chapter thirty-six: you're my favorite candidate
WEDNESDAY EVENING. It was half past six in the evening and I was sitting on the couch, a bowl of popcorn in my lap. I mindlessly ate piece after piece as I loosely listened to what Madalyn was telling me about Howie. Apparently, they were in a fight over something Howie had said—Madalyn wasn't telling me specifics—but they got into fights like this that lasted a couple of days every three months or so.
"Sometimes I just wonder if I'm keeping myself from something better." I froze just before plopping another piece of popcorn into my mouth; Madalyn had never said such a thing regarding Howie. I looked over at her slowly with my brows furrowed and she sighed heavily before hugging a pillow into her chest.
"What?" I asked, wanting her to repeat what she had just said.
"I love Howie—that's not a concern here, it's just... fuck, I don't know. We've grown up together... what if we start to grow apart in the next couple of years? What if we're sort of doomed? I mean, is Howie really going to be the person I spend the rest of my life with?" My jaw dropped as I continued to listen to Madalyn speak, only because of the number of times I had heard her talk about how she couldn't imagine spending her life with anyone else. "Please don't look at me like that, Jo. I honestly need to talk this out."
"I'm sorry—this is just really shocking, Mads."
"It's not like I want us to break up or something! I'm just talking hypothetically." Madalyn groaned before she covered her face with the pillow in her hands.
"You were saying that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him last week, Mads. He can send you a picture of him in a new shirt he bought, and your go-to reaction is 'he's really mine forever, huh?'. You're obsessed with him and he's so obsessed with you... if he's not it for you, then I don't believe in love." Madalyn had uncovered her face by the time I finished and her lips curled into a smile. "What in the world got you thinking about this? What did he do?"
"He wants me to move in," Madalyn blurted out her words, and my lips parted ever so slightly. "We're in a fight because I basically told him I didn't think it was the best time to."
"I'm not totally following, Maddy. Why wouldn't you want to?"
"Because of... you," Madalyn said before biting her lip gently. My heart sank at her words and my stomach began to swell with some sort of anxiety. "That sounds dumb, I know... but I don't want to end this journey with you so soon, and I don't want to leave you on your own."
"Madalyn... we've been living together for two years. You have to let me go at some point," I told her, even though the thought of not living together anymore made me incredibly sad. Living alone made me even sadder, but I would never hold Madalyn back from something like this.
"I know..." she sighed before getting up from her spot and moving toward me. "Part of me realizes that you're not the only reason I'm hesitant, though. That's why I'm talking all of this nonsense."
"What else is going on?" I asked as she sat down beside me.
"The thought of living with Howie full time terrifies me. This is my safe space, you know? I know I spend the majority of my time with him, but I can always come home and be with you instead."
"Mads... you can still always come over when you need," I promised her and realized she had become emotional. "I would be such a shit friend if I didn't encourage you to take a new step in your relationship, you know? I'm sure it's normal to be hesitant to move in with your significant other. I can't imagine doing that."
"What if living together is what makes us hate each other?" Madalyn asked me, tears brimming her eyes. I let out a soft chuckle, not because I was making fun of her but because I genuinely thought her anxieties just showed that she cared a lot about their relationship, and about Howie.
"Maddy, could you ever hate Howie?"
"I mean... I don't think so, but what if that's not mutual?" I sighed sadly before turning toward her completely.
"Howie loves you a scary amount, Mads. You mean everything to him and if he finally got the courage to ask you to move in, it's because all he wants is to continue to grow with you." Madalyn's lips curled once again and I knew she was trying to fight her insecurities, so my words were clearly helping. "You can't let your fears stop you," I told her, loosely quoting my mother from earlier today which was pretty lousy of me.
So what if I was a hypocrite? I could live with that.
"But I can't just move out," Madalyn said as she looked around our living room. "I love it here... and I love you."
"I love you too, dummy," I laughed before placing my head on her shoulder. "But maybe moving out would be good for you. I mean, think about how nice it would be to cut out so much travel? And not having to constantly plan your life around when I'm home..." I laughed quietly but that only made Madalyn's face screw up with sadness.
"But I love having to do that," Madalyn told me which caused my eyes to playfully roll. "I would worry about you so much. You'd only eat snickerdoodles, cereal, and microwavable popcorn."
"I am capable of taking care of myself, Madalyn," I told her distastefully as she began to laugh. "This would be great for me." Madalyn suddenly wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight. I smiled at the action and hugged her back. "I would probably have to move out of here soon, though. I mean, this place is too big for one person... and too expensive."
"That's another reason I don't want to move out—I know how much you love this apartment. I don't want you to give it up."
"There's plenty of apartments in the sea," I said, disregarding the logic of the original phrase. "I can't be a large factor in your decision." Madalyn and I had pulled away from each other and she was sitting with her lower lip between her teeth, seeming conflicted.
"You should talk to Howie about why you're hesitant—you know he'd be up for talking it through and making sure you felt assured that it would be a good decision. You've never hidden your feelings from him, so don't start now."
"You're right," she said with a nod. "Thanks, Josie." Madalyn hugged me again, but this time for only a short moment. "Is Luke still coming over?"
"Yeah, he should be here by now," I said after looking at the time on my phone.
"Is he spending the night?" Madalyn asked and I simply shrugged my shoulders.
"We've decided to stop planning sleepovers... just in case one of us feels the need to go home for the night. We don't want to feel obligated."
"Geez, you guys are weird," Madalyn noted. "I think I'll go over to Howie's... to talk," Madalyn said as she stood. "God, I'm so nervous. What if he takes it the wrong way?"
"Maybe leave out the part where you wondered if there was someone else out there for you... everything else should be fine." Maddy's eyes rolled and I laughed at her clear irritation. "Talking things out with him will be exactly what you need, I know it."
"You're probably right," she told me with a nod. "Okay... I'm gonna go over there. Let Luke know that I'm sorry that I missed him, okay?"
"Will do," I told her. "Text me how things go?"
"Of course." Madalyn kissed the top of my head as she passed behind the couch and I smiled.
"I love you!"
"I love you, too!" Madalyn left the apartment just minutes later and I sighed as I was left alone, still waiting for Luke who hadn't texted me back in the last thirty minutes. I continued to eat the popcorn that nearly tasted stale and unmuted the television before tuning into the rerun episode of The Golden Girls.
A couple of minutes later, there was a knock on the door and my mood suddenly changed. A smile found its way onto my face and I jumped up from the couch before making my way to the door. I swung the door open to find a smiling Luke and I didn't hesitate to step forward and wrap my arms around him.
"Hey, you," Luke chuckled as he hugged me back tight and I smiled into the fabric of his teeshirt. "Sorry it took me so long. I left ages ago, but Ashton called me and I ended up driving in circles before making my way over."
"It's okay," I promised as I led Luke into my apartment. "It's not like I'm clingy or something." Luke snorted and I countered by punching his shoulder. "How was Calum last night?"
"Wouldn't you like to know," Luke teased which earned him a glare. "I hate how you use me to get to him."
"Luke," I warned which caused him to giggle.
"I can't believe you've kissed my best friend—"
"Luke, stop." I sighed and walked away from Luke, leaving him behind the couch as I walked around before sitting in the same spot as earlier.
"Sorry, I can't help myself. Just like you couldn't that night—"
"You're being an ass," I told Luke bluntly as I whipped my head in his direction.
"I'm just messing with you, Jos," Luke assured through a laugh. "I might be a little bitter still... I'm sorry." I breathed in deeply and wished that Luke knew that I'd do anything to take back kissing Calum. "He was great... he asked about you, too. Then saw that I had these on my neck." I looked up to see the hickeys on Luke's neck and was surprised that they seemed to be fading already. "Getting him to believe I got carried away with some random girl was incredibly difficult. I don't lie to Calum."
"You know, you don't have to," I told Luke, not really seeing the point of hiding things from them anymore.
"I don't need them nagging me about you constantly... I don't want them to know, especially since there's so little to know about." Luke sighed as he finally sat down beside me and I bit my lip at his words. "So... movie tonight?"
"That's the plan," I told Luke with a nod. "Oh—Madalyn wanted me to tell you she's sorry she missed you. She went to Howie's just before you got here." I started thinking about the conversation I had with Madalyn and felt myself become sort of sad as I realized she could really move out at any time. If they agreed to take this new step, I'm sure they'd want to get themselves sorted before the start of the school year. It was hard to keep my mind from thinking that I'd be totally alone soon—not even Luke would be around to keep me company.
"Did me joking about Calum really get you that down? I'm sorry, Jos. I was just being dumb, I don't want you to be in a down mood."
"No... it's not that," I told Luke through a sigh. "It's nothing."
"Josie," Luke urged as he lifted my chin with his finger. "What's up? You know you can talk to me."
"Howie wants Madalyn to move in," I told Luke, simply. "Which is great... for them. Genuinely, I'll be happy for them if they go through with it. I've just never been on my own before." Luke's face slipped into some kind of a pout which surprised me.
"When would that happen?"
"I don't know, I didn't ask Madalyn. I was too afraid she'd say it would happen soon." I glanced away from Luke once his sad look became too much for me. "I feel like everything is happening so soon." At this point, I was just feeling sorry for myself, which I found annoying, so I was ready to shape up. I tried moving the conversation along, but Luke had a couple of things to say.
"You know the last thing I want is to leave you here alone... so don't be hesitant to call me and just talk things out, okay? I know you'll have people here for you, but I just want you to know that I'm only ever going to be a phone call away. We might run into some time zone differences, sure, but that won't matter. Promise you'll call when you need me?" My lips slowly began to curl and I didn't hesitate to reach forward, wrapping my arms around Luke's neck. He hugged me back and I felt satisfied as we stayed like that. "This might sound stupid, but... maybe I could give you a key to mine? And whenever you want a change in scenery, you can spend some time there. It'll be empty otherwise, so it could use the company." I broke away from Luke as he spoke and the smile fell from my face. A look of surprise replaced it and Luke placed his hand on my cheek.
"You're serious?"
"Of course I'm serious," Luke said, nodding his head. "I need someone to occasionally check on things anyway... and you're my favorite candidate." Before I could fully think about what I was doing, I leaned into Luke and pressed my lips to his. Luke didn't hesitate to kiss me back, but I made sure to break away sooner rather than later.
This was the first kiss with Luke that had made me feel bad, or guilty of something. Although I wanted to be with him, I was still the one keeping us apart. Part of me felt as though I was constantly getting his hopes up.
"I would love that," I told Luke, giving him a smile and watching as he smiled back.
"Just don't go crazy when I'm gone and give house tours to fans, okay?" Luke joked, just to annoy me.
"That's definitely something I would do," I told him with a roll of my eyes. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Do you guys have any beer?"
"Of course." I pushed myself off the couch and Luke took it upon himself to grab my hand before following behind me. Once we were in the kitchen, I dropped Luke's hand after leaving him at the island. I walked to the fridge and grabbed a beer for him before walking back to hand it to him. He thanked me while looking down at his phone. I decided I wanted a cup of coffee, so I started to brew a cup before hopping onto the counter by the coffee maker.
"You wanna do a live?" Luke asked after a couple of minutes of him silently looking down at his phone.
"Is that a smart idea?" I asked Luke, thinking about the article and the paparazzi photos that had surfaced the previous weekend.
"We can go on and directly talk about the rumors... put them to rest and whatnot," Luke said with a shrug. "I just like the fans getting to know you." I thought back to the conversation I had with my mom earlier, and found myself worrying about clout chasing and the like. "They love you, Jos... I know we won't be helping ourselves, most likely, but it's always a fun time."
"Okay," I said meekly as I nodded. I liked going live with Luke, especially since the fans seemed to appreciate it so much, but I did find myself hesitant mostly because I was nearly horrified by my article at this point.
Luke smiled as I agreed and told me he was going to tweet out before going live. My coffee had finished just as he started, so I added what I liked while Luke went on a small tangent of saying hello and answering a couple of questions. I picked up my coffee mug and walked over to Luke, slowly coming into frame to be sneaky.
"A wild Josie has appeared," Luke said as he glanced over at me with a smile.
"Hello," I spoke quietly before bringing my coffee mug closer to my lips. "Welcome to my home."
"Josie has taken me hostage and won't let me leave, so I'm stuck spending time with her for the time being," Luke joked which caused my eyes to playfully roll. I pulled him along and he continued to talk as we walked back to the living room. I sat down on the couch as Luke found a place to set his phone up.
"Let's see what the people are saying," Luke said as he looked down at the comments, once he was sitting down beside me. I looked as well and my heart sank as I realized they were all about the article and pictures. Not even the occasional 'I LOVE YOU LUKE' was to be found. "Okay, maybe let's forget what the people are saying," Luke muttered through a laugh.
"Luke's only over here to get my hopes up over our friendship lasting before he goes off on tour," I said, trying to start a conversation without actually acknowledging what people were asking. "I wish the other boys would show up like he does, but I accidentally had the most in common with this guy. Isn't that upsetting?"
"Oh, shut up," Luke said through a laugh. "Josie's right that our friendship is going down the drain, but she's glad I'm the one she got stuck with for the summer."
"You're a piece of work, Luke Hemmings." I glanced down at the comments and saw one that struck me so deeply that I reached for Luke's phone, just to reread it before it disappeared. A rush of anxiety overcome me, and I found myself ending the live seconds later.
"Josie!"
"I can't, Luke—they're so onto us, it makes me nervous." Luke's eyebrows furrowed as he took the phone from my hands.
"You ending it doesn't make things look any less suspicious... don't you think?" I sighed quietly, but had to agree with Luke. "Maybe we shouldn't ignore what they're saying. Let's just directly respond to a couple of people's comments and discredit their theories... as best we can."
"Okay," I told Luke with a nod. "God, I'm sorry for ending it—I didn't plan to, it just sorta... happened."
"It's okay," Luke said before kissing my cheek. He restarted the live a couple of moments later and repositioned the phone. "Grandma Josie exited out of the live, but we are back."
"Sorry about that!" I said, playing along with Luke's story. "Uh—" I glanced at Luke as I began to speak, "I see that a lot of you are talking about the article, and I just wanted to say thank you for giving it a read! The amount of attention our online publication has gotten since it went up has been phenomenal. I'm really stoked you guys liked it." I looked at the comments to see if anyone was asking questions that were easy to answer and I was glad I saw one. "Luke actually had no clue that I was writing it," I lied, which made me feel grimy. "It was a little surprise for him. He's been a good sport these last couple of weeks, so I felt the need to thank him somehow."
"I wish I had the means to write an article to do the same," Luke spoke, finally getting a word in. I looked at the comments to see that someone had said that Luke could do the equivalent by writing a song about me and it made me laugh, loudly. I wasn't quite sure why. "What?" Luke asked, seeming alarmed by my sudden laughter.
"Sorry—it's just that someone said you could write a song about me in return," I told Luke which caused him to blush. "They're not wrong, Lukester."
"Did you just give me a nickname?"
"Yes... and I regret it tremendously," I told him through a nervous laugh. "I don't know where that came from, but I can promise you it's never leaving my mouth again." We both got carried away laughing at how strange it had been that I called him Lukester, but I genuinely was embarrassed that it had come out of my mouth. Luke looked back at the comments as we calmed down and I sat back, yearning for comfort now that I was embarrassed.
"Ooh, someone wants me to talk about my reaction," Luke said which caused my stomach to twist. "I will happily do so," Luke said before glancing back at me. "As Josie said, I wasn't aware of the article, so it was a surprise to me. Reading it just made me feel happy that things were so mutual. I mean, it's not like we busy ourselves by telling each other that we're glad to be friends, so I thought it was really sweet of her to do that. Especially since I was genuinely thinking that by the end of summer, she'd have exposed me for something."
"I would not do that," I said as I gently hit Luke's side.
"In all seriousness, I think Josie's made more of an impression on me than I've made on her." Luke's tone had become more sobered and I slowly lost the playful look on my face as I stared at the side of his face, listening to him continue. "When I met Josie at that bar, I thought I'd never see her again... hell, I was scared I'd never see her again. She had such a calming effect on me and her presence was refreshing. Especially since she lied about not knowing who I was." I began to blush as Luke continued and a small smile was growing on my face. "When I showed up for that interview, I knew I had to at least try and become friends with her. It all seemed to be something of fate, I guess. It was just funny, really..." I thought back to what had actually happened when we saw each other again and I couldn't help but laugh to myself.
"She's proven to be a really great person, so... I guess my advice is to make more friends at bars. You'd never guess what could come of it." I bit my lip gently as I continued to look at Luke and felt myself become slightly intrigued as he spoke. "Josie doesn't know it yet, but I've got a couple tricks up my sleeve to remind her who her best friend is while I'm away."
"You're forgetting the part where you forget about me the second day you're gone." I sat up as I spoke and Luke didn't hesitate to push my shoulder, causing me to fall over as I laughed loudly.
"You're so annoying," Luke joked with me as he laughed as well. "I'm gonna have to force myself to forget you, Jos. And that'll be the worst part." Although Luke was joking around, his words hit me in a way I hadn't expected and I had a difficult time keeping a playful smile on my face. "I know we've only been on for a little while, but I just wanted to drop in and talk to you guys for a little while."
"I'll make sure he sits down and does a longer live for you guys soon. Because you all deserve it." I spoke with a smile and read the comments as they came in. I saw that someone had connected that my article's sign off was what Luke had just referred to me as, and that's when I knew I really wanted to end the live. People were beginning to go crazy.
"I will talk to you guys later! I hope you all have an amazing rest of your day. Much love." Luke ended the live moments later and I breathed a sigh of relief.
As soon as Luke put his phone away, we started to get comfortable on the couch together, agreeing that we were ready to watch a movie. Luke scooted over into the corner of our sectional, and I followed him, pressing myself against him once he was comfortable. He wrapped his arm around me and pressed my back into his chest as I started to scroll through options.
Laying like this with Luke only caused me to rethink all of my stubborn ways. But instead of changing, I would simply daydream about whenever he was back home from tour. Things would be different then.
"Ashton told me about Emma," Luke said quietly once we had reached a comfortable silence. My eyes widened in surprise and I turned as much as I could to look at him. "So I get why you asked now."
"Oh, god," I said, laughing in embarrassment. "You know, it was a spur-of-the-moment kind of question... I just didn't have anything else on my mind and I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be in Emma's shoes. I've never had a pregnancy scare, I mean... I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I ever did."
"Well, let's not accidentally speak anything into existence."
"We're not having sex, so I think we're safe." Luke laughed at my words which caused me to smile before I went back to searching through movie titles. I found myself biting my lip as I thought about asking Luke if he'd like to meet my parents, and I figured there was no better time than the present. I sat up, causing Luke's arm to fall from me, and turned to look at him.
"What's up?" Luke asked with furrowed brows.
"My mom called today, which was surprising, and she asked about you because she sorta happened upon those pictures of us and my article—I haven't really kept her up to date about things. One thing led to another and... what if you met my parents?" Luke's face twisted into confusion and my stomach twisted with anxiety.
"I don't think I get you at all, Jos."
"What?"
"You don't want us to be together, you fight to stay friends... and you want me to meet your parents? What good would it be for me to meet them?" Luke's opposition genuinely surprised me and I felt my heart pound at his tone.
"It was just an idea, Luke... forget it." I sighed sadly and stayed sitting up as I went back to scrolling. Luke sighed as well and sat up before bringing his face closer to mine.
"I didn't mean to sound so mean... I guess I just don't want to meet your parents when there's so little meaning behind it. If the circumstances were just the slightest bit different, you asking would mean the world to me and I would really want to... I guess I just want it to mean more than it does, and that's what sort of gets me down about it."
"Luke, just because we're not together doesn't make it mean any less," I told him softly as I turned to look at him. "It means everything. If I didn't see you staying in my life for a while, I wouldn't have suggested it. I want you to be excited to meet them and I want you to impress them and show them how great you are. I'm not introducing you as my boyfriend, no, but... I'm introducing you as someone who means a lot to me and someone that I really want them to like because I know they won't be able to help but love you."
"God, every time you say something sweet, I feel like the biggest jerk ever. Why do you have to be so cute and sweet?" I found myself smiling at his words, but I couldn't blame him for his small outburst. He had every right to be fed up with me. "I'm sorry for being so against it at first—"
"Don't apologize," I told Luke as I laid back down against him. "I understand why you said what you did... I can't be upset with you for that."
Luke didn't reply, instead, he kissed the top of my head. We decided on watching a true crime documentary that seemed to have good reviews. We didn't talk for a long while, just sat and watched while enjoying each other's company.
I think that's something we did best—enjoying one another's company. And I couldn't believe that soon we wouldn't have the chance to.
a/n:
hellooooooo double update ftw !!!!
ok i am really curious how u guys picture josie ...... pls leave some comments below !! do you think of someone when you read this for josie?? bc i have recently realized that i do not picture any single person for her ....... like i don't know who i imagine when writing this story bc i couldn't tell you what i think josie looks like
that's probably bad, huh???
but i'm curious nonetheless !! so lemme know !!!
also, how r we feeling ab luke & josie? ... did we make a ship name?? juke??? luksie?? HAHHAA
i honestly am mad at josie for bein a stubborn lil qjdhwkjdkdd so i hope u all r too
bc you're allowed
ALLLSSOOOO omg i am kinda sad that jenna has just disappeared from this fic ??? like ... where did she go ??? she will b coming back. but also !!! recently madalyn's been mia as well....... i am slacking honestly
okok
also OKAY i dunno if there are any taylor fans reading but .......... i'm just gonna day that i —someone who is not absolutely a taylor stan and usually just feels soso about her music— HIGHLY recommend folklore. it is genuinely AMAZIMG .... i was shocked by it. i was expecting it to be whatever but holy shit it's GOOOOD
... invisible string fucks me up ...... so good
ok anyway
i won't go on & on about taylor swift in the end notes of a 5sos fic !! lolololololol
thank u for reading !!! i hope you all enjoyed !!!!
i absolutely adore you all !!! each & everyone of you!!!!
<33333
jill