Kenma has been coming over to my house to get our project done. I salute to his patience. I have messed up three times; I cried the third time, I felt like I was deliberately ruining our project but I'm just really messy, careless, and clumsy. I tried doing the walls, cutting them on my own, but I cut myself instead. I can still remember how he panicked.
I still went to the gym and did my job as a manager— their manager. I didn't want to lose passion for what I was doing, when I was already enjoying it. The coaches would warn me but I stayed nonetheless, I came to love the sport. I also didn't like the idea of being away from them, felt lonely when I tried not attending.
It's been three weeks since the practice match and the encounter with Keiji. This week, Kenma and I haven't been able to work on the project; we were given stacks of homework and that's what we've been focusing on. I remember breaking down and my mom had to help me, I'm such a baby.
Maki and Honami has been coming over to hang out, we do our homework together— three heads better than one, desperate teenagers just trying to have some fun. In our Science subject, we were asked to interview our parents about something. I couldn't get myself to interview them so, Maki interviewed them for me.
Life is just really tough for me right now, probably it's the same for everyone else. I still had to discover my answer, whether I'd stay in the club or not; I also want to finish our project so I could just lay in bed and sleep, aside from that we had homework to finish. I haven't taken a break from my academics since they gave us homework, I want to live.
I'm in the grocery store with my mother, buying more food because I cooked everything for Maki and Honami the other day. Dad said he'd pick us up, once he was done with work, so it's just me and my mom. I'm carrying the basket, and they're heavy.
"Mom, can't we get a cart instead? I'd rather push that than carry this." I put the basket down, squatting to rest myself. My mom tried pulling me up but my feet were killing me. "I'll get a push cart, I'll be back. Don't go anywhere. I'm the worst at directions so please, don't leave this aisle while I can still remember how to get here." I tell my mom, standing as I carried the basket with my forearm, the metal hands resting by the opposite side of my elbow— I feel like they're about to break.
"I'll be here." She smiles, looking back at the shelves to get what she was looking for.
I eyed my mom, trying to see if she'd leave the moment I was gone, and she didn't. I head to the entrance to get a push cart, moving everything from the basket to the cart. I went ahead back to the aisle where I told my mom to stay in, seeing that she's not there anymore.
I get very bad anxiety attacks whenever I lose sight of my mom, I can't lose her. I try my best to stay calm, looking at the other aisles to look for her. My anxiety grew every minute, mostly when I don't find her in the aisle I look at. I tried calling her but she won't pick up. I sound like a lost child— not that I'm not at the moment— I'm really scared.
I look around, swallowing my anxiety back inside of me, not wanting to lose control in this place. I push the cart, leaning more on it for support. By this time, I am already crying. I told her not to leave, I don't know where to look for her. I stop by a corner, resting my head on the handles as I cried.
I'm almost 16 but I'm still acting like a baby. Can't help that if I have traumas. I suddenly felt someone tapping me on the shoulder, I tried shaking their hand off but they kept tapping my shoulder. I slowly look up, ready to throw a punch if it was a pervert.
"You okay?" I turned to see Keiji. I cried and wrapped my arms around his waist, not even caring if we weren't in good terms yet. "Hey, why are you crying?" I back away and try to breathe. He held my shoulders and looked at me with concern.
"I can't find my mom." I tell him, wiping my cheeks as tears continued to fall. "Help me.." He lets out a chuckle, and wiped my cheeks with the jacket he was wearing.
"Still don't know how to locate people?" He teases, holding my hand to calm me down. He held on to the handles of the cart, also placing my hand on it for him to keep his hand on mine.
I couldn't think of anything else at the moment, all I could think of is why the hell my mom left that aisle. I had trouble calming down so Keiji would stop walking to give me a hug. He kept wiping my cheeks that I feel like, my skin would peel any moment now.
Keiji didn't say anything, he didn't complain about how I'm just dragging him everywhere to look for my mom. I suddenly got a call and my mom told be she's back there, at that aisle. I immediately tell Keiji to bring me there. I ran to hug my mom the moment I saw her again, I cried on her shoulder and she just laughed as she tried to comfort me.
I break away from the hug, finally able to breathe now that my mom's here. My mom furrows her brows when she saw Keiji. Mom's fully aware of what he did, he saud, and how traumatized I am because of him.
"If it wasn't for him, then I might've been rushed to the nearest hospital." I tell my mom, frowning and pouting my lips. "Where did you go?" I ask her and she gives me a 'what are you talking about' look.
"Sweetheart, I was here the whole time." She brushed my hair back and wiped my face. "Someone really needs to help you find your way." She says, chuckling as I hit her arm lightly. "And you, I don't really enjoy the sight of you being around her but I will thank you." Keiji bowed and hung his head low, maybe I should hear him out now.
"Keiji, let's talk outside." I turn to him, seeing his eyes widen at my words. "We'll be back mom, or we can just meet by the entrance."
I take Keiji's hand, bringing him outside after finally being able to convince my mom that I'd be fine. Keiji was as hesitant as my mom was, I know that this is all sudden but we gotta at least talk when we have the chance. If I need to hear him say it, then it should be now. Not tomorrow or later.
He made me sit on as bench while he got us drinks from the vending machine. It took him a while before he got back to me, he also gave me his coat since it was kinda cold out here. He takes a seat beside me, keeping a 12inch gap between us. He opened my drink and I take a sip of it, nostalgic.
"If you want to explain, then I'll hear you out." I take another sip, feeling the cold air hit me. "You helped me today, this is the only way I can repay you." I hear him sigh, and the sound of the wood squeak as he leaned on it.
"Sounds cliche and normal, but they wanted to sabotage you. They told me to make you cry, and break the bond between us. Ena said that in exchange for that, she won't sabotage you." I nod my head as he speaks, taking sips of my drink to prevent myself from having an attack. "I know the damage I've done. Just seeing you shut yourself out, then going back to the jolly you; finding out that you had anxiety attacks.. they were enough to make me realize how much I've hurt you." I let out a quiet chuckle, remembering the worst possible memories.
"It's good to know that you realized how much you've hurt me." I say, making it sound like I was teasing him.
"But, honestly.. Now that I think of it, I neither did the right nor wrong thing. You'd still experience a different kind of traumatic event, depending how things would've ended." I look at him, seeing him full of guilt and regret. "How can you put up with me? Knowing you, well, seeing you back then.. I thought you'd breakdown like how we first met after a while."
"Someone told me to face reality, so that I can be free." He raises his brow, looking like he didn't get anything. "A friend wanted to help, they told me to just try and face my traumas. You're one, and now I'm facing you." I chuckle and he makes a face in disgust. "This is just the first step, I can't go further yet."
"Was it Honami? Or Maki?" I shake my head to both of the names. "Who else would you listen to aside from them?" I look away to hide my face, drinking until I finished the beverage.
"Kenma." I answer, standing to buy myself another drink. I go to the vending machine, taking my wallet out but I didn't find a bill. I look to my side to find Keiji inserting two bills, the air seems heavier than before, what changed?
He got me the same drink; he turned to me, fixing the coat around me in place so that I wouldn't be cold. It's freezing today. He puts the drink in the pocket of his coat, bringing his hand to my head to brush my hair. I stopped him, I don't like where this is going. He lets out a sigh and looks straight into my eyes.
"Are you and Kenma a thing?" He mumbled. Did he think I didn't hear that? "Kenma kept telling me to stop trying to talk to you." I scoff, seeing him with furrowed brows. "You don't listen to guys you're not interested in. Stop getting closer to him, you might—"
"Keiji, do you think that I don't know what could happen? Do you really think that I didn't think this through? Unlike you, he's being genuine." I say, voice almost too loud that people started looking at us. "Kenma and I are just friends." I throw his hand back to him, walking away to leave but he grabs my wrist and makes me look at him.
"That's the exact same thing that's happened to us." I pull my hand away from his grasp. "(Y/n) listen to me."
"You don't have a right to tell me what to do. We are not friends. You broke that friendship, accept the consequences. Whatever we promised each other back then, that's already dead and hidden. It's not something we're supposed to speak of." I pull the coat off me, throwing it to him before walking away.
I held it in. I had to hold everything in. I don't want to have an attack in front of my parents, not when mom knows that Keiji's around. I managed breathe without looking like I was struggling. I managed to stop my tears from falling. I had to do this. It's the first step, I don't want Keiji to look bad, he can but only to me.
I went back to the grocery store, finding my mom in front of the entrance. I give her a bright smile and she lets out a sigh in relief, happy that I'm alright— I'm not. I was about to carry the bags when dad came out of nowhere, randomly just grabbing them from me. I yelped, jumping to my mom. Dad just smiled and kissed my forehead.
As we drove home, dad told us stories about what happened to him at work. I just laughed at his nonsense jokes, teasing him whenever it was something embarrassing. Mom still observed me if I was truly alright, I'd just laugh and smile at her.
I went straight to the bathroom, taking a quick shower before I heading to bed. I had to make sure I'd only be in the shower for a few minutes, if I stay longer, I might breakdown and I'd worry my mom. I head upstairs and got changed into my pajamas. I originally planned on sleeping right after I take a shower, but with my encounter with Keiji kept me awake.
"I will never hurt you, I promise."
"We'll be friends until the end, nothing will ever change that."
I hate promises. He broke his promise. I had put all my hope in them, thinking that he'd stick to his words, but in the end I was fooled. I was dumbfounded. I froze. The fireworks became inaudible and all I could hear were his words. Now here I am, still suffering from the wounds.
Honestly, I did like Keiji. He knew that I did, that's why he promised me. He was very caring, he was always worried about me, gave me kisses on the forehead that made me go crazy. But, none of them meant anything to him. All of that was just an act.
I really don't have any experience when it comes to falling in love, because the feelings I felt before, they were nothing. They meant nothing. It was just a crazy feeling that I got, but it wasn't love. It was just admiration. I never liked him because he was him, I liked him because no one bothered to try to hurt him. I was envious of him.
I went to bed, crying myself to sleep. He warned me that things might repeat, I know that. But things are different, I have friends who will stand up for me and protect me. Back then I only had him. That's why I fell in love with him. It was kinda stupid though. Well I am quite dumb when it comes to these things.
I got to school the next day, feeling a bit tired and sleepy. I wasn't able to sleep properly last night. Keiji's words rang inside my head, making me cry more than I expected. The scene, the memory was so vivid that I felt like I went back to the past and faced him again. I had to drink two pills for that, one wasn't enough.
I take a seat at my desk, turning to see Kenma. I give Kenma a tired smile and he gives me a weird look, I just chuckle at him. I rest my head in my arms that were on my desk, facing Kenma to at least have a conversation despite being so sleepy.
"You look awful." He comments, still having the weird look. I nod and give him a small smile; he eyes my face, tucking my hair behind my ear for him to see me clearly. "Did you cry?"
"How observant... of you.." I said, letting out a chuckle that turned into a yawn. "Yes, I did. Do you want to know why?" He didn't answer, instead he took out his PSP for him to play. The game was kinda noisy but it wasn't enough to wake me up. "I saw Keiji last night." The sound of him losing woke me up, I chuckle at the look on his face.
"What did you do?" He starts another game, letting me hear more of the swords clashing.
"I spoke to him just like you said." I answer, leaning back to watch him play the game, scooting a little closer. He suddenly loses again, making me laugh at him. "You were so close." I laugh, stopping when he turned his head to me, his face is only a few inches away from mine.
"So are you...." We just stared into each other's eyes, pulling away after a few seconds. I bury my face in my hands, feeling my blood rush to my face. He also looked away and hid his face with his hair, he's lucky he has long hair. "A-Anyway.. I didn't say that for you to do it right away."
"I wanted to, I owe him something." I turn back to him, finding him raise his brow at me. "I-I don't wanna uhm.. say it." I feel my cheeks heat up again, just by the thought of telling him that it was about Keiji helping me find my mom.
We didn't speak after that, I fell asleep on my desk, my eyelids got heavier every minute and I couldn't fight my sleepiness anymore. I am pretty early today so, I got to sleep for a long time. I groaned when Kenma shook me awake, he shushed me and I almost yelled at him, but then I saw the teacher.
I tried my best to be attentive but I was so sleepy that I fell asleep in between classes, Kenma would elbow me awake. I feel like crying, I just want to sleep. When first period ended, Maki and Honami gave me two cans of coke; it's for me to keep myself awake. They made me eat chocolate for me to stay energized. Their methods worked.
I was able to write my notes, answer the questions whenever I was called, and finish the worksheets on my own; I didn't have to bother Kenma to help me out. I had the energy to journal all that's happened yesterday and today.
My journal was pretty empty, I only wrote my entries but I didn't do anything stylish— doodles and calligraphy, I was too lazy. But thanks to my friends, I'm awake now. I was pretty loud and energetic that my friends had to hold on to me, if they didn't, I would've done something crazy. They said I was soberly drunk.
Unfortunately, my energy only lasted up until the period before lunch. I started to feel very sleepy again that I almost fell asleep on Kenma's shoulder, or on Honami's— whoever the hell was beside me. Maybe I shouldn't have dwelled in my conflict with Keiji, too much; I cried a lot. What happene between us really scared me, he reminded me of everything.
Because of last night, I've spaced out again and I couldn't focus. Club activities came and the boys kept on asking me what they should do but, I had nothing in mind. Kuroo-san had to flick my forehead twice to get me back. That kinda woke me up.
"I think you should rest for today." Kuroo-san says, placing his hand on my head to make me look at him. I yawn and shake my head. "Are you still going to deny that you're tired?" I nod, hearing him let out a sigh.
"I have to stay awake. I have responsibilities and I can't just let them go." I yawn again, making him pinch my cheeks. "Stoooop." I blink my eyes, feeling them water from my sleepiness.
"You haven't even done anything properly yet. I'm just concerned, (Y/n)." Kuroo-san lightly pinches my cheeks again, making weird faces while he did that. "It's 5:30 PM, go home and sleep." I whine and shake my head, wanting to stay and help them. "Will someone help me make her leave early?" I kick his ass and he bends forward, moving his legs to balance himself.
"I'm not going home." I say, crossing my arms as I glared at him. He looks at me for a few seconds, suddenly bursting into laughter. I frown, yawning again as I hit his arm. "Stop laughing, you're so noisy."
"You look like a child." He says, still laughing his ass off on the floor. "You'd have a very cute child once you have a family of your own." I feel like I've gotten energy from him saying that; I could feel my blood circulate and rush to my cheeks.
"Kai-san, can you drag Kuroo-san away?" I grab Kuroo-san's shirt, dragging him to Kai-san who's looking at him with widened eyes. "This cat is too noisy, perhaps.. I could call his girlfriend." I say and Kuroo-san immediately stands.
"My girlfriend's a lot noisier than me." He pat my shoulder, giving me a wink before walking past me. "You know what I mean, (Y/n)."
"Don't mind him." I look at Kai-san, seeing him give me an apologetic smile.
They trained for a bit more, practicing their spikes and blocks. The coaches went to the office to discuss something, so they're just doing what they want. Yamamoto's teaching Honami how to play volleyball, and they're both having fun; she messes up a few receives but they're both enjoying what they're doing.
I'm watching them— all of them do what they want. I suddenly remembered that I have to think of my answer, if I should continue or not. I enjoy my job as their manager, having to help them analyze their mistakes and attacks, refilling their bottle for them; I like doing them. I feel useful, and I plan to be until the end.
Honami's really into the club, she's enjoying it because she has Yamamoto; he makes her want to stay. I have everyone, but everyone has someone else. I don't even know if I'm staying because I want to, or because I have Honami with me in the club. I love the sport, it's exciting.. but why am I here in the first place?
I told myself that I will do more this time, before this school year had even started. It's just crazy to live like I'm disabled to do many, and can only do so few, while others are living their lives to the fullest. Everyone's certain about what they want to do in life. They know what they plan on doing, and how they'll be living their lives.
I don't have experience in a lot of fields, I still need to learn. Yet I cage myself and prevent myself from doing anything, because I'm scared. I'm scared that I might make mistakes and, I'd humiliate myself in front of many individuals. I can't do anything because my anxiety acts up before something even happens.
I flinched when my bag was suddenly swinging in front of me, I look up to see Kenma. I tried to take my bag from him but he carries it over his shoulder, pulling me up to stand from the floor— how did I get here?
"You dozed off after taking a seat on the floor." I rub my eyes, seeing that it's just us. I look at him, worried that I made him stay. "Honami told me to take care of you." He sighs, walking out the gym ahead of me.
"Everyone left already?" I ask, running to catch up to him. He looks at me with dead eyes, nodding his head slowly. "I'm sorry." I fiddle with my fingers, looking at him with a frown. He just pat my head and continued walking.
"If I told you to go home, will you listen to me?" He asks, grabbing the jacket I had to make me stop. "You don't listen to Honami not Kuroo, who will you listen to?" I shrug, hearing him sigh. I don't know, I just really wanted to stay. "How about me?"
"I don't think I will. I'm only staying because I'm trying to find the answer, so leave me be." I gently take his hand off me, giving him a tired smile. "Come over, let's continue working on the project. Don't protest."
"But I'm going home once you fall asleep." I nod and continued walking.
I still wonder why Kenma doesn't play his PSP every time we go to my house, it's just that it's waking me up when he plays video games. The background music is actually very intriguing and the sound of the swords, they're just satisfying. He's also quiet whenever we head to my house, sometimes it's boring but, I leave him be.
On our way to my house, I would stumble and he'd grab my arm before I fall. Once I back on my feet he'd give me a mouthful, scolding me nonstop about being so clumsy; he blamed my sleepiness, I just had to agree to make him stop. But I stumbled and tripped more than once, so I received more and more every time.
Kenma would tell me to listen to Kuroo-san next time, or even to him or Honami. He told me to never stay in school if I'm tired and sleepy already, apparently he's been pulling me away from the road. I never noticed that I've been getting myself into danger and he'd grab me before a car passes by. He made us switch places, he walked by the edge of the sidewalk and I walked on the inner side.
My mom offered pancakes but I declined and headed upstairs, I didn't want to eat. I don't know about Kenma though, took him minutes before going to my room. I wait for Kenma before starting to do something about the project, I might ruin it again. I watched videos of puppies and kittens as I waited for him.
I also watched volleyball matches, mostly of our team against other teams around here in Tokyo. Kenma had black hair the first time he got here, it's really weird, he looks more like a girl with his hair like that. Kuroo-san looks the same, he still has the bedhead hair; I still feel like he gels his hair like that.
"Your mom told me something." I flinch upon hearing Kenma's voice, my phone jumping out of my hands and on to the floor. I hissed when I heard the sound of it hitting the surface. I checked my phone, seeing if it's still functioning. "(Y/n)."
"Oh yeah? What'd she say?" I ask, eyes still on my phone until he grabbed it and threw it to my bed. "Hey.." I turn to him and felt shivers down my spine, he looks serious. His eyes weren't exactly mad or pissed, there was worry in them.
"She told me to keep you away from Akaashi." He simply says, walking to my desk to get the project. He places it on the floor, taking his cutter out to fix it.
"But I still have to fix my problem with him. You told me to, remember? I'm taking my time, I'll fix it when I'm completely ready.. meeting him is normal when I—"
"No means no, (Y/n)." He's really intimidating when he's serious. "I know what I said. But your mother has ordered you to stop meeting him for the time being." He suddenly winces in pain, blood flowing out of his finger. He cut himself. I was about to help him when he stood and went out.
"But I want to decide for myself..."
I tried doing most parts today, I couldn't speak a word to him. He would usually be the one to talk, mostly just questions about the project. We almost argued about me doing most parts, he was about to get so pissed but I had to give in; didn't feel like protesting any further.
I wanted to ask him what mom told him to make him agree with her. He was totally making me take baby steps to get better so that I can do better, but he just went 180° and I don't know anymore. I want to decided for myself, I don't want them to tell me what to do.
Kenma seemed so unstable today, he was cutting himself a lot and he made more mistakes that I did. I couldn't ask him why he was like that, but he seemed so distracted and bothered by something. I want to know but he's not talking about it so I decided to keep quiet.
I would glance at him whenever I hear him wince and hiss after cutting himself again, he already has multiple bandaids on his hands and he's still continuing on with the project. I try to help but he just says that he's fine and he could do it all by himself. I'm really worried, it's like he's forcing himself already.
Feeling hungry, I head downstairs to the kitchen. I asked him if he wanted anything but he didn't answer, the coldness of his replies and the tension between us feels like we went back to square one again. I'm feeling anxious for some reason, why is he acting like that?
I brought cookies that were freshly baked, along with two cans of Coke; I don't know if he wants to drink this right now though. I smile at my mother who I met along the way, going ahead upstairs to Kenma. I almost dropped the cans, I can't carry all of these at once. I opened the door with my foot, sitting on the floor beside him.
"Kenma, you should take a break." I slide the can in front of him, speaking to him in a cheerful tone. I have no idea on what to do, so might as well sound jolly even when I'm worried— there's also something else that I can't make out.
"I'm fine." I take the can and hold it out for him to take, making him back away since I almost hit his face. I held it in front of him, waiting for him to take it. He lets out a sigh and finally takes it from me, I was about to open mine when he stole it. "You should sleep. If you drink this then you won't be able to sleep." He scolds me, placing the can of Coke beside him.
"I want to drink Coke." I groan and reach for it, he grabbed it and hid it behind his back. "Kenma." He glared at me, making me fall back in defeat.
I instead ate cookies and gave him some (I actually thought about not giving him any), continuing with our project. I didn't realize until now, that I've made so many mistakes, if I didn't then we could've finished this sooner. I probably troubled him with coming here too often.
I started to feel tired and my back started to ache, my position isn't really advisable but there wasn't any other position I could do. I took a pillow and placed it behind my back for me to rest on it, I got another one for me to hug; I'm starting to feel drowsy. I yawn a few times while working, cutting pieces of paper for me to paste on the little furniture.
I'm starting to give in to my sleepiness, I'm really tired now. I place the scissors on the floor and gave Kenma the pieces of paper, he takes them from me without asking me what those were for. I lean on my pillow, resting my head on the edge of the bed; at this point, I was only watching him do his work.
I woke up in my bed the next morning, I'm still in my uniform. The ringing of my alarm woke me up from my sleep, it's 6:15 AM. I remember falling asleep on the floor, and leaving Kenma to do everything else. I look to the side of my bed and found the floor spotless, there was nothing. I turn to my desk, seeing that the project's not there anymore.
I fall back, hitting my back with the soft cushion. I held my phone in my hand, just staring at it as I still felt sleepy. I unlocked my phone and found an unread text message.
Kodzuken: I brought the project with me, don't worry. Also if ever you wake up in the middle of your sleep, change into your pajamas.
ME: I don't think I'd have to :P
I head to my closet, taking out my other set of uniform for me to iron it. I hang it on the closet door after, going to the bathroom to take a shower. I did my morning routine, slapping my cheeks to wake myself up. I might really just have to rest this weekend.
Things has been so crazy for me, my heart would race and stop or randomly slow down. I don't know what emotions I've been feeling lately, I'm confused. I don't get anxiety attacks lately, I've been doing well and I'm getting a lot more comfortable with everyone. I haven't been the me that I know of, and it's kinda scaring me.
I hope that whatever's going on with me is a good result, if it's bad then I don't know what I'll be doing. If I'm starting to change for the better, I hope I stay that way and that I wouldn't go back to the way I was before. I actually really like the me right now; I'm cheerful despite the stress from all the homework, I don't cry much except that time I met Keiji, and I'm just okay.
I got to school and saw my friends right away. I run up to them, engulfing them into a hug. Today, I feel energized and well rested— I still am tired but not as much as yesterday. I told Maki and Honami about the kittens I saw on the way here, they followed me and just wouldn't stop asking me for food. If I could only bring them home.
The teacher came in early today, I guess he felt like we should have homeroom today. We all head to our seat to listen to what he has to say. Usually at situations like this, there's a new student; I hope it's a girl, I don't want anymore boys, they make up most of everyone in here.
"Hi, I'm Satsuki Ena. Nice to meet you all!" No... From all of the people who could've transferred here, why does it have to be you?
Why do I attract curses?
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Are we going too fast or too slow? Or moderate? Let me know <3