Pagkarating sa tapat ng Starbucks ay nakita ko agad si Rahim sa corner mula sa glass wall noon. Kinawayan ko siya bago ngumiti. The normal Rahim roll his eyes on me kaya naman agad din akong napasimangot.
I got inside the shop at ang amoy ng kape ang agad kong nalanghap. Something is really enticing to study inside the coffee shop. Siguro ay dahil adik nga naman ako sa kape. And all of this pressure and consciousness you have inside a shop dahil hindi lang ikaw ang naroroon.
I walk towards Rahim and saw something's off. Hindi nakalagay sa gilid niyang upuan ang mamahalin niyang bag. It is place on the side of the table, nasandal doon sa glass wall. I just shrug it off at umupo sa harapan niya and places my stuff on the other seat beside me.
"Hello." I greeted at him and grab my cup of java chip at sumimsim doon. I saw how he frown a little at me bago sinilip ang upuan sa gilid niya at kinuha ang bag niya roon at ibinalik sa usual noong pwesto, sa upuan sa gilid niya.
"Bakit?" I ask him with all those weird thing with him today. He rolls his eyes on me once again. Dinilaan ang labi bago ituro ang tinapay sa gilid.
"Did you have your lunch?" Tanong niya kaya naman agad akong tumango.
"Good. We'll eat later. For now, study." Saad niya at kinuha ang isang fine limer niya at sinimulan na mag-annotate sa isang printed pdf copy ng isang reading niya siguro and of course, Rahim with his Ipad.
I gather some of my things and such to start reviewing. Inayos ko ang iilang mga compilation ko, lalo na iyong mga drawing para sa bio ko para maipasa na sa susunod na buwan. I pop my Ipad open too and start making some compress copy of my new lesson.
Palihim kong sinisilip si Rahim sa gilid ko kaya naman hindi na ako nagulat to see him in his usual long sleeves attire. Lagi siyang mayroong dress shirt sa ilalim with all his neutral and dark color long sleeves that he has. Kung hindi long sleeves polo, dress shirts, halos puro pormal na. Mayroon pa ngang mga araw na naka corporate attire siya.
And we just sit there in silence, engross in our own world but still know and aware in each other's presences. I don't know why but I feel so contented by how we spent hours of studying, and trying hard, or at least me, try hard to ignore Rahim. After the study, when it's atleast one and half hour before his sched for the day, we will eat in the fast food just across the street.
We continue that routine for days and I know, deep down in my subconscious, I'm looking forward for it almost every single day. Hindi ko alam, but I find it very amusing to see improvement in me.
I no longer procrastinate things, I aced some of my exams. My recits and all of that. I became more sufficient to my study habits, or at least our study routine. I should be thankful for!
I was humming to a Taylor Swift's song as I walk down Intramuros. Naabot ko ang Starbucks after an hour or less and I'm happy because I have the highest score in our outputs!
Nang matanaw ang Starbucks sa labas ay agad kong namataan si Rahim sa usual na inuupuan naming but to my surprise he was not alone. There is this girl sitting beside him. Not in my usual place but beside Rahim.
Napatigil ako sa pagpasok dahil doon. I gulp on my own as I scan the both of them. The girl is holding a thick book; codal I guess. With those round glasses like a dork, formal attire and a very sleek and black hair.
I scan over Rahim and he is not even talking with the girl. He's there in his normal state. Writing on his yellow pad, focus and not minding the place. Ang bag niya ay nasa gilid at nakasandal sa glass wall ng shop. So is that why the bag was there everytime? Is he waiting for the girl?
Am I supposed to be here?
"Miss, excuse me?" napapitlag ako ng may lalaking naglita sa gilid ko. My shock expression turns immediately into embarrassment ng makita kong kanina pa pala niya hawak siguro ang pintuan para makapasok ako.
"Ow... sorry." Kahit hindi ko naman gusto pang pumasok. The guy's chivalry is something I wouldn't want to be put into waste kaya lumayo agad ako doon sa lalaki at pumasok, mabilis na naglalakad at pumwesto sa pinakadulong upuan. I place my things there and made sure that I was facing opposite to them so I wouldn't see them.
Gusto ko mang magmura dahil kailangan kong umorder, ay hindi na ako nag-inarte pa. Why am I here anyway? Could I just get home?! Hindi naman yata ako ang inaatay niya rito, e.
I order my usual in a very discreet manner. Para akong nag ni-ninja moves dito just so I wouldn't be glance by Rahim's dark and enticing eyes. Mahirap na, nakakahiya naman at magmumukha akong third wheel sa kanila.
I want to celebrate that the whole time that I ordered ay hindi man lang niya iniangat ang tingin niya, sana ay sakitan siya ng leeg sa ginagawa niya!
I awkwardly sit there, feeling so out of place in the whole café! Minamalas pa ako at itong araw na ito ang pinakalate na start ng klase niya! Jesus!
"Med-student?" Halos malaglag ako sa biglaang nagsalita sa aking gilid. I frown at him pero ng makitang naka-scrub siya ay automatic na namangha agad ang itsura ko.
Wow! Med-student!
"Med-student?"
"Med-student?"
Sabay pa naming saad. I can see how his pink lips curve into a smile. Ako naman ang nahiya dahil ang lakas ng loob kong magsalita sa harapan niya. I don't even know this guy.
"Sorry! Ang ganda kasi nung reference mo ng anatomy!" He said at tinuro iyong reference ko na galing sa prof ko sa gen bio.
"Ah, gusto mo?" I offer unconsciously. Nakita kong nanlaki ang mata niya sa sinabi ko. I look at him at nakita kong namula ang tenga niya ng matitigan niya na ako.
Doon ko lang din napansin kung gaano siya kaputi. His scrub is in a shade of blue, white with a hint of crimson skin at may hawak siyang malaking tumbler that I can even smell the aroma of his ordered coffee. In fairness ang laki!
"Luh! Nakakahiya!" He said at bahagyang kinamot pa ang batok. Umiling ako sa kanya at itinuro ang opposite na upuan sa harapan ko. Though bakante ang upuan sa tabi ko, I want my personal space all for myself, especially with strangers.
"Med-Student ka ba? Hala nakakahiya! Parang ang adib-adib ko naman at FC sayo." He said but still sits across my table.
"Hindi PA ako med-student dahil patapos pa lang ng year na 'to para sa sophomore year ko." I said at pinakita sa kanya ang iilang notes ko.
"So second year college ka pa lang? Balak mo mag med school? What pre-med course?" Sunod-sunod na tanong niya sa akin at ipinatong pa ang mukha sa mga palad niya na akala mo magsasalaysay ako ng isang kwento.
"Well, I wish to take nursing pero hindi ako nakapasok doon sa quota ng school ko ngayon at noong school sa Espana. So I took up Bio as my pre-med." I said feeling a little bit at ease by his enthusiasm.
"Hala! I took my pre-med there! Ngayon second year ko na sa med-school sa diyan sa Taft 'din. UP." He said at halos manlaki ang mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya. I mean UP is one of the finest institute in the country. Too bad mahirap makapasok doon and I bet mahirap 'din ang makalabas.
"Pwede mo bang i-air drop sa akin ung mga references mo? I'll share some of my stuff from college days, baka makatulong!" He said and that's what we did. We actually exchange some pdfs and files. Share some sentiments from my early college days and his past college experience. I had fun talking with him over our tons of paper.
Pinakita niya pa sa akin iyong mga nakaraang projects niya and all those stuff and I might say! He's awesome!
"By the way, my name is Euhann Kim. I really appreciate you with all this elite and top-tier pdfs! Grabe solid talaga kapag ang tuition ay hundred thousand!" Natatawa niya pang pang-aasar. Agad naman akong nahiya ng bahagya doon! Even his former school daw charges their student with all those money, buti na lang daw ay scholar siya and he doesn't have to deal with all the financial stuff.
"Monique Roque. Thank you for all these stuff also." I said and show him a small smile.
"Ow... I think your boyfriend is finally here." He suddenly said kaya naman napakunnot ako ng noo dahil doon. When I look behind me ay halos mapatayo na ako sa gulat.
Rahim is standing before my seat! His twilight eyes are darted to me, malalim at madilim. His tall and space-consuming figure block my vision already. Parang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko ng maamoy pa ang pabango niya dahil sa lapit niya sa akin.
"Um... Hi... Tapos na k-kayo?" I bite the inside of my cheeks because of the way I stutter before him.
"I was waiting for you." He said in a very disappointed tone. I'm left in awe as my lips parted by his remarks.
Nang makita ko ulit ang babae sa tabi niya ay mas lalong natahimik ako. I'm confused for a moment when he told me that he was waiting for me but the girl was exactly right there.
"Ah... hindi na kita ginulo... may kasama ka kasi." I said in a distinct but very low voice, just enough for him to here.
"Fuck."
"Gregory aren't we gonna go?" Gusto ko mang bumusangot dahil sa tanong noong babaeng iyon ay nanahimik na lamang ako. Her fair skin is blinding. Mukha siyang bampira!
"You go first, Euro." Ni hindi man lang siya nilingon ni Rahim ng sabihin niya iyon. Ako naman ang napalunok sa kinatatayuan ko dahil sa mga matatalim niyang titig.
"Let's go." He said with his baritone voice and finality in his face. Para akong nataranta dahil sa utos niya kaya dali-dali naman akong nagligpit ng gamit ko sa table.
I shyly smile at Euhann dahil sa awkward na sitwasyon. I mouthed sorry and he just show me a mischievous smirk.
"Monique." He said impatiently kaya naman agad akong tumayo ng matapos kong ipasok lahat ng gamit ko sa bag ko.
"Bye, Euhann! See you around!"
"Monique!"
Parang gusto kong tumalon dahil sa biglaan niyang pagtawag kaya agad akong sumunod sa kanya ng makitang palabas na siya ng shop.
"Teka Rahim!" I said and nagulat ako ng makitang hindi siya huminto sa tapat ng fast food na lagi naming kinakainan.
Hindi niya ako nilingon. Meaning he doesn't want to talk. Napanguso na lamang ako dahil sa lalaking ito. Hindi ko 'rin siya matantya. Sometimes his very cold, sometimes—no once in a blue moon ay nagpapakita ng kabaitan. But now? There's no in between! Hindi ko tuloy alam kung bakit ba siya ganyan umakto, e siya nga itong may kasamang ibang babae sa study sesh namin!
We entered the nearby mall just across the city hall. Gusto ko pa sanang magreklamo dahil medyo mahaba ang nilakad naming but I choose to shut myself up.
Pagpasok pa lang sa local mall na iyon ay halos humaba pa ang nguso ko ng makitang nagsilingunan ang mga babae kay Rahim. Even the lady guard almost gawk on him. Tapos siya, ayun, nakabusangot!
We stop by some at some familiar milktea shop, iyong isang milktea na iniinom ko madalas bukod sa milktea sa gilid ng school. I look at him when he stops in front of me.
"You like their coffee pearl milktea, right?" Nagulat ako ng marinig koi yon at hindi agad nakasagot. I found him fixing his glasses with the side of his palm and immediately clenching his teeth na akala mo mali ang sinabi niya.
"Um... oo." I said like a whisper.
Tumango siya at nagtungo na sa counter para magbayad. I look at him from a far. He looks so out of place. Bukod sa pormal na suot para sa pagpasok niya mamaya-maya ay bakas ang karangyaan sa kanya.
Something out of Rahim screams wealth. I just know, with all those branded leather bag, slacks, shirt and his shinning shimmering silver watch. I'm no rich, I can say that. But I'm not also ignorant sa mga bagay-bagay na katulad noon. I can see how Annica throws those things out of her hand just because she doesn't like it.
He looks so far, with all those luxurious thing. Yes, I came from a private institute that probably pay a hundred thousand per year, but both of my parents are saving up for that. They want me to acquire quality education, since ako na lamang mag-isa.
"Here." I gaze back at Rahim and see some glimpse of emotion from his eyes.
He's really semi-permeable. He only allows some part of him to resurface one at a time. Minsan ay puro siya kasamaan, puro 'fuck' at puro panlalait ang lumalabas sa bibig niya. But at some point also, hindi niya 'rin mapigilan iyong paglitaw ng iilang personality niya, those occasional at mukha sapilitang kabaitan. This free food na lagi niyang ginagawa. He's really something.
"Kukunin mo ba o ibubuhos ko ito sayo?" see what I meant?
Inabot ko ang milk tea mula sa kamay niya. He still looks stiff and serious. Mukha nga siyang galit pa.
"We couldn't eat today. I'm afraid I'll be late in my class." He said kaya naman muling napaangat sa mukha niya ang mata ko.
"it's okay! Pasensya ka na, ah. Hindi ako nagsabi na naroon na ako kanina. I just thought it's the girl you were with today... so ano-"
"Why the hell in this fucking earth would you think that?!"
"E, kasi ung bag mo laging nasa tabi mo iyon dati. Tapos noong nasa starbucks na tayo parang hindi na! So I thought you purposely did that because you are waiting for her!"
"Bobo ka talaga ano?!"
I was taken aback by how harshly he blurted those out. Alam ko naman na he's never careful with his words... but it just stings sometimes.
"I'm sorry." I said, almost a whisper that I can only hear.
Hindi ko na siya inantay pang maglakad at nauna na ako sa knaya.
I don't know if he went after me or followed me at least. Hindi ko alam at hindi na ako lumingon. I just know that maybe if I look back and found nothing even his shadows. I would be drown into breaking down.
Who am I to expect something from him? Masyado yata akong natuwa sa presensya ng isang taong katulad niya. Not too sweet and very open, not too dragging and emotionally driven. Like he's not human.
Pagkapasok ko sa loob ng sasakyan ko ay halos ibato ko na iyong gamit ko sa loob. I look at my hand and I'm still holding the milktea that he gave a while ago at hindi ko na napigilan ang mapaluha.
He's just too mean sometimes.
Just too mean for me to handle.
Why am I handling him anyway?
Hindi naman kami close! Hindi naman kami friends?! Why do I suddenly feel like I'm pushing too much for this. Na masyado kong pinipilit iyong bagay na wala naman. I once felt a step closer to him, a step before friends, atleast. Pero ngayon? I feel so crushed.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto pa akong naiyak doon. Ilang minuto pa akong parang tanga na lumuluha doon habang hawak iyong milktea, looking at it and feeling like a fool.
I feel so overly sensitive for crying over this stupid thing! I feel like a lunatic for whipping over someone calling me 'bobo'. Pero hindi kasi iyon 'yun, e.
He was so bubbly weird and kind and thoughtful to even known I like this milktea and then he'll turned back into someone who's cold and heartless and tell me I'm a fool.
It lowkey hurts when the happy bubble inside your head suddenly burst gone just because someone couldn't stay kind enough.
Pero, again. Sino ba naman ako?
We're not even friends!
Halos mapatalbog ako sa kinauupuan ko at mabitawan ang milktea na hawak ng may kumatok sa windshield ng kotse ko. I suddenly want to scream when I saw Rahim outside, all grumpy and creases on his forehead! Hindi pa ako ready makipag-away sa kanya! Please!
I probably look horrified and stupid in front of him. Hindi heavily tinted ang windshield ko! Of course he can see me! And I'm bloddy crying because of him!
He gestured me to go out with just a sway of his head. I sniffle when I saw that at halos hindi ako makahinga sa paraan ng pagtitig niya sa akin kaya mariin akong umiling sa kanya. He didn't stay still; he moves a step closer to see me in a better perspective than the previous one.
"Get out." He mouthed but I insist to stay inside. I hate the idea that I'll cry in front of him. I hate him today. I just couldn't bear with him today.
It's okay to hate someone for a day. And I hate him today.
He didn't move. I didn't too. We stayed in our own places, separated by the car's door. I feel so far from him again, like the first time I laid my eyes on him. I feel so distant and unfamiliar with how I see him at that moment.
I feel so hurt to the extent of unreasonable pain.
He studied me from the outside. Driving to the depths of my soul with those midnight eyes. I can see the clear white illuminated orbs inside of those eye socket, behind those clear and very accentuated glasses and with a dark windshield between us. It looks darker than usual.
And we didn't move.
I didn't.
Until he did.