Raindrops pitter-pattering down the grassy land. Droplets hitting my shoulders rolling down to my back.
I stood still as I watch Elliot. His whole body vulnerable to the world, naked for everyone to see.
But no one is here. No one but me.
And I see him, all of him. The beautiful, magnificent, fucked up, broken him. I see him.
My feet moved forward. My body moving away from the tree that was shielding me from the downpour.
I didn't mind the rain. I didn't even realized that it was soaking my book. I don't have the luxury to care. My mind consisted of Elliot. Elliot. Elliot.
Is he okay? Obviously not.
But what's wrong? I have no idea.
He's going to be sick.
I stood behind him. He's kneeling in the ground, eyes still closed and facing the sky.
I reached out to him, hands slightly quivering. My hand gripping his shoulder.
His eyes opened, eyes looking at me. But it feels like he didn't saw me, it's like he was looking at me but not really.
That's when I saw it, the hurt and the pain behind his glassy eyes. I was taken aback and so I stayed like that for a while.
An alarm suddenly went off, his watch beeping continuously. He moved his jacket out of the way.
'11:11' the clock shows.
He sighed, a deep and heavy sigh. Then shook his head a little, droplets falling from his hair.
"Let's go?" I said, but it came out more like a question.
He blinked a few times, eyes focusing on me, for what feels like the first time.
It was like he didn't even realized I was there.
I could see him suppressing his emotions. Building a wall in his eyes. Brick by brick.
He gulped then nodded his head. Slowly standing up. I step back, giving him the space that he needs.
He rubbed his hands in his face, then brushed up the little hairs sticking in to his forehead.
He didn't acknowledge my presence when he started walking, hands tucked inside his leather jacket.
I was left gaping, staring at the back of his head. His hair straight and water droplets falling from it and tracing his leather jacket.
"You coming?" he asked, his head tilting to the side. His side profile is gorgeous as ever.
I nodded even though he couldn't see it. Then silently followed his retreating body.
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I feel like we were just walking round and round.
Elliot is walking ahead of me, not even looking back at me.
And I was just forced to look at him as he slowly walk, hands never moving from the pockets of his jacket.
I shivered while walking. The rain has stopped pouring now, but the chilly air is nipping at my soaked skin.
No doubt that I would catch a cold in the morning.
I'm afraid to talk. Afraid that I would say something wrong. Afraid that he would break right in front of my eyes.
Because if he did, then I wouldn't know what to do. I don't know how to pick up the pieces.
Ways off in front of me I saw Elliot's silhouette crouching down to a bench. I jogged a little faster to his figure.
We're at a park and given that it's nearing midnight, no one was around. I took a seat beside him. The bench was drenched with water, but then again so am I.
I looked at him. His hands both propped in his knees. Eyes glued to the floor, hair drenched. Body illuminated by the light of the lamp posts.
I gripped the soaked book, atop my lap, slightly. My eyes focused on him and him only.
His face in constant state of nothingness, no emotions. No happiness nor sadness. Nothing but blankness.
A gentle breeze whooshes past us, and I shivered. My hands covering my arms and rubbing it.
He looked at me, eyes devoid of its natural sparkle.
"You cold?" he asked. I nodded, hissing when another wind passed us.
He shrugged off his leather jacket. My eyes widened at his movement.
"Oh you don't have to." I said, shaking my head. My hands gripping his hand that was about to give me the jacket.
"Just take it." he said, smiling. But he wasn't happy, not really.
My mind going over to every little smiles and smirks he gave me. Was he ever happy then, or am I just too stupid to realize they were all fake.
I gave him a small smile. A forced one. And took the jacket from his offering hand then I slipped it into my hands. The leather jacket hugging my body.
The warmth of the jacket enveloped me. The warmth that his own body produced. I hugged it, pulling it closer to my body.
"I'm not a girl, you know." I said.
He laugh, but kept his eyes down on the ground. Foot playing with a pebble.
"I know. That's the whole point of me being gay, isn't it?" he said, a playful tone in his voice.
I snorted, but didn't say anything else.
He sighed against the silence.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
He looked at me, eyebrow quirked up. A slight smirk upon his lips.
"A lot but you wouldn't wanna know." he whispered.
"But I do." I whispered back.
He shook his head. Chuckling softly, but he was not happy.
"No, you don't."
"But I d-"
"You don't okay." He cut me off. Voice slightly louder.
"Why do you even wanna know?" he asked, tense body facing me. His jaw moving indicating he was biting his own teeth so hard. He was angry.
Before I could say anything he spoke again. "Let me guess, caught some feelings?" he asked rhetorically. His eyes squinting at me, brows furrowed. Venom could be heard in his voice.
I was flabbergasted. My mouth opening and closing. My brain trying to come up with something to say.
What am I supposed to say?
Yes? Yes, I caught some feelings because of some kiss? That I've felt more holding hands with him than having sex with any girl in my school? That knowing him for only a few hours has been the most exhilarating moment of my life.
No, thank you.
And so I kept my mouth shut. Eyes looking at him with furrowed brows.
He chuckled darkly again, mocking me. My heart beats quickly, but not in a good way. In a my heart is breaking kind of way.
"I don't need you to care for me, okay!" He practically yelled at me.
"Why not?" I yelled back. I wanted it to be as fierce and as venomous as his voice but it cracks at the end. Showing the vulnerability and broken state I am right now.
"Because nothing is going to happen! Okay. You will never see me again! Do you understand? Ever." he said, his voice slowly toning down. He rubbed his face with his hands, as if he was tired.
"I don't get it, even if you move or whatever. We could still get in touch, y'know. That's what Facebook is for." I said, my hands picking at his leather jacket.
"No, you don't get it." he said shaking his head.
"Goddamnit! It's not like I'm asking for us to be together! I just want to know you" I said, frustration clear in my voice.
He was still shaking his head. As if a million different thoughts were running through them and he didn't agree to every single one of it.
He suddenly stood up, I looked at him. Silently begging him not to leave. He brushed of the imaginary dirt in his clothes. T-shirt still soaked from the rain. Pants still soiled from the grassy dirt we were laying an hour ago.
Where he kissed me. Where I thought everything was okay. How did it went from there to here?
"This is the reason why I didn't want to kiss you." he said so softly, but it hits me harder than anything I've ever heard my entire life.
He walked away, one foot after another. The little thump of his foot echoing all through out the park. But I couldn't hear it, because the sound of my heart breaking is the only thing that I could hear.
I didn't move. Didn't go after him. Didn't ask him to stay.
Because the pain that I felt is enough to leave me catatonic.
I stared at him and I stare and I stare. Until he was just a smudge in the dark.
And that's when I finally breathed the air that I didn't knew I held, and let go of the tears that I didn't want him to see, because of the feelings that I didn't even knew I could have.
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Noah's random ig story :