TRIGGER WARNING: Depression and Suicidal Thoughts (I was depressed while writing this.)
It's been eight days since I've stepped out of my room, not in the mood of going to work, hang out with my friends, or at least roam around the house—I don't feel like doing anything, in general.
I'm completely stuck in my bed, staring at the window pane watching the sky cry continuously.
I feel hungry, but I didn't give a damn thing about it. I ignored the growling sounds and let the numbness spread my entire body. I wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for her. I'm supposed to be gleeful and positive like I always do, but the odds turned against me. The pain really stuck with me for a while, now it's just complete nothingness. I'm, in any possible way, not incredibly fine.
Think of your next actions carefully is what I have in my thought loop.
I think it's time I should do it.
I pulled out my phone from my pocket and dialed Connie's number. It rang as it continued to do so until she finally picked up.
She spoke, "Steven, you called?"
"Are you available?" I asked her.
"Well, yeah, I guess."
"Meet me at Lawrence Arts Center today at five. Don't be late."
"What?"
I hung up instantly, throwing the phone to the side as I get up to get my towel. I took my clothes off and stepped in the shower. I dried myself after a ten minute bath. I threw the towel on the bed, revealing me fully naked taking out my clothes from the cabinet.
Pink walked into the room unexpectedly.
He stared at me like he didn't care that I'm completely exposed. "Where are you going?"
"For real?" I said with a raised brow.
"What, it's not like we don't have the same dick?"
"I don't care. Get out."
Pink closed the door after my response.
LAWRENCE ARTS CENTER (5:00 PM)
...
I was on my own, gazing upon the fascinating paintings hanged on the walls, one by one. Ashes by Edvard Munch really caught my eye. I stared at it because it intrigued me, and I was curious what the inspirations were put into this masterpiece.
Someone stormed into the room, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the painting. It must be her.
"Hey, Steven," Connie's voice spoke. "Sorry, I'm late. Traffic has been going wild today." She attempted to embrace me in the back, but I shrank over to the side just to avoid it. "Is there a problem?"
I sighed. "I wanna break up with you."
"What? Why?"
I turned to her in question. "Should I be the one asking you that?"
It took her a moment to realize that I was being serious. She made a serious expression. "What did you find out? Whatever you see, it's not real. Don't believe in what you see—"
I butted in, "It doesn't matter what they show to me, okay? My decision is final."
Her hands grasped both of my shoulders as she planted her expanded eyes at mine. "Steven, I told you, nothing happened between me and Charlie. That was just one time, nothing else."
"Really? Then how would you explain this?" I pulled my phone from my pocket and showed her the video.
Her lips quivered as she furrowed her brow.
I questioned, "Why would you lie to me?"
She let go of my shoulders. "Okay, I'm sorry. Let me explain..."
"What is even there to say, huh? Give me a valid reason why I shouldn't break up with you."
"We were just getting along while editing our thesis—"
"Getting along?" I cut her off and gave her a stern look.
"Yes, and I don't know what came over me. I know I messed up and I wanted to tell you as soon as possible. I knew at first that it wouldn't be easy to elaborate, and if I try to explain, you wouldn't forgive me."
"You already know what is going to happen, why did you still do it?"
"I know, Steven, I know."
"What is...? You know what, exactly?"
"I'm an asshole, I'm sorry. Steven, I promise, give me your last chance. Forgive me, please."
"I can still forgive you if it was just one kiss, but Connie, photos of you and him going out for dinner, kissing in public? That's already a different approach."
"Steven..."
I walked back slightly and looked at the ceiling. Instantly after, I faced him with tears drooling down my cheeks. I couldn't help but cry. I tried covering my face to prevent from continuing, but I failed to do so.
"Almost two years, we've been together, Connie. I fought for this relationship so that we wouldn't be separated. And then you came, flirting with another guy who seemed as though he is the perfect guy you dreamt of. And I, a friend from the start, the next as your lover, but you still treat me as your sidekick. How are we going to make this work? We barely talk and see each other and this is what you're going to do?"
Connie's eyes puffed in redness as tears streamed down.
I mopped the tears with my hand as I sniffed. "What is it that you see in him, that I don't have?"
"Steven, you're perfect." I stepped forward toward me.
"Then why him, why not me, instead?"
"I'm sorry, please. I'm begging for another chance."
"Do you still love him?"
"What?" she placed her hands on my face, "Steven, I love you, you know that."
I forcibly took her hands off. "That's not what I want! Answer my question, Connie: do you still love him?"
She didn't respond after that. She tucked her lips as I observed and her hands scratched by her thumbs—she's still in love with him.
I tucked my lips and kept my mouth shut as I extended my arms to both sides, slamming them on my lap afterward. Along with that, I softly shook my head no to my presumption whilst backing up a bit. I turned to face the opposite direction and sauntered, shifting my expression with a blank, ireful look.
My body slowly rebelled against me, causing me to kneel in weakness. The pain began to overpower again in my belly button.
"Steven! Let me help you." She approached me and held my shoulder.
I flinched. "Don't touch me."
I got up on my feet gradually, though my knee calves shivered in uneasiness. I continued to walk to the front door. I swung it open only to notice that it's pouring heavily. The people roaming around every sidewalk had their umbrellas with them while others used raincoats instead.
I instantly hopped inside the car, partially wet, and drove as far away as possible. No directions, no plans, nor have I the slightest idea of where to go or what to do.
I just want to be alone.
I ended up in an empty parking lot near the Dad Perry Park. The sky turned ominously gray when I parked as the rain continued to pour and light posts blinked open.
I shed in tears again, this time, I accompanied by a fuming scream. I kept hitting the steering wheel with my hands.
I'm completely out of place, scattered. I indulged every broken moment I had with Connie, wounding me right in the middle. It ached, so much so that I can't even properly breathe.
Powerless.
An hour of sobbing and I went blank, thinking nothing but dejection and heartbreak. My head buried on the window, watching the raindrops gush down as it continued to rain.
I want to end this agony, it's torturing me inside.
My eyes pointed at the phone in front of me. It took me a minute before I picked it up. I dialed my house number.
Pink answered, "Hello?"
"Hey, Pink." I spoke.
"Steven?"
"I, uh, I just want to know if you're doing okay? Did Dad call, the gems? Everything going okay?"
"Well, yes. Why are you asking?"
"Nothing, it's," I looked out of the window, "can you tell them that I love them? I haven't talked to them in a while and, I missed them."
Pink evoked my name in a worrying tone, asking my whereabouts. But I told him I'm somewhere peaceful, at least. I don't want him to come over, nor do I want him to worry.
I don't give a goddamn thing about my life anymore, I'm useless now and I have so much neglect and regret about my belief and the world that surround me.
"Tell me where you are, I'm coming to get you."
"No need," I replied. "I want to be alone. I'm just gonna have some fun in the rain for a while."
"Steven, don't hang up."
I hung up the phone call and threw it on the seat beside me.
I got out of the Dondai and stood completely still in front of the door, looking down with an empty, lifeless expression. I felt like a light post, being walked pass by people as they continue to do their own thing, and I'm just observing them, providing the amount of light to brighten up their pathway.
An hour of standing still, my belly button tingled in a weird manner, making my visions blur and my head felt light. My body fought against me, weakening evidently. All of a sudden, I collapsed on the floor while still being showered underneath the heavy downpour.
Nobody's coming for me, probably nobody will.
I slowly closed my eyes and anticipated for my last breath.
Sorry.
...
Slowly, my hearing turned vivid, beeping sounds and nurses were an earshot. I unsealed my eyes unhurriedly, meeting with the bright fluorescent light irritating it a bit. I groaned due to the slight pain throbbing in my head.
Where am I?
"Lawrence Memorial Hospital."
I looked over to see Pink lying on my cot, staring at me with concern. "Pink?"
He nodded as he gripped my hand, rubbing with his thumb.
I attempted to get up, but my belly button throbbed extremely. "Ah! Ouch!"
"Just lay down." He pushed my shoulders back down. He took a seat and questioned in his shallow voice, "What were you thinking? Are you trying to kill yourself?"
I trailed my eyes off. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it's my fault for not being there," he said. "You need to rest, Steven. The nurse said you'll be discharged tomorrow morning."
I simply smiled at him.
I don't know how I would feel to this, I felt relieved that Pink's here to look after me, but somehow I felt so unaccomplished of what I'm supposed to do, the other's just evident impassiveness. I'm so random that I couldn't figure out anything at all, to be honest. My life's even naïve and duller than before, even worse.
I'm, now, a completely different person.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING
...
I was discharged from the hospital for the nurses studied my condition; the result is that I'm stabilized.
I walked out of the hospital and hopped inside the Dondai. I took the keys out of my jersey pocket and started the engine. I was fixing the rearview mirror when Pink knocked on the window, trying to get my notice. I lowered the car window and popped my head out to look at him with wonderment.
"I'll drive, not you," he insisted.
I sighed and scooched over to the side, wrapping myself with the seatbelt. He entered the car and buckled up, driving me back to Overland Park.
While on the road, my plain face buried on the window, watching cars pass by and people roaming around the place. I couldn't process while I observed the surrounding, my brain's malfunctioned; I had a difficult time to manage it.
"Steven, are you okay?" Pink asked.
"Yeah," I denied. "I'm just...thinking." I continued with what I was focusing on.
The entire travel, I just stared. My mind stuck on that continuous stream of focus despite the fact I was coating a downcast countenance, envisioning the previous event. The pain inside felt partial since my heart suddenly became numb because of it. It's upsetting.
We arrived a few minutes later.
I got out of the car, slogging toward the front door as Pink opened it for me. I took off my jersey and threw it on the sofa like I didn't care.
Pink put the keys on top of the cabinet. "Do you want something to eat?"
"I'm good," I replied.
"But you haven't eaten in two weeks?"
"Later, perhaps." I twisted the doorknob and swung a portion open. "I'm not in a mood."
Okay, that's what he responded after.
I entered my room, took off my flip flops and inserted myself in my soft blanket. I curled with a pillow on both of my arms and feet, leading me to sleep a few seconds of staring at the window of nothingness.
For our dog, Brandon.