sad feels
"I mean, it's obvious right? a family heirloom. what better place to hide a message?" John B says as we drive down the road. everyone else in the car just glances at each other, unsure of what to say. "he had to know it was gonna get back to me, right?"
"yeah. it's possible." Kiara tells him, and I nod in agreement to back her up.
"it could also be possible that you're concocting wild theories to help, you know, deal with your sad feels." my foot quickly connects with Pope's thigh, telling him to shut up while John B says his name as a warning.
"bro you know how I process my sad feels." JJ intervenes just when I think it can't get any worse. I raise an eyebrow at him, waiting for the next words to come out. "dank nugs and the stickiest of ickies, that's how I do it."
I shrug, adding to that, "bottle of tequila and I'm good."
"I'm not concocting okay?" John B interrupts us, and part of me wonders if he's trying to convince us or convince himself. "my dad's trying to give me a message."
"if it helps you believe, John B."
"look, I-I don't need a therapy session, okay? I'm not trippin' out." John B stammers but I watch his eyes in the rearview. I could tell he was trying to grasp at straws.
"I think we could all use a therapy session." I say just as JJ includes, "it's okay to trip, bro."
"look, my dad is missing, okay? missing." we all get silent at John B's outburst. "you don't know what it's like to have the person closest to you vanish, and then have no idea what happened."
Kiara looks back at me as soon as I feel my heart drop. pretty soon John B sighs, knowing very well what he just said. "Lyv..." JJ whispers, before I shake my head.
"no. it's fine." I tell him, my eyes connecting with John B's in the mirror. "y'know what, John B. I sincerely hope that what you're telling yourself is true. because I do know what it's like to lose that person. I don't want you to grow up without your dad like I'm having to do."
"Lyvia-"
"if you could just drop me off here, and you guys can continue the little scooby doo gang activities without me for today." I start to throw my bag on my shoulder as JJ reaches for my hand. "I'm tired, just let me out of the van."
"Lyv, I'm sorry." John B apologizes, but my face is starting to get hot from emotions.
"just let me out of the fucking van, John B." I snap, making everyone avert their eyes. finally, he stops the vehicle and I climb over JJ to the door. "I promise, I will text you later, but for now, I just need some space."
I slam the door shut behind me. as they drive away, I see Kiara hit John B on the back of the head and JJ's mouth wide open, probably letting some curses fly. I start walking, considering calling Sarah but also upset at the idea of her telling Topper about John B and the gear.
eventually, after my feet get tired, I cave and grab my cell phone from my pocket. once I hear the other line pick up, I say, "hey, you think you can come pick me up?"
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"why were you just walking down a random ass backroad all by yourself?"
"Rafe, please can we skip the lecture?" I beg as Rafe's hand grips the steering wheel. was this the smartest decision on my part? no. but neither was walking home.
"was it the pogues? did they just drop you and leave you?" he questions, and I sigh before shaking my head. "because if they did-"
"Rafe!" I shout, my frustration growing. "can you literally just shut the fuck up about it?"
he goes quiet, and a bit of guilt hits me. I didn't mean to raise my voice. these past couple of days have been stressful, plus the added thought of my dad on my mind wasn't helping matters. John B didn't mean what he said, and I knew that, but it still hurt. at least he could have hope that his dad would come back to him.
"can you at least tell me if you're okay?" Rafe asks quietly while reaching to put his hand on my leg. it felt different from when JJ would do it. it was cold, but it also made me feel something.
"yeah, I'm okay. you don't need to worry about me." I respond, thinking back to what he had said to me. "not like you care anyways." he removes his hand from my leg but doesn't say anything back.
we ride back to Tanneyhill in silence, neither of us knowing what to say to one another. the tension was almost palpable. as soon as we get to his house, I hop out of the truck without saying anything and head inside. my first mission was to look for Sarah.
I find her laying on her bed messing around on her phone. quickly, I shut the door behind me before asking, "what the hell, Sarah?" she immediately sits up, confusion written on her face.
"what did I do?"
"you told Topper about John B and I returning the gear!" I growl and cross my arms. while I start to pace, ready to snap, she stands up completely and comes over to grab my shoulders. "what?"
"I didn't tell Topper." she tells me, slightly shaking me as well. "are you sure John B just didn't say anything to brag?"
I back away from her. "John B wouldn't do that." I scoff and shake my head. "sure, he can be stupid, but he's not that stupid. it would be a risk to his job, Sarah."
"I don't know, this whole pogues versus kooks thing, you never know what he may say." after her whole spiel about not wanting there to be war, I figured she wouldn't use it. has she been brainwashed or something? "John B and Topper have always butted heads."
"yeah, well maybe it's because they both have the same thing on their minds."
"oh don't even with that bullshit." Sarah says as she rolls her eyes. I'm sure deep down she knew it and just didn't want to admit it. there was something between her and John B. let's face it, Topper isn't the brightest crayon in the crayon box. "you wanna point fingers about flirtation lets talk about you and Rafe and how you refuse to face that."
"that is not the same and you know it."
"how is it not the same, Olyvia? he likes you, you like him, why don't you-"
"I don't like him like that."
"yes you do, you just hide it by fucking JJ of all people."
she could've just slapped me in the face and it would've done the same thing. "JJ of all people?" I question, raising an eyebrow. her face turns red with embarrassment and regret. "don't you ever talk about him in that way. at least JJ gets me off, what does Topper do for you?"
"get out." Sarah snaps, and I oblige. not like I wanted to be around a the brainwashed kook princess anyways. who had she turned into?
when I slam her bedroom door shut behind me, I see Rafe come out from his bedroom. the look on his face tells me he heard everything. something that resembled pain resided in his eyes, but why would he even care? he was over me, and not to be kidding myself, but I was over him too.
I was over being a part of figure eight.
————
as I was walking through town, part of me felt torn between two worlds. I wanted to go back to make up with Sarah, but I also wanted to say good riddance to that part of my life. just because I live on that side of the island doesn't make who I am right?
"Lyv! hey Lyv!" I turn around to see John B jogging towards me, almost completely out of breath. "where you been?"
"oh y'know, just around." I respond, not wanting to tell him the truth. he looks awful. another thing I felt bad about was not staying with him earlier. "what happened to you?"
"the lighthouse was a bust, but the guy knew something. he just wouldn't tell us. and then Kie and I got arrested and her dad had to get us out. boy was he pissed. also got fired by Ward Cameron, Sarah told him about the gear, and then I ran into her looking for you. now I don't know-"
"jesus, John B. slow down." I grab his arms to ground him. processing everything he said, I took a deep breath myself. "you can't trust the Cameron's. I'm sorry you lost your job, and got arrested. we'll figure everything out, let's just get back to the chateau."
as we start walking, he begins to tell me about what all has happened, from the time I got out of the van to now. neither of us were paying any attention when a black truck started to slow up next to us. when we both finally look over, the window rolls down to reveal the men from the boat and Lana Grubb's house.
shit.
John B is almost unfazed until the passenger cocks a gun and says, "time's up, boy." he immediately grabs my hand and pulls me along as we begin to sprint away. we hear a door open and shut behind us but I don't look back. I knew one of them would follow us. "don't run boy!"
"Lyv, we have to keep moving." John B pants beside me, and my lungs feel like they're already on fire. I hated running. gym was not my forte in school and now I wish I had done a sport.
we run through alley's and backyards trying to evade the guy chasing us. John B jumps to knock down a piece of fence in front of us to go through. I feel some of it splinter into my calf as we both land on it before getting right back up. the pain shot through me as we continued to run.
I saw the man's hands grab John B for a mere second until my best friend throws him to the ground, buying us some time. "John B, I don't know how much further I can go." I tell him, gasping for breath. he doesn't respond, but only keeps pulling me along.
we duck through another alley and almost get hit but a truck. the truck. John B stumbles back as it slightly touches him, and we both freeze for a moment. once we snap out of it, we run past to go in the opposite direction the truck was going.
"stop!" one of them yells as we turn down a large opening between buildings.
"John B, there's a fence!"
immediately, he lets go of my hand and goes to climb it. I see sparks as he's blown back, knocking us both over. fucking agatha kicking us in the ass right now.
John B groans in pain while I rush to his side, watching one of the men walking closer. "get away from us!" I shout, tears starting to flow down my face.
"Lyv, run. they don't want you." John B manages to get out, but I shake my head.
"you gotta watch those live wires after a storm." the long haired man chuckles. the bigger man steps out of the truck and starts to walk over too, grabbing me by my hair and pulling me away from John B. "now you're gonna give me what I want. or that pretty little girl gets it."
before I can scream for help, I hear a quick siren from a cop car, making us all look to the other side of the fence. Peterkin hops out of her vehicle and I finally feel like I can breath. the tension on my hair is released as the men start to walk back to their truck.
I rush back over to John B and start to help him sit up. Peterkin helps us get into her car, and while I'm thankful for her arrival, I know we are in deep shit.
"so, how's it workin' out kid?" she questions John B. I sit in the back quietly, not knowing what she was meaning. "it's a whole lot safer if you give it to me than anybody else."
"John B-" I start to say, but I stop when he pulls the compass from his pocket. he really was going to give it up.
"this thing probably saved your life. concentrated the shock." she tells him as she holds the compass in her hand. a tear escapes my eye, thinking about Big John still protecting John B somehow. "lucky."
she agrees to let us go now that she had what was causing all of our problems, so as we exit her car and shut the door, I watch John B's defeated stance.
"what are we going to do now?" I ask him, standing next to him in the street.
"the only thing we can do. move on."
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