It's starting to get colder.
I stare at the message, wondering what the hell he expects me to reply to that. Isn't it particularly un-Finnish, in fact, to be engaging in small talk, much less over text? It's what he's always told me, at least.
"Is it him again?" Zuzi laughs. She's giving me a pointed look from under sharply arched eyebrows. "Are you going to reply?"
I slide my phone across to her, so that she can read the notification bubble for herself. "What's there to reply?" I shrug, after she bursts out laughing.
Priscilla, presumably having caught sight of the screen as I was sliding it over, leans back in her seat. "He's been texting a lot since you went back to get your stuff from him," she comments. If I didn't know her too well, I would think that's a smirk at the corner of her mouth.
"Well," I say, shrugging again. "Yeah."
"Almost every day, I would say," Zuzi adds, with a wicked glint in her eye. She leans forward, as if it will bring her closer to what she seems to think is a show worth watching.
It is every day, but I don't say that. It will just give her more ammunition. I can already see what she and Priscilla are getting at.
But it's not what they think. If he had really wanted me to stay, he would have said so last Saturday.
I think it's in Aksel's blood to be nice. He was nice to Aliisa too, even when she was being rude to me. And now, even though he probably still thinks I should have gone back to Hamburg, he feels like can't leave me alone to fend for myself.
A part of me is grateful. And the rest of me is as indignant as I have been since I've arrived in Finland.
"Seems to me that someone is missing you," Priscilla says. "Maybe even regretting how things have turned out..."
I roll my eyes at her. "It's not true and you know it." I shrug, trying to look casual. "He's just being nice."
I would love to believe in her version of events, but I know well enough – if I let myself expect something more, my own wishful hopes have the power to rip my heart to shreds when reality finally hits.
Again.
"No guy tries this hard over text unless he's interested in something more," Zuzi says, infusing her words with an air of wisdom. Except that, in this case, she is wrong.
I shake my head. "No," I say, "it's different with Aksel." His name comes out sounding odd to me now. It stumbles off my tongue and lands with a splat – a far cry from the way it used to roll smoothly off my lips. "He feels responsible for bringing me here. That's why he's keeping in touch now. He's a nice guy, so he wants to help if he can."
I see the look that Zuzi and Priscilla exchange.
"It's true!" I insist, wondering how to explain it in a way that they can understand. They don't know Aksel. He's always looked out for me, even before anything happened between us. It has always been who he is. It doesn't mean anything.
He was the one who wanted the break up. Towards the end, he had made it very clear.
Priscilla finally raises both hands in a universal gesture of surrender. "Okay, okay," she says, "whatever you say, Emi. You know him best."
Zuzi snorts, but doesn't refute her.
Grateful that they're dropping the topic, I place the phone facedown on my table as Elina announces that discussion time is over.
"Shit," Zuzi says, then lowers her voice into a whisper as Elina turns to look sharply at her. "What were we supposed to be discussing, again?"
I stifle my laughter as Priscilla looks down at her neatly written notes. "Honestly? I have no idea."
"Let's hope she doesn't call on us, then," I murmur, looking down at my worksheets to avoid eye contact with Elina, who is casting her glance around the class, searching for her next prey.
"Zuzi!" She exclaims, with something of a look reminiscent of the cat that got the cream. "What did your group come up with? Can you share it with the class?"
Zuzi shoots us a look a horror, then drawls, "We think... that this is a topic that's too personal to discuss. We didn't come to a conclusion."
A few sniggers ripple throughout the class.
"Different ways to learn a language," says Elina slowly, fixing Zuzi with a flat look that reveals that she has been onto us all along, "is a topic that's too personal to discuss?"
I have to bite my lip to hold in my own giggle.
***
"I don't know why only I got in trouble," Zuzi mutters as we are walking out of the classroom. "The two of you didn't do the work either!"
Priscilla only laughs in response.
I don't react; I'm once again looking at my phone. Aksel's text about the weather – the weather, of all things – is still boldly displayed on the lock screen. I haven't unlocked my phone since the whole to-do Zuzi and Priscilla were making about the text in class earlier.
I should reply to his inane message. Except I don't quite know what to say.
Why has he been texting me? Was it something about my visit last Saturday that made him want to stay in contact, when he was all ready to cast me out before?
It is suddenly quiet. I look up from my phone, noting that Zuzi and Priscilla have both stopped talking.
I turn to Zuzi, a question on my lips, when I see her staring at something in the distance. She directs her next words at me, even though her doesn't take her eyes off what has caught her attention. "Emi... I think that guy over there is interested in you."
"He's been staring for a while now," Priscilla agrees.
"Either that or he's a stalker looking for his next victim," Zuzi says.
"Who?" I turn in the direction they're looking in.
"Or... wait." Maybe it's my stoic expression or the utter stillness that has come over me, but Zuzi is starting to come to a realisation.
Why is he here?
Without another word, I break away from the group and march up towards Aksel. He straightens up from the wall he is leaning against to greet me when I stop a few metres away. He opens his mouth, but I don't give him a chance to speak.
"What are you doing here?"
He shrugs, looking a little uncomfortable now. I think he can sense my prickliness even from all that distance away. "I was in the neighbourhood. I took a walk and ended up here."
My look of disbelief speaks louder than what I don't say.
I know where he lives – I've lived there. And I've always had to take a tram to even get to the university. There's no way he took a walk and ended up here at random.
He shrugs again, interpreting my look correctly. "It was a long walk."
I look down at the ground, taking in his Converse-clad feet. He doesn't wear sneakers to work. The shoes mean that he's gone home to change before this. That's a long way to walk right after work. It occurs to me that he might not even have had dinner yet, before I forcibly block the thought out.
It serves him right if he hasn't eaten yet. I hope he goes hungry. Why is he here out of the blue? What is he thinking? Replying to some texts doesn't mean everything is fine between us again.
And the others... I almost turn back, then hold myself still. They are out of my line of sight, but I am sure, from Aksel's occasional glances to a space behind me, that they are avidly watching the unfolding of events.
This run-in feels different from when I saw him again back at his apartment. Then, it was controlled and expected. I had been mentally prepared. His visit today has come out of nowhere.
This is a space that's supposed to be mine. He doesn't belong here. It's bad enough that I have to try to avoid the entire district of Töölö, I don't want the university to remind me of him too. I am just starting to enjoy my time in class, to feel like I belong somewhere in this city. He has no right to intrude now. Not after he tried to chase me out of the country.
"I was thinking," Aksel says, sliding his hands back into his pockets. He's hunched over a little – the curse of the tall. "I've been meaning to text you about it, but... I was wondering..."
He flails into a bout of silence.
I'm still on the defensive. "What?" The word comes out sounding like the rough edges of an uncut stone.
"I was going to say... If you can't find a place to stay, you can always move back in." His words sound grating, like a heavy, unused door that he's leaning his entire weight against to push open.
I stand mute. Did he really have to come all the way here to say this in person?
Aksel's eyes flicker up to mine, then trail away again.
"I have a place now," I say. "I'm staying with my friend." I gesture vaguely to the space somewhere behind me, where I assume Priscilla and the others are still standing. I don't turn around to check.
"Yes, but..." He is being strangely insistent. "That can't be a permanent solution."
"I don't need a permanent solution," I point out. "I'm not staying here forever."
"How long are you staying, then?"
I shrug. "I don't know."
Aksel glances away, then back. "Well... You can still move back, if you need to. I have enough space."
"Why would I? We're not together anymore."
"Friends can live together," he says. "You're staying with a friend now."
"Yes, but you and I are not friends," I say. "You threw me out of your life. That's not what people do if they want to stay friends." Without my permission, the last word cracks my voice.
He starts to shake his head in denial, but the tears gathering in my eyes blur the motion of his movement.
Yes.
Such a common word – made up of three simple letters. Even now, the thought of his one-word text message is enough to make my breath hitch.
"I don't know why you would even suggest that," I snap at him, my tone sharpened by the memory even as my vision goes blurry. "I don't want to see you every day."
He doesn't physically recoil, but there is something about the way he stands that shifts slightly. It looks as if he's curling back into himself.
I blink wildly to clear my sight. "Why did you come?"
I think for a moment that he might come up with another excuse, but he finally says, lowly, "I wanted to see you."
"Do you..." I try not to let the glimmer of hope shine through as I ask this, "Do you want to get back together or something?"
This time, he does recoil at my words.
My heart bleeding, I lash out at him, "Even if you did, I wouldn't want to. You booted me out of your life at a time when I needed you. I wouldn't be with you if you were the last man on Earth."
"That's not what I––" Then he bites back his words. All of a sudden, I see the exhaustion of the previous months settle back onto him. Sprinkled over the layer of fatigue is a tiny spark I recognise as resentment. "It's been hard for me too, you know."
"You? What about me? I'm the one who had to sacrifice everything."
"You never try to understand my side of things," he shoots at me. From the raised tone of his voice, his anger is getting the better of him as well. "Not once did you try to understand how hard it was for me, too."
I laugh – a brittle, ringing laugh. "Are you being fucking serious right now?"
"I just want to talk." He's glaring at me as if it's all my fault.
I had wanted to talk a few weeks ago.
Yes, he had typed.
"Well, maybe it's too late now."
"Emilie..." He steps forward, and I stumble back. He stops. "Look. I thought you would go back to Hamburg. I didn't think..."
"Whether or not I stay is my own business."
"I think we need to talk."
"Leave me alone!" The tears come crowding out again. I blink them furiously away. "I don't want to talk anymore. You left me a plane ticket and chased me out of your life. I left. What else do you want?"
"I didn't chase you out of my life," he says, but his voice has dropped to a mumble. He knows what he did.
I ignore his denial. "You did. So just imagine that I went back to Hamburg. It's none of your business what I do now. Just let me live my life, damn it."
The silence after I stop is so loud, I can almost hear him breathing jerkily.
"Yeah," he says, looking down on the ground. There is a fixed smile on his lips – a smile of grim resignation. "Okay. I get it." He takes a few steps back, then jerks to an abrupt stop. "Sorry for coming here. I won't bother you anymore."
I watch as he turns and walks away. I keep staring, even after he has vanished beyond the gates of the compound.
"Did you really have to tell him off like that?" Zuzi asks. Even she sounds subdued. I turn and see the group of them scattered at various distances behind her. Frederik is resolutely looking at his phone and not at me. Ludo, the most laidback of them all, simply raises an eyebrow when he meets my gaze.
It is Priscilla who comes closer and sees that I am about to cry, properly this time. She throws her arms around me and gives me a hard squeeze. "It's okay," she whispers in my ear. Her blonde hair tickles the side of my cheek. My breath hitches. My eyes fill.
"It's okay," Priscilla whispers again, as I crumple into her sturdy hug and begin to sob.