CHAPTER 5
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Caleb's Point of View:
It's been days and I was still replaying the catastrophic end to the conversation between my cousin and myself...
"Give me the phone, Roman. Caleb and I still have some unfinished business and I don't want you getting in our way, this is between us and only us. We were both rude to each other. I was the one who started it and I was the one who went too far, so give it back and stay out of it. What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow," Cee's voice was still a little hoarse from his earlier bout of tears.
"Well, it's a good thing that I'm back now, isn't it? And no, I will not stay out of it. You and this phone conversation are done for the day. Rude to each other or not, I will not stand by and watch this go on anymore; yes, he is your family, and yes you love him, and yes you are going to fight but this has gone beyond the point of just fighting.
And I will not stand back any longer and watch you cry your eyes out, starve yourself for days, and deprive yourself of sleep after a talk with him," Roman's voice was gentle but unyielding, leaving no room for debate. "This is affecting your health and he has to know it, but he does not care; that narcissistic bastard only cares about himself."
Oh, the irony of that statement was almost laughable. Why was it that everyone loved throwing the word 'narcissist' about so frivolously? Most of the time, I personally believed that the people who threw that word around as if it was confetti, tended to be the most narcissistic. Steele and his ilk were prime examples. They got off on judging others as though they were God; and if that was not the pinnacle of the narcissism pyramid then I did not know what was. Makes you really wonder about those who should be labeled a narcissist; was it the ones who constantly threw the word around? Or was it those on the receiving end of the dreaded label?
"You heard that Caleb? While you are busy keeping everyone at arm's length, Cayan is over here depriving himself of food and sleep every time you deem it fit to give him a call..."
'But I did not call him, he was the one who called me,' almost slipped past my lips, but responding would have been of little to no use; I would have somehow still ended up being the one at fault.
"...and you know what Caleb if you are held bend on staying on this fucked up merry-go-round you're on, have at it but don't try to pull him down with you. If you do not want or need his or anyone else's help for that matter, just say so; trust me, everyone will get the message and leave you alone.
But please do yourself a favor and get some professional help, you need it with extreme urgency. The latter is not me being mean; I really believe that you would greatly benefit from seeing a professional who could help you deal with and purge whatever is eating you...To be quite frank, you need to do something or that massive amount of hate living inside of you will consume what little is left of the Caleb we used to know."
Such a show of compassion. Anyone within hearing shot would have believed that he was, oh so worried about me and my well-being, but at the end of the day, it was just that, a show. Nothing more.
"And as you do not want or appreciate the help and support that is being offered, you will have to do this on your own, and I sincerely wish you the best...but it would be best if you would refrain from contacting Cayan during this time. He has too much on his plate as it is, he doesn't need your self-induced issues as well. That said..."
He continued talking but I had stopped listening at that point. Who would have wanted to continue listening to someone speaking to them in such a cold and harsh manner? Also, who would have guessed that was coming? How completely...unexpected, yeah, completely unexpected...God, I was being swallowed up by sarcasm again, but I couldn't help myself. What he said and how he said it was not just expected, it was altogether expected. Expecting anything less of Steele was like going out into the pouring rain without an umbrella and expecting to not get drenched. I was royally gas-lighted by him. In one breath there was a dramatic show of 'concern,' 'compassion,' and 'kindness,' while in a breath later, he showed his true gas-lighting colors. The nerve of them all...astounding, but again, completely expected.
Cee, my oh so beloved cousin, was still in the background demanding the phone, but his request was yet again, being firmly denied. This suited me just fine as desires to talk with him had long gone, and after being labeled a time and energy waster twice in one day, I believed that there was no longer any point in continuing the energy-wasting conversation. God, who needed enemies when you had a family member like my little cousin. So yes, there was no point in continuing, but as always I had to add my last two cents. There was no way I was going to allow Steele of all people to have the last say.
"There is no need for you to go out of your way to warn me, Steele, I know when I am not wanted, and when it is time to move on. And I will be moving on from this and from everyone involved, I no longer want anything to do with any of you. Turns out, blood is not thicker than water as everyone so fervently states, so maybe I should cut Cee out of my life as well.
Ah, and one more thing, fuck you, Steele," I swore, resorting to profanity, "really, fuck you and fuck the people you call friends. And to your advice; fuck that as well! Just fuck you all to hell." I wheezed before sending the phone crashing against the far wall of the apartment as my body slid to the floor in trembling exhaustion.
I must have sat there staring at nothingness for hours, wondering at my stupidity; why in the world had I not tell Cee what was going on? Despite my earlier accusation of the contrary, he was not a mind reader. God, I should have done as he suggested and divulged everything that I could remember, and he would have come running to my aid. But for some reason, I just couldn't. For some reason, I wanted to deal with this on my own...I just could not bear the thought of anyone seeing me in such a deplorable state. Was it pride? Maybe, yet still, I would rather die than make that happen...Maybe doing what, Cee, screamed at me in anger...and ending it all...was not such a bad idea. It would be so easy to just...but taking that route never had a place in my DNA, if it was, I would have done so months ago.
Furthermore, Cee only said in a fit of anger. Hell, we were both angry and said things that should have never been said, so taking his words seriously would have been a disservice. It was, after all, just a squabble between cousins. Nothing more, nothing less.
.........................................................................................
Or so I thought...
"Hello, Cee, you finally answered, I have been calling for the past weeks, three to be exact, and the calls go directly to voicemail. Has something happened? The girls? Aunt Elena?" I asked, trying but failing to keep my anxious tone at bay, yet he said nothing.
"Cee, are you there?" I asked as the silence lengthened.
"Yes, I'm here. What do you want, Caleb?" he asked in an indifferent tone.
"I swear I am not calling to borrow money," I answered with a nervous laugh in attempts to dispel the tension that was felt even through the phone as I began to scratch at the already swollen skin of my stomach. "I simply need to speak with you." I quickly amended when he did not join in my jest, scratching with even more vigor. I was clueless as to when it happened, but at a certain point during the past weeks I began a nonstop cycle of scratching at every inch of flesh within reach, uncaring as my nails pierced through the skin, and as blood, hot and sticky, flowed from the badly tormented areas.
"I'm busy right now, so could you make it quick," his voice was hard and unyielding. His words, unfriendly and unwelcoming, but it was understandable; our last verbal match did not end on an understanding note. Things were said...hurtful things. And it was certainly going to take a hefty amount of groveling on my part for our relationship to go back to how it was.
"Cee, if you are busy, I can call at a later time. Just let me know when you're free and I will call back then. I can match your schedule." I offered lamely, praying that even if he was greatly displeased with me, he could at the very least give us an opportunity at reconciliation.
"No Caleb, that wouldn't be necessary. Whatever you have to say, can be said now." the unfriendliness dripping from his attitude was almost tangible, but he was opening a door for a conversation to be had.
"I will be brief then," I ensured. "Cee...I am terribly sorry for the way our last conversation turned out, and I am deeply embarrassed and regretful for the way I blew up when you were not the one at fault. I was the one at fault, and I take full responsibility for my actions. My only excuse; temperatures were high, and overall, it was just not a good day for me.
But there is no excuse for venting my anger on you. Anger, that should have been directed solely at me. There was so much on my plate and I didn't want to talk about it or bother anyone..." I briefly paused to allow my lungs to be filled with much-needed air, "I am just...I am just so sorry for saying such hurtful words to you, Cee. So very sorry."
"So, are you going to tell me about it or are you just going to lie like you always do?" He asked instead, completely ignoring my apology. Granted, it was not the very best of apologies, but it was very heartfelt and sincere on my part and for him to completely ignore it, was immensely hurtful.
"Excuse me? What are you talking about, Cee?" I asked, taken aback by the callous bitterness and anger coming from him.
Lies. Every human being has willingly or unwillingly told and will tell a lie or several lies throughout their lifetime, and I was not an exception, nevertheless, I have always tried my best to avoid spewing or spreading lies that could harm someone. Though in all honesty, I once told a lie that could have caused harm...thankfully no one was hurt. Well, I was the one to end up with the short end of the stick, so saying no one was damaged was not necessarily the truest of statements. That experience taught me one of the hardest and harshest lessons of my life. That being said, I do not ever recall intentionally fibbing to my cousin; avoided certain topics, yes, but outright lying, never. So...
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Caleb, so drop the fake, innocent act. It doesn't suit you."
"Cee, I really do not know what you're talking about." At this point, I was more than a little confused.
"Well, since you want to play dumb, allow me to clue you in...I had a talk with Logan, Alex, and Roman. Remember how you told me that Logan, taped your first time together without your knowledge and spread it around campus. Ring any bells? Well, I believed you. Even though I felt that there was more to the story and constantly pushed you to have an open conversation with him about it to get all the facts, I believed you. I believed you so much, that I even got into trouble with Roman, yet despite that, I still defended you.
And even though he may not have noticed due to his crazy work schedule and infrequent visits, or maybe he did, I blamed Logan for your sudden disappearance believing that he was the one and only reason for you to have acted that way. I pretty much drummed up every excuse in the realm of possibilities to explain away your behavior convincing myself that there was something wrong, and if there was, the cause of it all was, Logan. So naturally, I confronted him about it...no, I attacked him for it."
A distinct feeling of dread dredged up inside of me. I somehow knew that I would greatly loathe what was about to be explained...
"Caleb, the guy didn't even realize what I was talking about, Roman had to step in and explain the whole situation. And I must say, I have never seen Logan with that type of expression before. After he got over his initial shock, and mind you, it was a hell of a shock for him, he just sat there taking all of my insults without a single word of defense.
After I finished pretty much verbally abusing the man and threatening his person with every method of torture I could think of, he, Alex, and Roman, after much debate and much screaming on my part, stepped in and told me what really happened."
And I was right.
"What did they say?" I asked with shaky trepidation, scared to know how they painted the situation in his eyes. A fresh bout of the metallic smell of blood crammed the air around me, I barely winced as my nail broke the skin yet again. Stop! My mind screamed, but...
"Are you scared, Caleb? Are you scared that the truth has finally come out?" he mocked.
But I held on to my silence.
"You lied about everything." He said after a while. "The oh so powerful reason is that you couldn't get your way. Your spoiled ass was angry because Logan didn't bend to your will. You wanted him to stop being friends with his ex, Jamie; an ex, who at the time happened to be in a long term relationship with someone else.
Even though he tried to explain and make you understand that the nature of their friendship was completely platonic, he even went as far as to introduce both, Jamie and his boyfriend to show you that there was nothing going between them besides friendship. When that didn't work, he distanced himself a little from Jamie but that still wasn't enough for you."
"Cee, I..." I tried interjecting.
"Shut up!" He hissed vehemently, startling me into silence. "You wanted to know what they said, well now you're going to sit there and listen, so shut up...so, when your attempts to break up their friendship didn't work, you resorted to accusing him of cheating with his ex and using you for sex.
You also accused Jamie of numerous actions...terrible actions that were never proven, simply put, they were false accusations to tarnish his image in the eyes of Logan. When that didn't get what you wanted, you went on to threaten Jamie with bodily harm if he didn't entirely cut off his friendship with Logan."
His voice was hard, cold, and filled with anger as he spat his accusations at me. My scratching became even more vigorous, nails slicing through my skin in the same manner as his words.
"Logan had to intervene so Jamie, who was scared of you at that point, didn't involve law enforcement. You supposedly calmed down after a long talk with Jamie, but that didn't last very long for within a month your entitled ass, once again, made a huge mess of everything. Logan, fool that he was, got tickets for you and your best friend, Keith, to visit, Aunt Yelena and Uncle Kent, while they were in Chile.
He wanted to spend some time with his family before following you to Chile, as you didn't feel comfortable going to his parent's home for the duration of the break. Which was why he got you those tickets as gifts. But did you appreciate the gesture? Of course, you didn't. Rather, you ruined it all by throwing the tantrum of the century."
His word was like bullets, shooting out hard and fast, giving no quarter or reprieve.
"Even after, Logan, told you that he would be joining you after some time with his family, you were still not satisfied. You went on another tirade and once again accused him of wanting you out of the way to continue his affair, you were pretty much obsessed with Jamie at that point. No one could understand your hate for the guy.
Logan, already accustomed to your diva ways, though not to that extent, decided that it was best to allow you to calm down. He didn't have the faintest idea where your accusations were coming from when there was no longer a cause for them in the first place. He had pretty much cut off almost all interaction with Jamie after the whole threatening incident."
The longer he talked, the harder his voice became. Filled with anger and disgust.
"In Logan's mind, your accusations were baseless and were all just ramblings of a spoiled, jealous brat, used to getting his way no matter what. And that only when calmed, he would be able to have a coherent conversation with you. So he decided to cancel his planned family visit to travel with you. Which made you happy, but a couple of days later, due to a family emergency, he had to cancel at the last minute.
Hoping that you would understand, he told you to leave and that he would meet you there. Again, you refused and threw another tantrum which ended you both at the police station. Not knowing what else to do, he told you to wait for him believing that he would be away only for a week and left to be with his family. But to be on the safe side, knowing you and your crazy antics, he asked Roman and Alex to keep an eye on you until he got back..."
I assumed the conversation was incapable of worsening, but I was wrong. It did, oh God, it did.
"Yet when they visited Logan's apartment four days later after you had refused to answer their calls and weren't showing up for finals...they decided to go to Logan's apartment, and you know what they found? they found you and your best friend, Keith, in the very same bed that you and Logan shared, naked and wrapped in each other's arms. Condoms, drugs, and booze, scattered all around the room.
They were so angry and disgusted by the scene and by your obvious behavior, they left or they would have succumbed to the urge and gave you and your so-called best friend, a well-deserved ass-whopping. Yet, when they visited the apartment later that day after they had calmed down enough to have a conversation, you were long gone, no surprise there. I guess the disappearing act truly is your specialty, huh?" his sarcastic tone seemed to be prodding for answers which I could not provide.
My tongue along with my brain had simultaneously stopped working at this point. It was as though I was in a foggy maze.
"No answer, that's ok, liars usually don't have anything to say when they are caught in their massive web of lies. Such a shame really, had you invested more time in concocting a better story, or better yet, being faithful and truthful there wouldn't have been so many holes to poke through. But it was good enough to fool me, right? I must admit that I was spectacularly fooled, believing every single word you spewed out of your lying mouth.
Did it make you feel powerful knowing that you had me fooled? Didn't it ever occur to you that I would one day find out? Or did you believe that I was going to be a blind naive fool, forever? No need to answer that either, cause when it comes down to it, this is not about me, this is about the lives of the people you almost destroyed. The very same guys who refrained from sharing what you did with their friend, that is until you pulled your own little stunt."
His sneer was akin to acid, dripping dangerously seeking to corrode and destroy everything within its paths.
"You see, unlike you, Logan had real life to deal with. He already had too much on his plate, so there was no more room for your antics and fits of rage and jealous tantrums. The death of his grandfather, and his mom in critical conditions while one of his aunt laid in a coma, were those real-life issues that prevented both Alex and Roman, from letting him know about your traitorous ass.
But even though they were angry and disgusted by the had witnessed, they wanted to talk to you. However, they had no idea where you had gone off to. Though, when you did show up, almost a month had gone by. The concierge at Logan's building was kind enough to give, Roman and Alex a call when you finally showed up. When they got there, you invited them in for tea as if nothing had happened."
The heaviness in my chest grew even more pronounced, propelling my need to scratch and dig my nails even deeper into my skin.
"After giving some bullshit excuse as to why you were missing for weeks and not answering their calls, you then proceeded without warning, to stripped off your clothes and offered up your body for their...let's go with pleasures. Of course, they both turned you down. But that didn't stop you from calling Logan after ignoring all of his calls and lying through your teeth.
You told him that both, Roman, and Alex, forced themselves on you. You were so convincing that Logan the fool that he was...again, even after being told all that you had done, believed your lies. You were long gone when he came back, of course, but he stopped being friends with Roman and Alex. For months, he blamed them for your disappearance. Much, much later he had to finally accept the truth__that after all your accusations of cheating and drama, you were the one sleeping around campus."
The disgust in his voice was almost palpable, it washed over me in suffocating waves. My breath began to falter.
"I guess your accusations of cheating and jealousy tantrums were all just a cover for your own foul actions. You were lucky to have been gone when shit hit the fan though, your good old buddy, Keith, however, was not as lucky. You abandoned him to fate, and she was not kind. Logan, beat him to a bloody pulp when he found him rummaging around in his apartment for, in Keith's words, things you didn't want anyone to see.
He even had a key that no one else but you could have provided...as if what you did wasn't enough of a betrayal. The beating surely loosened, Keith's tongue, especially after he finally realized that you had abandoned and betrayed him as well. So he told them everything, about how you two were fuck-buddies that whenever you slept over at his place sex was the only objective. And that the both of you participated in numerous sex parties with strangers and with other guys from around campus, some of which were more than happy to provide photographic evidence of you in action..."
He paused and I took it as an opportunity to compose myself, but it was of no use.
"God, Caleb, who in the world are you? No, what in the world are you? I am sure you're not human, you can't be human after all the fucked up shit you have done. How could you do all of that while still pretending to be innocent? God, do you have any idea of the chaos you left behind? No, of course, you don't or rather you didn't care. You left, uncaring for all the damage and pain you caused; you almost broke up friendships, no, you almost destroyed lives with your lies. Yet still, when you popped up here, you acted as if you were the victim."
My head throbbed even more as his harsh words, heavy like boulders, continued raining down on me.
"Then after all of that destruction, you withdrew from school, and like a coward, you ran. And without a word of warning appeared on our doorstep, with what I now know to be, lies. You knew my mom would have sent you right back to apologize to everyone and make things right if she knew what you had done, but you played the sad-woe-is-me card like a maestro. Your act was so good, even my mom was fooled, and of course, I who loved and admire you was also fooled...
Well, I guess I can't really blame you for making a fool out of me even now since you have been doing exactly that, since the time I was a kid. Was all the crying you did at night while we lay hugging each other all a lie, or was it a guilty conscience? But when pressed by mom and the therapist her friend recommended, you said that you were stressed out and overwhelmed by school and the heavy workload, so of course, my mom and I babied you. We were like putty in your hands. But the act didn't last very long, did it?"
I would have loved to say something, anything at this point, nevertheless, my tongue felt numb and heavy within the confines of my mouth while my brain seemed unable to compose a cohesive thought. He was talking and I heard every single word, yet for unbeknownst reasons, I was unable to process the full extent of the conversation or formulate answers or rebuttals.
"Before the month was over, your act fell apart, you left and ended up on the professor's steps. He was the one who later told my mom that you were taking a year-long break from school to become his assistant.
Soon you were gallivanting around the world without a care, the professor was none the wiser. I am positive he had no clue of what you did or he or even Mimi would have sent your ass back to make it right. You left such a massive mess behind, yet you still have the nerve to act unbothered..."
I must have blacked out at one point; one moment there was silence and darkness, and the next, my head was pounding like a drum and my ears were ringing with a high pitched screech that grew louder and louder. The need to scream overwhelmed me, but my tongue just like the rest of my body was glued in place...frozen. What was happening to me? My chest burned with discomfort and pain, my brain erratically jumped from one thought process to another in disorganized patterns as my eyes grew dimmer and dimmer. My body felt clammy, heavy, and I felt on the verge off...What was I on the verge of? Wha...
"...aleb...Caleb, Caleb!"
The anger and loudness in his voice sliced through the thick darkness that threatened to consume me, I was also made aware that I had, without even realizing, stopped myself from breathing. No wonder I was on the verge of losing consciousness. I stopped holding my breath and hastily -too hastily- inhaled almost choking myself in the process, but the need to expand my chest and reduce the burning tightness of my lungs far outweighed any other minor discomfort.
"Afraid to answer?" he continued "If I were you, I would be too. Thankfully, that is not the case, for I would have been incapable of looking myself in the mirror if I was. God, Caleb, you should be ashamed of yourself...I can't believe you, how could you tell such bald-faced lies and accuse someone, in this case, two people of something so despicably heinous? You accused them of rape, Caleb. RAPE! You were willing to destroy the lives of several people, all because you couldn't get your way. Your precious whims were being denied, and we couldn't have that, could we?
What would you have done if, Logan -who at one point believed you- had hurt Alex or Roman, or ended up in prison for murdering, Keith? Hell, I don't even like Keith but I still would have hated for him to be killed over a disloyal, inconsiderate, self-centered, spoiled, hateful brat, such as you. You wanted to see them suffer that badly? Over a fucking whim?... You almost destroyed them Caleb, yet still, you have the nerve to be angry and hateful when you are the bad guy of the story. That is so disgusting. Utterly disgusting."
His anger, scorn, and deep-seethed disdain could not have been more apparent. His insults and tone of voice made that abundantly clear.
Most people would have defended themselves at this point, most people would have defended themselves the very moment he began his rant of accusations. But most importantly, most people would not have sat there and be insulted for all they are worth, yet I could not will my body or mind to do anything except to sit there and take it. Maybe it was due to shock, maybe it was due to my momentary inability to fully process what was taking place, or maybe there was a latent part of me that unconsciously believed that I deserved all that was being said. I was being accused of terrible acts, yet here I was, still unable to say or do anything to help myself apart from vigorously scratching away at my already bleeding chest.
"You lied to me, Caleb, fake tears and all. And I stupidly fell for it and believed you. God...I treated Logan so badly after you left but he never held it against me, I even punched him and called him all sorts of names, yet he still... And speaking of Roman and Alex, no wonder they tried to avoid you and fed you with a long wooden spoon on your visits... (Fed with a long wooden spoon or Feed with a long spoon are both very common island expressions which mean, Keep at a distance)...and they had every right to, they knew what you were capable of even if their friend didn't want to see or accept it.
I, for one, wouldn't have been able to even talk to you let alone tolerated your presence after the stunt you pulled. You were mean and vindictive for no reason other than selfishness, yet and still, that man as you call him, even after all you had done, tried to patch things up between you and give your relationship another chance. If that is not blind, deft and dumb love, I don't know what is. Now I clearly understand where Roman was coming from when he said that Logan was a fool to have ever fallen in love with you...He was indeed a fool, to have ever loved someone who can't even love themself let alone someone else..."
He paused, for a brief moment.
"...I just can't with you anymore, Caleb, I really can't." his voice quivered, as if though he was about to cry; there was another pause again before he continued, "I really love you, but at this point, I am ashamed to call you family just as I am ashamed to have attacked, Logan, without..." he paused and caught his breath, "never mind that."
Remember when we last spoke and you said you wanted nothing more to do with, 'Them'? Well, as it turned out, I will gladly include myself within the 'them' group. And you know what, I am fine, happy even, with that decision because, at this point, I don't know if I want anything more to do with you either...bye, Caleb."
Written and Inicial Editing: @tatiann24 aka Mama Chocolate.
Final Editing: @Spadyz aka Spade the Z.