"im only a fool for you, and maybe you're too good for me, im only a fool for you, but i don't fucking care, at all"
c l o v e r
I pushed Sin out of the room so I could apologize to Dean and let him know I might give him a call tomorrow if he's okay with that. He was of course, and I suddenly found myself stuck at the door hesitating to open it. My hand twitched for the knob every few seconds until I finally pushed away the anxiety and opened the dang thing.
I didn't expect to see the three men sitting in the small living room with glasses in each of their hands. I walked closer and let myself sit on the couch next to Marco, no one was speaking until Gio looked my way. I timidly asked how everything went. "We will need to keep an eye on him, I didn't buy any of that I'm on vacation bullshit." Eliot said he was just on a vacation? Who takes bodyguards and employees on a vacation to Italy?
Before I could voice my other question Marco emotionlessly spoke. "Tony wasn't there, maybe that rat bastard really was kidnapped." I felt my heart drop and I almost came out of my skin when my phone rang loudly. I got up from the couch and hurriedly picked it up from it's spot on my bed and greeted a frantic Carmella.
"Clover, Clover, you have to listen.."
I rushed out of the room with the phone pressed to my ear stumbling over the boys to get to the remote. I tripped over Gios foot landing straight on my knees, I didn't let that stop me as I frantically typed in the numbers to get to Chanel twelve.
"Who's on the phone?"
"Are you alright Clover?"
I ignored their questions and felt the room grow tense and quiet as we listened to the news reporter.
"..-no students have been reported injured, further information regarding the New York University shooting will be updated as soon as possible, if you have any inform-"
I hung up on Carmella shaking as I desperately pressed the contact. "Oscar, Oscar are you okay?" I hadn't noticed I was crying until I heard my own voice. Oscar assured me he was fine and promised he would call after he was done being questioned by the cops.
"Shit." I heard the curse followed by loud footsteps and soon a slam of a door.
"Hey." A hand gently caressed the top of my head, but I felt like it wasn't even there. Carmella and Oscar could've been horribly injured, and if I didn't come here I could've too. "Everyone is alright, Luke is on the phone with Gio now, security will be at your dorm for your friend until our return." I stood up and couldn't care about personal space as I hugged Marco.
I want all of this to just be over. Tony has screwed around with my life enough, more than enough.
Gio broke the silence hanging up his phone and called my name. I headed towards my room where he tilted his head.
"Kellan called." As soon as I shut the door I spun around to look at Sin. He laid back against the headboard with his laptop on his lap and told me the news nonchalantly. "What? Why didn't you tell me?" I received an odd look, raised questioning eyebrows and colored eyes squinting in my direction.
"I wasn't aware you wanted to speak with him."
I kept my cool understanding why he felt that way and decided now wasn't the time to argue.
"I wasn't aware you wanted to speak with a lot of men." The underlying bite in his tone caught my attention right away, and the rare emotion in his voice gave away his thoughts.
Crossing my arms I stayed steady at the foot of the bed. "Are you referring to..-"
"Dean?" He questioned cutting me off. "I am actually." Once he shut his laptop and tossed it on the bed I knew we would be having a conversation about this. Jealousy swirled in his eyes and dripped from his lips.
I hadn't known Sin had such a problem with my male therapist, he was aware I had one.
"What's the issue?" I kept the defensiveness down not wanting this to become a fight and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Nothing nothing." He spoke childishly and it began to irritate me. "Doctor-Patient relationships are just seen as more unprofessional, here in Italia." As he said it I felt like a dirty outsider with terrible morals.
He crossed his arms in a defensive manor and his face gave away nothing.
"Having a friendship with my therapist is not wrong, in fact I'm very happy I met Dean." Being cut off again I soon realized childish wasn't a word I liked describing him with. "I'm sure you are."
Now fed up I spoke with force, "jealousy doesn't suit you Sin." I folded my arms and just as he began to speak I stopped him. "You confuse the hell out of me, you toy with my emotions, you, you.."
"What." He spoke angrily. "You infuriate me." I spoke looking between his eyes watching them grow almost amused.
He moved so quickly I didn't even think about what he was doing until he was above me, forcing my eyes to lock up with his. "Is that the best you can do?" I felt a brand new burn in my chest to give it all to him, but knowing this is just a game it made it all less enticing to play.
"Stop." I stood to only be shoved back down onto the bed. I caught myself from falling all the way back and leaned back as he leaned forward. His arms caged me in and if he got any closer it would become hard to breathe. "Stop." I said with a little more authority this time and stopped myself from punching him right in the face when he smiled.
"Let it out baby."
I hated that he thought he could me that.
"I hate how we are." I knew he was surprised by the slight give away he showed with his eyes. "You are bipolar and mean, and I wish you would stop giving me false hope for your own amusement." I didn't let him see how upset or angry I am, I simply spoke without an emotion to drowned the words like usual.
"I just want to move on." I whispered letting myself fall on the bed, turning my face towards the door.
I went to bed every night dreaming of the day I would be with Sin since I was little, but he has changed so much.
"I want you to stop-stop touching me, kissing me," I looked at him feeling a tear slide down to my ear as I did. "I just want everything to go back to normal."
Normal; being excited to see him everyday just to tell him about what I did, and what I'm gonna do that day. Not fear he will flip the switch and yell at me, or even worse be sweet with me.
Sin backed off a little and eventually just stood straight with his eyes glued to me. I was doing better, learning there are other boys than just Sin. Then there he goes pulling me back in with a kiss, ruining all my progress.
Like any progress was made.
Shut up.
I started to feel uncomfortable with his eyes on me so I sat up and waited for him to move so I could stand. Large tattooed hands burned the skin on my cheeks and I moved away from them just as quickly as they got there. "Don't." My voice was tired.
s i n
She looked tired of my bullshit.
I wasn't aware you wanted to speak with a lot of men. I wish you could talk to me about everything.
I hated seeing her like this, knowing I caused it. I remember a time when it was impossible to get her to stop laughing. She used to never let anything negative get to her, always made it her job to stay positive for everyone else.
Fucking grow a pair.
It's Clover, the girl I've loved since ten. Eleven fucking years. I want to stop hurting her, I know she won't hurt me, so why can't I trust it.
I slumped on the bed next to her, my eyes stuck on the floor, mind stuck on her.
"What are you thinking?" I hated when she scoffed, absolutely dreaded ever hearing it. "I'm always the one talking." She said and it didn't sound like her. I spoke quietly and braced myself for her answer.
Let me take you somewhere
No
"Get a coat, it's cold." I stood up and headed for the door only turning to see her reaction. "I said no." So fucking stubborn all the time, If I'm gonna make all this better it won't be in this hotel room. "Just grab a fucking coat." I didn't mean to say it so harshly.
Italia is beautiful at night.
"You just love to order me around." I smiled and continued walking down the street I used to run down barefoot as a boy. Leading to the place that breaks my heart the most.
I won't apologize for everything I've done, I won't promise that everything will be better, apologies and promises are useless. And honestly, I'm ass at both of them.
I felt her presence as she walked behind me. As kids we went everywhere together, did everything with one another, she made my kid years an actual childhood and I'll never be able to thank her.
I remember being eight always so upset that I had no friends. Boys my own age had best friends and they didn't need anyone else in their group. So eventually, I got used to being alone, maybe the reason I'm irritated so fucking fast by people now.
Until Clover came.
I opened the heavy metal gate letting her walk in first and I would be lying if I said seeing the realization on her face didn't make me happy. Always been such a smart girl.
"I have treated you wrong, my mother would be disappointed." I stated simply and began walking the weed overtaken path that led to the headstone I memorized chip by chip. In loving memory of Isabella Eros.
"Mama.."
I saw her look at me from the corner of my eye. I never knew my mother, I took her from this world. But I always felt a connection to her. I would hear Clo talk about her mother and I imagined what mine would be like.
"I will leave-" I didn't let her finish, I didn't want her to leave, I needed her next to me. I grabbed her hand and hesitantly held it in my own, not feeling any objection.
I pulled out the flowers from my coat and dropped them on the concrete. My father used to speak of my mother before he gave me up. Spoke of her like she was the reason the sun rose and set every day. Always said she was the only love he had ever had in his life.
Is love a choice? Do you pick someone and decide you love them? Is it a feeling? Does it feel like an ache when they aren't there and a overwhelming happiness when they are?
"I'm sorry." I spoke loud enough for her to hear. Clovers little hand kept me grounded, she has always kept me grounded.
"I have made so many mistakes and I'll make even more," I glanced down at her where she kept her eyes on my mothers stone. "I know now I'll never deserve you and I accept that, but I don't think anyone really does." Her big eyes met mine and I wanted her to keep them on me always.
"Fuck waiting."
"I need you." I hated being vulnerable. I hated being in a position where I could be rejected, but I needed to be.
"What- I.. what do you mean Sin?" Stumbling over her words, I tried to find my own to explain to her.
I want to see her everyday, hold her whenever I want. I want to be the one she goes to when she's upset, I want to go to her when I'm upset.
In high school she was referred to as my clover whenever people spoke to me about her. I never knew how big of an impact she made on my life until she wasn't in it.
I sighed lifting my head to the sky and closed my eyes. I hated this kind of thing, I don't want to talk or explain. I want her to know how I feel about her without me saying everything.
"I love her more than myself mama, come posso dirlo a lei?"
[how can I tell her]
Love.
In love.
Are they two different things?
"You what?" Clovers voice was wobbly and I hated knowing she was about to cry. I hated when she cried. My hand was squeezed lightly and I brought my eyes back down to hers where I saw an expression I've never seen before.
I'm terrified of the girl in front of me. I'm scared of a four letter word. I'm petrified of what could happen if I give in to what I want so bad.
"If what I feel for you isn't love," I whispered. Clovers eyes shot from either of my eye to the next. "If I'm not in love with you, the woman I've wanted since ten," I placed my hand on her cheek gently whipping away the drop of water that rolled down her cheek. "Then I don't believe in it."
Her cheeks slid from my hand as she slowly bent down and eventually sat on the cold ground hugging her knees.
Is this the reaction I wanted? Is this a good sign?
"You're like a ticking bomb ready to blow any second, how do I know in the morning you won't be mean, and different." I knew her words were true, and it was completely my fault she feels the way she does.
"Do you remember what happened on your fourteenth birthday?" I sat down next to her, the only sound being a distant owl and passing cars.
"Do you mean when Aaron C gave me a necklace and you broke it along with his jaw?" I winced at the memory and her voice which held a hint of amusement.
I took her everywhere she wanted that day, she just so happened to want to get ice cream where that little fucker clung around like a leech. Giving her a necklace with a heart and he gets the key? Who the fuck did he think he was?
I watched that asshole move her hair away from her neck and attempt to put it on her, before he could I grabbed him by the neck and punched him so hard I felt it. Almost went to juvie for that.
"I've always felt like this Clo." I felt like speaking quieter was better in this situation, scared to come off too loud and scare her away. My heart pounded. She hasn't said it back. Did I put her through to much?
"I don't know what you want me to say."
What do I want her to say?
"Just tell me you feel the same." I fucking hated this. Any second she could say she has moved on and that's it, no one compares to her.
No other fucking girl grew up with me. I'll be damned if I ever have to explain to some bitch what my life has been like, Clover was there for it all.
"You want me to say I love you?" She asked shaking her head and standing up. I stayed sitting only letting my eyes desperately admire her. "I have such an unhealthy love for you. And no matter how hard I try, no one, no man comes close to you." I would be lying if I said I didn't like what I heard, but the way she said it made me feel like shit.
Minutes of silence passed and I stood to my feet hesitantly. "You're not an easy person to love." I heard, you would think that would be insulting but in all honesty, I understood. Clover looked off into the distance not letting any sort of emotion on her beautiful face.
"You make falling in love too easy." I confessed and a ghost of a smile grew on her lips.
I fucking love that smile.
I pressed my hand to the back of her head letting my lips settle on her forehead. I closed my eyes needing to savor every moment with her. I can't imagine a life without her, I've always had Clover. I don't remember life before her, can't imagine anything without her.
Clover sighed and leaned into me. A stupid fucking smile spread on my face and I leaned my cheek on top of her head wrapping my arms around her shoulders.
Clover pulled away just as soon as she leaned in, not liking it very much I just shoved my hands in my pockets. "Do you think everything was easier when we were just best friends?" Clover mumbled.
"I know it was easier." Everything was so simple, not complicated. "But I cant be your friend Clo."
I need her to be mine.
"We try one more time." She held up a finger and my heart did a stupid fucking jump. I couldn't help but reach for her and soon she was in my arms spinning around.
There's that laugh.
All I have to do is remember what it felt like to be without her for so long. I can't take her for granted, Clovers not a constant in my life, she's a blessing.
Now being pitch black I followed Clover as she aimlessly walked her way back to the hotel. Why do so many fucking people walk at this time of night? Do they not have any where else to be, I mean shit.
I planned on walking side by side with her hand in mine but i'm too much of a fucking bitch to attempt it. I smiled at the ground like a little girl. One more chance, I'm not gonna fuck this one up, I can't.
"Sin."
What is this chance? Is she my girlfriend? I hate that fucking word. Clover is so much more than someone I'll have a thing with for a few months than forget about years from now.
"Sin!"
My eyes caught Clover way ahead of me now standing still on the sidewalk where a figure stood in front of her. Pissed off, I made my way to her curling my hand in the back of her coat and pulling her into my chest.
"My apologies, it wasn't my intention to frighten you dear." Prick didn't deserve to speak to her.
I looked down at her when she pulled away from me and slowly took a step towards the fairly large man in the trench coat. I followed her the step keeping my hand on her back.
"You're him." She spoke with uncertainty but bitterness. "Aren't you?" My father looked at me with amusement and did a fucking bow right in front of her.
"Call me Elliot." Before I could get Clover away from the person she never should've been around she took care of it herself. Bastard eyes met mine but snapped away just as the sound of a thunderous smack broke the short silence.
"I don't like you, Elliot." She said his name like it was mud in her mouth and without glancing at me or sparing him another look she began walking away.
Clover never results to violence, fucking ever. I had to look down to hide the smirk that grew.
That's my girl.
Clover sat herself on a bench not too far away probably waiting for me to finish whatever it was I needed to with Elliot. "I take it she's not my biggest fan?" I didn't answer, only glaring right through him.
I never spoke about my father much but Clo somehow got it out of me. Sometimes would make me hold my palms up so she could practice punching him in the face.
"Unless you're here to speak on Tony, you're wasting my fucking time." All I wanted was to get back to the hotel and sort everything out with Clover.
"A simple coincidence we had a run in." Opening his mouth and stretching his jaw he pulled out a bouquet of flowers from his coat. "Excuse me."
"I'm sorry, are you mad? I'm sorry." I chuckled when she spoke nervously only grabbing her hand helping her off the bench.
"I know it's late but would you like to see Italia?" I asked and I was rewarded with excitedly wide blue eyes. Clo started to pull my hand in the opposite direction of where I was going to take her but I just followed in content.
I love her.
★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★
I'm so sorry this took so long!! I've been really insecure with my writing recently due to reading so many amazing books:( BUT I'm getting back on track just work with me:)))
Xoxo love you all
L