Blake reacts the instant the words leave my lips.
At first, she seems shocked. Her brown eyes widen as she gapes up at me, taking a small step backwards as if that is going to help clear her mind. Then an expression I can't quite read comes over her, millions of emotions passing through her gaze. When her gaze meets mine again, I notice that her eyes have welled with unshed tears.
I can feel my heart shatter as she whispers, "No."
I want to take my words back, to walk away and leave Blake Rhodes alone. Maybe her life had been better without me in it. Yet I do none of this, because I'm selfish. I can't walk away, because all I have wanted for the past three years is to be with her again. I can't take the words back because they're true, and it's about damn time I admit the truth to her. I can't disappear from her life even if she is better off without me, because my life sucks without her in it. I'm not willing to give up on us yet.
I guess all of these thoughts is what drives me to take a determined step toward her, ignoring the way she takes another step back. I don't think as I speak, "Yes, Blake. I'm in love with you. I fell in love with you three years ago, and I never stopped. I love you, and you need to hear that, because I'm not going to stop. I am never going to stop loving you."
Blake shakes her head as I go on, eyes gleaming with tears. I watch as a lone tear escapes her eye, leaving behind a jagged path on her cheek. The sight sends me back to the day I left her, watching her cry as I had turned my back on her. I messed up back then, leaving the girl I love when she needed me most.
I'm not going to mess up again.
"Stop, Noah," Blake rasps. "Just . . . stop. I can't hear this. Not right now. I can't—"
"I love you," I repeat. I need her to hear the words, to know that I'm not going to leave her again. "Last night was anything but a mistake to me. I don't want to be your friend, Blake. I've tried, and that's not going to work for me. Because I love you, and I've waited this long to say it. I promised you that I was never going to stop loving you. I told you that I plan on keeping those promises."
Blake continues to shake her head, tears dripping down her cheeks. Her gaze has filled with a new emotion, one that I instantly recognize as rage.
"You know what else you promised me, Noah?" she cries. "You promised me that you wouldn't leave me! And I believed you! Look where that got me!"
"Blake—" I start to speak, but now that Blake has gotten worked up she is clearly not ready to stop talking.
"No, Noah," she snaps, interrupting me. "You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to come back after all this time, telling me that you love me and expecting me to fall for it. If you really loved me, then where were you when I needed you? Where were you on the nights I cried myself to sleep, calling out for you? Where were you the nights I felt like I couldn't breathe, suffocated by the memories of Mason's hands on me and everything else he put me through? Where were you when my siblings wanted to know why you stopped coming to visit? If that is how you show someone you love them, then you're pretty shitty at it!"
I let Blake hurl insults at me, understanding that the guards she has built have been three years in the making. As she tears them down one by one, it's only fair to have the building crumble on top of me as she throws her bricks. After all, I'm the one who forced her to put up these walls. I deserve this. We both know she's not going to be able to move on, with or without me, until she has gotten the rage out of her system.
"I loved you!" Blake storms on, glaring at me with nothing but raw anger and hatred in her eyes. "I would have done anything for you! But the second things got tough, you just . . . left! You put me through hell! I called you every night for a year, leaving you message after message, and you didn't respond to one."
Though I understand and can respect Blake's statements, there comes a time where even the most patient of people snap. As Blake hurls her insults, I find my resolve cracking until I finally lose it.
"I left because I love you!" I cry, stopping Blake from continuing. She glowers at me, as if waiting for me to explain. I step toward her, knowing my excuses aren't near good enough, yet they're all I have.
"You think it hurt to watch me go?" I question, eyes narrowed as I peer down at Blake. "Imagine how much it would have hurt you if I'd stayed. I knew what was coming, Blake. I didn't want you to see me that way. I couldn't let you see me like that. Because I have always been self-destructive, Blake. I'd go to hell before I destroyed you with me."
"What is that supposed to even mean?" Blake prompts, staring at me defiantly. "That was supposed to be my choice, Noah! You stole that from me!"
"I was protecting you!" I bite back, voice rising. "I'll admit, I left because I was selfish. I could either push you away and find my way back to you, or I could let you see who I was becoming and lose you for good. Be honest, Blake: Would you have stayed with me if you had to put up with three years of me needing to rely on alcohol to sleep at night? Three years of substance abuse, messing with my personality until I couldn't remember who I'd been before I lost myself in pills? Would you have stayed by my side during the days I couldn't get out of bed, too upset by the pain of losing my mother to move or speak? When inhaling the smoke from a cigarette was the only time I felt like I could breathe? Is that the kind of man you can see yourself supporting through thick and thin?"
Blake stiffens as she stares at me, seeming realizing that I have a point. Yet she's always been stubborn, so I'm not surprised when she mumbles, "It doesn't matter, Noah. Whether I stayed with you or left you wasn't your choice to make. It was supposed to be mine."
"You're right," I spit crossly. "But whether or not you saw me self-destruct was my choice, and I don't give a damn if it makes me selfish that I chose to not let that happen. I've always wanted to be the kind of guy you deserve, Blake. You grew up in a small town with a good reputation, surrounded by wealthy families. You're the kind of girl who gets a car for her sixteenth birthday and doesn't have to worry much about money, because her parents are fortunate enough to be able to provide for their family. But me? I'm the kind of guy girls like you don't look at twice. I grew up with barely enough to get by, in a single-parent home, wrecking havoc wherever I went. Girls like you are supposed to stay away from the boys like me. When I fell for you, I promised myself I would change. Turn myself into the kind of guy a girl like you wouldn't feel ashamed to love. After my mom died . . . we both know I wasn't someone a girl like you could love."
I've never seen Blake as angry as she is in this moment. Her eyes are so stormy, they appear black. Her lips are pursed so tightly they look translucent. Her features are so hard and tight, I swear they're made of stone.
"Don't you get it, you dipshit?" Blake yells. I can tell that she's really pissed, as that's the only time Blake openly curses. "I loved you for you, Noah! Do you seriously think I cared about your background, or your past, or your family life? If you really think that you had to completely change who you were for me to love you, then you're an idiot. I didn't fall in love with some perfect guy who somehow managed to change overnight. I fell in love with Noah Reed. A guy with a smoking habit, who had grease stains on his shirts from working at a repair shop, who fought with his father because he was too stubborn to admit to himself that his dad loved him despite his absence in his life. The boy I fell in love with cursed too much and yelled when he got angry and had a temper that drove him to throw fists a lot of times. I fell in love with a boy who was stupid enough to think I wouldn't love him despite his faults, so he thought he had to hide them. Tell me, Noah, does that guy sound perfect to you?"
When I don't respond, Blake must realize that she has proved her point. Honestly, she has. Maybe I'd been wrong in thinking that I wasn't worthy of Blake's love unless I was equal to her. Because now that she is making a case of everything I had tried to hide from her, I realize that she is only pointing out who I have been all along, reminding me of the guy I thought would scare her off.
And she's telling me that she loved me anyway.
"You're not perfect, Noah Reed," Blake murmurs, expression softening as she gazes up at me. "You have faults, just like everyone else. But for every fault you have, you have two positives. You're considerate. Patient. Loving. You work hard for everything you have. You'd do anything to protect those you love. You're amazing with little kids. You're ridiculously attractive. You love with all you have. Those are the reasons I fell in love with you, Noah. Faults and all."
I don't know what to say. It's like Blake has suddenly put everything into perspective for me, as if I have had bad vision this whole time and she has handed me a pair of glasses that suddenly make everything clear. Now that I'm seeing things from Blake's point of view, I'm left to look at how stupid I'd been. I walked away from the best thing I've ever had, thinking I was protecting her. In reality, there had been no danger to protect Blake from. She knew the kind of person I was just as well as I did, and she loved me anyway. She loved me anyway. And I'd just . . . left her.
"I'm sorry," I somehow manage to mumble. I know those two simple words are in no way going to make up for all that I've put Blake through, yet it's all I can come up with at the moment.
"Me too," Blake whispers, studying me for a moment. Then she's turning her back on me, leaving me behind without another word. I want to reach for her hand, to beg her not to go. Yet I don't. Because, deep down, I know that I've fucked up. It's going to take a lot more than I previously thought to make things right.
I watch as Blake walks off, feeling my heart twist and shatter in my chest s she goes. I wonder if this is how Blake felt all those years ago when she was forced to watch me leave her behind.
Just as I had, Blake doesn't look back.
____
a/n: this is definitely one of my favorite chapters bc of the majorrrr perspective change. Noah, you're a dummy.