"Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on.."
Bill Withers
ENITAN
I looked around the room to make sure I'd packed every of my stuff into the last luggage, which was the smallest among all the three and the only one I was to travel with. Tanya was going to send the rest later through courier service. I'd been so busy packing I didn't notice the day was far spent. Closing the suitcase and lifting it off the bed, I dragged it to the corner of the room , then headed downstairs to grab a late dinner.
Not that I was hungry-the thoughts of Nathan tying the knot with his fiancée by morning was enough to kill my appetite- but my babies needed the nutrition. Putting on a pot of noodles on the stove to simmer, I brought out bananas and a carton of yoghurt from the fridge and unenthusiastically dumped them into the electric blender and turned it on.
In no time I was sitting at the dining table, eating noodles and scooping banana flavoured yogurt while scrolling through my social media feed. My father would have snatched the gadget out of my reach if he was here, he hated it when people were glued to their phones especially at a meal. Luckily he wasn't and wasn't going to see me until an hour before my morning flight.
The intercom at the front door buzzed and I glanced at my phone to check the time.
Ten P.M
I dropped the phone and spoon on the table, dashed to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, just in case I needed it-like an intruder would use the doorbell or even get past Everest who was busy being invisible somewhere around the building. But even though I wanted to believe Everest would never hurt me or let anyone, I couldn't trust my life in the hands of a man who took part in hiding an important secret from me. I sashayed to the front door, snuggling the oversized cotton robe tighter.
I stood on my toes and peered through the peephole, but the heel of my foot came back down immediately. My heart must've skipped ten beats seeing Nathan standing outside. I opened the door slowly and got into attack mode, rehearsing all the hurtful words I was going to send him back home with. But I paused, everything seemed off about his disposition, he looked broken and crushed, something I'd never witnessed. His hands hung loosely to his sides as he raised his head to reveal a sullen look. My eyes travelled down to his body, his shirt was dripping wet and it clung to his body, making the unrhythmic heave of his chest and slight shiver of his body even more pronounced.
Was he robbed? Did he get into a fight? I slowly dropped the knife behind the door and stepped aside so he could come in. He walked into the large living room area with slow shaky steps and stopped in the middle. I leaned in to shut the door, pausing shortly to put my mind together. My first instinct was to be hostile, but when I turned and stare into those eyes under the light, I didn't recognise the eyes that stared back at me. His eyes had always carried power, excitement, anger even. Now they held nothing but brokenness and emptiness.
***
He sat in silence in the lounge upstairs, wrapped in a duvet I took from one of the spare rooms. I put on the room heater and joined him on the couch, examining his now shirtless body for injuries but finding none. We sat in silence for what felt like eternity.
"What happened?" I asked, turning towards him with one leg on the couch and the other on the ground. Instead of an answer, he put his head down and avoided making eye contact.
"Just hold me," he said. Though he'd always loved been held, tonight his plea wasn't of a man needing pleasure. It sounded like that of a man drowning on the inside and looking for an anchor to hold.
I shuffled closer, one hand pulling him to my body and the other bringing his head softly unto my shoulder. His large frame covered me and because of his weight, I rested my back on the couch.
My thoughts were flying in different directions. Was it work? But the business news had reported the Asian deal to have fallen through. Nathan was always in control of his emotions. I'd never seen him this distraught and it made me even more restless. Was it related to his father or Annabelle? He'd mentioned few days back that he was working on something, did that have anything to do with his present state?
"Did something happen?" I asked. Of course, something must have happened for him to be in my arms on the eve of his wedding. I just didn't know which other way to get him to talk.
"I'm just going to turn out like my father. I'm no better than him," he drawled, raising his head from my shoulder.
"Ok?" I replied with a wavering voice. "Did you try to murder someone?" I stared at him for an answer and was relieved when he bobbled his head.
"Then what is? You show up to my door a total mess and you won't even tell me what's wrong! Please make me understand what's going on."
He threw back his head on the couch and groaned. "How do I make you understand when I don't understand myself?" He grabbed his head with both hands and he let out a low-pitched cry. "This is too much to understand."
I should've kicked him out since he obviously wasn't in any danger, but I found myself cradling his face and bringing it down to my shoulder again.
He fell asleep leaning on me and I laid him on the couch, covering him with the duvet. His phone kept buzzing with calls and text, I had to switch off the device.
I heaved a deep sigh. I was physically and mentally drained from staying up and watching him sleep. Even in his sleep, his eyebrow creased and his breath was ragged.
My mind finally went on a hiatus and the only thing I could think of was laying on my bed and hopefully, catching an hour or two of sleep, although that luck wasn't on my side these days.
At three A.M, I sauntered to my room and set an alarm for seven. Pulling off my robe, I sunk into the bed. A part of me prayed for Nathan to be gone by morning, but another part-the honest part wanted to find him there and talk about what was bothering him. If only my heart would stop betraying me.
****
I woke up with a start, thanks to the annoying alarm tone that was coming from underneath the pillow. Cursing time and whatever wizardry that made it run so fast when I'd finally managed to find little sleep, I reached under the pillow and shut it down.
My flight was for ten A.M but Tanya and Jameel were going to be here by eight, that would give Tanya enough time to work her magic with Everest and still give Jameel ample time to beat the morning traffic.
I sat up on the bed, pushing the duvet off me and placing both hands behind me for support. The last time I'd gotten four hours of sleep, I'd spent the night at Nathan's and dozed off in the bath tub.
I yawned as my eyes fully opened, the view of Nathan staring at me from the doorway welcomed me.
Oh God. He was still here? Three hours to his wedding...he was still here.
I reached for my robe and draped it over the satin lingerie. "You should really stop doing that."
He smirked. "Why? The view is great."
"It's lovely to see you're feeling better," I replied, emphasising the sarcasm in my voice with an eye roll before getting off the bed.
He chuckled, attempting to put on his signature corky smile but he failed as I still saw the sadness lurking behind his eyes.
He walked in and sat at the foot of the bed. "Are you going somewhere?" He threw a glance at the packed suitcases by the corner of the room.
"No. Just rearranging," I began to fold the duvet, a tedious effort to avoid meeting his intense gaze or answering any more questions.
"Rearranging? With the closet completely empty and name tags on your luggage?"
"Yes." I let go of the duvet and turned to him with hands clutching my hips. "Don't you have a wedding to attend? The last thing you want is to keep a woman waiting on the altar."
He exhaled and clasped his hands, then bent forward to support his elbows with his knees. "Nine months ago I'd have thought today was going to be a normal Saturday." A brief smile broke at the corner of his lips. "How can you your life be ending in months and you don't get to see it coming. Not cool."
I scoffed inwardly. Was he seriously trying to play the victim card? "Your life isn't ending, you're just getting married. A decision you made in your right senses."
"It's not just about the wedding. So much has changed in such a short time," he said, sweeping his large palms across his face. "I don't even know who I am any more." His breath quavered and his eyes turned misty. "Everything I stood for...everything I thought I wanted...none of that makes sense any more." He let out a bitter laugh and turned his head to me. "Don't believe what they say about clarity; it isn't so peaceful after all." He smiled again.
His eyes were like an open door to the internal struggle he was having, the more I looked into them, the more I wanted to go in. "You were a total mess last night," I said, hoping he'd talk about why he showed up last night looking like a homeless man.
Instead he stood, two long strides was all it took for his overpowering figure to tower over me. "I don't deserve you," he let out a string of short broken laughs, "I never did. And even after I'd forced you into my world, you never really belonged in it. You were too good for it. I wanted you from the first day, I thought...maybe loving you would make me feel more human, alive, and real. But in the end, I'm just my father in a younger body. This life of romance was never made for me. I'm sorry I dragged you into it. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."
A weak breath escaped me. I swallowed as I watched his Adam's apple bobble and eyes grow darker. Was this the official breakup and apology I never got? It just hurt to hear him say he didn't deserve me? Why did I want him to believe he did?
I should have never let him in yesterday, now the weight of reality was crashing down on me and it didn't matter that he was only half a feet away. This was the end of us, an official goodbye. And all the pain I'd felt for three months felt like a joke compared to the torment ripping through my soul. I wanted to clutch my chest, stop my heart from sinking, salvage what was left, but I let it sink anyway, it was going to be of no use to me after this.
"Yeah, it's all good," I managed to say without breaking down.
It's all good
"It's all good," I whispered to myself as he held my head in both palms and placed a soft kiss on my forehead, my eyes closed as his lips lingered for a brief moment. The feel of his lips ended but I didn't dare to open my eyes, by the time I'd gotten enough courage to, he was gone.
****
"Babe, why aren't you dressed yet?" Tanya said as she rushed into the room. "Jameel is already waiting in the car."
More than forty-five minutes after Nathan had left, I was still sitting on the bed, panting and clutching my bump. The tears wouldn't drop. I looked at her and her eyes went soft.
"Babe?" She removed the long strap of the handbag from her shoulders and stooped low. "Are you ok?"
I bobbled my head in response. "Nathan just left."
"Oh, my baby. Come here." She enveloped me in tight hug. "Are you sure you still want to leave?"
Now more than ever. I nodded. "Yes. I'll just clean up and be down shortly," I said, detaching myself from her arms. I glanced from her head to toe in slight amusement. "For God's sake, what are you wearing?" I asked, gesturing to the short black fish net dress she was putting on.
She smiled and jumped to her feet, twirling around in a 'check me out' manner. "Beach wear. I'm taking him to the beach."
"Beach wear? Looks like a fishing net." I examined the dress again.
"Fishing net for catching a very big fish!" She winked.
My God. I face palmed. This distraction act was already destined to fail from the start. Everest wasn't going to take her serious dressed like this. "You better not screw this up, Bunny," I said, sending her a warning glare and sauntering to the bathroom.
"You underestimate me Enitan Alaide, you underestimate me," she called from behind me.
Alexa play me "broken record" by Enechelsea. I know, I know, I'm tired of the excuses too. I've had this chapter and the others saved (as first drafts) for almost three weeks now, the plan was to update on my birthday then edit whenever I had time, but mehn! I read the chapters again and I couldn't help but cringe at the many rubbish I encountered. Ah! So I had to do fleshing out and grafting and word replacements and change of scenes and.. just restructure everything. But I didn't have time for that immediately because I got a new job few days to my birthday and had to deal with moving to a different state and fitting in at a new job and then, a breakup, so please go easy on me. Right now I'm just trying to be on my toes at work, it's covid era, people are loosing their jobs left, right and centre without doing anything wrong, I'm lucky I even got hired, sooo I'm going to be giving my work all the attention for now. That being said, I'll edit the remaing chapters and post gradually. I already have the completed draft and it just needs a bit editing. Thanks for sticking with me.