(Original)
Du schreibst Hilfe, mit deinem Blut/ Obwohl es immer wieder wehtut/ Du machts die Augen auf, und alles bleibt gleich/ Ich will nicht störn, und ich will auch nicht zu lange bleiben/ Ich bin nur hier um dir, zu sagen/ Ich bin da, wenn du willst/ Schau dich um, dann siehst du mich
(English)
You write help with your own blood/ 'Cause hope is all you've got/ You open up you eyes/ But nothings changed/ I don't want to cause you trouble/ Don't wanna stay too long/ I just came here to say to you/ Turn around, I am here/ If you want it's me you'll see- Tokio Hotel- An Deiner Seite (Ich Bin Da)
Ch 20
February 4, 2011
A cloud drifted over the sun, distancing the shadows of the room with diminishing rays. A draft seeped through the nearby window causing a shiver to run my spine. To any other person watching this Columbus sunset, it would've been a beautiful sight. Yet it only reminded me that another day passed. Another day without my mother. Another day of people invading space, waiting for the moment where I break the phase I'd fallen accustom to-rolling through the motions.
The door creaked open.
I felt no urge to turn.
It was periodic, people coming to check upon me, and eventually I learned to ignore the callings to confront the world. For now, I enjoyed the silence.
"Hey Sephora." The voice sounded foreign to my ears. Not like I couldn't place it though. I knew the person-very well for that matter.
I knew he stood behind me waiting for an answer that would never come. "You ok?" he asked. Giving a curt nod, still not bothering to turn to face him, I wish he'd just leave me in peace. "Sephora, it time to face the rain."
"Face what rain? It's more like a hurricane in my head."
"Get out of here and enjoy it."
"Bill, that's what I was doing before all of this. If I could've taken one moment back just to call, to say something, I would. But mum is just..." I swallowed, "Mum is just lying there. I can't just abandon her. I've already done that and I can do nothing to reverse it."
"Look, she'd want you to still live your life. Still enjoy the time you have left."
I turned to face Bill reluctantly. My voice heavy with despondency. "And where did you get that line from? A comforting book? That's such an over used phrase."
"But it's true."
"Bill, you've turned so automatic. What's happened to you?"
"Look at what happened to yourself. Just go home for once. Wash up, get some sleep, eat. You've been here almost a month."
"You've said the same thing every time you've walked in this room. What makes you think it'll be anything different."
"Your mother won't wake anytime soon. Just go home."
"Just like that, get up and leave?" A hiss of anger left my lips. "Just like everyone else in her life? Her family literally disowned her. My father, your father, packed his things and left. There are only two people that stayed in her life and I'm not going to be a coward and leave her."
"No one said you were leaving for good. It'll be a quick trip home and you'll be back in time." With finality in his voice, he finished, "I'll stay with her."
Giving me no other option, I took small steps in the direction of the door, but before leaving I pivoted on my feet. A faint whisper blew across my lips. "I'm so sorry."
----------
A erie feeling whipped against my chest as the back door creaked open from the entrance of the garage. It was obvious the house had been vacated for some time as cold hushed over every memory the house held. The lights flickered on with the hit of a switch before flashing out, permitting darkness to close in from the corners.
I dropped my bag to the ground in a thud just inside the door as my hand ran the wall to find the thermostat. Blasting the heat, I waited. More cold air invaded the house from the unused vents.
Making my way toward the kitchen, I opened the freezer to find a quick cookable meal. I tossed pizza rolls into the microwave, not caring that the expiration date exceeded over a month. The glow and buzz of the appliance kept my mind adrift while I stood with my back against the counter. Heat wafted from the food as I pulled it out. My stomach growled appreciatively while a took a seat on the stool against the buffet bar. As the first bite, my appetite became lacking.
My eyes drifted heavily closed. Neglecting the rest of the meal, I lost all energy to cleanse myself and fell into bed.
Nothing looked different in the shadows. But the sheet remain cold as my body slipped between the sheets. I tugged a quilt around me to secure the heat that lingered in my body before relentless dreams plagued my sleep.
"You deceptive little mongrel!" I screamed. "You said you'd be there. And what do I find out later?! You were f***ing some other b*ch."
The glass of wine he had pour me had already been drown. Not to be polite. No. It had been out of anger. The red liquid revolted in my stomach as it splashed my throat in a dry coating.
"If only you put the d*mn condom on right, we wouldn't be here tonight."
"There was no condom. I did ask," replied the voice. His face was turned in the opposite direction so I couldn't find emotion anywhere in the room except my hatred that grew by the second. "We were drunk, but you did know what you were getting into."
The statement sound so unlike him. U Just a statement. No yelling. No fighting. Nothing. He was just a void in a body of somebody I though I knew.
"Luke Porter!" I howled. My hand clenched around the shaft of the glass. "You god d*mn well knew too what you were getting yourself into. You had a choice. You told me you'd be there. So our relationship was built upon lies. Nothing's true anymore, is it?" Underneath my skin adrenaline rushed, anger swelled, a temper brewed. The glass shattered against the wall with residue of broken glass spilling to the floor. Only a drop of wine shown upon the wall slowly slinking down to the floor of ruined mess.
At that moment he turned. His eyes held a steel wall as he walked forward. The comforting hand I once knew as a stronghold came to caress my face. Though I jerked away. "It's just the alcohol talking, baby," he closed so smoothly. So softly. So welcoming. "Let's go lie down in bed. Just lie there. Nothing more."
"Like that every happens. You like them weak. 'Little weakling come to me I will help you'", I mimicked in his voice. "You want to rape me. Just like last time." My voice wilted. "You don't know the pain of drinking away our baby. I thought there was something special. Those days I skipped school because I was to drunk to care was to get rid of something that you wouldn't care for. It took days Luke." With an intake of air the intenseness of my voice grew. "Days Luke. More than days. Always wishing you'd come back and wrap your arms around me. But you never did. And I got wasted night after night trying to rid my problems. Your problems."
"You need to lie down," he interrupted my monologue.
"No. You don't know how hard it was to stay awake and act normal around people. And when my mum came home, you should've seen the look upon her face." A dry laugh receded from my lips. "She didn't know to the extent of what happened, but she knew something was up. The cash was drained. I couldn't walk strait."
My head hit a pillow at this point. Tears swirled behind my eyes. Automatically my vocal cords twisted. There was no more I could say.
A cold sweat broke on my brow with my waking. Dull pain pressured between my legs. Not that anyone could hear me I let out a scream of hysteria. It felt as if his hands were choked around my neck. I couldn't breathe in the slightest.
Scratching the place where the grip would've been I tried to release the invisible constraint. Air became thin and lacking in my lungs. Urgently my nails grazed through the reddening skin before a rush of wind refilled my lungs.
Running to the bathroom, I splashed a layer or cool water across my face. Yet the stickiness from the disappearing sweat lingered against my clothes.
Stripping the clothes, I had already blasted the water to full heat. It cascaded my back in a burning sensation leaving a trail of cool behind it. I let it cleanse me from the reeking night that lie behind me, hoping to forget the memories that resurfaced. Basking in the water, I allowed the heat to flow into my body now numb from the over-excessive amounts of water.
Time could've mattered less and only did my hand reach to turn the know of water as it began running cold against my skin. Ice cold. But how would I have know the difference? Throughout the whole duration all I felt what a ice fire flowing with my spine.
Wrapping myself in a clean towel, I flicked on the light of my room. Nothing had changed since the months ago when I left. Every book still lined the shelf. All my school papers spilled across the desk. And over all of it grew a thin layer of dust and growing.
With a new pair of pajamas on, I took a seat upon my bed willing myself to stay awake-just for the rest of the night-to welcome the sun of a new day. Yet my wishes weren't granted. I never felt my eyes flutter close though I knew the taunting black cloaked me.
Warm rays touched my skin to awake my dark eyelids. Turning in my covers, I wanted to stay confined in the comforts of my room. Though, I knew what waited ahead in the day without any avoidance.
With my hair in a mess from a night of wetness, I threw it in a bun. Careless. A sweatshirt I slipped on over my oversized t-shirt. I already had my favorite pair of sweatpants on from Case Western. Shuffling down the stairs, I rid my eyes of sleep, swiped my keys from their place on the counter and was off.
----------
I pushed the room door open. A solum expression covered the faces of four people within the room. Not one spoke. Nothing needed to be said. And my presence wasn't even known.
"No. No, no, no!" my voice growing louder with every word. "You said she'd be fine. You said you would watch over her Bill."
"She just stopped breathing," he replied with an airy voice.
"No, she can't be gone. She still has to be here. I was here before. She was alive. She not dead. She's not dead. She's not dead," I chanted.
The bowed heads of Adileigh, Tom and Mrs. DePice looked toward me sorrow drowning their eyes with walls falling to the waves of emotion. "Talk to her," Tom whispered, "her spirit is still out there."
"Mum." I took a step toward the bed. "Mum if you could only answer me," I begged, "If only I could cherish your voice once more. If I wouldn't have taken all those trips and memories for granted." I reached the bed in a few extra strides to grip her deathly cold hand, pale without any pigment left in the skin. "There's so many what ifs, mum. And I wish I just knew all this before. I'm sorry for all the times I dys-" I hiccuped from the tear closing in on my throat. "disobeyed you. For all the times I mocked you instead of thanking you for your wisdoms. Oh mum..." A salty tear created a path down my cheek to reach the corner of my lips, which I wiped away slowly with caution. "Mum there's so much I wish I knew before you left. When everyone had left, you never did. You were there even as I ran. You understood me like no other and cared for me even in the weak moments where you didn't know the whole truth of the matter.
There's so many things I could confess to you to lighten my load or I could burry my secrets with you."
Tears hadn't tumbled my face since the first night. And a new sensation latched to me as tears fell hard.
Arms, a stronghold, encompassed me my head fell soaking the shirt with freshly shed tears.
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•
Gosh!! I'm so sorry. I apparently cannot keep promises. I just felt like this chapter needed to be extremely emotional and moving to the audience. But it came out better than I thought it would.
Sometimes it's good to take a break even if its not because I actually wanted to. Not writing gave me mental breakdowns as I'm not a opened emotional person. I was stressed so much without writing. Since I'm back in the flow of things, I should let you know there are seven more chapters then there's the epilogue. So really not much left.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. A new one is already in the works. And original lyrics will be in this next chapter too :D because I rewrote the outline ending as I didn't like the other. It wasn't plausible enough.
Well off to bed.
Until next time-
Midnightriter