Touring Europe is such a different beast from touring around America. This is my third time around in Europe and I forgot how different it was. The one thing that I majorly forgot how much I hated is the different outlets in every European country. I have blown so many fuses and chargers over the past month the next time I come to tour Europe I'm buying them in bulk to bring with me.
This tour has been quick. The shows are so stacked were we don't have many complete off days. Most of our off days have been travel days. The few off days we do have, we have gone out to make the most of our time in Europe. We have been sight-seeing, shopping and have done a lot of eating. During our time off we have basically done everything as a group. The one thing I love about Europe is that I don't get recognized here easily. I have had some pretty good success here to headline a small tour myself but most of the days we were able to go out and do whatever we wanted without being noticed.
Ashley had a lot of press to do here in Europe so we didn't get to see each other as often. During our time here Alyssa and the label had set up some press for myself to do as well. Not a lot, just about one in every country we stopped at for me to start to get my toes wet again. Even though I still didn't want to have meet and greets with fans yet, I have been having little meet ups in a few stops. Usually they were outside the venue before I went I did sound check. I got to hang out with the fans for a little, take some selfies, sign some autographs maybe sing a song for them if I had enough time.
Before we started going out for shows, Alyssa and I had a lot of work to do. She floated me the idea to start making music videos for some of my more successful songs that I have out now and that took up a lot of our time during the first week of our time here in Europe. We started with My Heart because I knew I just wanted to use the footage from one of my shows in the states. I watched at least 15 different videos of the song and I ended up using the video from the show of Ashers' birthday. I was emotional and you could see it during the performance and when my voice cut out the crowd picked it right up. When I sing the song live I always overlay Asher's vocals during the song.
So once I picked the performance I wanted to use, I scoured my laptop and found old pictures and videos of Asher and I. Then I found a video saved deep in my cloud from the day Asher recorded himself. I had the video designer piece together the video of Asher singing with me right beside him. The final product made me cry so hard it took a phone call with Thea to get me to stop. When we watched it back it almost felt like he was on stage singing the song with me.
Tell Her You Love Her kind of became a pride anthem overnight. Suddenly it blew up towards the end of June as we were leaving for Europe and Alyssa wanted me to capitalize on the success. We found out that there was a pride parade going on in Madrid so Nikki, Alyssa and myself went. The video was basically of our time at pride, the floats, dancers, all kinds of couples and in a few spots of the song we added video of me singing to Thea during the Boston show and a few different pictures and videos of Thea and I.
We haven't put out any other videos right now because of tour but we have planned out shooting a few more when we get home. Alyssa said that the label has given her an offer to present to me for one full length album with a major headline tour across the states, South America, Europe and possibly Asia if it does well there. I haven't given them an answer about it yet because I want to have an official offer and have Jack go over it.
Touring with a packed schedule is not ideal. Alyssa has been great with making sure we have an off day every once and a while but I'm breaking down. It has been hard for me to have therapy sessions with Doctor Blake while overseas because of the time difference and I've been needing them now more than ever. My nightmares have come back in full force and they are slowly driving me insane. The first week here in Europe they weren't too bad. I was able to wake myself up from them and be okay.
Lately they have become so bad that I don't sleep anymore. My mind is out to get me right now and I don't know what to do to stop it. Doctor Blake could see it in the few sessions we have been able to have and prescribed me sleeping pills because of it. I don't like taking them though because when I do wake up the next day I'm so out of it, it's hard to function let alone play a set. So my only option has been staying awake most of the night, get a few hours of sleep and drink so much coffee Alyssa started to get worried she called Thea.
Being in Europe has definitely put stress on Thea and I's relationship. Slowly but surely she's recovering from her injury and her arm healed up nicely. She has spent most of her time since I've left on desk duty and is working on getting cleared. When we get home after tour she just has her final physical with the department doctor and she will be cleared to go back to active duty.
Things have been tense for us lately. The time difference has been a killer. Between Thea being at the station, physical therapy, meeting with her therapist and hanging out with Lindsey and me country hopping with different time zones, press and shows we haven't really talked to each other. Since I've come to Europe we've only really facetimed twice I think. Phone calls are usually short but frequent with texts thrown in as well but our communication has been lacking.
Up until I went away on this tour I didn't realize how much of an impact Thea has on my mental health. She has been a light in my darkness since we met and it has taken me way too long to realize that this isn't healthy. Our lack of communication has impacted my mood this much and has fed my nightmares.
I don't know how everyone has been able to put up with me lately. When I do manage to get some sleep, I've been waking up screaming. Nikki helps me some nights to calm me down, others it's Alyssa. Some nights I just push them all away and lock myself in the bathroom to be alone with my panic.
Last night was a bad night. We are staying in a hotel for the next few nights before the show in Luxembourg and I had a night terror that Thea died. It sent me into a tail spin so hard that I had a panic attack. What made it worse was that Thea wasn't answering her phone. I was so loud that Diego and Alyssa heard me from there hotel rooms and had the hotel manager open my door to check on me. When they found me Alyssa almost had them send me to the hospital because of how manic I was. The only thing that stopped it was that Nikki was able to get Thea on the phone and she talked me down. Alyssa forced me to take a sleeping pill and Nikki stayed to watch me.
Waking up I found Nikki asleep in the bed next to mine. Britt is sitting in the arm chair by the window, Diego and Alyssa are both playing chess at the small table in the room. What surprised me was Eli leaning against the wall playing with his phone. It took me a few minutes to remember what happened yesterday and when I did I just felt like crying. Feeling that out of control again scared me.
Britt noticed I was awake first and kicked Alyssa's chair which got her attention. Soon everyone's eyes were on me and I hated it. My skin was crawling and I just wanted to be left alone to shower and get my head together.
"How are you feeling?" Eli was brave enough to ask.
"Really?" I asked back and rubbed my face.
"We are really worried here Ashlyn; we don't know what to do to help you. We can back out of the rest of the tour if you need to. I'm not going to put you in a situation where you are not okay to perform." Alyssa said.
"Backing out of the tour stresses me out more. We don't have much longer left and Thea will be here soon. I can make it through. When I get home I'm going to talk to Doctor Blake about possibly going somewhere to help me. But leaving right now is not an option. If I played through my siblings murder I can get through this." I made clear.
"Do you want me to remind you about that?" Eli asked crossing his arms over his chest. I clenched my jaw and stared at him.
"We just want what's best for you Ash." Nikki said.
She looked sad. Everyone looked sad and scared. I can't handle that right now. Getting up out of bed I grabbed my phone and walked into the bathroom. I slammed the door shut and slid down to the floor. It took me a few seconds to get my phone unlocked and hit Thea's number.
"Hello?" I heard her voice break through the silence.
"Hi" I said already feeling tears start to fall.
"How are you feeling Ash?" Thea asked.
"I'm sorry." Was all I could get out as a sob ripped through my throat.
"You have nothing to be sorry for Ashlyn. Absolutely nothing. We will be together soon enough and after tour is over we can get you the help you need to stop these nightmares." Thea said loud and clear.
"It hurts watching them die over and over again, watching you die." I said tried to wipe away the stream of tears that kept falling.
"I know it does baby and it's not fair that they are gone. Do you remember what I told you when I agreed to help you get out of your contract way back when?" Thea asked.
"No" I said trying to remember the early days of when we met.
"In return for helping you I asked you to live. Right now you aren't. You're stuck in this headspace that isn't safe for you and it's putting your life in jeopardy. And don't even try to deny that you haven't thought about taking your life again recently." Thea's words struck a nerve and I let out a breath I've been holding since these nightmares started getting worse.
When I looked up from the white tile floor of the bathroom the Reaper is standing across from me. He doesn't have his sickle today as he has both of his hand clasped in front of him.
"Ashlyn let me know you are still listening baby." Thea said calmly.
"I'm here." I answered and watched as the Reaper tilted his head.
"I know that you are worried about me but I'm fine. I'm behind a desk and Rory comes and checks on me every hour. Lindsey has been over my house more than ever before and Malia even comes to check up on me. I just want you to focus on your music. You have a few weeks left of this tour and I will be with you soon. I know you can do it baby. When we hang up I want you to call Doctor Blake. You need to be honest with her about how you are feeling, along with everyone else waiting inside your hotel room right now. You can't get better if you don't let them in." Thea said.
"Okay" I said and felt it start to get easier to breath.
"I know that things are hard right now and we haven't talked much and I'm sorry for that. I'll make sure that we talk more until I'm with you in person. Can you do me a favor baby?" Thea asked.
"Anything."
"Can you go to the window please?" Thea asked.
I was confused with her request. The Reaper nodded and pointed towards the door. Slowly I stood from the floor and opened the bathroom door. Everyone in the room stayed quiet as I walked toward the window.
"I'm here." I said and opened the shades.
"Can you find the moon for me?" Thea asked.
"Yea" I said and found the moon in the early morning light.
"Even though we might be apart just know that we are under the same sky. The moon tonight looks like the moon the night I found you on the bridge. It was so full and bright that it lit up the dark and I was able to see you as I crossed the bridge. The moon will always draw us together." Thea said and I can only imagine her standing on her porch looking up at the dark night sky.
"It's so good to hear your voice." I said leaned against the window.
"I will be with you soon baby. I have to go now though; Doctor Blake is expecting you call. I love you so much Ashlyn." Thea said.
"I love you too Themis." I replied.
I heard her say goodbye again and then the call dropped. I let my phone fall to the ground and I rubbed my head.
"I'm sorry" I said. A few seconds later I felt hands on my back and I turned around. Eli is standing right in front of me and he pulled me into his arms. I gripped onto the back of his shirt so tightly I thought I was going to rip it. A few seconds later I felt four more pairs of arms wrap around me and I finally felt at peace.
When we broke apart Alyssa had Doctor Blake already set up on my laptop for a facetime call. Our session was hard. It took a lot for me to admit how I was truly feeling. The session stretched on for almost two hours and by the time I hung up all I wanted to do is sleep. Alyssa sat with me during the session and Doctor Blake gave her some strategies to help me when I feel like I'm spiraling.
I stood from the table and walked over to the window again. The sun was shining brightly today and I let the sun rays warm my face. Quickly I got dressed and slipped my shoes on.
"I'm going outside." I said and grabbed my key card.
Alyssa nodded as I left the room. Nikki and Britt were waiting right outside of my room and followed me into the elevator. This hotel has a rooftop pool and patio area and that's where I wanted to go. I hit the top floor and the elevator brought us up. When we got there I almost ran to the door leading outside. Britt caught up with me first and helped me out the door.
When I finally got outside I walked over to a corner of the roof away from everyone else and laid down. Neither Nikki or Britt said anything as I closed my eyes and just felt the sun beat down on me. The fresh air is clearing up my headache and my heart hurts a bit less. I spent all day on the roof top. Alyssa came up midday to relieve Nikki and Britt and brought me some food. I ate it quickly and went back to laying in the sun.
"Does the hotel have a piano?" I asked a little while later.
"I believe so but if you want to write and record I can get you in a studio." Alyssa said from the chair next to me.
"I don't want to be in a studio, I just want a piano in a room with my laptop." I said and opened my eyes to look at her. Alyssa searched my eyes for something but when she didn't find it she nodded.
"I'll set it up and let you know when it's ready." Alyssa said.
I could hear her on the phone as I started to type lyrics of a song into notes on my phone. A few minutes later Diego came up to the roof and took Alyssa's place. Diego actually started to do some yoga as I watched him.
"I could show you some if you want?" He asked as he moved into another pose.
"Maybe another day." I said and went back to writing on my phone.
Alyssa texted me a little while later saying she arranged the piano for me. Diego walked me down to my hotel room while I got my laptop and my notebook before following me to the ballroom Alyssa told me where the piano was. When I opened the door Diego stood in the doorway in a silent question if he was allowed in with me. He took in my face and nodded as I closed the door in front of him. I need some time for myself right now. I know once I leave and go back to my room someone will be there with me all night so I need this time alone.
I sat on the piano bench and set up my laptop before I pulled up the notes on my phone. I took a few minutes to rewrite everything I had into my notebook. I changed a few lines of the song and when I felt good about it I opened a new song file and hit record. This song has a double meaning to it. One for missing Thea and the other for missing my siblings. I belted out the song and when I was done I took a few breaths before listening to the song back. I saved the file and recorded the song for a second time. I liked the second recording better and saved it before I recorded it once again. The third version was a bit rough as I had a hard time keeping my tears at bay.
I reviewed all three and saved them all before sending the second recording to Thea. I wanted her to hear it. Once I was done I left the piano and the ballroom and returned to my hotel room. I showered and changed into pajamas and just as I was about to take a sleeping pill I heard a knock on my door. I walked over to it and opened it to find Nikki standing there with some food. We ate together and when I was done I took the pill.
"Can you stay?" I asked Nikki as she threw out the garbage.
"There's nowhere else I rather be." Nikki said and jumped onto the bed with me.
Nikki pulled me into her and for the first time since before tour started I slept without having a nightmare.
The song is called Stay by Miley Cyrus.