Son Yejin POV
Bin walked me home. We took the bus instead of the tube, because my eyes were still swollen and I didn't think that I can line up in the Oxford Circus station at this rush hour, and it was only 20 minutes ride, and few minutes walk. I was impressed that he was willing to take public transport just to be with me, for all I know the last four to five years of his life he never took one. Maybe when he was in college, but I think he must have a car, because him going to a night club by bus? not cool.
He tried several times to start a conversation, and I answered his questions but didn't ask him back. Just like a Q&A session, not a warm conversation between friends, lovers, or whatever we were at the moment. He still looked cheerful, thou, and I must admit that had lightened up my mood as well.
We reached the apartment door, and I was just about to thank him and say goodbye when my mini neighbor opened her door and dragged a paper bag filled with fruits and cereals.
"Aunty, this is yours."
"Oh, thank you sweetie, but you must be mistaken. It's not mine."
"It's yours, from this uncle this morning," she pointed at Bin.
"I see, well, thank you, sweetie. Good night!"
The little girl nodded and walked back to her door. I picked up the grocery bag from the floor.
"What is this?" I asked.
"Fruits?"
"I know, but did you really buy these for me? Why?"
"I want you to eat healthy food, so our baby will stay healthy too."
A wave of sadness washed all over again but then suddenly I heard his stomach growled. He hadn't had any dinner yet.
"Sorry," he mumbled, clearly clueless why I frowned but he caught it somehow. "I'll go now before I pass out."
"Are you hungry?"
"You think? You refused to sit with me in Pret when I want to have some cold sandwich."
"I can fix some dinner, not a fancy one, just some sour and spicy chicken noodles, if you want to, please come inside."
He instantly grinned for finally getting permission to go in and maybe, thinking about his dinner. "Thank you, please."
I opened the door and went to the kitchen, boiling some water, and left it to change into a more comfortable house dress. He sat on the couch, turning on the TV, and put his feet on the table. He loosened some buttons from his shirt. He likes to dress formal, the shirt was the first option, and he won't wear a tee if there was a clean shirt in his closet. Honestly, he looked like a husband who just got back from work, relaxing on the couch while waiting for his wife to prepare the dinner. I liked this situation. A normal couple.
Thank God Shinhye has left, or I would kick her out to savor this moment. I was happy with his presence but him bringing the baby topics over and over again, I can't. I needed to tell him that there was no more baby in me. I had to be ready if he was upset and maybe left me because he has no reason left to get back with me. I doubted that he loves me that much.
"Dinner's ready," I said.
He jumped from the chair and quickly sat on the dining table, holding his chopsticks like a little boy eager for his meal. He took some and taste the sauce, and gave me his rewarding smile.
"This is so delicious! I don't know you can cook this well!"
"We had a chef in the Blue House, and I didn't have a chance to cook there, they wouldn't let me. But I used to cook for friends and my self back in my old flat."
"You mean Choi Youngjae? He ever tasted this?"
"Yeah, a few times."
"Ahh, I'm jealous. You have to cook more often for me."
"How're things going between you two?"
"Great, I'm happy to have a brother. I never thought that we can get along. He always thinks that I am annoying and so do I, but since he knows Park Shinhye, things get better between us."
"I hope everything is okay in Seoul, him and his father."
"Yep. By the way, do your parents know that you're here?"
"No, but I'm going to make a call. I'm not ready to answer if they were asking about you."
"What about me anyway? I am here. We are okay, aren't we?"
"Are we?"
He just smiled and finished his meal. I took the used bowl and chopsticks to the sink and about to wash them when he came from behind me and took them over.
"You don't have to, let me. Do you even know how to wash dishes?"
"I used to live alone, too, here in this city. Just wait over there, don't get too exhausted, not good for-"
"Bin. Stop. Stop mentioning the baby."
"Why?"
I took off my apron and sat on the dining table, holding a cup of warm tea, waiting for him to join me there. He caught an ultrasonography print sticked on the fridge and took it. He smiled as he was looking at it, but soon his smile was disappeared as he saw my wistful eyes. He knelt in front of me, moving my chair to his direction.
"Why are you sad? aren't you happy carrying my child?"
"I was. I was very happy when I found out about my pregnancy back in Madrid that night."
I closed my eyes and felt the tears rolling on my cheek. I cried, silently. I thought that I have no more tears left for losing our baby but with him being close to me embracing me in his arms, I felt like finally able to let go of all my tears and emotions. I never wanted to conceive that soon, but as I was accepting the pregnancy, I instantly fell in love with our baby in my womb.
"But the baby wasn't growing. I had a surgery to remove the baby five days ago."
Bin stared at me with gloomy eyes. His mouth was opened like he was going to say something, but no words came out. He gripped my fingers with the ultrasonography print on his hand. But then he looked down on my foot. Slowly his head was leaning on my knees, and his shoulders were shaken.
I felt my fingers were wet but not because of my tears. His.
We stayed like that until our tears were stopped he looked up back at me.
"I am so sorry, for everything. I wish I can turn back time and be there with you, from the moment you bought the test pack, every checkup, and even though it's sad, be there with you when you had to go through the surgery."
I felt the sincerity in his words. He continued his words while caressing my hair.
"I wish there would be another chance for you and me to be us again."
"Maybe someday. I'm not ready to be us again. We can't just simply getting back together like everyone is okay with that."
"The word us consist of you and me. No one else. What are you talking about?"
"Your family, your exes, your playboy lifestyle. I'm not strong enough to bear them, no more. If I can't even face it anymore then how can I bring a child in between? That would be disastrous!"
"Why didn't you just simply tell me back in Madrid? Am I that horrible as a husband?"
"Yes. I don't know how to deliver the news about the pregnancy to you..you were mocking me about buying happy pills when what I wanted to buy was a pregnancy test pack. Turned out to be positively pregnant. I panicked and you didn't even seem to really care about what happened to me, but then you fucked me."
"Is that why you left me?"
"I chose to leave you because I was scared of the power your father possesses. He never blessed me to be your real wife anyway. I was assigned by him to be your wife for optics, for his political interest, and long even before that, I've been a tool for laundering his money. Your Dad is a president, Bin, and he fooled the market, aside from your Mom, I am the only one who knew that. I didn't even have the gut to tell you and you didn't know that either, did you?"
"How unfair everything was for you. I am sorry my parents have been dragging you to their mess. Look at me, a living proof of how messy they are, I am a result of an affair. But life isn't a fairytale, Yejin."
"Mine was, before the Blue House. I was a happy and naive girl from a small city. Mine isn't a rich family but we are comfortable."
"Then why did you even work in the Blue House?"
"I thought working in the Blue House, as a president's staff was a real privilege. Only the chosen one can have. I would be forever thankful to Park Heesoo for giving me a chance to work there. I was only a young intern from his old office. So when your Dad asked me to help him, just by simply giving me a copy of my ID card, my signatures on the papers, and keeping a few secrets, how could I say no? Just like when they asked me to marry you for optics, I could not say no."
"I am sorry, really."
"It's over now. I have submitted my resignation and President Hyun has accepted it. He paid my severance pay generously, with a promise that I would go away from your family forever."
"At that time, they had no idea that you were pregnant, baby. When they found out, Mom took my side, and Dad finally just let everything go. He can't run for reelection anyway. That's why they let me move out, looking for you and coming here. I'm starting a new life here and I wish you would join me, as my wife."
"That doesn't matter anymore if my pregnancy was the main reason. I am not pregnant anymore now, and I'm too scared to think about how President Hyun would react. They let you left Seoul for me, maybe thinking about having a grandchild. But how about now? Maybe they will think that I tricked you."
"As much as you hate them, please try to at least see how they have started to accept us. They are just fooling everyone for money and political power, but they still have hearts, Yejin. My Mom doesn't throw me away that I am just a result of an affair. My Dad doesn't kill you even though he was worried that his biggest secret probably being spilled out. Even they now have accepted Youngjae as part of the family, how can they do that if they were just evils? Killing the three of us would be much simple."
He had a point, and I won't debate it. I just nodded to him.
"I am an adult, Yejin, I can make a decision for my self, and I have decided to move here, to pursue you back. Can we start over? Do you still love me?"
"Do you?"
"With all my heart, Yejin."
"You're done being a playboy?"
"I know you would not believe me but yes, I am done. I want you and only you. Why would I even looking out for you when you voluntarily left me, if I still want to be a so-called playboy?"
"I am not sure how do I feel for you, Bin. We've become a couple because of an arrangement. I don't know much about you other than a messy playboy son of President Hyun. I know Tiger1, but I don't know Hyun Bin."
"Alright, let's put aside the fact that we are married. I want a chance to get to know each other better. Let's do it like how others do. Son Yejin, can I date you?"
That's sweet. He wanted to date me.
"What do you mean?"
"Date, dating, me seeing you and the other way around. Let's start from there. You live here, I live over there across the street...but let me text you, call you or ask you out, things what people do when they date someone."
"We're not in love, I think I am not yet, back."
"We don't have to be mutually in love for me to love you. Baby, we are way too good to be just friends, but let's give us a chance slowly, maybe you will find a way to love me back. Will you?"
"What if it doesn't work out?"
"Test me, and see am I good enough for you? I have a problem with cutting ties. But at least as your husband, I think I deserve a chance."
I thought about his words for a moment, but then I finally agreed.
"Okay. Let's start over."
I was touched by his words. Those were not poetic beautiful words, those were sounds like him desperately in love and want our relationship to work out, without pushing me to at a certain point in time. He put no target but clearly hoping me to love him back.
I actually did still, love him back.
"It's already late. I should go back. You take a rest," he caressed my cheek.
"Thank you."
His fingers intertwined with mine and he kissed my hand on where my wedding ring was. He stood up and stretched his back, must be sore after minutes of kneeling in front of me.
I was relieved that he already knew the truth but instead of leaving me behind because there was no more reason to be together, he still wanted me and willing to step back from our current status, to restart everything together with baby steps through dating.
"Thank you for the delicious chicken noodles, I'm looking forward to more of your cooking," he smiled.
I was fluttered with his comment.
"Let's go grocery shopping together sometimes, so I know what you would want to eat and what should I buy to cook it," I said.
"I'd love to! Tomorrow?"
"I have to work double shifts for tomorrow..I'll be done very late. Maybe the next day or some other time."
I opened the front door for him but he hold it.
"I'm curious, by the way. Why lingerie shop?"
"That's the only place that was willing to accept me, with no working visa, so I took what I can get while I'm applying for a working visa here. It's not easy to get one."
"I see. Well, I hope better chances for you will come up soon as the working visa issued."
"I'm looking up for it. I want to be able to use my knowledge in law and governance here, but yeah, baby steps."
"I'm so proud of you. Still very young, and look at your resume, a president's staff."
"Go away! I want to take a shower!"
"Come to my place if you want a bathtub."
"Bye."
"Bye."
The next day and the whole week, he did what teenagers in love do, literally. From morning text, asking whether I have had my lunch, or asking whether I want to meet him after work. He usually comes to my work when I was done with my shift, to walk me back and grab some meal together.
In the daytime, he said that he was doing what he's best at, trading stocks. I still doing my shifts as a shopkeeper in the lingerie shop. I thought that he will tease me because lingeries were what I sell, but he surprised me by not mentioning anything related to lingeries or sex. He could just tease me by throwing some naughty jokes but he did not.
When I was doing a double shift, he would send me take out meals to my work then go, without hoping for me to take a break and eat it together with him, even though I saw another box in his paper bag.
I still restricted myself to do more than that. I haven't invited him back to my flat, and still making excuses when he asked me to come to his place.
I avoided being alone just the two of us, I was afraid that it would lead us to more physical encounters. We were adults, we were even married, but we wouldn't be able to solve the trust issue if sex were clouding.
I admitted that I miss his presence on my bed but afraid to step forward with him. I was a about to explode, but I gotta take my time.
That day around midnight, he suddenly called me. I usually refused to pick up his call or reply to his text after 10, saying that I needed to sleep even though most of the time, I did not.
I was hesitant but tomorrow I won't have a morning shift so... I picked it up.
"Hi, you're not sleeping yet," he said.
"How do you know?"
"Your lamp is still on. I can see it from my window."
"Yeah, something is bothering me. I don't have a morning shift anyway. Why do you call? What are you still doing this late?"
"I just want to talk. I had a bad day, I made a mistake with a stock option and I have to cut loss."
"Oh, I don't know what to say about that.."
"'That's just shit happens. You're willing to listen to me is more than enough. I just need someone to talk."
"How can I make your day better?"
"Let's go somewhere from here, maybe Cambridge? It's only an hour from here."
"I'd love to. I'll check on my schedules."
"Yejin?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you doing now?"
"Lying on my bed. Why? What about you?"
"I'm drinking whiskey here on my bed."
"Oh."
"What are you wearing now?"
"Hmm..is that matters?"
"It is. I want to picture you."
Oh, God. This would turn to a sex call if I don't stop. I wanted it too, but I did not want this slow pace between us changing that soon. I have maintained a safe distance and he respected my wishes, I'd like to keep it that way.
But this time, he was probably drunk.
"That's not important, Bin. Let's meet again tomorrow. Alright?"
"Oh. Okay."
"Don't get wasted. Take a rest, Bin."
"I miss you. I picture you right now here on my bed."
Oh, dear. I could not deny the physical attraction between us but there's so much about him that I wanted to explore.
"Stop it, Bin. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."