Hardin
My mum is sitting at the counter next to Vance.
"Morning." I say
"Do you have any idea what you put me through?" My mum says.
"Sorry." I reply.
"You couldn't pick up a phone or let me know you were alive? Anything ?" She asks.
"I was fine and I'm here now." I reply.
Tessa comes out of the room and has a seat at the kitchen table.
"We called a few places this morning for rehab." Vance says.
"I'm just going to do meetings." I reply.
"Hardin I think we're past that point." Vance says.
And I know that..I want to leave right now and get high. But I am looking at Tessa and thinking I have the slightest chance of making this right and having her and never letting her go. For as long as I'm here that is.
"Hardin, please." Tessa says.
And in this moment I realize I can't keep doing this. I need to be here for her and I can't do that if I keep doing this. But there's also the fact that life has other plans for me.
"Alright I'll go." I say.
My mum gets up and hugs me and I hug her back.
"I'm sorry, I really am." I whisper to her even though I know she doesn't believe me but why would she at this point.
She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. "I just need you to get better." She says.
"I know I do too." I reply.
I didn't think I would ever get here again. And I guess I thought that Tessa was going to be back with Easton probably told him the baby was his and she was just going to pretend I never existed. And I guess if I am being honest I was pretending myself that I didn't exist, because why does it even matter anymore if I do.
My body was just going through the motions. And the doctor here found something the doctor back in Seattle didn't. I have to have surgery and it has a 20% success rate. So when I heard that and from Tessa I just sorta gave up ya know.
Just a lot of thoughts have ran through my mind and then I drank and I drank more and I did what I did and it all turned off.
Tessa.
The baby.
Madi.
Vance.
Cancer.
My addiction.
Death.
It just all seemed like too much. And I have always been complicated. I have always complicated everyone's lives. I started thinking it would be easier if I wasn't here to complicate things.
When I'm using it all turns off.
Honestly I'm scared if I don't get help.
But I'm also scared if I do.
After a pretty silent breakfast I decide to go take a shower. I think everyone is scared of saying something to set me off.
When I get out of the shower Tessa is in my room looking through one of my drawers.
"Looking for something?" I ask.
She instantly turns around and closes the drawer. I definitely startled her.
"I...Umm I was just looking for a shirt." She says.
"Well did you find one?" I ask
"No." She replies.
I shuffle through my drawer and toss her one of my Ramones shirts that I knew is her favorite.
"Oh, thanks." She says.
Then I go to a box under my bed where I had some drugs left, and I throw it onto the bed.
"This is what you were looking for, right?" I ask
She flips the box open and then closes it right away.
"I'm sorry I should have asked you." She says.
"Well I probably would have lied to you." I say as I drop my towel and grab my boxers and shorts to get dressed.
"I'm not ignoring what you just said, but umm wow..." She just says
"So round 2?" I ask.
"Everyone is awake now." She says.
"Soo?" I question.
"Sooo not right now." She says.
"Ok." I say as I put my clothes on.
"What about your girlfriend anyways?" She asks.
"I don't have one." I reply
"You broke up?" She asks.
"No that was a lie too." I reply.
She looks confused. "Why would you lie about that?"
She asks.
"Because before I knew you were pregnant I thought your life would be easier if you could pretend I was never in it." I pause...
"And then when I got that text from you I realized that's what you were doing and again I realized how much I fucked everything up and I lost you...again." I say.
"I'm here now....but I need you to do this and to get help." She relies.
And she's right this is it. My final chance. Everyone is over my shit. Including myself. But who knows if life will even give me that.
"Let me just have one more night with you." I beg.
"No...you have to check yourself into rehab...tonight." She demands.
"What's one more night? I'm not going to do anything...I just want to be with you." I say.
"I don't want something to happen between now and then to make you change your mind about going." She says.
"I'll go you have my word....just one night with you." I reply.
"Okay" she agrees.
"Can I show you something?" I ask her.
"Go ahead and show me" she replies.
"It's a place." I tell her.
I can tell she is apprehensive about going anywhere with me after everything I have put her through and I would be too. But she agrees to go anyways.
I then have to do some convincing Vance and my mum that I'll check myself into rehab tomorrow. I don't blame anyone for not trusting me, but it does still suck. Tessa and I head to my studio.
She doesn't know that's where we are going but I want to show her a part of my life that I never really showed her.
"Why were you staying with your mum anyways?" She asks.
"I have lived out of a bag for a few years now and since I was always traveling it just never made sense to get a place." I reply.
One thing I did invest in though was studio space. And it's my own space and it's where I have done some of my best thinking, best writing, and made my best music.
When we arrive we take the elevator up to the third floor and I unlock the door.
"Here we are." I say as I hold the door open for her.
I don't know what she expected but I don't think this was it.
She looks around in what looks like amazement "I am surprised you brought me here." She says.
"I spent a lot of time here and this place is what kept me sober maybe even alive for soooo long." I tell her.
"So why couldn't you do that this time?" She asks.
"I wanted to be." I reply.
And I did. But I gave into just being done....With everything.
"Can I hear something?" She asks.
"I can think of something better to do" I reply as I move closer to her.
"No? Hardin I want to hear your music" She replies
"Mmm okay." I reply hesitant. And it's the second time she has turned me down....today.
I hit play and I sit back and I just take in her reaction. I play her a song I wrote for an artist and that I produced. So it's not me singing (I don't do that) but it's all my words and she can tell.
This song is called "barely breathing"
It is one of my sadder songs... i guess you would say. I actually wrote it right after I overdosed.
She starts crying.
"Why are you crying?" I ask
"Because you felt so much pain that you tried to kill yourself and hearing this I feel that pain for you. And I'm scared you are going to do that again." She says.
"I know and you are right. My mum is right. Vance is right. I need help. I don't know how to change on my own because honestly I love the way not feeling feels way more than anything else right now. But I also know I can't keep doing this...for you and for the baby." I reply.
"I also want you to do it for you." She says.
She deserves me to at least try.
Try to get sober.
But then what.