*Selena's POV*
'Let's get you cleaned up.'
Gauze, bandages, and rubbing alcohol. Those were the only things that I could really focus on when Demi came back from my bathroom after leaving me on the floor. I didn't want to focus on Demi; not after my confession. Especially not after she'd blatantly ignored it.
It took me lying on the floor in a time of desperate need and having only Demi to turn to for me to finally admit it, but I did it. I told her that I wanted her the way she wanted me. Yet, she chose to ignore it and just... smile? It wasn't even one of those genuine 'Demi' smiles that would make anyone swoon. It almost looked like me wanting her made her sad. Had I said it at the wrong time?
So, as I sat on the floor upon her return, I dared not to look up. Suddenly, the minuscule fuzz balls in my carpet became of great interest to me. Anything but Demi.
"Shit," I hissed when I felt a sharp sting at my wrist. She'd began applying the rubbing alcohol to the wound and didn't hesitate in pouring the full needed amount all at once. When she saw that I was about to pull away, because ironically I was a sucker when it came to cleaning wounds, she held onto my arm tighter.
The feeling that came with her touch was something I can't believe I could ever ignore. It was like everything about her set me on fire in every way, pardon my use of the cliche term. Was this new, or had the feelings been there the whole time. Was Demi nearly kissing me all it took for me to figure them out?
What about for Demi? We hadn't talked about them, but her feelings were just as confusing as my own. She hadn't given me any signs to lead me to even suspect that she had feelings for me before trying to kiss me. Maybe she was an expert at hiding. She'd spent most of her life hiding away in herself anyway. Though, her mood when we were around Justin should've been enough for me to at least suspect something. Or her being overly okay with the relationship rumors going around about us.
By the time she was finished delicately wrapping my arm, which I couldn't help but admire, I was done with the silence. Of course, there was always silence with Demi, but I was tired if not talking.
'So, are we just gonna ignore e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g that's happened today?' I signed as we scooted towards the edge of my bed, backs against the board. It came off as more forceful than I intended, but I was getting more anxious at the second. I wanted Demi.
'I actually want to talk about what I just saw, but I wanted to wait until you were ready.'
I groaned. Not because I didn't want to talk about what she walked in on- well that was a factor, but if I had to talk to anyone about my struggles, it'd be Demi. I just didn't want to focus on them when we could focus on something happy instead, something like Demi and I.
'Demi, not now.' I brought my fist to my chest and signed, 'Please.'
'Yes now, Selena,' she was signing frantically again. I knew what this meant. Demi didn't get angry often, but she was on a roll today. And when she was angry, she blew. 'If not now, then when? Listen, if this is about earlier...'
She kept signing, but I could barely catch a word from that point on. Her hands were moving so fast that I think she momentarily forgot that I'd only just started signing a few months ago. Not to mention that she didn't even have the decency to spell a few words out.If the situation weren't so serious, I'd actually laugh at how ridiculous it looked.
I brought out my left hand upwards and sharply placed down my right hand at an angle in top of it. We hadn't used it much, but I remembered that was the sign for, 'Stop'.
'You're signing too fast and I can't ...understand... a word you're saying,' I continued to sign when she finally let her hands fall. It was hard to take charge while stumbling over your words and taking forever just to get a sentence to flow.'But before you get any further, earlier today wasn't the only reason that I did what I did.'
She stared at me. She was obviously confused. 'It's not right for me to push you like this. I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me, but just know that I'm here for you,' she signed much slower then. It didn't even seem like she was angry anymore. She just seemed...
'Why are you so sad all if a s-u-d-d-e-n, Dems?'
'Obviously you've cut before, and for other reasons. It's a given that I'm gonna be sad, Selena,' she snapped again. 'You're my best friend and I care about you.'
'I want to tell you, Demi. It's just,' I couldn't find the words to sign. Why couldn't I tell her? Yes, it was probably one of my biggest secrets and something that I'm admittedly ashamed of now, having relapsed, but she would never judge me.
She abruptly stopped me from struggling to find words by bringing her hands to my wrist. She was careful not to touch the bandage, being as caring as always.
'Please look, and don't say anything until I'm finished,' she requested. The look on her face wasn't something I could say no to.
I froze in my spot as she began pulling up the sleeves of her sweatshirt. Her hands were shaking as she pointed to her own wrist. I saw nothing that stood out. What was she showing me?
When she didn't pull her wrist away, I kept looking.
That's when I saw them. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me to wonder why Demi cleaned my scars with such repetition. She did it so quickly and precisely that one would think she'd done it before.
And when I saw the faint lines, I knew it was because she had. Demi was so good at cleaning my scars because she had once had to clean her own.
As shocking as it was, I also understood then why it hurt her so much. When she saw me in that state a little while before, she knew what kind of pain I must have been going through to cause. pain to myself. She knew because she'd been there and the fact that her best friend was still struggling was unbearable. The roles had reversed in such a quick moment.
Just as I was about to speak, she silence me. I don't know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to say something. She spoke instead. 'You don't have to say anything. You don't even have to ask why, because I'm sure you already know. I had a lot to deal with growing up, being deaf, bullying, my body image. S-e-l-f h-a-r-m was what I turned to.'
We hadn't even discussed the sign for self harm. It wasn't something that either of us wanted to speak of, I guess. But she spelled it out with such hesitation that I could tell this was harder for her to speak of than she let on.
'I'm not telling you this to g-u-i-l-t trip you into telling me why you do this. I'm honestly not.I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I'm over a year and a half strong. I need you to know, Selena, that I'm walking p-r-o-o-f that whatever it is that you're going through, it gets better. Please, don't hurt yourself again,' Demi signed.
By this point, I was crying again. No one had ever spoken such words to me with this amount of passion. She wasn't speaking, but the amount of sincerity she was putting into this conversation showed through the movements of her hands. The tears in her eyes.
I couldn't do anything in that moment besides hug her. I hugged her so tight and as she wrapped her arms around my neck, I said the words we'd yet to say to each other.
"I love you so much," I said. She couldn't hear me, but maybe that was what was best. Of course, I meant it in a platonic way. We weren't even dating yet. But those five words would only cause more confusion to our situation.
But I meant it, even if only as a best friend then. I don't think I had ever meant it as much as I did in her arms.
When she pulled away, I spilled. She listened, to my hands of course. But she still paid so much attention to me that all I could do was tell the whole truth.
I told her about how I started cutting in freshman year, but hadn't done it in 6 months before I relapsed. I told her about how I blamed myself for my dad leaving before I could even say goodbye. She tried to protest, saying that if she couldn't blame herself for her dad, then I couldn't blame myself for my own dad leaving. I couldn't stop her, because I knew she was right. It was hypocritical, but it's what I felt. I told her about my mom never being around, most likely because of me. She tried to attest to this as well, but this time I stopped her. She had no idea what it was like to barely have a mom, and I couldn't be mad at her for that.
Then I explained back home to her for the first time. She wasn't as shocked as I thought she would be about the fact that I was part of the same type if people that Jennifer flocked around. Though, she seemed quite surprised when I told her about me occasionally partying to relieve the stress. My mom hated that. Demi said that while she didn't understand because she'd never been to a party, she knew that people had different ways of relieving stress. She was just glad I'd stopped.
'How'd you stop harming?'
'I know it sounds stupid, but this s-i-n-g-e-r helped me. A lot if people don't understand it, but she was there for me through her music. Eventually, with her words of e-n-c-o-u-r-a-g-e-m-e-n-t, I realized I was worth more,' I honestly told her. It was true. When I had time, I fangirled like no tomorrow. That term is very vague though, it doesn't give the dedication and impact idols and fans have on each other enough credit.
She asked me what singer, and I told her. It wasn't a surprise that she hadn't heard of her before. She said she'd give her a feel though. Sounds weird, if you didn't know that that was exactly how she listened to music.
'So tonight... did you relapse because I almost kissed you?' she signed after we sat in a silence for a while, letting each other soak in the new information.
'Partially,' I told her. She looked pained again. 'Because I wanted it. I didn't want to want it.'
'Because of what you said earlier? About your mom, and people at school?'
'Honestly,' we'd been nothing but honest to each other since she walked through my doors. 'Yes. And not to mention, I could've sworn you hated me. I've never been so scared of losing someone. But Demi the point is, I wanted the kiss, I wanted you. I still do.'
Finally, a real smile graced her face. The face eating grin that I couldn't go a day without. She finally reacted to what I'd been waiting for her to react to since I first said it.
'You want me as in... us?'
I couldn't help but laugh at her innocent bliss, and feel happiness because I'd caused it. 'Yes. And I'm willing to give this a try if you are. I'll admit that I'm not ready for everyone to know yet, but I do know that I want you Demi.'
'Selena, this seems too sudden. You're only just v-o-i-c-i-n-g your feelings...'
'No offence, but you're not really one to talk. You just tried to suddenly kiss me a few hours ago, without w-a-r-n-i-n-g,' I signed back. I wasn't angry, just stating facts. 'I may be only just figuring my feelings out, but the way you make me feel can't be new. It's just taken me a n-u-d-g-e to realize it. Demi, we've never just been friends. Not with what we have.'
'You just... You don't know how much I want this to work,' she looked a little panicked as she signed. She was even kind of fanning herself. 'There's just so many complications.'
'Name them.'
Demi looked at me like I was stupid. 'Selena, I'm deaf.'
'And I'm hearing, nice to meet you,' I held out my hand after responding. A small smile tugged at her lips. 'In all seriousness though, this needs to be the last time I say this. If I cared that you're deaf, I would not be here right now, b-e-g-g-i-n-g for you to give me a chance. Don't even m-e-n-t-i-o-n the complications, we'll handle them along the way. I want you, Demi.'
She still looked unsure. I began to think that there were deeper things holding her back than what she was telling me.
'You keep saying that you want me, but I just don't get why would, Selena. O-b-v-i-o-u-s-l-y, I want to be with you. I've known that for a while now, but your feelings just seem new,' she signed. She looked so vulnerable. 'I don't mean to question them, because even the fact that we're having this talk makes me so happy. It's just...How do you know you don't just want an experiment? How do you know you actually want me, in all of the complications that I am?'
I cupped my hands around her face. Smooth. I'd been wanting to do that for a while and I could feel myself getting addicted to just the feel of her.
'Give this a try and let me show you.'
*****
AHDHJDDJ I HAD SOCCER PRACTICE EARLIER TODAY AND MY BODY IS HURTING DHSIS ! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH BC WTF OVER 19K READS WHAT IS THIS?! HONESTLY YOUR FAVS, COMMENTS, AND READS MAKE MY DAY TYSM FOR ENJOYING THIS.
I HOPE YOU ALL LIKED THIS CHAPTER xx I ACTUALLY DO BC DELENA WOW.
ALSO, REMEMBER WHEN WORDS ARE SPELLED OUT, THAT MEANS THAT THEY'RE SIGNING OUT EVERY LETTER SINCE SELENA ISN'T A PRO SIGNER YET.
STAY KEWL AS POP CORN AND STAY STRONG