Hi, I love you all more than words can express.. Thank you for sticking around.
THIS IS A DOUBLE UPDATE!!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU READ THE CHAPTER AFTER THIS ONE!!!
CHERRY'S POV:
You tell me how it feels... You tell me how it feels to have your world flipped upside down inside a therapy session, and right out of it your swept back into the studio... The thing about it is.. I've already been on this team for this album, and there's no way to leave it now. There's no way to just stop. So I didn't just stop. I kept it going, the last bit of light I had kept going with it. I kept helping... I helped, I kept my input, and myself present in the studio as we added the finishing touches. I was there for the release of the Lights Up music video. I was there for the album announcement. I was there for SNL, and all the live performances.I was there for the filming, and release of Adore You, and Watermelon Sugar. I was there for the announcement of the tour which gave me so much anxiety I felt like I couldn't breathe.. I've been there through it all, and now we've got around thirty minutes until his album drops. It's December..
So right now I find myself looking back to the past year, and I could almost laugh at how blurry it all is because the entirety of it was clouded with work, and helping others. I found happiness in bits and pieces of it, but my life shouldn't feel like one of those montages, everything passing me by while I watch it..
Being a part of this team has helped me so much. It's changed me, and it's completely altered my perception on who I am, and how I am as well. Writing this album, helping with all of this was so special to me because it was so honest for not only me but him... so part of me feels upset that it's releasing tonight because that means it's over... Being a part of something like this is over, and I don't... I don't want it to be. At least part of me doesn't want it, but the other part of me is begging for it. I question half of the time if this is what I really want... To stop all together. I might take some time, and then just come right back... Join for the third album, and continue to write for him... He is my boyfriend, it's not like I'd be writing for strangers anymore..
"Baby.." I look up to him, and he's got his keys in his hands. I smile, thinking back to the last time we did this, two years ago, the album release. He doesn't need to say anything before I stand up, and take the keys from his hands. "What are you doing?" He asks with a laugh as I walk through the house, and towards the front door.
"Driving your car so we can go see the stars, and listen to your album..." I smile over my shoulder, and he shakes his head.
"You're lucky you're cute." He laughs, following behind me. We get in his car, and take the top down, letting the air surround us as I pull out of the driveway, and onto the road. Music plays softly, and I catch glimpses of him in the LA night. He's happy right now, he's been happy since all of the promo for the album started dropping. He's been excited for all of this, and I've kept up my energy because he makes it hard not to... Even though I'm not excited for me, I'm excited for him...
It's been a long while since I've been back here.. Since either of us have been back here. Neither of us had the time to do it, but at the beginning of this week, he made it apparent that we had to take a special trip up here to see the stars tonight. He needed it, and I did too. We drive to the top of the lookout, and once I park the car I feel a sense of warmth being here. There's comfort in places like this because there's memories in places like this. There's deep memories rooted inside of me just by looking at the spot we sit in.
*PLAY BEIGE BY YOKE LORE*
"Only a few minutes..." I tell him as we sit down next to each other, looking out over the stars. He's got his phone in hand.
"I'm really proud of you..." He tells me, and I shake my head.
"Shouldn't I be the one saying that?" I ask.
"No because this is your album just as much as it is mine..." He tells me, and I shake my head.
"It's not... It's not my album... It's yours Harry.. This album even if it was partially written by me is not mine. Every song is touched by you, influenced by you, your childhood idols, your sound, your lyrics, your playing... This is yours... As much as I wish I could claim it it's not mine." I tell him.
"It wouldn't be here without you." He reminds me, and I nod.
"I know, but it's not mine...It belongs to you, and all of them." I motion out to the stars. "I am proud of you... Really proud of you." I nod to myself. "The honesty, and rawness... How open you've been to me, your friends, your fans... yourself... This is an entire 180 from what you were when we met, and I'm proud of you... I loved you then, and I love you now, and I can't wait... I can't wait to see how far you go." I tell him honesty.
"Thank you... For everything." He smiles down at me, and I shake my head, pulling my knees up to my chest.
"Are you ready for them to have it?" I ask, and he nods quickly.
"More than ready... I just hope they love it... I'm not as nervous as the first album but I still... I still doubt myself, I doubt that they'll enjoy it like we both did while writing it." He tells me.
"They love you, and what makes you happy... Even if the music isn't what they'd normally listen to, they'll learn to appreciate that, and music like that because it's you... You have that kind of power and it's admirable." I tell him. "Your fans... Your fans are honestly the best people in the world... They scare me sometimes I won't lie, but.. But they support you in everything you do, and say.. They call you out when you need to be called out, and they help you when you need it..." I speak out, and leave out the part of wishing for the same thing... But do I really want that?
"They're the best people in the world.... I feel lucky. Everytime I think about it I feel so lucky. Everytime I think about you I feel lucky..." He tells me.
"Well Mr. Lucky... Your second album just dropped." I turn to face him, showing him the time.
"You never told me what your favorite song from the album was now that it's completely finished." He speaks out.
"It's Fine Line... It will always be Fine Line because that song... It means the world to me, and the aspect of the horns at the end. The sound of hope towards the end.. I can't.. I'll never be able to describe the feeling it gives me, but I love the song more than I can explain..." I tell him. "What's your favorite song from the album Harry?" I ask.
"Falling...or Lights Up." He tells me.
"Why?"
"Falling because it's the most honest I've ever been while writing. I decided I didn't care anymore. I felt so low at that point, and I finally just let it out, no fine lines, no hidden messages... It was a big step for me, and for us that song... and Lights Up for pretty much the same reasons.. Though the meaning changes it's fluent, and it's honest. It marks a huge moment in my life, my journey with and without you..." He tells me.
"Let's listen to it..." I nod my head to his phone, and he pulls his phone up, turning Golden on right away, and I smile at the familiar sound of the song that I've heard a thousand times at this point. It's different now though. It's different now because it's not either of ours anymore, it belongs to the world... It's there's to love, to hate, and to decipher... and though this album isn't mine, it still means the absolute world to me...
We spent just about all night last night catching up with social media, and answering calls. He talked to his mom, Gemma, Stevie, Jeffrey, the whole band.. Everyone was more than excited for him, and it was an entire whirlwind of a night. I'm happy we spent the first part of it looking at the stars together.. Moments like that are moments that no one can know besides us. Sleeping was hard that night because we were both ready for today. He's been itching to perform again, but to perform in front of an entire audience. To perform in front of people that are genuinely excited to see him live.
We left for the Forum pretty early on. I recall the last time I saw him performing here, the gold and black suit. The energy that night was incredible, and it's something I'll remember for the rest of my life too. We've been here all day, and I did my makeup before I left the house with Harry. He's inside the venue right now, but I'm with Mitch, and both of us are walking towards the front of the Forum to see if we can take a look at everyone outside.
"Do you ever get nervous performing in front of so many people?" I ask him, and he shrugs his shoulders with his hands in his pockets.
"I never really used to, but now that the stakes are higher, more fans, more intense guitar and everything.. I'm nervous for tonight." He tells me honestly.
"You've got it in the bag, you know you do." I smile, and we peak out of one of the windows, seeing the mass of people outside. Holy shit... This is, this is more intense than it ever was before...
"This is insane... Sometimes it doesn't feel real." He speaks his mind, and I nod, agreeing with him.
"It hasn't felt real since yesterday to me." I speak out softly.
"How are you handling it all? I haven't really gotten the chance to talk to you lately because you've been gone or we've been in the studio.." He tells me.
"Handling what well?" I ask.
"The album drop... The fact that you're just as needed in this industry as him.. Just how much everything is changing for you..." He speaks out.
"I'm handling it... as best as I can.. I guess? I don't really know if I'm being honest. It's a lot to take in considering the fact that I never asked for this, never expected it.. I don't even know if I ever wanted it... To be on this level I mean. I guess before I was happy with my life staying where it was, going at the exact same pace it had always been.. It's funny... A long time ago I told Harry this analogy about running on a track, and I said.. I said back then that I had felt like I was running, and it's funny that I thought what I was doing was running... I wasn't even fucking moving back then." I tell him.
"So you're running now?" He asks me.
"Not yet.." I tell him.
"So what are you doing?" He asks.
"Well lately Harry and I have been playing the game of 'no you go first.' meaning we keep slowing ourselves down so the other can run faster... So I think if I'm honest with myself I'm at a jog... not a run yet." I correct him.
"Are you happy with where you are then?" He asks.
"Not yet." I tell him honestly, knowing I can trust him.
"Does Harry know that?" He asks.
"Not yet... But he will.. After all of this is over." I tell him, motioning around us. I've got this show, I've got the London show, and then Christmas... and then it's a new year... then.. Then it's Cherry time, but no one really knows what that means yet, not even me. "Is it bad that I'm nervous for tonight?" I ask, and he looks at me.
"Not at all...You're hearing your songs performed live in front of an audience for the first time, this is special... and it's not like the last album because these songs are more part of you than the first album." He tells me.
"I bet you Harry is looking for us." I tell him, and he shrugs.
"Let the little shit look then." He jokes, and I roll my eyes.
"Come on Mitch." I wave my arm, and start walking back towards the backstage of the arena. He puts his arm around my shoulder as we walk.
"You know what Cherry Bomb?" He asks, and I look up to him.
"What?" I ask.
"I'm very glad Harry Styles met you when he did... Personally I think it's the smartest thing he's ever done..." He tells me, and I smile.
"I am too.. He gave me a family." I tell him, and continue to walk with him.
"Little sis? Sounds about right." He agrees, and I smile. Yeah, it does sound about right... We walk backstage again, and I split ways from Mitch, going to my things so I can get dressed. I put on a tighter fitting white dress that hits my calves. I bought this one special for tonight... I wanted to feel confident, and good despite the fact that tonight isn't really about me, nor for me. It's about him as it should be. I change into the dress, and put on some strappy black heels with it, keeping it simple and classy as I do. I make sure to have all my rings on, my cherry one, my promise ring, and the ring my dad gave me so long ago. I clip my name necklace on that Harry got me, and fluff out my hair just the same.
"Darleneeeeeee!" I turn to see Sarah, and she waves me out. I follow her out of the room, and she walks me into another room, and I see him, all dressed up in the cover shoot outfit. The outfit that has been recreated a thousand times over and talked about non stop for the past month. I'm really happy he's wearing it tonight too, it'll make this more memorable than it already was to begin with. I smile as I watch him talk to his mom, and she gasps when she sees me for the first time. Harry turns around, and his mouth drops open into a giant smile.
"Baby!!!" He shouts out, and walks forward, wrapping his arms around me. He completely encloses me from everyone else in the room, and tilts his head down so his cheek is pressing to the top of my head. "You look beautiful." He whispers so only I can hear.
"So do you.." I whisper back, and smile, closing my eyes, and hugging him back. "And you smell good." I add as he pulls back. Anne steps forward, and wraps me in a hug as well.
"Are you sitting with me tonight?" She asks, and Harry leans into me.
"Nope she'll be standing in front of the barricade with Jeffrey so I can look down and see her." He informs her. "I told you to stand up there too mum." He tells her, and she shakes her head.
"Your mum is too old for that, and you know it. I can't stand the whole time. Are you excited?" She asks, holding his shoulders.
"Always excited.. My two favorite girls in the audience.. The fans, the album.. Of course I'm excited.. Come here." He pulls us both into a hug, and I melt at his words. His two favorite girls... That's a title if I've ever heard one. I haven't really been to any of the band practices except the first two. I wanted the songs to come as a surprise the first time I heard them but I also didn't want to be a distraction so I spent those times in the studio instead... This really will be the first time I hear the album in full, just like all the fans.
"Alright are you ready?" Jeffrey asks, and I nod. He takes me with him, and Harry along with the band follow behind, all of us getting in a group, traveling through the backstage of the arena, going towards the open stage. He sold it out... All of the Forum sold out in minutes for this show... He does his small show circle, and gets himself hyped up, just as he always does, and that's when Jeffrey takes me out front with him. As soon as we get to our spot in front of the barricade towards the side the lights go out, and I swear it sounds like a jet engine... I've never heard something so loud in my entire life..
The band walks out, and I keep my hands clasped up in front of me, pressing to my lips as I wait for his entrance, my excitement growing for him as I do. This is it.. It's what we've all been waiting for... He walks out, and the lights hit him perfectly. He does the pose, the iconic fine line pose straight from the cover, and I smile like an idiot as I watch him wave, and blow kisses to the people who have been waiting to see him for over a year now. They scream louder, and louder as he makes his way down the stairs and to the microphone, and as he does Golden starts.
Everyone in the audience has heard these songs, at least most of them have, but none of them know them by heart yet, and that's what I love about this night. This is the only night some of the songs will be heard with his voice and his voice only, echoing throughout the entire venue. I can't even imagine what he's feeling right now. He starts singing, and I can tell he's nervous only because I've seen him perform too many times to count, but either way his nerves don't outshine the performance or the song. It sounds incredible, and so does the band...
Watermelon Sugar, Adore You and Lights up all sound just as incredible as I had heard before. He's performed them on TV shows, and they were all great but the energy in this room right now makes them so much better. Right as soon as Lights Up ends the lights change, and then Mitch switches from his guitar straight to the dulcimer. My heart drops a bit seeing it, knowing what's coming next. We all agreed that he would just sing the song outright, that the voicemail would be left just for the recording. He eyes me from where he stands but he makes it subtle as he does, giving me a soft look. I give him a thumbs up, and see him close his eyes.
"Don't you call him baby... We're not talking lately. Don't you call him what you used to call me.." He sings out. I see how deep into the song he is. I see his connection to it, and it eases my heart, but part of me still feels heavy hearing it out loud. Part of me feels unsure about it, and uneasy. I continue to listen, to tell myself that he can feel this song just the same as me... That it's easier to sell songs to him because he knows what I've gone through. He can draw from my emotion because he knows it first hand... Right? So when I do take a break, when I do come back... We can pick this up where we left off, the same team dynamic... Right?
I catch myself crying. Wiping under my eyes. It's not premeditated.. I hadn't really wanted to cry tonight... No one really wants to cry. I know that this song means just as much to him as it does to me, but in different ways... At least that's what I'll tell myself to make it through.
"Does he take you walking around his parents gallery?" He sings, and I find myself letting out a shaky breath. Everything is fine.. You can see it in his face that he knows what these lyrics are... but they don't... The people he's singing to have no idea... He continues through the song, and I decide to just focus on his face instead of the words he's singing. Knowing as soon as it's over he'll be jumping right into Falling, and though it hurts it's not mine.... But then again none of these songs are mine.
Tonight isn't about me though... The night in itself, no matter what influence I had on the album is about him, and that's how it should be... This is his album, it was released, and it's something to be celebrated... That's why my heart seems to be at war because no matter the smiling faces, and the enjoyment that everyone around me seems to be feeling... My heart feels incredibly heavy....
He sings through Falling, and the crowd was rowdy somewhat, all of them feeling something throughout it. He moves into To Be So Lonely, and again I hear the lyric changes, and find it hard to adjust to them. I was there when he recorded it. I was there to help rewrite it, but here.. Live.. It's not the same, it's all so odd to me. I've never really been in the audience for someone that I write for. Not once have I been in the audience to hear one of my songs performed live for an entire crowd of people.. Harry is the only one. For tour, and then now... but that's what it is.. It's the personal side of these songs being sung out that's making me feel this way.. It has to be.
After he sings To Be So Lonely I find myself back into a smile, hearing him joke with the crowd. They had not a single problem screaming that he was an arrogant son of bitch despite the fact that they had only just heard the album a few hours before this show. Their dedication is there, I'll give them that. When She starts, I get back into my normal mindset, feeling comfortable in my skin, and in the arena once more. Though I wrote half of this song, it doesn't hit the same as Cherry does, not one bit. The audience loves it too, all of his fans have shown an incredible amount of love and appreciation for him, and every song since he walked on the damn stage, and that's a dedication like no other... It's a dedication that's turning into a craving for me...
After She we move through the rest of the album, and I love Sunflower Vol. 6. I love it because it really hides. The lyrics I mean... They're not the happiest lyrics, they have a deeper meaning, a sadder meaning than the melody of the music lets on and it brings an entire new level to the song.. And of course he had to add the boops at the end while he performed it... That wasn't even supposed to make the final cut, but he was messing around in the studio, and I coaxed him into adding it.. Now that he's going to be expected to make those noises every single time he performs it I think he might regret that choice. Treat People With Kindness, and Canyon Moon are also just the same, both of them bringing an energy and liveliness to everything around them...
But it all stopped... It all stopped once he put his guitar over his shoulders, and started strumming the familiar sound of a song that means the entire world to both of us. My favorite from the album, and one of his.. You can see the emotion behind this song just from looking at him, but that's not the part that brings me to tears. It's the fact that it's silent right now... The entire arena is silent. They want his voice right now, and he's giving it to them, but along with it he's giving his heart, and soul... He's being vulnerable on that stage, and I'm beyond proud of him.. My heart is full for him. This is the only time I'll ever be able to hear him sing this song in a sold out arena, but just hearing him, no other voices, nothing but him... It's beautiful...
My heart is full for him, but my heart is oddly heavy for me. Heavy, and confused as to how I should be feeling right now... I'm proud, but sad. I'm happy, but hurt by my own actions. I'm excited for him, but feeling dull for myself.. He wore his pearls tonight.. Another token into our relationship, another small thing that no one really knows.. No one but us... But there's a lot of those small things... and right now I'm a small thing.. Not in his eyes, but in all honesty... What's in his eyes doesn't matter. In my eyes, I'm small.. I'm small to myself, and to the world. I've been through hell and back. I've felt the knife of rejection, defeat, and so much more... and I'm doing exactly what Dean had always said I did... I'm doing exactly what I had told Harry not to do... I'm hiding behind a screen.. And I want no more of it...
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Song: Beige by Yoke Lore.
A/N: hello. I appreciate every single one of you more than words. Thank you for sticking by me.
THIS IS A DOUBLE UPDATE!!! THERE'S ANOTHER CHAPTER AFTER THIS ONE!