tomorrow left, I have to make the most of it. I went to the bathroom, and took a shower to get cleaned up.
I sat on the foot of the bed, drying my hair with a towel. I held my phone in my hands, just staring at the screen as I turn it on and off. I go to my contacts, looking for the blocked numbers, looking at them one by one; I'm contemplating whether I should unblock everyone.
I sigh, throwing my phone to the pillows behind me. I don't want to, or maybe I'm just scared. I don't know what I'll be hearing from everyone once I unblock them. I fall back, my body bouncing a little when it hit the cushion.
Looking around my hotel room, finding it funny how the floor's not stained with blood neither are the sheets. Everything in this room is clean except for my shirts. I watched Netflix, just watching whatever was interesting to me.
I couldn't fall asleep, I drank too much Coke today, I'm too energized and awake. I check the time, seeing that it was already 3 in the morning. I'm still not tired, physically I am but I just couldn't sleep. My head's occupied once again.
I wonder if the teachers gave countless homework again, if they had quizzes and other types of activities. I kinda miss my desk in school, I just.. I don't know. I wonder if Kenma had finished the project without me, he brought it home so probably he's done it by himself.
Why did Kenma bring the project with him? Was he tired of trying to fix my mistakes? Is he annoyed that I keep messing up? I always mess up, probably he hates that about me-- he probably hates me.
Another hour passed, I'm still awake. I got tired of watching nonsense shows that were only making me feel worse, and they were triggering me to hurt myself, I had to stop before I did something to myself again.
I get my phone, finally decided to unblock them, receiving a call right away.
"Where.. are.. you?" Why is he calling me this early? He sounds tired. "Tell me.." I let out a sigh, not saying anything, I'll just let him speak. "Can't you tell me..? Or.. even just.. the others instead?" I continue to stay silent, I don't have anything to say. "Why did you pick up..? When you wouldn't even say anything..?" I don't know, maybe because I just felt like it. "Are you.. gonna stay silent?"
"Go to bed." I hang up, hearing my phone ring again. It's still him. "What do you want?"
"Your location.. tell me.." It sounds like he's panting, he should rest. "Tell me where you are.. you're on the phone.. just tell me.." I hang up again and shut my phone down. I don't want to hear anything else.
Just from hearing his voice, I felt tired that I fell asleep only a few minutes later. He sounds so tired, I felt it too, I was affected. He was panting as he spoke to me, why was he catching his breath? What is he doing at this hour that he's still awake?
It's so weird, situations with Kenma are so weird that I can't properly explain it anymore. He's so moody, one thing I do he'd just suddenly act cold, and make it look like I've done something so bad that he wouldn't forgive me.
Kenma would also start acting kind, caring, like he's my best friend. He'd check on me and ask me how I'm doing, he'd calm me down whenever I'd have an attack. His gaze, they're soft that I feel safe around him.. thinking of these make it seem like I'm so in love with him.
I only like him-- let's limit our feelings, to avoid getting hurt.
Forgetting to close my curtains, the sun shone on my face, forcing me to wake up. I rolled down and off the bed, my head hitting the side table. I groan as I rubbed my head, sitting up to lean on the bed. I should've closed the curtains, I still want to sleep.
I head to the bathroom and take a bath, still struggling with the amount of cuts I had. I don't have anything else to do today, so I stayed in the bathtub for about an hour or so. I kind of had thoughts of drowning myself, but I had to fight that.
I stand before the mirror, looking at my reflection, seeing so many imperfections. May it be my skin, my body, my face, or the cuts. I saw nothing but flaws, I should've been thrown away when I was a baby, why would anyone want-- no.
"You're beautiful.." I tell myself, biting my bottom lip as I felt so fake. "You're special.. You're worth the trouble." Am I really? These words seem like lies to me now, I can't believe in them anymore. But I have to, I have to shut out these negative thoughts.. it's difficult.
I turn my phone on, seeing more missed calls and unread texts. I check them one by one, feeling the urge to cry. Why am I like this?
Maki-chan: Where are you?? Please tell me you're alright.. Please?
Yamamoto Honami: (Y/n), babe where are you? I'll look for you, tell me where you are?
Tetsu-ro: Where'd ya run off to? Everyone's panicking. Where are you?
Mama <3: Sweetheart, please come home.. I'm sorry.. Please come back to us..
Dad <3: Honey, we're sorry. Please come home. We're very worried about you, come home, yeah?
Kodzuken: Where are you?
Am I bothering them? They're all texting me in the middle of the day.. It's a weekday, everyone should be busy.. I have 200+ missed calls, how many times have they tried contacting me? Am I being a burden again?
I've been away for almost three days. They should've given up on me already, they should've. Why is everyone still trying to look for me? Why are they looking for a burden? They should stop looking for me, I only ever worry them.. they should stop.
I got changed, making myself look a little bit more presentable despite me looking so tired and worn out. I've done nothing but cry, kill my own happiness, degrade myself, and wish for them to come here for me.
I got out of the hotel, bringing the usual with me. I ride my bike, heading to Meguro River. I met Yamashita-san again, he gave me food like the past two days. I sat at the table, sketching whatever I felt like sketching.
I don't have photographic memory, but for some reason... I was able to draw him. I drew him, had trouble with the face though, but I got it done perfectly in the end. It really looks like him. I hold on to the top corner of the page, thinking if I should rip it off. My efforts would be wasted.
"Is that me?" I look up to see Yamashita-san with red cheeks, I chuckle and shake my head. "I was about to call you a weirdo, but that's really someone else?" I nod and smile. He cautiously sat in front of me, making me roll my eyes at him. "Who's that?"
"A friend." I shortly answer, still holding on to the page. I suddenly see him remove my hand from the sketchpad. "What are you doing?"
"I should be asking you that. Why were you holding on to the page?" I look away, admiring the people around us. "You planned on ripping it off!" I jump on my seat, hearing him suddenly raise his voice, pointing at me. "Why are you going to rip it off?! It looks perfect!" He glared at me before turning to my sketchpad to look at my art.
"Why are you even looking at trash?" I grab the sketchbook from his grasp, hearing him scowl at me.
"Why are you degrading yourself? Your sketches are amazing! I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has ever told you that." He sounds so excited, yet irritated. I shrug, and he slammed his fist on the table. "Can you draw me?!" He bent over to me, holding both of my hands. His eyes sparkled with excitement and expectations.
"I can try...?" He nodded and started posing in front of me. "You can just hand me a selfie." His mouth forms an 'o' shape, and he took out his phone to look for a picture.
I started drawing him, feeling a bit frustrated to see how similar he is with Kenma; he's just a lot more enthusiastic, and he's a lot more expressive with his feelings.
I looked at my sketch, annoyed to see how ugly it came out to be. I frown as I looked at it at different angles, suddenly he grabs the sketchbook from my hands. He started jumping and squealing like a little girl. He pulled me into a hug, breaking away to admire the portrait.
"Thank you! No one has ever drawn me before! It really looks amazing!!" He smiled. He looks like a baby who just got a new box of toys. "Don't degrade yourself, I love this." He rips it off and kissed the paper, making me want to puke. "Don't make that face. But really, you did this perfectly!"
"You do know that I won't believe in your words?" He pat my head, smiling at me as if he was trying to cheer me up.
"I don't think so." He hands me my sketchbook, pulling a chair to sit beside me. "So, who's this one? He looks like me, maybe not much with the face but.. over all appearance.." He paused, looking intently at my other sketch. "I'm more good looking." He cheekily smiled at me and admired the sketch of him again.
"I told you already, he's a friend." He raised a brow at me, bringing his face closer to mine to look at my eyes. "H-He's a friend, my seat mate. He plays volleyball, and loves video games." He nods as I speak, slowly backing away from me.
"Is he introverted?" I nod. "I can tell, for some reason.... but again, I'm more good looking!" I scoff, looking at the sky, it's about to rain. "You like him." I suddenly choked on my saliva, coughing to ease the itchiness. "Gotcha!" I put my sketchbook in my bag, and he just looks at me.
"I have to go back, I'll see you again when I can." I give him a wave, running to my bike to head back to the hotel.
I had to pedal as fast as I can, but of course, I still made sure I wouldn't get into an accident. I got to the hotel, immediately heading to my room. I throw myself to the bed, smiling as I felt the soft cushion under me.
I checked the table if there was still instant ramen, finding none, I decided to head down to the convenience store nearby. I look into my bag, trying to see if I had an umbrella with me-- well I never thought it would ever rain.
Instead of an umbrella, I looked for an unused hoodie. I rummage through my things, finding a black one, it's kinda small but I have no other choice. I take my wallet, counting my money first, seeing that there was enough, I head out.
The elevator took a while before it got up to the floor I was on. I waited patiently, realizing that there might've been a lot of people today. It came and the way down was fast. I thank the operator, walking out as I checked my things.
My tears started streaming down my face, my heart raced. I dropped my wallet, seeing the person in front of me. I froze.
"I finally found you."
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<3