Dear Diary,
Ellie has started to give me an allowance, so this morning I stopped at Smoothie King before I went to school. I also got Winona and Simone smoothies as well which they really appreciated. How could I tell? Well, when I gave them their smoothies, they tackled me with hugs.
I.. also got Zander a smoothie too. It may seem weird, but we're actually good friends now. The day that Ellie and Liam surprised me with my car, Zander stuffed his number in my hand while I was crying practically in front of the whole school. We started texting, and now we're great friends.
I feel as if I can be happy, now. I mean, I can actually feel my happiness and try to enjoy it without feeling guilty. I think Rox would've wanted me to be happy and live my life.
I can't lie though. The grief is at an all time high. It comes and goes at random times. I miss her, and I miss my dad. My mom? I don't really care that she committed suicide in jail and I feel bad that I don't feel bad.
I remember everything about my dad. He was the best father to Roxy and I, despite the fact that my mom was a strung out addict. He always tried to shield her from us but he couldn't always do that.
According to Roxy, our carrier wasn't always like this, but I wasn't around to see her original personality. I once snuck and read Roxy's diary when I was little. In the diary, Roxy wrote that our egg donor turned to drugs because she was shunned from her family for marrying a black man. I didn't understand this at the time, but now I do.
That doesn't excuse her actions though. I feel like even if she was shunned, she still had us, right? Why weren't we enough?
She would show up to our schools, our house, and even restaurants we would be at. I always thought that she wanted to get to know Roxy and I, but that was never the case. Once, I overheard a conversation between them and all she wanted was money for crack. That conversation broke my heart and made me hate my biological mother.
She once kidnapped me when I was 4 and held me for ransom until my father gave her money for drugs. I don't remember these events, and I don't wish to. I was only told about it. I can only imagine the repressed memories I have from that.
The night that our dad died, our mOtHeR broke into our house. She was alone, but she had a certain look in her eye that she never had before.
When I saw her stab my dad over and over again, that hate for her intensified. I wanted to jump out and tackle her but I was afraid.
So afraid.
That type of fear had never graced my life until that moment. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worse enemy.
Instead of helping my beloved father, I ran and called the police.
I will always regret that.
I didn't intend to delve into my feelings about my dead family today, but here we are. I don't think I'll ever recieve closure for their deaths and that's the thing that bothers me the most.
Why did my biological mom kill my dad? Why did he have to die? Why didn't the system protect Roxy and I? Was my egg donor remorseful for killing my dad? Or did she just want to escape prison? Why did Roxy have to die? Why did they leave me?
I think I better go now. I don't want the pages to get wet.
Blinking back my tears, I close my journal and look around the classroom. When I'm positive that no one is paying attention to me, I put my journal back into my bookbag. Then I put my head down and close my eyes.
I didn't intend to write in my journal in the middle of a school day, but today we have a substitute. She let us do whatever we wanted, and I just wanted to write about my morning. I'm not sure how it turned into something else.
I feel so raw and exposed, sitting here. Like everyone can see straight through me and see my pain. It's unnerving.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts when there's a knock on the door. Zander walks in which really grabs my attention.
"Miss? Principal Tule needs to see Daria Rogue."
Fear and confusion jolts through me. Why does the principal need me? What did I do?
As I stand up, the substitute tells me to take my things in case I don't come back. That just makes me more nervous.
I follow Zander out of the room and down the hall. "Hey, do you know why the principal wants to see me?"
Zander stops and grins. His pale green eyes shine with mischief. "Actually, the principal doesn't need to see you at all."
I feel relieved, but still confused. "What?"
He starts walking again and I follow him. I start to get irritated when he makes no attempt to answer my question until I realize where we're going.
These past weeks, Zander and I would always finish our biology assignments early, so our teacher would send us on errands. One day, we came across an abandoned little courtyard on the side of the building. Ever since then, we go there to hangout. It's our own little spot.
We get there pretty quickly and we set our things down and have a seat in the chairs that are out here. After we get comfortable, I smile big at him.
"Zan, how did you know that I needed to get out of there?"
"Well, I was walking by and I noticed that you looked really upset. When I saw you put your head down, I knew that you just needed to relax and come here. Sorry if I freaked you out with the whole principle thing."
"I'm not gonna lie, I was freaked out, but I really appreciate you doing this."
He smiles back at me, showing a little dimple. "No prob Bob."
I giggle, shaking my head. "Dude, you are so corny."
"What can I say? I like corn."
I'm full on laughing now. "I can't with you."
When we calm down, Zander gives me a serious look. "You know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to, right?"
"Yeah, I know Zan."
He pushes his glasses up and leans back into the chair. "It's just that, I know you have Simulation and Winnie, but you got me too."
"Wait a minute, did you say Simulation? Boy, don't play Simone like that!" I can't help but laugh again.
He shrugs. "She called me the off brand Chance the Rapper, so I call her Simulation."
At this point I'm laughing so hard that my eyes are beginning to water. "I didn't even know you guys talked like that! Oh my god."
"We don't, but the other day when you and Winnie went to the nurse during lunch, we got bored and started roasting each other."
"No wonder you guys looked irritated when we got back. I can't with you guys!" I'm laughing my ass off right now, but I'm secretly happy that Zander is coming out of his shell. I didn't know he had it in him to raise his voice, let alone roast somebody.
We joke and hang out for the remainder of the period before the bell rings. I think about skipping my next class, but I find myself actually wanting to go.
So we leave our little oasis, and join the rest of the students walking the halls. Zander and I walk together until Winona and Simone come out of nowhere and walk with us.
"Where are you guys coming from?" Simone asks me with a smirk on her face.
I shrug. "Running errands, ya know the usual."
Winona winks and elbows me. "Sure if 'errands' is code for something else."
I playfully shove her, and Zander slightly blushes. "You guys are pure fools, I tell you!" We all crack up and say our goodbyes as we go our separate ways to class.
Just as I'm about to walk into class, my phone vibrates. I look down at it to see a weird text from Ellie.
ᴍᴀᴍᴀ ʙᴇᴀʀ🥰💕
ᴡᴏɴᴛ ʙᴇ ʜᴏᴍᴇ ᴛᴏɴɪɢʜᴛ, ᴏʀᴅᴇʀ ᴘɪᴢᴢᴀ
I frown at the text. Ellie's never left me alone before, and I don't think I'd feel comfortable being by myself. I know one of the girls won't mind if I crash in one if their dorms.
ᴀᴜɴᴛɪᴇᴅᴀʀ💓
ᴄᴀɴ ɪ sᴛᴀʏ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ sɪᴍᴏɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡɪɴᴏɴᴀ ɪɴsᴛᴇᴀᴅ?
She replies back in minutes.
ᴍᴀᴍᴀ ʙᴇᴀʀ💕🥰
ʏᴇs
It all seems strange to me, but I guess Ellie is just trying to give me more freedom.
Without giving it another thought, I go to class.
"Okay, it was good to talk to you and the boys too."
"You better call us regularly, El!"
I laugh at Josie's comment, but I promise that I will. After we hang up, I sigh and bang my head against the steering wheel.
I ended up chickening out.
I called Jo with the full intention of telling her everything. From the twins to Liam kissing me. When she answered the phone, I completely froze up and couldn't bring myself to tell her any of that. So instead we had a casual conversation and I talked to my god sons. That completely consisted of baby talk, but I still loved it.
Zayn was out with Louis and Niall was out running errands, or else Jo said she would've put them all on the phone.
Catching up with her felt good, but I am happy that I moved to Canada. I know that if I had stayed, I wouldn't have made progress in healing. Or made progress at all.
I'm still sitting in the parking lot of my doctor's office, so I decide to go home.
On the way, I try to call Liam but he doesn't pick up. I know he's meeting with someone, but I just need to talk to him. I need everything to go back to normal.
Back at the house, I was hoping that Liam's car would be in the driveway, but it's not.
Feeling suddenly sad and angry, I go inside and storm up to his room.
I don't know what I'm going to do, I just need to direct this frustration somewhere. Might as well yell in Liam's room since he started this.
As I open the door, I know before I see. The room is empty. All of his things and bags are gone. All that remains is a note on the bed.
I'm getting really tired of him leaving notes. Isn't that what phones are for?
E,
ɪ'ᴍ sᴏʀʀʏ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀᴘᴘᴇɴᴇᴅ, ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ɢᴏ. ɢᴏᴏᴅʙʏᴇ.
-L
I rip the insensitive note into shreds as a few tears drip onto my cheeks.
How could he leave me, just like that? Over a dumb kiss that didn't mean anything. It didn't mean anything!
At least for me it didn't. For Liam? I really hope not.
I was going to talk to him about getting back to work, yes, but he would've left on good terms. Instead, things are awkward and unresolved. I'm left feeling lonelier than I was before Liam came.
Sitting on his bed, I take out my phone and dial one of my best friends without even thinking about it.
"Hello?"
"Hi Niall."
A pause. Then, "Ellie?"
"Yes. Niall?"
"Uh, yes Ellie?"
Before I can hold myself back, I start sobbing into the phone.
"I'm s-sorry that I haven't called! I just- I'm sorry!"
"Hey, hey, it's okay El, I promise. We still love you, I still love you. No need to cry, love, it's okay."
Hearing him say "love" in that dammed british accent reminds me of Harry and I cry harder. At this point, I'm not thinking rationally, I just need to get everything off my chest.
"Niall, I'm pregnant! I just found out today that I'm having twins and Liam fucking kissed me then left! Like literally hopped on a damn plane and left me all alone! The father of my babies is dead and I'm hungry all the time! Niall, I just-" Choking on my own sobs cut off my spewing and I just continue to cry on the phone.
Niall suddenly hangs up which shocks me into crying harder. But not even 5 seconds later, he facetimes me. I calm down some and answer, not even caring how I look.
"Oh El, try to calm down babes. Take 3 deep breaths, okay?" I nod and look into Niall's clear blue eyes as I do what he says.
The tears stop, but my eyes feel red and puffy and I know that my face is flushed.
"How are you feeling now?" I give Niall a thumbs up to his question and he smiles.
When his smile fades, I can't help but to laugh.
"What?"
"I'm sorry Niall, but you have such a resting bitch face! It's great."
He purposely frowns before laughing with me. When we calm down, he really looks at me.
"El, are we happy about the babies or not? Whatever you feel is what I'll feel." I bite my lip. "I wasn't sure at first, but now I know that I'm definitely happy about my babies and I love them."
Niall grins. "Well then, I love them too. You got a belly yet?"
I nod and show him my pudge.
"Woah, look at that! Wait, didn't Alverich tell you that you couldn't have kids?"
I put the phone back to my face. "I know right? I thought I couldn't either but my doctor told me that I did have a chance of carrying these babies. It's just considered a high risk pregnancy, so I have to be careful."
"I know you can do it Ellie! You are going to be an awesome mom and Harry is going to be so happy!"
My face screws up as I realize what he said. "What?"
His cheeks turn bright red. "I just meant that Harry would be happy up in Heaven! I just don't like to refer to him in the past tense. Weird, right?"
I smile softly. "No it's not weird. And I think he'd be happy too." I have to keep reminding myself that Harry didn't just belong to me. He had friends, family, and a life of his own. I'm not the only one that misses him and I need to be sensitive to that.
Suddenly Niall's face scrunches up and he looks pissed.
"Niall, what's wrong?"
"I just remembered that you said that Liam kissed you. What the fuck?"
I sigh, the sadness from not to long ago creeping back up on me. "We had just found out about the twins when he kissed me. He said that he was just caught up in the moment, but I don't think I believe that."
"I definitely don't believe that! I mean, why the flying fuck would he leave if it didn't mean anything? Chile, Liam is sus af!"
I stare at him crazily then burst into a fit of giggles. "Have you been talking to Daria? Oh my god!"
"What'd I say?" Niall asks me, but he clearly knows what he's doing.
We laugh together and joke around for the next hour, not bringing up Liam again. It's clear though that Niall is not happy about what happened.
As we're ending our call, I make Niall promise not to tell anyone about the babies. He doesn't hesitate to promise, telling me that I'm his bestest friend and he would keep my secret.
When I get off the phone, I smile to myself feeling happy and better. I decide to go out, not wanting to stay in the house and mope.
I quickly change into a pink strappy sundress with clear yellow flats.
I think about texting Daria because I'm not sure how long I'm going to be out, but it's only 1 o'clock. I'll text her if I'm not back by 2.
I leave, grabbing an applesauce pouch on the way out, instantly tearing into it.
In the car, I'm a bit stumped because I'm not sure where I'm going. After a few moments of finishing off my applause, I throw the empty pouch in the floor and decide to just wing it.
Driving randomly is a bit risky, but I just want to explore. Plus if I get lost, Google Maps can easily tell me how to get back.
It's a warmer day, so I roll down all my windows and blast the radio. Hearing my song, I squeal and turn up the volume. (bri interlude: I WISH they would play this on the radio 😤)
"Moo x8
Moo x8
Yuh
Bitch ima cow
Bitch ima cow
I'm not a cat
I don't say meow
Bitch ima cow
Bitch ima cow
Bitch ima cow
Bitch ima cow, I go
MOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOO
yuh
I say bitch I'm too smoooooth
I'm not in the mooooood
Tryna make mooooooves
Tryna make moooooooves..."
I scream the silly lyrics at the top of my lungs, enjoying the hell outta myself. When the song is over, I'm at a stop light. I look over to see two elderly people in the car next to me, looking at me and shaking their heads.
Instead of feeling embarrassed, I can't help but to laugh in their face and sing along to the next song that's playing.
I've been through too much shit to worry about some old ass people judging me.
When the light turns green, I peel off, cutting front of them. I notice a shopping center is coming up, so I decide to check it out.
I literally just ate a couple of hours ago, but the sight of Popeye's makes my stomach growl.
I'll just shop after I eat.
Happy that there's no line, I easily order my food in the drive-thru.
"I would like a four piece chicken, spicy and dark meat. For sides, I would like two fries, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Can I also get a large strawberry lemonade? Thank you."
The guy tells me my total and I pull around to the window. I pay and ask for buffalo sauce as I wait for my food. The guy hands me two buffalo sauces which makes me roll my eyes.
What am I supposed to do with two tiny ass sauces? I swear, fast food restaurants are stingy as hell with that.
I ask for more, and he catches an attitude, but gives it to me nonetheless.
I'm glad I didn't have to pull out my gun.
Soon after that, I get my food and park far away, wanting to eat in peace. I feel weird eating in silence, so I turn on the radio and let Post Malone's voice flow through the car.
I thoroughly enjoy my lunch, moaning and groaning over how delicious it is. Eating something that you've been craving is the best feeling in the world.
When I'm finished, I throw away my trash and drive over to Target. It feels like I haven't been to a store for a long time, so I'm excited.
Walking in, I decide to get a cart because I have a feeling that I'm going to be getting a lot of things.
Before I know it, I'm standing in the middle of the baby section. I grab, cute bottles with little panda's on them, two cases of newborn diapers, and a bunch of cute little hats that are on sale.
I'm still browsing when I spot the most adorable outfits I've ever seen.
I grab a lot of the same matching onesie because I know that the babies will definitely spill something on the white color.
I grab a lot more outfits that I like, but I make sure that they're gender neutral since I don't know yet.
By the time I'm done, my basket is filled to the very top. I want to shop some more, so I'll just pay for what I have, load my car, and come back inside.
As I'm walking towards self checkout, I notice a guy from my peripheral vision. I don't wanna make eye contact, but I do make note of what he's wearing.
Black slacks, alligator shoes, and a black suit jacket.
It may seem weird, but this is not the first time that I've seen this guy behind me in the store. I don't get nervous, I just make sure that my gun is still in my purse.
I quickly scan all of my items and pay using Harry's money. Surprisingly, I don't feel guilty about it because it's for the kids.
I'm walking out the door when someone calls after me.
"Excuse me, miss?" The Italian accent is sharp in the air. I turn around and look down at the guy's feet.
Alligator shoes.
I look up at his face. He wears an easy smile, and his black eyes look kind. But I know better.
"Yes?"
He moves a little bit closer to me, which makes me want to step back, but I hold my ground.
"Do you need any help with all of those heavy things?"
I glance at the full basket before looking back at him. "No, I'm okay. My husband is waiting in the car." Not giving him a chance to say anything else, I turn on my heel and leave the store.
As I'm walking, I curse myself for parking so far away. I thought the walk would be good for me, but now it feels stupid and unsafe.
I'm shocked with the sudden realization that someone shot up my wedding for a reason.
And they could still be after me.
Shit. Why didn't I ever think of this before?
My heart starts beating faster and I feel panicky. A tiny bit of relief flows when I reach my car, but it vanishes in an instant.
I'm blindsided by someone grabbing me into a chokehold. I drop my keys and purse in surprise as they slightly choke me.
"Husband, huh?" That Italian accent is the last thing I hear before I'm struck across the face and everything becomes dark.
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It's been a while 😳
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