Weeks have passed and I studied more for my exams than I ever had before. If this year at Chilton won't be my best one so far, I can forget the opportunity to get into a good university. It is all I have been thinking about.
I haven't spoken to Jess in two weeks, neither do Rory and I talk much. Lorelai hates Jess even more after the car accident and Luke still doesn't seem recovered over the shock.
I walk passed Luke's after another exam, seeing Rory and Jess talk behind the counter. I catch his gaze for a few seconds, but he turns away fast enough, making clear he couldn't care less. The snow is falling, melting on the ground, making the streets completely drained.
For some reason I do enjoy the winter. It makes me think about my life back in New York. Jess smiles at Rory, raises an eyebrow as he used to do when he mocked me. Back then I thought it was annoying, but now all I can wish for is that he will tease me as he used too.
'Madelaine wait!' I hear someone yell when I walk past Doose's. I turn around to see Kirk run towards me, his face completely red. I can't tell if it is because of the cold or the fact that he isn't athletic at all.
'Are you alright?' I ask concerned when he stops right in front of me, leaning on my shoulders. Some people in the street watch us curious. I know what they all are thinking. Kirk is a rather weird figure to hang out with, but he is honest and most important, not afraid to be himself. I care more for him than I will ever admit.
'I'm fine', he mumbles, but doesn't seem sure himself. I keep looking at him until his breath slows, finally able to speak up.
'I was wondering if you are participating in the twenty-four hour dance competition?' He asks, leaning against the wall of another building. I stare at him stunned for a few seconds, not knowing what he is talking about.
Stars Hollow always organises the most weird events, but I have never participated in the dance competition. 'Kirk, I'm not sure if ...'
'You don't have to say yes. I was only wondering if you wanted to be my dance partner. I mean, I want to win that trophy again. Lorelai is after it as always', he says annoyed. I don't know what to tell him, the only thing that is obvious is how desperate he feels. But I have my exams, that is more important than a big trophy.
'I'm afraid I can't', I whisper. 'The dance competition is next week. Call me if you change your mind', he says before slowly walking away from me again.
I'm not sure if the thought of dancing with Kirk is the thing that scares me, or the fact that I will dance in general. I watch him walk away, knowing I can't be his partner and turn around to go home.
Tomorrow I have another exam, and I can't fail.
(time skip)
While Lydia is cleaning the kitchen I walk upstairs, regretting a decision I am about to make. From the bottom of my closet I take an old box, seeing my old dance clothes nicely stacked in it. I take a few costumes out of it, realising I won't fit in any of them.
By bringing up the dance competition Kirk has made me aware of a part of my life I wanted to forget. But now that I stand here, holding my competition costume. I am hating myself more with every second.
After I have found at least one costume that seems to fit, I put it on and sneak out of my bedroom to walk towards the room next to mine: the dance studio my mother has made for me.
I turn the light on, seeing at least three different versions of myself when I look at the walls covered in mirrors. I stand here, wearing a soft purple costume I used to dance in all the time, my long blond hair over my shoulders. I can't do this, I can't possibly dance again. Never.
Instead I sit on the ground in the middle of the room, staring at my reflexion. Overthinking every decision I have made in my life. I hate these kind of moments the most. The moments when tears run down your face without even trying, not sure why you are crying in the first place.
I have no idea how long I have been sitting here. It is the moment the door opens and Lydia walks in I seem to wake up again.
'You must be cold', she whispers and lays one of my cardigans over my shoulders. It isn't until then I feel the actual cold of this room. She can see the pain I am trying to hide, even I can see it. My eyes are a little red.
She says nothing when she sits on the ground next to me, putting her short red hair in a low ponytail.
'Kirk asked me to dance with him next week', I mumble and her eyes light a little up. I shake my head immediately, telling her I won't do it.
'Lydia?' I ask after another long pause of silence. She turns to me quickly, observing my face. 'Do you think I made a mistake when I quitted dancing?' An understanding smile appears on her face and she stretches her arm out to touch my hair softly, comforting me as usual.
'Did you make that decision because of what Jess told you back then?' She asks after a while. 'He only told me I should do what makes me happy. He is a reason I quitted faster than I would but eventually I think I would've made that decision on my own', I explain.
'Than you didn't make a mistake', she assures me.