Blonde locks spilled everywhere as Ender finally removed his helmet. Strands of hair cascaded down his forehead, and into his eyes. Ender desperately wanted to let the hair remain where it fell. It would prevent Bean from seeing his expression clearly. An advantage for Ender, but suspicious all the same.
Ender ran both hands along his scalp, collecting all the fallen tufts and repositioning them on-top of his head. He needed a haircut. Soldiers weren't ideally supposed to have long hair. But they'd taken so much from him already. He wasn't about to let anyone shave his head again. Not for a while at least.
The commander's lunch room was deserted just as Bean said it would be, and Ender made a point of sitting down in one of the first chairs he saw. It wasn't close to the door, but it wasn't too far into the room either. Bean followed suit and took the seat directly across from him.
Ender placed his helmet beside him on the table, the Dragon Army insignia reflecting back at him due to the luminescent lighting of the room. Bean had discarded his own at the barracks, as they'd passed his quarters on their way there. He hadn't changed out of his flash suit though, and the two of them were matching, just as they had during those years Bean had spent fighting with Ender in the last war. The only difference in their attire was the admiral insignia stitched into the breastplate of Ender's suit. It had been a new addition since Ender had arrived back at the BattleSchool. One he personally deemed unnecessary, but it was protocol and he was not going to be the one to break it. Not this time, and not yet anyway.
Ender sat silently. His breathing remained ragged from the overextension of his healing muscles, while his hands clutched his ribs on instinct. Even though he knew they wouldn't help keep them together if they had been re-injured in the battle room, it made the pain less intense, and that was good enough for right now.
Bean eyed his state wearily. "Are you sure I shouldn't just take you to the medical wing? We can talk later if you aren't up for it."
Ender expected Bean to say as much. But the last thing he wanted was for the young man to hover around him as the nurses gave him kuso for going into the battle room, despite having been given direct orders to refrain from any physical activity.
"I am sick of that place." Ender tried to make light of his painful situation. If he downplayed his pain, Bean would go along with it. "And if I go back now, they'll probably hold me against my will for another week. Then you'll never see me again." Bean chuckled slightly. Ender wanted to join in for effect, but knew his attempt would only come out as a cough. It would not be the best thing to do to convince Bean that he was alright.
When Ender remained silent, the younger soldier focused his gaze on Ender's arms, those of which were still locked against his ribcage in a protective hug. Ender knew that he needed to drop them if he wanted Bean to believe him. So he did.
The wave of pain was immediate. Ender's chest began burning, his ribcage felt as if it was on fire, and his eyes began to water. But he couldn't let Bean see his weakness. Not after he'd been limping around the battle school for what felt like forever. If he kept up the injured front for much longer, the soldiers would begin to doubt his capabilities as commander. They needed Ender at full health in order to lead the mission, and even though he was the best war commander in the world, he wouldn't be considered as such if he weren't at full health.
So instead, Ender clasped his hands together and set them on the table in front of him, waiting for Bean to say what he wanted.
"That's where you've been then? I thought you were released a while ago, weren't you?"
Ender contemplated telling Bean the truth. That he had been keeping to himself because of Petra. He wasn't completely stone cold when it came to lying to his soldiers' faces, but telling the truth wouldn't give the I.F. what it needed to succeed. Personal problems always took a back seat, and Bean would understand that in the end.
"Yes, I was. But there were a few complications from my surgery that required me to go under close surveillance by the nurses. To make sure everything was going smoothly. I've been working with Graff through ansible for the last while, and we decided it best if I observe your team from afar for now."
Bean grimaced. "And that plan turned out well."
Ender nodded. "I was impressed with half of your group. The other half could have gotten killed."
"And they could have killed you."
"I am fine. I told you."
"Bull shit." Bean gave Ender a knowing look. "You may be able to convince the rest of the jeesh and the other soldiers that you are, but you'd never be able to convince me or Petra. Look at you, Ender. You're hurt. It doesn't matter how much you try to hide it, you are."
Ender rose an eyebrow at Bean. He wasn't going to admit it, but Bean was of course right.
"I would drag you to the medical wing myself if I thought that would do you any good. But I know you won't go." His gaze intensified as he analyzed Ender from head to toe. He switched tactics. "Petra wouldn't want you to run yourself ragged. If you keep this up, there'll be nothing left of you for her to reprimand once she wakes up."
At the mention of Petra, not once, but twice, Ender felt himself tense. The pain in his ribs subsided, making way for an even deeper pain. A pain that was too excruciating that it felt as if it would suffocate him. Because Petra wouldn't wake up. She wouldn't be able to give him hell for what he was doing, and she certainly wouldn't be there to see any of it.
"Ender?"
"Okay." His voice felt foreign in his own ears. Hollow. Like right after he'd lost her. "I'll go to the medical wing after we're done. You're right. I'm hurt." He tried to keep his voice as even as possible, devoid of emotion. He hadn't planned on revealing more weakness, but it was what he had to do. If he didn't, he would have been forced to talk about Petra as if she were still alive. And he knew that he wouldn't be able to pull that off. For once, he was happy that the conversation was about him and his own health. He hated talking about his own problems, but the idea that he was opening up would surely suck Bean in. Especially since he rarely did.
"So you actually admit it." Bean smirked. "Good. I'll escort you down there after we're done."
Ender tried to interrupt him to prevent that from happening. Bean cut him off. "No. Let me do this. You saved my launchies today. I should have been the one who noticed. Your pain is on me, so I need to make sure it gets fixed."
Ender nodded. "Okay." Then he switched the conversation to suit his own interests. "You aren't mad that I infiltrated your team? That I showed you up in front of them?"
Bean laughed. "I am not petty. If you hadn't interfered I'd probably be in the medical wing right now with an injured launchy on my hands." He didn't need to mention how they could have ended up dead. They both knew that that had also been a possibility.
"Good." Ender responded.
"Why didn't you tell me you were watching?" Bean asked.
"Graff and I thought it best for the launchies. Less pressure for them to perform at their best. I want to see them in their natural environment. Not while they are trying to kiss my ass."
"Okay. I get that. But why didn't you tell me that you were watching?"
"You would have acted different too. You know that." Ender lied again. He knew Bean would've performed the same either way. If he changed every time Ender was around, he wouldn't have been in Dragon Army to begin with.
"I would not have." He countered just as Ender expected him to. "You know that."
"It was Graff's call."
Bean dropped the subject.
"And now?" He was curious. Ender had relayed his battle plans to the jeesh and all the important players. There was a lot to do, and Bean did have the right to know what was going on.
"You continue to train your launchies. Just like the rest of the jeesh, you keep at them until they are ready."
"For the war?" Bean rose his eyebrow this time.
"For me." Ender let a slight smile break through his serious demeanour. "I will continue to observe. Without interference if I can help it, so I know what each soldier needs to learn. When I am not doing that, I'll be making plans with Graff and my brother. When the time comes, give me your soldiers, and I'll turn them into an army."
"And what will the jeesh be doing while you're doing that?"
Mourning. The answer was vocalized in Ender's mind, but instead of that he said, "You'll work with me. The others will be preparing the aircrafts and making sure everything is set for takeoff."
Bean nodded. "Does that mean we'll be seeing a lot of each other then?"
"No." His answer was blunt. But Ender knew that Bean appreciated that about his commander. "I'll be operating separately from the rest of you for now. It'll give me more time to recover, and less time around prying eyes."
"I understand." The younger soldier said. "Can I pass this information along to the other members of your jeesh, commander?"
Ender shook his head. "I trust you'll keep this between us. They'll be notified when the time is right. The last thing we need right now are loose lips. The launchies will think I am being too secretive and won't perform at their best if their commanders let it slip. I'd like complete silence."
"As you wish." Bean stood up to signify that was the end of the conversation, and walked over to Ender. "Now, let me help you get to the medical wing."
* * * * * * * * *
Three Weeks Later
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
The rhythmic and annoying tap of a pen echoed throughout the secret battle room viewing room. Ender's left hand repeatedly bounced the pen back and forth between his fingers as he observed Dink Meeker's group of launchies. They were maneuvering through a field of stars Dink had placed at strategically hard angles. Angles that Ender had calculated himself, which made it difficult for the launchies to travel anywhere fast.
Ender had explained it to Valentine as soon as they lights had turned on. The stars were positioned, dozens of them, so that the only way the launchies would get through was together. Not one soldier could break away from the others. If they did, none of them would make it. And so far, for the last two hours that is, things were going smoothly.
"I get that you're concentrating, but would you mind stopping with the pen. I'm trying to grade these submissions for my classes, and it's not helping."
Valentine didn't look up from the ansible she was using, and Ender didn't say anything in response. but the tapping stopped, and they both resumed what they had been doing.
The past few weeks had been hard. For Valentine herself, yes. She had had to get accustomed to teaching her previously given away classes as well as a few new ones. The added work had been exhausting, but she was happy that she had been able to help the I.F. with something. She would teach the new recruits the science behind the battles, and Graff and Ender and the others were busy teaching them everything else.
But that wasn't the only reason the past weeks had been difficult. Ender, after he had been released from the medical wing again, his ribs having been re-cracked from his time in the battle room, had once again reached out to Valentine.
Valentine wasn't sure if it had been the drugs, the nurses had prescribed him more pain medication, or the grief, that had drawn him to her, but she wasn't about to turn him away. She was afraid that he would close himself off from her after the medication wore off. That he would blame his sadness on the medicine. She had expected him to, but he hadn't. Instead, he'd cried, cried out of grief, out of pain, out of individual suffering and out of fear for what was going to come next. And it was then that she had promised she would be there for him. Be there since she hadn't been there for the majority of his life. Even though she had once promised him the same thing years ago before Ender had been taken to battle school, she knew she could keep her promise this time. They weren't kids anymore, and she could control where she ended up. She would follow Ender to a desolate planet if that's what it took to keep her promise. Because he deserved to have someone to lean on for once. Now more than ever, and she was happy to be that person. To be there for him. Even if her efforts were just a little late.
"They did it." Ender stood up from his hair and stretched lightly.
That made Valentine look up from her screen. It was true. All fifteen launchies under Dink's command were now standing inside the other gate. They had managed to exit the battle room.
"Is that the last one?" She asked, placing the ansible on her lap.
"It is." Ender smiled. "They're all ready."
Valentine smiled back at him. For the past week, Ender had scheduled each army to undergo the same test. A maze that Ender had designed himself, each different in design just in case some of the groups had been in contact with each other, and directed each jeesh member to program them as their group's next training module. And all of them had passed. Every single group of launchies had done it. Some had figured it out faster than others. Dink's group had finished over an hour later than Bean's had, but that was okay. Because they had done it. And that was what Ender had been trying to determine. Not their speed, but their ability to push everything else aside other than the task at hand, and the survival of their team.
Ender's statement caused Valentine to stand up. This was exciting news. Finally, after extensive training and guidance from Ender's jeesh, the launchies would no longer be launchies. They would be soldiers. Soldiers who would fight in the war against the second Warsaw Pact.
"Congratulations, little brother." She instinctively wrapped him into a hug. One that was gentle since he had been and still was considered fragile compared to what he was before the fight with Peter. But he was better now, and to prove it Ender returned the hug, squeezing Valentine against him to show her that just like the launchies, he was ready for the next step too.
"Have you been cleared for the battle room yet?" Valentine asked him once they both stepped away from the hug.
Ender looked determined. An expression that Valentine hadn't seen grace Ender's features for quite some time. Ever since Petra and Mazer had passed, he had been broken. He had tried to hide it, sure. It wouldn't have been Ender if he hadn't, but now...now the loss was there, but there was a purpose behind it. Like there was something he could do to make their deaths count. And he could. He could win the war.
"I was cleared this morning." He grinned. "According to the doctor, I shouldn't be doing any flips or taking part in any of the battles myself. But I can go in. And I can teach."
Valentine smiled. "And me? Is it okay if I join you?"
"Last time you told me that you wouldn't. What changed your mind?"
"I said I'd come in another time." Valentine smiled. "And I think that time has come. Wouldn't you agree?"
Ender hummed in agreement. "I told Bean he would be with me, but I know that won't be the case once he finds out about Petra. My entire team will be down." He looked directly at Valentine, and extended a hand for her to shake. "Okay. Just promise me you'll follow my lead."
* * * * * * * * *
Bean felt his heart drop. His stomach turned, and he wanted to throw up. If he had eaten anything that day he would have. But he hadn't, so he only felt nauseous.
Petra is dead. Those three words echoed around his brain as if they were a mantra. Petra is dead. Petra is dead. Petraaaa is Deeead. Over and over again. At first the words were quiet, but as they got louder, so did the beating of Bean's heart.
He collapsed into a chair that had been vacant nearby, gripping the armrests for dear life, and he fought to keep in the tears that were threatening to spill. He didn't want to cry in front of the entire jeesh. In front of Ender, and Graff and everyone. He needed to stay calm, but he couldn't no matter how hard he tried.
He heard heavy breathing around the room and knew that the others were having a similar reaction to the news. She was one of them. She had become family, and now she was gone. Just because of a silly accident. An accident that had happened during a game. She died because of a game. And she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of it.
"When?" He looked up to see Dink meeker, his eyes full of tears facing Ender as he asked him about the young woman they had all loved.
"A month ago." Ender's voice was devoid of emotion. His demeanour was tense. He was on guard as if readying himself for an attack.
"A month?" Bean wanted to stand up, but didn't trust his legs to work. Instead, he addressed his commander from where he was sitting. His previously unshed tears falling freely down his cheeks. "You've kept this from us for a month?"
Ender nodded. "I know what you're going to say. But I didn't have a choice. The mission can't afford to be delayed. The war doesn't stop because Petra died...I wish it could. But it can't. I needed everyone's minds clear. The launchies needed to be ready. And now that you've done your jobs, you can grieve."
Bean wanted to yell. To scream, and to tell Ender how terrible it was that he kept this secret from all of them. But he knew, despite the pain that he felt right now, and the sadness that kept the tears flowing down his face, that Ender had made the right decision.
Looking around at all the members of Dragon Army, seeing their tears and the hopeless expressions on their faces, he knew that none of them would have been able to continue training their groups. They would have needed to take some time. Time that they still don't have. But time that Ender is willing to give them because he knows that they need it.
"Did you? Grieve." Bean spoke once again. Everyone else had curled into themselves. Still processing the news of Petra's passing. Bean managed to push it to the back of his mind. Temporarily, that is. As soon as Ender gave him the answers he needed he would also let himself go.
"A little. But I can't. Not now." Ender's voice was calm and controlled. Too controlled. This made Bean concerned. "This is how things are going to go." The commander turned his attention to the entire group, and despite the emotional atmosphere, everyone paid him the attention his presence demanded. "This past week, I have tested all of your launch groups with battle room simulations I created. Every single one of them passed the test. So, Colonel Graff and I have arranged for all of you to be relieved of your duties. I will take over your launch groups and continue their training while you have some time for yourselves. I know that this...news is a lot to take in. It was hard for me to comprehend at first too. I didn't want to believe it. But she is gone...and she died fighting for what we will continue to fight for. A free world."
Bean wanted to question his commander but he couldn't. Not in front of the rest of the jeesh. Ender would never forgive him for that, and Bean didn't want to push him. Especially now that he knew that he had been struggling with Petra's loss. A loss that he had been dealing with by himself for a month. No, Bean decided. He was going to let it go.
"All of you. Go now and brief your soldiers on their new situation. Tell them that they will receive a schedule from Admiral Wiggin by the end of the day. And tell them they better not be late, or the Admiral will ice them from the school." Graff's scruffy voice broke out through the room. He had stepped in front of Ender as soon as he had finished talking, and started spouting orders.
His grey hair was longer, he had a significant beard, and it looked as if he had gained more weight since Mazer's funeral. But regardless of his appearance, he was dressed in one of his finest military uniforms. The dark green fabric hugged his frame and served as a canvas that housed the military achievements that hung from his chest. He had a fire in his eyes that told the soldiers that he was convinced that they were going to win this war. And for once, Graff's overly serious and threatening attitude was just what the soldiers needed.
"Dismissed."
* * * * * * * * *
Ender's breath was warm. It came out in soft puffs, bouncing off the glass inside the helmet of his flash suit. It created a wave of warm air that consistently cascaded against his face, keeping his skin saturated despite the naturally dry atmosphere of the battle room.
The glass would never fog up. There wasn't any concerns about that. Because of his natural body heat, the flash suit was often a sweaty mess at the end of training sessions. It happened to everyone and everyone complained. That was how it went.
And as Ender stood, silently behind a gathering of his new soldiers who were oblivious to his presence, that was what they were discussing. Discussing was a very loose word. They were definitely complaining. There was no discussion involved.
"I'm pretty sure your suit is permanently smelly." A short brown-haired girl from Dink's group sneered at a chubby boy with black hair from Fly Molo's group.
"Maybe if you washed it, you wouldn't be harassed as much." Another boy chimed in. Ender couldn't tell who the launchy was. He already had the helmet of his flash suit on, and just like the others, his back was turned away from him.
"I do wash it! After every practice." The chubby boy mumbled. "I don't smell."
Ender watched the interaction with curiosity. There were thirty Launchies gathered on the platform in front of battle room 1, and at least half of them were actively insulting the chubby kid in one way or another. Whether it be with deathly glares, verbal insults, or feigning that they couldn't stand a non-existent smell, it was clear that the chubby boy was at the bottom of the social hierarchy.
Ender took a moment to recall how the chubby boy acted in the battle room during his observations. Fly Molo wasn't one of Ender's best soldiers. Bean held that title and everyone in his jeesh was aware of that. But Fly was smart. He'd managed to whip the launchies into shape in the exact same timeline Bean had, and the chubby kid was no exception.
During their last task, the chubby kid, his name escaped Ender's mind, had worked alongside the others despite their negativity. He had made sure no one was left behind, and had been willing to sacrifice himself for the benefit of the group. Ender was impressed.
"Yes you do!"
"Yeah, nasty pig!"
"Snot!"
"Bicho!"
Ender cleared his throat. Very loudly.
The response was immediate. Every single launchy went quiet. All of them, especially the ones who had been harassing the chubby kid, had looks of panic on their faces. Looks that did not disappear even after they all shot to attention.
"Commander on deck." A voice from inside the crowd shouted, and the remaining soldiers got into formation.
Silence. Ender could feel Valentine's amusement from behind him. It made him want to look at his sister. But of course, he refrained. Instead, he walked up to the group of soldiers. Most of them, to his delight, looked nervous. It seemed that his jeesh had relayed Graff's threat, and that it made the soldiers even more willing to comply than they would have been otherwise.
"As you know. My soldiers have passed you onto me." Ender started. He didn't bother to address the harassment he'd witnessed just moments ago, but he did plan on using that to his advantage later on. "They believe that you are ready. That you are worthy of being in my army. But," he paused to let the anxiety fester even more. "if I find that any of you would rather act like a dull bob and treat this war as a joke, you'll be out faster than it'll take me to freeze your flash suit."
Ender felt Valentine's arm brush up against the side of his flash suit as she walked up beside him. He took this opportunity to glance her way. Her Strawberry curls were pulled up into a high ponytail in preparation for the battle room, while the helmet of her flash suit was tucked under her left arm. She wore a dragon army flash suit just as Ender did, despite the fact that she'd never been in the battle room before. The last thing Ender wanted, however, was to embarrass his sister by fitting her with a launchy uniform. Talk about degrading her authority with her students.
"My sister Valentine, who some of you already know" Ender continued, "will be assisting me with your training. You will address her as Miss Wiggin. And let it be known, even though she has minimal experience in the battle room, she is infinitely smarter than anyone else here and will be treated with respect at all times. Understood?"
"Yes sir." He got an immediate response.
"At ease." Ender watched as the soldiers settled into their new stance. "Now. Today will be fairly simple. I will split you into two teams of fifteen soldiers. It will be your team's job to retrieve this object and Miss Wiggin who will be carrying it, and get them to me in the centre of the battle room." Ender held up a metal rod in his right hand. It was no longer than a ruler, but wide enough to require his entire grip to wrap around the whole cylinder. The rod was painted a deep orange, similar to the colour of dragon army's uniforms, and was designed so that it would glow once it entered the battle room.
"In order for your team to win, you will need to immobilize every single member of the other team, gain possession of Miss Wiggin and the object, and have one member of your team deliver them to me without that team member becoming frozen in anyway. And to make it even more interesting. The team that loses will stay behind for an extra hour of strength training with me."
Ender passed Valentine the cylinder. She tucked it into the holster of her suit, where the flash pistol would normally go. She didn't need one for today's training, so Ender didn't supply her with one. And her holster was the only place she could put the cylinder and maintain full mobility. If she carried it, one hand would be useless, and if she tucked it somewhere else, it would inhibit her ability to maneuver properly.
"I will be housed in an arrangement of stars with only one access point. The only rule is that you must not fire on me or Miss Wiggin. Accidental hits will be tolerated. Any questions?"
A few questions were asked. None that were too complicated, so Ender sorted them into their groups.
"Val." He pulled his sister aside for a moment after both teams were assembled. "Stick to the basics in there today. Don't try to do anything crazy in front of the launchies."
"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry. I won't do anything embarrassing if that's what you're worried about, little brother." She smiled at him before putting her helmet on. "Now come on. I'm looking forward to showing you how things are actually done."
That made Ender laugh slightly. If it were only the two of them he would've replied with a sarcastic remark, but thirty pairs of eyes were trained on him. And he didn't need them thinking that he was going to be their friend. He wasn't there to be. And they weren't about to forget that.
~AN
Hello! After a long break in updates I am back for the holidays. I have also come to the conclusion that it is nearly impossible for me to update when I am taking classes. And this last semester especially, I was taking six. So, I will update as much as I can for the next few weeks.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate any comments, likes, and criticism on my work. It means a lot and keeps me writing. I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holidays despite the continued restrictions because of the ongoing pandemic. Stay safe!
Until the next one,
Jess xx