Nyx is a young woman, like you, but she carries the burdensome weight of ancient wisdom. She is, in all truthfulness, an old soul. Like a legend of some kind, Nyx's presence is nothing short of magical. And though her knowledge is something to behold, she's frightfully shy and petite with yellow hair that travels to her shoulders. In her kind, doe eyes is a constant reminder that there is still humanity upon this Starkiller sequel base.
She's also an excellent seamstress.
"Why doesn't he have synth-skin?" she asks you, pins bobbing between two rosy lips. She's tending to your gown. Nyx is a perfectionist and you're not very tall, so your patience wears thin after the first hour.
You reflect on her question and decide that you can't answer it. "There is a reason for it, but that's all I can say. I'm not even sure he's aware I know." In the three way mirror you watch your shoulders sway with your slow breathing.
After the tragedy on Starkiller base, Kylo Ren amputated his own arm.
No one had any idea why he did it. The arm was unharmed besides the regulatory wounds from any saber fight. It could have healed nicely; he wouldn't have even needed synth skin at all. But the first night in the medbay, Kylo struck his arm. The doctors and medical droids panicked at the sight, afraid that they might be responsible for the death of their commander. Thankfully, the blade cauterized his limb and there was no blood.
No one had understood his reason for doing it - except you.
Nyx nods but then says, "I assumed there was reason. After all, who cuts off a perfectly good arm?"
If Nyx were anyone else, you would have demanded them to leave your quarters and relieve them of their duties - immediately. But Nyx has been with you ever since you served as ambassador back home. Besides, her question was far from allusive.
You ignore what she had said and decide to comment on her work.
"It's beautiful," you tell her. She smiles in the mirror. "I'm sorry for asking you to do this on such a short notice."
Nyx shakes her head. "Now that I'm only a few hallways away I'm more than willing."
Oh, gods. You were thankful for that, too. Since the First Order had settled on a permanent resident, Nyx was able to travel from home and stay here with you. One of your requests when your union with Kylo was made was to bring a handmaiden with you. You had become accustomed to being waited on and you needed the help. Back home there were four handmaidens: Mathilde, Zelda, Nyx, and Orx.
The three of them were perfectly acceptable - you'd even go as far to say that they were the greatest handmaidens any public official could ever have. But your relationship with Nyx had blossomed into something more than a professional relationship. The two of you became inseparable. So inseparable, actually, that your two months traveling aboard the Finalizer without her had triggered a depression. Suddenly, it felt like an entirely different galaxy. Nyx was your last piece of home and, without her anchor, you felt like a completely different person.
Kylo had noticed this and even mentioned her once or twice. When you told him that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of space travel (and who could blame her?) he seemed...scuttled. It was as though he couldn't possibly wrap his head around the idea of such an attachment.
When Nyx is finished she stands and wipes her hands on her dress. "I did a great job...if I do say so myself." She allows a proud grin.
You nod, twisting in the mirror to show off to an invisible audience. The gown is your typical uniform when you're 'on location' (which is the command center, but you like to refer to it as such). The planet of Yanni is relatively warm. Therefore, in lieu of the structured, asymmetrical clothing you wore on the Finalizer (space is rather cold) you asked for relaxed, silk gowns without shape. You were more lenient with color, much to Kylo and Snoke's demise. They wish you had a darker sense of fashion, especially considering your rank in the First Order. And though you did follow that rule while traveling aboard the Finalizer, you wouldn't be seen on Yanni's base as much. You opted for reds, whites, and greens now.
The dress Nyx has constructed is your typical wear on Yanni; a shapeless, ivory toned, silk piece with a cape on its shoulders. Besides, you had been feeling rather ballooned lately. Structured meant waist-binders which meant sucking in - and that was something you definitely weren't capable of doing right now.
You stare at your stomach, your eyes melting into your reflection so thoroughly that the world around you blurs. Against the ivory fabric is a normal looking belly - there's nothing out of the ordinary. It curves the same way and is just as soft as it was three months before.
But you knew.
Nyx watches you cautiously and places her head on your shoulder. She's taller than you by a land-slide so she has to bend her knees a bit. "Do you know for sure?" she asks. You don't need the context to understand what she means.
"No," you admit. You place your hands on your abdomen, trying to sense life or maybe just trying to make sense of it in general. "I've been too afraid."
"It's been a month, hasn't it?" she asks.
You say, "Yes."
"And have the two of you engaged si..."
You cut her off, too upset to think about the possibilities of intimacy with him. For the past month the two of you have remained distant - though not entirely absent. He's slept in the same bed as you but hasn't touched you since that night. You wondered at first if you had done anything wrong but then scolded yourself for it (of course you didn't do anything wrong). It was a daily mantra to remind yourself that Kylo Ren was simply not an intimate man.
"No. We haven't." You lean your head on hers. "I'm scared, Little Bird. Isn't that strange?"
The nickname still makes her smile. "Usually, yes," she replies. The two of you smirk at one another through the mirror. "But this is different. Much different."
"How do I know if I'm doing the right thing?" you whisper.
Nyx brushes your hair from your face. "The Force radiates from you, milady." Nyx takes your hand and kisses it lightly. "You must trust in its guidance."
All is quiet here.
In the breeze you feel a presence that is needed. You sigh all poisonous breath out and inhale the atmosphere of Yanni back into your lungs. A gentle tapping flicks your shoulder before you see his vision before you. A bearded man with kind eyes appears, his ghost flickering lightly. He is dressed in a particular garb - the kind of garb that grabs one's attention. He folds his arms across his chest before speaking, his temperament always patient.
"What will you do now?" he asks you. He sits on a rock amidst the field - the one you had been visiting for the past three weeks. No one but Kylo and C-50 knew where it was so you felt at peace knowing your whereabouts were virtually anonymous.
"I'm not sure," you tell him truthfully. "What should I do?"
The man sighs and his shoulders glitch when he does. "The Supreme Leader is oblivious to your training with me. He believes your use of the Force is weak and with instinct..." There's a dramatic pause and the ghost purses his lips in thought. "Don't reveal to him your power. He must not know of it. Otherwise, he'll try to lure the darkness within you to its full capacity." As he continues, you tense under his uncomfortable gaze. "Remember that we believe in balance between the light and the dark. If you were to favor one over the other, you would become one half of a whole."
You nod. "I understand, master."
"Now as for the child..." The wise man sighs and shakes his head softly. "I cannot foresee its destiny. But it's important that you meditate on its health and spirit."
It was all very overpowering and the pressure of the situation was immense. But you agree wholeheartedly, even becoming a bit enthusiastic by the idea. You rub your belly in contentment, feeling the benevolence of its companionship swell within you.
"Of course, master. Thank you."
And just like that, the man disappears in the wind with a compassionate smile.
The idea that you were not alone rattles in your skull. Life forms in your womb now; you are never truly alone. Your eyes begin to shut, the natural instinct of meditation falling upon you like a visceral nature. The palm against your belly rests easily, moving with your unperturbed breath.
At first you sense nothing and it feels like a sham. You just sense the warmth of Yanni's wind and smell the sweetness of pollen. But soon you notice the softening of your soul and then...
Tha-thump.
You gasp, eyes opening so quickly you become dizzy. The hand on your stomach freezes.
Tha-thump.
A heartbeat? Was that possible? Could you even hear a heart-beat at one month? It was terrible to admit but you really don't know much about pregnancy...or biology in general. Politics were always the number one priority in your life – nothing else mattered.
But now now you're pregnant and clueless. It scares the hell out of you.
The heartbeat stops immediately after you escape your trance. You're left with nothing else besides the terrain of Yanni and what it had to offer. Now it was only the birds singing in the distance that tickled your ears.
There's a rustling behind you then, but you sense the aura of a man you haven't been very acquainted with in the past month. His presence brings you security, yet somehow alarms you as well. You didn't have to turn around to know.
"What is it?" you ask, inhaling the breeze. You're still cross legged on the ground, one hand on your belly and the other resting on your knee.
Kylo saunters around to watch you. His expressions tells you that he's in a pleasant mood and there shouldn't be any tantrums...for now. He dons his suit and he looks like he's sweating in the dramatic change of climate. For months he'd been residing in the cold - this must be a shock to his system.
"I was looking for you." He sits on the rock that the master had before, helmet in the crook of his arm before tossing it on the ground. Kylo looks out into the expanding field until it ends over the cliff where a sea of bright, green water twinkles in the sunlight. "We're taking a trip tomorrow so be prepared."
You nod slightly, avoiding eye-contact. "Are we?"
"Snoke thinks it's wise that we visit Mustafar."
At this you tense. Mustafar. There's only one reason Kylo would go there. You open an eye to him. He's looking down at his gloves, lips pursed and eyes dead. You wondered...but no. Of course he wanted to go. It was the one place he could visit to regain his passion, to end his fight between the light and the dark. If anything could fix his internal conflict once and for all it'd be a visit to Mustafar.
"For how long?" you ask, both eyes closing again.
You hear Kylo sigh in the stillness between you. "Maybe a couple of days."
You nod again, caressing the theoretical bump. You realize that this could result in a nervous habit. This child seemed to bring you comfort.
Kylo seems to notice because his breath dispels. There's the sound of relocating, his boots brushing against the grass. He says your name in a breathy tone.
You look up at him and your eyes feel lax. He seems serious but relieved, all signs of agony suddenly washed from his visage. You nod at him as though to confirm his indications.
"Yes," you say. You try not to smile, evaluating his reaction before making any sudden display of emotion.
There's a moment when you think he might ignore it. You expect that, instead of making any attempt to commend the both of you, he'd walk back to base with a grumble in his throat. But, to your astonishment, Kylo holds out a hand as though to help you off the ground. You take it and the leather gloves are warm from the sun.
"Are you sure?" he asks, one eyebrow slightly raised. He holds you at arm's distance, assessing your expression.
"I'm sure."
Then Kylo Ren does something very surprising.
Two gloved hands reach out for your belly, pausing before guardedly placing his hand on you. He waits for a moment as though he'll feel something you couldn't possibly sense. You only watch him as his eyes soften like ice in the sun.
This is a new man. You can see it.
You reach for his hand on your abdomen and whisper, "Can you feel it?"
Kylo seems to understand what you mean because he lifts his eyes from your belly to you. "I can."