please remember that just because someone is in the spotlight does not mean they don't have feelings. treat people with kindness, always.
I stare up at the ceiling of the bedroom on the tour bus, the only lighting in the room being that of the moon shining high outside in the sky, filtering in through the crack between the two small curtains we had set up. It's nearing 11 pm, but Ruel had a late night rehearsal just to make sure everything would run smoothly for his concert tomorrow, and I decided to stay on the bus so that they could get what they needed done rather than having to constantly drag Ruel away from me and back to the stage every five minutes.
I raise my hand in the air, letting my fingers move through the stream of light, watching as the shadows dance across the room almost as if they have minds of their own. I feel the bus shake as the wind outside rushes around in hard random gusts, being so strong I can hear the howling of it every few seconds, smiling as the noise almost brings me a sense of peace. I lay flat, just listening to the sounds of the wind, my body warm and comfortable in Ruels sweatshirt, when the sound of hushed voices and footsteps distracts my train of thought. I instantly sit up staring straight at the door, knowing any second now Ruel would enter, tired and clingy from the stress of today's events.
"Hi bubba" I whisper, smiling as he enters, closing the door softly and instantly coming over to me with fatigue lining his steps. He sets his phone on the nightstand, kicks his shoes off into a random corner of the room, and nudges me backwards so he can crawl on top of me, resting his face against my chest with a sigh. I run my fingers through his soft hair, feeling him leave a small kiss to my chest, before letting out an annoyed breath. "What's wrong? Something happen during rehearsal?" I softly question, still playing with his hair as he lets out a frustrated groan, his body tensing up as he thinks about the rehearsal that just took place.
"Tomorrow's show is going to be absolute shit" he grumbles, shoving his face against my chest, gripping my sides as his body stays stiff with tension. I stay silent and twirl the hair at the nape of his neck, waiting for him to continue so that he can elaborate on what's bothering him, knowing if I say something he'll get sidetracked. He lifts his head and rests his chin in the middle of my chest, his hair falling down and covering his eyes, my hands instantly pulling it back and putting it into a little bun with my scrunchie so that I can see his face clearly. "Do you think I'm good at this music thing? Like do you think I know what I'm doing?" He questions, insecurities floating through his mind, and shining through his eyes as they fill with an uncertain look. My eyes widen in shock upon hearing his question, not able to comprehend that he'd question his talents, knowing with my whole heart there's no one else in this world that's meant for this life more than him.
"Not only do I think you're absolutely amazing at what you do, but I know you're meant for it. You were born for this bub, there's no better match when it comes to taking on the music industry than you. You might not know what you're doing at all times, but no one does, that's a part of learning and seeing what works and doesn't work" I reason with him, the sigh that escapes his lips causing my heart to break just a little bit, knowing tonight was just one of those nights where I won't be able to fix his problems and make them go away like I'd wish. I press my palm against his cheek, letting my thumb rub across it as he leans into my hand, craving a connection to make him feel like him again. "You're doing the best that you can and I'm proud of you. I'm always proud of you. What's making you think differently today?" I quietly ask him, my heart finally shattering as he looks away from my eyes, the moonlight shining into the small room illuminating the unshed tears that fill his eyes.
"I-I don't know. Everyone just had something they didn't like or to complain about today. I was doing too much or I wasn't doing enough, but I'm trying my hardest... but maybe my hardest just isn't enough." He chokes out, a quiet sob breaking through his body, tears softly falling down his face as he lets his wall down. I let him clutch on to me as he cries, his tears falling on to my shirt soaking it in the process, and his face turning pink as it heats up. "I just want to be good enough. I w-wish I was good enough" he barely gets out, his feelings crashing through him, everything he's kept inside for so long finally breaking surface. I wipe the never ending stream of tears away with my hands, caressing his face in hopes of brining his comfort, before shifting so I could sit up with him facing me.
"You're good enough Ruel, you're more than enough. Everyone is just stressed from constantly being on the road, but don't let their words get to you, because you're doing more than they could imagine" I quietly mumble to him, holding his face in my hands as he gazes at me with a broken look, his heart yearning for acceptance and appreciation. I pull him into my arms, holding him in a tight embrace as he hiccups and sobs against me, my eyes watering at the cries he lets out. He shakes in my arms as I rock us side to side, occasionally pressing a kiss here and there to his head, whispering sweet praises into his ear as he lets everything out.
"I just want to make everyone happy, but it feels like no ones ever happy with what I do. I'm either too energetic or I'm too boring, I'm too loud or I'm too quiet, I'm too this or I'm too that. Why can't I just be me and have that be enough" he whispers, his voice cracking as he speaks, looking up at me with pleading eyes, wanting nothing but a way to make his heart stop hurting. I watch him with sad eyes, not knowing how to make things better, because there are just some things that are out of my reach, though I so desperately wish I could change the way things are. "I get compared every day to all of these other people, but I can never just be Ruel. There's always something more to it. I can't even grow my hair the way I want it without people complaining or wear what I want without getting side remarks, why can't people just accept me for me. I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy when I'm not happy anymore" he admits, resting his head against my neck as I hold him, finally realizing that this is a lot more than just stress from the team today, but rather built up stress from all the things this lifestyle and career brings with it.
I pull him up and rest him against the headboard as an idea makes its way to the front of my brain, before making my way to my duffle bag on the floor, grabbing all the supplies I need and making my way over to him. He watches me with curious eyes as I turn on the light in the room, sniffles leaving him every now and then as he sits silently, his eyes looking over all the things I have set out in front of us on the bed. I grab his phone and unlock it, putting on his playlist that always makes him feel better, and grabbing my two headbands that I packed in case of events like this. I pull myself on to his lap, his hands instantly going to my hips as he holds me on place, and reach my own hands up to wipe the last of his tears before pressing a kiss to both of his eyelids. I grab the headband and place it over his head, pulling it back up to push the front pieces of his hair back that had fallen out of the bun, and passing him mine so he could put it on me like he always does.
"I know I can't take the pain away, but I hope I can help ease it" I whisper as he puts my hair up and pushes the headband in place, before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his pouted lips, smiling when it coaxes a small smile to rise. I grab a few of the face masks that I have set up before showing him all of them, knowing he likes to choose which one we do, even if he goes off of color rather than what it's supposed to do. He grabs the pink jelly face mask, only liking it because of the glitter that's inside of it, and sets it on my lap while moving the other ones to the bedside table. "I just want to tell you that you're good enough. You're always good enough, even when you don't feel like it." I remind him, using my applicator brush to put an even layer across his skin, smiling as the glitter shines in the light. He watches me silently as I finish applying everything, before he takes the brush from my hand and puts the mask on my face, his eyes concentrated as he spreads it across my skin.
"I love you" he croaks out, his voice deep from crying and exhaustion, and his eyes conveying how much he truly means what he's saying. I give him a small smile and pucker my lips for a kiss, laughing when he does the same, trying to avoid our sticky skin from touching. "I can't explain how much I love you, but you're my best friend, and I'm thankful for you and everything you do for me." He barely gets out before my eyes water, having already been emotional from seeing him so upset, to being emotional because he's the best thing to ever happen to me. He lets out a quiet laugh when he notices my watery eyes, rubbing my hips with small strokes from his thumbs, wanting to kiss me but knowing the disaster that would take place because of the masks still drying.
"I love you too. We're best friends for life, but I'm lucky that my best friend is also the love of my life, since not a lot of people get that" I tell him, both of us just relishing in the presence of one another, knowing that we've always got each other to lean on when things get rough. I lightly pat on his face, feeling the masks rubbery texture, before slowly peeling it off and waiting for him to peel mine off, laughing at his excited expression. He grabs the discarded face masks and sets them down, picking up my favorite serum and applying it for both of us, smiling when close my eyes as he rubs it into my skin. "I know today was rough, but tomorrow will be better. You're going to kill it at your show and I'm going to be right there watching you from backstage, because I'm your biggest fan and I always will be. Just like how you're always my biggest fan" I smile up at him, closing my eyes when he leans down to press a kiss to my lips, laughing when he pushes me back and lays on top of me, pressing kisses across my freshly moisturized skin.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, you're literally the only thing that keeps me sane" he mumbles, grinning as I look up at him through hazy tired eyes, laughing when I whine as he gets off of the bed. He puts away all of the skin products, throwing away the used face masks, and turning off the lights before coming back to me. He gets settled on the bed, taking our headbands off and tossing them on to the night stand, before pressing his back against my chest, and humming in content as I wrap myself around him, caging him away from the stresses of the world. We lay in silence for a little bit, having switched the playlist to his 'sleepy time' one, his calm breathing ghosting over my arms that rest around his shoulders and neck. "I'm sorry about my breakdown today, I guess things just finally caught up to me and it hurts. It hurts to feel like people don't want the real you, but rather the person they've made you to be in their head. I'm a real person with real feelings, but I think a lot of them see me as a manufactured person here for their entertainment." He tells me, feeling more at ease to open up about the thoughts clouding his mind. I hum in agreement at his words, knowing that a lot of people tend to forget that he's not just some pop star they can fantasize about, but a person who has their good days and their bad days.
"I know Bubba, I know. You just need to keep being you, because you're enough. If they can't accept you and what makes you happy, then they don't truly love you the way they say they do. Just so you know, I love when you grow out your mustache, or grow out your hair, it makes you look extra handsome" I mumble, giggling when he laughs at my words, knowing how much I mean it from the distracted glances and subconscious stares he notices time to time. "You're perfect the way you are, even if they don't like it. Whether it be you screaming and dancing around during rehearsal, or silently sitting in a practice room, because you're just being you." I remind him, knowing he won't be able to see himself through my eyes, but hoping one day he can love himself the way I do. He's the sun in a sea of regular stars, color in a world of nothing but black and white, and a sunflower in a field of roses.
"I'm lucky to have you, thank you my love. Goodnight, I love you" he mumbles, his brain finally slowing down as my words reach his ears, peace settling in to his heart. He barely hears my reply as I mutter back my response, pressing a kiss to the back of his shoulder as he finally surrenders to the fatigue plaguing his body, slowly easing against me in my arms as he drifts off into a dreamworld where life is easier and happier than what we get here on earth.
I hold him as the music softly floats throughout the room, the quiet rumble of the tour bus driving through the empty streets, hidden beneath the voice of frank ocean. My heart aches and hopes for a better day tomorrow, knowing my beautiful boy deserves nothing but peace and happiness, because there's not another soul out there that's as bright as his.
"I wish you could see yourself the way I do" I mumble into the dark room, my eyes finally shutting as sleep takes over.