I stared at Logan, wishing I could go back in time. The dark look in his eyes was not what I had wanted, especially not this night. What had happened to showing me the meaning of simple? And the date I had imagined taking place in my head. . . well, that was obviously where it was going to stay. My words however managed to find their way from my mouth. “Even knowing you’re an asshole,” I whispered, “you manage to surprise me.”
“I guess we’re all full of surprises,” Logan shot back.
My eyes raked his face. They danced over his handsome features, which were all in a hardened line as he glared at me. “Will you stop speaking in code?” I asked, exasperated. This was not what I’d wanted.
“I guess you’re not smarter than you look after all.”
“That’s enough,” a voice rang out behind me, and I turned to see Preston. He stood, arms crossed over his broad chest, a piercing gaze directed at Logan.
Logan’s smirk was cruel as he returned Preston’s gaze. “Prince Charming to the rescue,” he spat, “who would have guessed it?”
Preston chose to ignore this comment, not letting so much as a reaction pass over his face. Instead he stayed glued in place, his gaze doing the same. “Don’t take this out on her,” he warned, giving a slow shake of his head. His hazel eyes took on a hard look I’d only seen once before; when he was warning me about Logan all that time ago.
“Right, wouldn’t want to ruin your birthday, now would we?”
I blinked into Logan’s blue eyes. His sarcastic tone didn’t escape me. “You’re kidding me,” I breathed as I took in his sour expression, “this can’t be about it being my birthday?” I was met with silence, as both boys stared at me, not saying a word. Logan’s gaze was cold and stubborn, and I didn’t even want to turn to see what Preston’s eyes would hold. “Is it?” I demanded to know.
“Kara-“
“No,” I cut Preston short, shooting him a silencing look, “I want to know what the hell this is all about.”
Across from me Logan relaxed back onto the bed, taking a seat as though about to watch a movie. He looked relaxed and graceful as he rolled his shoulders, reaching into his pocket for a pack of cigarettes the moment he was done. “Go ahead, tell her,” he said casually, lighting up his cancer stick.
The words struck terror into my heart, and my gaze found Preston in an instant. The last time I’d heard those words from Logan I’d heard some bad news. Granted it helped me to break up with Dylan, but it was bad news nonetheless. I’d been played and had unknowingly followed along every step of the way. But hearing these words now, seeing Logan’s air of nonchalance and the sudden worry that etched itself into Preston’s features made me feel like shrinking away. I read the look on Preston’s face; dread. It was all I could take, and I instead turned my eyes to Logan. “Why don’t you tell me?”
A flicker of panic crossed his blue eyes, before quickly being replaced with malice. “This could have been avoided.”
“What could have?”
Ignoring my question he took a drag on his cigarette before continuing on. “All you would have had to do was tell me your birthday was coming. I could have prepared something-“
“My birthday?” I hissed, beyond pissed off. “You’re really throwing this-“ I hesitated, looking for the word as I glared into his deep blue eyes, “this tantrum because I didn’t tell you it was my birthday?”
Preston’s hand rested on my shoulder, his strong presence suddenly right beside me. I couldn’t help but turn my eyes up to his, gazing into his face. I still wore a look of anger, and felt it too, but he knew it wasn’t directed towards him. “Kara you don’t need to hear this,” he said gently, yet firmly.
So he did know what this was all about after all! “I want to know.”
“I’m sure Maver’s bursting with impatience,” he tried again, a wary smile paired along with it.
“I appreciate your concern,” I forced out through tight lips, “but I made it pretty clear that I – want – to – know.” The last four words came out solid and slow. If I had to repeat myself one more time I was going to be the one throwing a hissy fit! Honestly! I understood Preston just wanted to protect me, but I didn’t need protecting. What I needed was to make sense of this birthday bullshit with tall dark and deadly himself.
From where he sat on the bed Logan gave a low snicker. “Looks like prince charming isn’t needed after-“
“Shut up!” I hissed at him angrily, cutting his remark short. “Enough of this crap. I deserve to know what it is you two are going on about. I deserve to know why I’m being yanked around on some invisible chain as you-“ my eyes cut into Logan’s with a rage that could only match his own patented flavor, “go from being an asshole to just plain unbearable!” The words were like a blast of fire as they forced their way from my mouth. It was about time I put my foot down. “Either you hate me or you don’t, make up your fucking mind.”
“It’d be a hell of a lot easier if you weren’t so damn difficult,” he fired back.
“Have you ever stopped to consider it’s you making things difficult?”
His smirk was cold and void of any humor. “I’d say I’m pretty damn easy.”
“Easy?!” I scoffed, close to letting out a bark of insane laughter. This man was impossible!
Instead of replying he turned his gaze to Preston, his eyes locking on to target quickly. “Go on then, tell her already. She obviously wants to know and you’re still here, so make yourself useful.”
I kept Logan in my line of sight, my eyes never blinking with how hard I was staring at him. Before I could think of something to say, anything that would explain this infuriating situation, Preston spoke instead. “I was wrong to trust Dylan around you,” he started, speaking slowly and with purpose. “I’d known he was a player in the past. We’ve all had those moments, but he seemed serious about you,” Preston’s eyes drew mine to meet them as he talked, “so I encouraged it.”
“What does this have to do with right now?” I asked, bewildered. I hadn’t expected Dylan’s name to be brought up. Wasn’t this about me being eighteen now?
“When you two broke up I found out that-“ he paused, his expression unreadable, “-well Logan had been behind it. All of it.”
My eyes flickered to Logan for a moment, before returning to Preston. “I already know all this,” my brows drew together in confusion. “That’s why I broke up with him. I found out he’d been lying to me since day one. He was trying to beat Logan by getting to me, they both told me as much.”
To my surprise Preston’s hands clenched to fists at his sides. It was his turn to shoot an angry glance to Logan. “Only you don’t give up that easy.”
Logan flashed a dark smirk, no light in his eyes at this point. It was dark and sarcastic. But he didn’t say anything to the accusation, just continued to stare into Preston as though I didn’t even exist. “Preston?” I asked, wanting to at least draw his attention back to me. If he was the only one going to explain things here then so be it.
It worked, and his eyes found mine. “There’s a reason Logan didn’t out Dylan to you right away, why he waited. He decided to use the situation to his advantage. He knew he couldn’t-“ he stopped, his face scrunching up into a grimace as though tasting something unpleasant. “He thought Dylan would sleep with you.”
“Well he thought wrong,” I growled, looking to Logan. Was that what this was all about? He was being such a dick because he’d imagined I was lying about still being a virgin?
“Found that out too fucking late,” Logan scoffed, bringing his cigarette to his lips.
“So then what is this all about?”
“I don’t do virgins,” was Logan’s response.
His face serious, eyes as unyielding as stone. It was a fact, a harsh reality. Logan didn’t do virgins. I’d heard him say it before. That it meant I was off limits. Only now, as I took in his still form, I realized my mistake. When he said it; he meant it. “You wanted me to sleep with Dylan,” my voice came out a dry whisper.
“I don’t do slow and steady Kara,” Logan shrugged, as though this was just a fact of life.
“I can’t believe this,” I breathed, all color draining from my face. Why everything had seemed to have been better between us lately- it’d all been because he’d thought I’d slept with Dylan. I was fair game suddenly. How had I not seen it? Hadn’t he stopped pushing himself on me after he’d found out I was a virgin? Then suddenly, it picks up and he’s springing kisses on me and I don’t think twice. I’d been duped. Again. Only this time it didn’t just suck, it hurt.
“It’d be too rough for you,” as he said it, his face softened the slightest bit, as if he were the one in pain.
I balled my fists so tightly I could feel my nails breaking the skin of my palm. “You once said you let me make my own decisions,” I hissed, my words like ice, “it’s nice to know your lying is consistent.”
“Your decision,” he spat, suddenly getting to his feet, “was to continue to be a priss!”
Ignoring his comment, I met his anger-filled eyes. “You know,” I breathed, shaking my head slowly, “it all makes sense now. I should have seen it sooner.”
“Kara?” Preston asked, his voice husky and laced with worry.
I turned to him, flashing a grim smile. “Don’t worry about me,” I assured him, “I can handle this.”
“Can you now?”
Once more I ignored Logan, keeping my gaze on Preston’s tense expression. “Tell Maver to hold his horses, would you?”
His mouth opened, as though about to counter what I’d just suggested, then closed. Gold danced in his hazel eyes, scanning my face once, then twice. But he didn’t say anything. Instead he nodded, his hand going up to run his fingers through his blonde hair as he turned his gaze to Logan instead. The look he shot him was deadly. Still he said nothing as he turned and left the room, closing the door behind him. I watched him leave, silently thanking him for not making it difficult to dismiss him.
“Alone once agai-“
“You waited to tell me about Dylan,” I cut him off, drowning out whatever snarky comment he was about to make. I turned to him, gazing up into his blue eyes. He seemed to tower over me now that he stood, and I could feel the familiar warmth running through my veins I always got when he overpowered me. “It wasn’t because you were worried what I’d do when I found out you were behind it. It was because you wanted to give him time to-“ I couldn’t finish my sentence. The words tasted sour in my mouth.
He didn’t say anything to this, just continued to glare down towards me. I wouldn’t be intimidated though, and instead took a step forward, closing the gap between us. “I knew you had issues Logan but this? This is just pathetic.”
“Pathetic?” He shot back, eyes glowing angrily. “Coming from the eighteen year old virgin?”
“It’s called having standards; something you’d know nothing about.”
“Oh I have standards all right. Why else wouldn’t I have fucked you by now?”
My lips twitched up in anger. “Oh I know the answer to that one,” I intoned.
“Your self-righteousness is your own undoing,” Logan’s smug voice responded. He paired it with a cruel smirk, hastily shoving his long hair from his eyes so he could better glare down at me. He was in his zone, stepping forward in an almost threatening stride. There was only a foot between us now, and I could almost feel the heat radiating from his body as he loomed over me. I had to look up to meet his eyes, otherwise I would’ve found myself staring at the black of his tee that covered his sturdy chest and not the blue eyes that I now met.
Logan had a way of getting under my skin and I hated it now more than ever. “Self-righteous? I see your insults have improved since you met me,” I smarted coolly back at him. I wasn’t going to let him win this one.
“If it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t be fighting right now.”
“You’re the one who tried to pass me off onto someone else because you couldn’t do it yourself!” I scoffed. This was in no way my fault!
His eyes darkened, flickering to scan over my face. “So you wanted me to?”
“That hardly matters now.”
Once more he shoved his black hair away from his eyes, pushing it to the side. They narrowed in on mine as he gave an ominous smirk. “It hurts, you know? Crying girls and me don’t mix.”
My jaw almost dropped at the audacity of it all. Only Logan would have such ridiculous reasons. “What makes you think I would have cried?”
“I’ve been with one or two Kara. It just doesn’t work out.”
“I thought you don’t do virgins,” I deadpanned back at him. That asshole!
He shrugged, voice giving away nothing as he said “I walked out on them and tried again when they’d finished.”
Now my jaw did dropped. “You-“ I couldn’t even get past that one word before shaking my head. The things that came out of this man’s mouth! I didn’t even know where to start on how to tell him how big of an asshole he really was. I’d underestimated him.
“Not how you picture your first time, huh?” he let out a dry laugh. “If I’d walked out on you, then that would have stayed in your head forever.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or punch him until I couldn’t anymore. On one hand in his own distorted way he cared about me, and on the other he’d been a total and utter dick. “So you’d rather I sleep with Dylan than risk the chance I’d cry and ruin my first time?” I asked, floored.
“I couldn’t keep going with you crying,” he reached up, scratching the back of his neck as he looked down at me. “All you had to do was sleep with him. Then we would have been fine.”
“I just don’t get it. You, king of possessiveness wanted me to sleep with Dylan?”
“I didn’t like it either, but it had to be someone.”
I stared at him, mind clicking away. Logan was never going to change. No matter what I felt about him things remained the same as the day I met him. He was no prince charming; he didn’t do hearts and flowers. When it came to him things were always going to be like this. The worst part was that he was right: I had known he was an asshole since day one. “Well don’t worry. It’s not your problem anymore,” I hissed, backing away from him.
“Let me guess, this is where you say you hate me?” he asked, his tone mocking, and smirk humorless.
“No Logan. I don’t hate you,” once more I shook my head, my red curls shifting around my shoulders. I continued on my way to the door even as I spoke to him. “But I do hate the fact that nothing’s ever going to change.”
“You plan on staying a virgin forever?”
I pursed my lips, holding in the urge to punch him already. “No. It’s that the bad outweighs the good with you.”
He opened his mouth but I didn’t stick around long enough for him to get a word out. I turned my back on him and left. Whatever he’d been about to say it didn’t make it out by the time I’d closed his bedroom door behind me.
And then it hit me like a wave. Everything I’d bottled up in front of him; the confusion, the hurt and most of all the crushing disappointment. Even after everything we’d been through it still wasn’t enough. I could romanticize his actions all I wanted but it wouldn’t change the cold hard truth. Logan was and always would be Logan. As beautiful as he was cruel, it was the harsh reality I would have to except.
I’d thought myself prepared to face my feelings for him but in reality they weren’t enough to bridge our different lifestyles. Tears threatened to well up in my eyes, and I had to fight to hold them back. I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I’d never been the type of girl who cried and I wasn’t going to start now. Not when I had two of my closest friends waiting for me to blow out my birthday candles.
Forcing my legs to carry forward I managed to make my way through the throng of stranger’s in Logan’s house, and into the kitchen. I barely made it a step in before Maver had spotted me. He hopped down from the counter, striding towards me with an angry look. Instantly my eyes flashed to Preston, who stood leaning against the very counter Maver had been perched up on just moments ago. He shook his head as though answering a question I had dreaded to ask: did Maver know what was going on?
“What took you so long?” he demanded to know, eyes raking over my body as he grabbed me roughly by the shoulders. He stood, holding me at arms length so he could keep me put as his eyes fixed on mine. “You were with him weren’t you?” he demanded to know, eyes narrowing into an angered glare. For a moment it reminded me of Logan, and I had to look away. “I told him if he laid a finger on you I’d-“
“You don’t have to worry,” I cut him short as I returned my gaze to his. “What happened was a mistake. Nothing like that is going to happen again.” Maver’s worried stare was so full of skepticism that I couldn’t help but grin. He may not always be the best friend in the world, but deep down he did care. “I pinky promise.”
Seeing my grin he relaxed, taking my pinky swiffly in his. “You know what happens if you break a pinky promise right?”
“You break my pinky, yeah yeah I know,” I shot back, squeezing his pinky just as hard in return.
Releasing my pinky he instead grabbed me by the arm, pulling me forward into the kitchen. I stumbled after him coming to an awkward stop when he finally released me to join Karen’s side. She shot me a smile as she held up the lighter. “Want to do the honors?”
“Yeah hurry up, it’s almost midnight!” Maver urged.
I couldn’t help but raise a brow at him, shaking my head at the lighter. “You do know my birthday isn’t officially until tomorrow, right?”
“Saturday night makes more sense for a party,” he shrugged. “Besides, better early than late!”
Preston accepted the lighter from Karen instead, shooting a smile over at me. “Happy early 18th birthday girl,” he beamed before stooping to swiftly light the big candles on the cake. They were shaped in a giant wax 18. “Make a wish.”
I laughed, feeling the eyes on us as people noticed what was going on. For being a supposed birthday party I got the feeling no one really knew the reason they were here. It didn’t matter though. It was the thought that counted. Unable to contain my smile I closed my eyes, ready to blow out my candles. Just what was my wish?
I wish that this year will be different- that this year I won’t give in and will go after what I want.
With wish in mind I pursed my lips to blow and another thought came to mind. As I blew out my candles I couldn’t help but silently break the rule of birthday wishes. The selfish girl I was I allowed myself another wish. One I hoped would come true. I wished that Logan and I could be friends. Not in the sense we had been, but genuine friends.
It wasn’t a big wish really. I didn’t expect much out of it. He’d never be a friend in the usual expectations of the word. But, like his younger brother, I was willing to accept that. Sure the bad outweighed the good from most people’s point of view, but that wasn’t what mattered to me. There hadn’t been a conventional day in the eighteen years I’d been alive.
“What did you wish for?” Maver’s nosey voice broke my train of thought and I rolled my eyes at him.
“If I told you it wouldn’t come true.”
Preston laughed at Maver’s put-out expression and proceeded to cut the cake. “A little birdy told me you liked chocolate cake.”
I looked down at the plate he handed my way, my face scrunching up in confusion. “This is cheesecake,” I pointed out, raising my eyes to meet his as I accepted the plate.
Flashing a boyish grin, his eyes lit up with humor. “I had a hunch that wasn’t the case. You seemed more like a strawberry cheesecake type of girl.”
“You know me too well,” I agreed. I was thankful he hadn’t listened to Maver (for I knew that was who’d told him that) because I’d never been a big fan of chocolate. Maver on the other hand was a glutton for it. He’d probably made the suggestion in hopes of being able to get all the leftovers to himself. It was a plan that usually worked. Only unlike his parents it seemed Preston wasn’t so easily deceived. Lucky me.
He patted the counter beside him and I happily obliged, hopping up to occupy the space beside him as I set about eating my delicious cake. After dishing out the other two pieces he relaxed back to eat his own, throwing one of his heartwarming smiles my way. “So, how’s it feel to no longer be jailbait?” I followed his glance to the clock that read 12:13, and smiled back at his teasing. “Now what am I supposed to use as an excuse to keep these handsy boys at bay?”
“Relax grandpa, I think I can take care of myself now.”
Though his face scrunched up, shooting me a playfully pouty look, he nodded in agreement. “You most certainly can.”
“Speaking of which,” an idea hit me and I jumped lowered myself from the counter, “there’s something I need to take care of.”
He raised a brow, watching as I scooped a piece of the cake onto my otherwise empty plate. “What’s that?”
“I’m just going to run this to Logan,” I answered, grabbing a new fork from the drawer. Maver and Karen had disappeared, but judging from the looks they’d been giving each other I didn’t need to hazard a guess at what they were up to. “May at well see if he’d like a piece.”
Though Preston didn’t look like he thought too highly of my idea he nodded his head. “It’s your cake, you can do what you want with it.”
“Thank you Preston,” I said, realizing I’d thought the words so many times but never actually had said them out loud. “For the cake and the present-“ I smiled, “for everything.”
“Don’t think I’ve forgotten your age remark!” he laughed, leaning forward. His eyes sparkled playfully as he flashed me a charming smirk. “Flattery will only get you so far.”
With a laugh I ruffled his hair quickly, turning to leave with great satisfaction at the surprised glimpse that had flashed over his face. I figured it was only fair after all the times he’d messed up my hair, and made my way into the hall. Ignoring Maver’s closed door and any thoughts of what was happening behind it, I approached Logan’s instead. It was still closed, and I found my feet coming to a halt before it. Should I knock?
Just as I raised my knuckles to rap on the wood I heard a sound. It was faint, but unmistakably Logan. The weird part was it sounded almost like a sob.
No way. Logan couldn’t be. . . crying?